Shouldn't Have You

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  “That’s such a Sienna thing to say.”

  I let out a groan. “Don’t say Sienna when I’m naked and hovering over you, and my very hard cock is sitting right between your thighs.”

  “Well, I did notice that, but I wasn’t going to say anything.” She winked, and I laughed again.

  “But, really, don’t mention the girls. They’re like my sisters.”

  “And I’m not?”

  I shook my head, laughing again. “Well, if you’re my sister, then what we did last night would probably be illegal in a few states. Or all of them. I actually don’t know anymore, but we’re just going to say it’d be wrong.”

  “Well, I’m not your sister. And the girls technically aren’t either.”

  “But I feel like they are. And one of them is marrying Cameron, so she actually will be my sister.”

  “He hasn’t asked her yet,” Harmony whispered.

  “But he will. Any day now.”

  Harmony’s eyes widened. “Do you know something I don’t?”

  I shook my head. “No, but it’s just written in the stars. When he’s ready, when she’s ready, he’ll ask. But it’s sort of a foregone conclusion.”

  “You know, I don’t actually believe in those, mostly because I need to see it in writing first, or just because nothing’s actually foregone, but with those two…I believe it.”

  I played with a strand of her hair, something I’d wanted to do all night and was apparently still doing. “They’re perfect for each other. Right for each other.”

  “I’m just sad that it took so long for them to get there. You know?”

  I leaned over to the side so I wasn’t squishing her anymore, but we were still pressed tightly together. “Sometimes, you just have to wait for the right moment. Wait for enough time to pass so you’re the right person at that exact moment.”

  I knew I wasn’t talking about Cameron and Violet any longer. Not exactly. But then again, I wasn’t being very subtle about it.

  “Exactly.”

  I looked down at her and knew I loved her. But then I remembered those tears.

  I didn’t know what to make of them, and I felt like we both needed a moment to breathe, a beat to think before I said something stupid like that I loved her.

  “I need to go home and shower and get ready for work.”

  “It’s Saturday.”

  “But I work two jobs now, and bars are kind of busy on Saturdays.”

  “Would it be weird if I came by later? To see you, but the bar, too. I haven’t been by in too long. I’ve been a little busy with everything.”

  “I don’t want it to be weird. I want to see you again. I want to see you as my friend. I want you to be at the bar. And I want to see you as my…” I trailed off.

  “Yeah, we should probably talk about that label thing. I hate labels.”

  “I know what you mean. But I’ll see you later today? At the bar?”

  “Of course.” She reached up and grabbed my face, and I leaned down to take her lips.

  The kiss deepened, and I groaned, pulling back as her alarm went off again.

  “Why is your alarm going off on a Saturday?”

  “Because I have to work out and then deal with all my household things before I can actually enjoy my weekend. But you should head home so you can make it to work on time. But, Brendon? I had a wonderful time. And…just thank you. I know it’s weird to say thank you, but I don’t really know what else to say.”

  I looked down at her, swallowing hard. “I think I should be the one thanking you.” And then I rolled out of bed and pulled on my clothes. It was hard to walk away, but I knew it would be harder to stay. We both needed time to think about what had happened and what we were going to do about it.

  I had just made love to Harmony Wynham. I’d made love to the woman I had fallen in love with when I hadn’t been looking. And, yes, she had cried.

  And I had no idea what I was going to do about it.

  By the time I went home, showered, and made my way to the bar, my mind was in total disarray. I kept talking myself out of wanting another date with Harmony. It was almost like if I were to take her out again, I risked hurting her. But then I would make her feel as if we had done something wrong. And we didn’t.

  Not when it was between us.

  But it was all piling up so much, and I couldn’t focus on anything. I needed to talk it out, but I didn’t think I was going to be able to do that today. Not when I knew we had another wing night, and I didn’t know when I would have some private time with Harmony again to figure it out.

  Plus, I needed time on my own to figure things out before I spoke with her.

  Because I refused to hurt her.

  Even if I was afraid that I might have already done so.

  Beckham was behind the bar when I got there, and he gave me a nod. We were open for lunch in another ten minutes, so I knew that Aiden was probably there, as well. Cameron wasn’t working until later, but I had the books to go over, and then a few phone calls to make to ensure that the next pool tournament was ready to go. I had piles and piles of paperwork to go through, and I didn’t even know who was on staff for the day. I’d been so in my head regarding my own problems, that I’d let things fall to the wayside.

  I couldn’t do that.

  “Hey, you look well rested,” Beckham said, giving me a look.

  I knew I had bags under my eyes, and I likely looked nothing like a well-rested man. That’s what happened when you stayed up too late making love to the woman you knew you shouldn’t have. Even if I should.

  “Shut up.”

  “So, your date with Harmony went well last night, then?”

  “I’m really not going to talk about it with you.”

  “Good. Harmony deserves her privacy. But I just wanted to let you know I’m happy for the two of you. It’s about time.”

  I just looked at the other man and shook my head. “Really? About time?”

  “Don’t tell me you’re having second thoughts.”

  “I think I’m having third or fourth thoughts.”

  “You’re going to fuck this up and hurt her if you keep having those types of thoughts,” Beckham said, folding his arms over his chest.

  “Well, I can’t help it. There’s a lot of thoughts to have when it comes to the two of us. We don’t come baggage-free.”

  Beckham just shook his head. “Nobody our age is baggage-free. Hell, no one any age is baggage-free these days. We all have shit in our pasts that we have to overcome. That’s what makes us human. But the two of you? You fit. And, yeah, it’s not easy, and there’s a lot of layers that will get messy, but the two of you can wade through it. You’re both thinkers. Sometimes that’s great, and sometimes it means you overthink shit. So, just talk to your woman and figure it out. Because I see the way she looks at you, and I see the way you try not to look at her. You two are good for each other. You’re not going to mess it up. Unless you think too much. So don’t think.”

  “That’s not very helpful,” I said, even though that wasn’t quite true. “I said I’m a thinker. I can’t help but think.”

  “Just don’t think stupidly.”

  I rolled my eyes and flipped him off. “Thanks for that.”

  “Well, I’m a bartender. I’m pretty good at helping.”

  “I hate you,” I said, laughing.

  “Well, I tried.”

  I was still laughing as the door opened, and I looked over to see who had come in. We weren’t open for another ten minutes or so, so I was surprised to see anyone walking in.

  And then everything froze, and I swallowed hard.

  Of course. Of course, when I was trying to get my thoughts in order would be when he showed up.

  Of course.

  “Sam,” I said, my voice a growl.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Beckham roll his shoulders back and glare at the other man, folding his arms over his chest.

  I wasn’t alone here, and I wa
s grateful for that, but I really didn’t want to get into this today.

  Suddenly, Aiden was behind the bar as well, and Dillon and Cameron came out from the office area. I hadn’t even known they were back there. I’d only been here for a few minutes, and already everything was going to shit.

  Sam stood in the doorway, a few steps in, the light glowing behind him as if the man were an angel.

  He was anything but, and it didn’t matter how many steps Sam went through to change.

  There was nothing angelic about him.

  The man just looked at me, and I knew if I didn’t talk, if I didn’t just listen, I’d have to deal with him later. It might as well be today.

  “I’m sorry to bother you. I wanted to come in before you opened if you happened to be here so I didn’t bother anyone.” Sam said the words quickly, not slurred but precise as if he were thinking about each word carefully.

  I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know if I had words at all. And then everything became just that more outrageous as another person walked in behind Sam.

  Harmony looked between us, her eyes narrowed, and then she came from around Sam and walked directly towards me.

  She didn’t kiss me, didn’t touch me, and I was glad for that. I wasn’t sure what I would do if she did any of that. Instead, she stood right behind me to my side, in front of Dillon and beside Cameron. My whole family was there, and so was Harmony, standing by my side. I knew that I wasn’t alone.

  I really didn’t want Harmony to see this.

  I didn’t want her to see this part of my past. I’d washed it away with each shower to get clean. I had my go-bag at my house, for fuck’s sake.

  All of that in case things went to hell.

  And I had taken a step in my life last night that would forever change things.

  But now my past was facing me, literally—to try and make amends, most likely.

  “What can I do for you, Sam?”

  Sam wrung his hands in front of himself and took a deep breath. “I’d like to speak with you for a few moments if you don’t mind. Do you have somewhere we can talk in private?”

  I shook my head, folding my arms across my chest.

  “My family’s here, Sam. You can say what you want.” I saw the other man flinch, and I felt bad about it.

  I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t feel anything for him. But I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want to be an asshole.

  I didn’t want to feel anything. But it was hard not to feel when this man was in front of me, reminding me of what he had done, of who I had been.

  And Harmony was here to witness it. The one person I didn’t want to see that part of me, even though she already knew. Having the facts, and then having them thrown in your face was something different completely.

  “Okay. I can do that. I’m here to tell you I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the man I was. I’m not that person anymore. But you don’t have to believe that. I’m sorry for what I did. And I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I’m sorry we lost your ma, and that I did nothing to help with that. I apologize about the drinking. The drugs. I’m sorry for not giving you a home or a roof over your head. And I’m sorry for what I did after. For not being your dad. Because I wasn’t. I’m not. I don’t have that right. Those people that took you in? They have that right. And I apologize that I missed out on telling them thank you for taking you in, for being the parents I couldn’t be. So, I’m sorry, Brendon, I’m sorry for everything.”

  I looked at Sam, and I didn’t feel anger, not the type I thought I should have. Instead, there was just an empty hollowness. There was nothing there.

  It reminded me of the shell of myself that I’d had to become in order to live when I was younger.

  And I hated him for it.

  But worse, I hated myself.

  “Okay. I forgive you.”

  I noticed the others straighten just slightly at that. Even Sam’s eyes widened.

  “I forgive you because you look clean. And I know you went through hell. But so did I. So, I forgive you, but I can’t forget. That means I can’t have you in my life. I hope you get that.”

  I was a bastard. Someone else might have been able to let Sam back into their life. Someone else might have been strong. But I wasn’t. I couldn’t. I couldn’t forget what had happened. I could forgive him because it’s what he needed, but I couldn’t forget enough to look at him every day and be who I needed to be to survive.

  And maybe that would be my amends later, but that was my decision to make.

  I just hated the fact that the others had to see this.

  “I get that, Brendon. Thank you for letting me speak. I’ll leave you alone now. I’ll never come back. Never bother you again. I’m glad that you have the life you need. I’m glad you got that. I wish you all the success in everything you have and do.”

  And with that, my father walked out of my life. Most likely for the last time. The first time, the second time, and even the fifth time he had walked away…I didn’t remember them. Not really. It was all so faded, though it probably should have been crisp from all the pain.

  But I felt like this would be the last time.

  As the others looked at me, I suddenly couldn’t feel anything, only disgust. Anger.

  Because that was the man who had tried to raise me even though he hadn’t at all.

  That was the past I came from.

  Harmony was quiet, and I turned to her.

  Tears filled her eyes, those fucking tears—just like the night before.

  So, when she put her hand on my chest, the others looked away, giving me privacy even though there wasn’t much space for that.

  “Brendon,” she whispered, but I shook my head.

  I moved back, took a step away from her. Because I couldn’t let her touch me right now. I couldn’t let her look at me.

  I had to do what I swore I would never do. I had to walk away. Because I was only going to hurt her. I would always be the boy who had been sold on the streets. I was the guy who wasn’t good enough.

  I would always be second best.

  But that’s where I deserved to be.

  “I’m sorry. I can’t do this. I can’t be the person you need me to be.” As her eyes widened, and she took a step back, I heard one of my brothers curse under his breath. I didn’t know which one it was, and I didn’t care just then. Instead, I moved past them all, my shoulder shoving hard into Aiden’s as I walked back to the office.

  Everything was so fucked-up.

  And I’d just made a mistake.

  Probably the biggest of my life.

  But I had no idea what the fucking hell to do.

  I was Brendon Connolly.

  I didn’t deserve Harmony.

  I didn’t deserve anything.

  Chapter Eighteen

  I might be small, but I am mighty. Don’t forget my wrath.

  - Harmony in a text to Brendon

  * * *

  Harmony

  I stood there transfixed. That could not have just happened.

  No. That did not just happen.

  I looked to where Brendon had walked and blinked, trying to slow down my breathing.

  I was not just rejected. Not after I had given myself to Brendon.

  He was simply hurting, confused.

  He just had to get over himself and get through his feelings, and then we could deal.

  I fisted my hands at my sides and took a step towards the hallway, but Cameron stood in my way.

  I looked up at him, the man who was in love with my best friend, the sister of my heart, and glared.

  “You’re going to want to get out of my way right now, Cameron Connolly.”

  Cameron just sighed and shook his head. “Harmony, why don’t you give him some space? I’ll go talk with him, and we’ll figure out what’s going on.”

  “I don’t think so. You’re going to move out of my way, and I’m going to go talk with him. Now.”

  “He’s going through a lot,
Harmony.”

  I looked over at Aiden and raised my chin. “I know. And I’m going to talk him through it. Because in case you two haven’t realized it, I care for your brother. And I’m going to help him. He’s the one who just told me that he couldn’t do this. That he thinks he can’t be the person I need him to be. So this is between us. I know exactly what just happened, and I’m going to go fix it. And you two will get out of my way, or I’ll kick you both in the balls. Then you’ll really have to deal with me. I’m not weak. Not spineless where you can just push me out of the way.”

  Dillon cleared his throat and grinned before taking a dramatic step to the side. “Oh, I know you can handle it. Just know that we’re here for you if you need us. If he gets grouchy or annoying, call for us, and we’ll be right in there.”

  I looked at the youngest Connolly that wasn’t quite a Connolly yet. “Listen to the youngster. He seems to be the only one who knows what he’s talking about.”

  I knew I was acting a little bitchy. I was taking my anger and my hurt out on them, but I didn’t know what else to do. I was in pain, and I needed to talk with Brendon. Honestly, I knew he was hurting, too. He had lashed out, but I wouldn’t let him continue lashing out at me.

  That was not how these things worked.

  On my way up the stairs to the office, I rolled my shoulders back even though my hands shook.

  I knew this wasn’t just about me, it was about so much more. Brendon was going through so much, and I knew he didn’t always handle it well.

  I had always known that. It wasn’t new. But I was here to help. I had been before, and I was going to be even more so now.

  Having to say those things to his father? To tell him that he forgave him but that Sam couldn’t be part of his life? That had to have hurt. On top of the fact that I knew we were both reeling about what had happened the night before.

  It was likely too much. So much that it was hard for me to even fully comprehend it. And I only knew parts.

  So, we were going to handle this.

  I opened the office door and found Brendon staring out the window, both hands curled into fists above his head on either side of the pane.