Pushing Over 40

by S M Mala

  ‘I know,’ she said and looked at his strained face. ‘Thank you for taking time off for me.’

  ‘I needed a break,’ he said, half smiling and she could see his pain knowing it was probably the same as hers.

  ‘Adam, you’ll never know what you being here means to me. Thank you.’

  Then

  Maya made the appointment to see the genetic counsellor before she left her home. She asked why she was being seen only to be told it was the normal thing.

  Pulling herself together she knocked on Tony’s door, the cheque in her hand.

  He slowly opened the door and stood there staring at her without any expression.

  ‘The cheque,’ she said, holding it out. ‘I made it payable to the publication. I didn’t know what else to write. Is that okay?’

  Tony looked at the cheque and then to her.

  ‘Would you like to come in?’ he gently asked. ‘For a cup of tea?’

  ‘No it’s okay,’ she said, looking at him and her heart beating faster than usual.

  ‘I’d like to talk to you,’ he gently said and held open the door. ‘Please?’

  ‘I can’t be long as I’ve got a hundred things to do,’ she said and walked in slowly. ‘Where’s Olivia?’

  ‘She’s gone to see her parents,’ he said, following her in.

  ‘I see,’ she said and felt slightly deflated.

  ‘I’ve asked her to move in so you’ll be seeing a lot more of her,’ he said quickly. ‘Tea, water or juice?’

  ‘I’m fine,’ she gulped hard at the news and forced a smile. ‘Shall I sit down?’

  ‘Sure,’ he said as she sat on the suede sofa and noticed he placed himself in the arm chair further away.

  ‘How’ve you been feeling?’

  ‘Well.’

  She looked at him and didn’t know what to say.

  ‘Alice was gutted at the news about Adam being the father of your baby,’ he said, biting his bottom lip. ‘She thinks you two have been sleeping together since they started going out.’

  ‘That’s not true,’ gulped Maya feeling her heart deflate like a slow leaking balloon.

  ‘Have you been lovers for long?’

  He stared hard at her and Maya felt herself go red.

  ‘It’s none of your business,’ she quietly replied. ‘And you should know me better than that to ask.’

  ‘Did you arrange to sleep together when we were a couple?’ he asked, looking at her earnestly.

  ‘Before I got together with you Adam offered his… sperm…’ Maya felt edgy about what she was saying. ‘I said ‘no’ and then when we were together he offered again. Remember I told you someone had-.’

  ‘Adam,’ he said, getting a little angry. ‘Were you using me to get him or to kill time?’

  ‘I wasn’t using you and if you want to know, I put it all off because I wanted to be with you or have you forgotten? You told me how you felt and then I knew I was wasting my time,’ she defensively said. ‘I thought I better go for it.’

  ‘And now your family unit is complete,’ he said, looking away. ‘Is he happy about being a Dad?’

  ‘He’s trying to do the right thing,’ she quietly replied and stood up not liking her hostile reception. ‘I better go.’

  ‘Best of luck with the baby and Adam, you’re going to need it,’ he said, not moving.

  ‘Adam will be fine,’ she quietly replied and looked at Tony’s stony face.

  Something about him she didn’t like and even though Adam was a shit, he was more gallant than what she was looking at right now. This made the idea of him being the biological father of her child more upsetting.

  ‘Of course, he’s done his job,’ he laughed and turned to her. ‘He can turn his back and walk away.’

  ‘Can I ask you a question?’ Maya hesitantly said, knowing this could go either way. ‘Did you actually really like my company or were you just interested in the website set up?’

  She watched as he sighed.

  ‘It was never meant to be a long term thing, you know that.’

  ‘I did but I thought there was something-.’

  ‘I’ve found someone, I admit a little too quickly after we split, and I’m really happy with her. I’m sorry Maya.’

  ‘Good luck with Olivia,’ Maya replied, feeling a sharp pain of hurt in her chest. ‘I’ll remember not to wear my heart on my sleeve again. And another thing?’

  ‘Yes,’ he said, not turning around.

  ‘Fuck you! You weren’t ever going to be good enough for me and Adam said you used your widower card to get people into bed and he’s completely right. Even your own daughter, the bisexual, confirmed that,’ she said, before opening the door and slamming it shut then whispered. ‘And you’re certainly not good enough to be the father of my child.’

  Now

  Adam had left her as she sat at the laptop and decided to write on the website. She started to cry as putting it in black and white would make it real. It took an hour for her to compose herself to type, but the tears were literally blinding her as she couldn’t face what was in front of her.

  ‘Dear All

  I’ve not been in touch for a few weeks. I’ve gone through a terrible time. My baby daughter Eva Beau was born sleeping not too long ago at 22 weeks. I can’t explain my grief at the moment as it has been such a shock. Forgive me if I’m not on top of everything for a while, I need some time to get my head around what has happened.

  Keep in touch, stay close and give hope.

  Maya

  Pushing over 40’

  Her landline was ringing and she sat there waiting for it to stop.

  ‘Maya,’ Harry said quietly. ‘I wanted to know how you were. Adam has told us to leave you alone for the time being but I feel so bad that you couldn’t come to me… I know after what I said I’d be the last person you’d want to speak to but you’re my little sister and …’ Maya heard his voice crack. ‘I would have been here for you. Call me when you can.’

  She shut her eyes and bigger drops of tears came rolling down her face. Within minutes the emails were coming through from the people on the site.

  Maya couldn’t open them.

  Natalie and Grace’s email addresses were being shown and her mobile started to ring. It was Judy.

  Maya answered it.

  ‘Hello,’ she quietly said.

  ‘Maya, what happened?’ Judy asked, choking up at the other end.

  ‘I can’t talk about it,’ she exhaustedly replied. ‘I’ll tell you when I’m ready.’

  ‘Is there anything I can do? Anything?’

  ‘Can you keep an eye on the website and log into as the administrator while I take a back seat? I’m going to ask Grace and Natalie to-.’

  ‘You don’t do anything,’ intervened Judy. ‘Leave it up to me. Maya, are you okay?’

  ‘No,’ she gulped. ‘I think a bit of me died when she did.’

  Then

  The room was packed as Maya waited in the Special Pregnancy Unit. She smiled at the heavily pregnant women and could see another room, to the side, where some women were having blood tests and resting.

  ‘Maya De Freitas,’ a little woman with short hair and a white coat, holding a file, called out.

  ‘Yes,’ Maya said, jumping up.

  ‘I’m Debbie,’ she smiled. ‘Follow me.’

  Her heart was thundering as they went into a room off the corridor and Debbie shut the door.

  ‘Please take a seat,’ she said as Maya slightly stumbled on the chair and sat down. ‘Is there something wrong?’

  ‘Your blood test,’ the woman said, still smiling at her. ‘I wanted to go through some of the results.’

  ‘Okay,’ Maya said, bracing herself for bad news, realising that masking smile the medical professionals had usually came with a heavy sinking feeling.

  ‘The odds we gave you were 1:60 that there could be a chance that the baby might have downs syndrome.’ Maya nodded. ‘After the blood tests we have now narro
wed that down to 1:25.’

  ‘My baby is going to have downs syndrome,’ she said, gulping hard.

  Even though she prepared for the worse scenario she still hadn’t expected what she was about to hear.

  ‘As you progress in your pregnancy your HGC levels should get higher but yours haven’t. It’s sometimes a sign that baby has downs syndrome. Some of your other levels aren’t a usual read so-.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  Maya was doing all she could to stop crying at the news then couldn’t hold it in as she let out a large sob and grabbed the tissues.

  ‘I know this is quite upsetting but what it means is there is a one in twenty chance the baby may have downs which shows there’s a 19 out of 20 chance it won’t. I don’t want to give you false hopes about this but you have to be prepared.’

  ‘When will I know for certain?’

  ‘Have you considered amniocentesis?’ she gently asked.

  ‘I don’t want one as you can miscarry,’ she said, gulping hard. ‘Can’t I get a scan?’

  ‘No it’s too early for us to look for the signs.’

  ‘But my nuchal was clear?’ Maya said feeling confused. ‘The sonographer said it looked okay.’

  ‘Sometimes there isn’t-.’

  ‘And the midwife,’ Maya continued. ‘The midwife said that it’s best to go by the nuchal not the bloods.’

  ‘Maya,’ Debbie said, calmly clasping her hands in front of her and Maya could see the look of concern. ‘Your odds were high due to your age and the bloods and nuchal are there to pick up markers.’

  ‘I don’t want an amnio,’ Maya sobbed. ‘I really don’t.’

  ‘Let me go and see the consultant and I’ll get back to you,’ Debbie said, slowly walking out of the room and closing the door.

  Maya felt numb.

  This wasn’t how she expected the conversation to turn out and waited. Debbie came back in.

  ‘I’ve spoken to the consultant and we want you to come back when you’re twenty weeks so we can scan the baby and see if all is well.’

  ‘Will you be able to tell from the scan?’

  ‘If you don’t want invasive testing then it’s the best route to go down.’

  Maya felt dizzy as she walked out of the hospital and towards the bus stop. She knew her odds were high but now she had to consider having a downs syndrome baby.

  She felt sick and totally unprepared.

  Sitting on the wall waiting for the bus she didn’t know who to talk to, who to tell. She picked up her phone and dialled.

  ‘Hello, I need to talk to you,’ she said angrily. ‘Can you come round to see me?’

  ‘I was waiting for you to ring. I’ll come round tonight.’

  ‘Bye Adam.’

  He sat on her sofa looking down, not saying anything as she stood up and waited for a sound.

  ‘You were going to con me out of money weren’t you?’ she calmly said. ‘Because that’s how much respect you have for me, isn’t it? Stupid Maya, she’ll be so grateful because I know she fancies me.’

  His head went up and he looked at her before shaking his head.

  ‘That’s not true,’ he replied.

  ‘I want all my money back then I want you to promise me something.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You’ll never, ever speak to me again,’ she said, unable to hide her anger with him. ‘You’re a fucking little shit and what makes me feel dirty is that I slept with you. What was that about? Some sort of sick kick?’

  ‘I don’t know what to say,’ he weakly reply.

  ‘Admit it, that’s all I need to know.’

  ‘I needed the money. I thought why not?’

  ‘‘Why not?’’ she screamed. ‘You were willing to take my savings and reduce the chances of me being able to have a baby.’

  ‘I was going to pay you back,’ he groaned. ‘This is a mess. How would I know you’d get pregnant?’

  ‘You could’ve at least told me there was no chance you could be the father.’

  ‘You looked happy!’ he shouted out, standing up. ‘I didn’t want to worry you.’

  ‘Oh Adam have you got shit for brains or what?’

  ‘No,’ he said defensively.

  ‘I’m having a bad day,’ she said, trying to calm down thinking of the baby. ‘I’m so utterly disappointed in you.’

  Maya sat on the sofa next to him then burst into tears.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ he asked, peering into her face.

  ‘It’s all going wrong,’ she sobbed recalling the conversation with the genetic counsellor. ‘I’m not sure about any of this.’

  ‘You’re hormonal,’ he said, putting an arm around her. ‘Maya, I know you don’t believe it and I can tell you’re furious with me but-.’

  ‘There are not ‘buts’. I am on the verge of killing you.’

  ‘I like you and I know you like me. Having sex with you is fun and we have something good going on here,’ he whispered. ‘I know we could never get together as it wouldn’t work.’

  ‘That’s the only sensible thing you’ve said ever!’

  ‘I never meant to upset you. I needed the cash because I’m working on something … I was going to pay you back but-.’

  ‘I saw Tony and he’s moving his new girlfriend in. He told me I wore my heart on my sleeve and we were only a short term thing. How can I now tell him his vasectomy isn’t working and he’s the father? He doesn’t even like me that much.’

  ‘Don’t tell him,’ said Adam calmly. ‘If he doesn’t give a shit about you he’s certainly not going to give a shit about the poor bastard you’re carrying.’

  ‘My baby’s not a bastard, thank you very much!’ she snapped and continued to cry. ‘I should tell him. He needs to know.’

  ‘Why?’ said Adam, pulling him arm away and looking at her crossly. ‘He doesn’t give a shit about you so what do you expect him to do?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘You can’t make him like you because you’re pregnant?’ laughed Adam. ‘At least you’re better off saying I’m the father.’

  ‘And that’s something for me to be proud of? You trying to con two grand out of me?’ Maya laughed for a moment then began to cry again. ‘I hurt.’

  ‘You’ll get over him. It was only… how long were you together for?’

  ‘About five months.’

  ‘A drop in the ocean,’ he sniffed.

  ‘You know what, for all your faults I think I prefer your company to anyone else, bar Shona,’ she sniffed smiling at the con artist.

  ‘You must be desperate then!’

  Maya looked at Shona and tried to gauge her expression after she told her the news about the genetic counsellor and what was said. Her friend had been silent for a minute.

  ‘It’ll be okay,’ she eventually replied. ‘I know people who have been put through these scares and it all turned out okay in the end.’

  ‘What if it isn’t okay?’

  ‘Don’t be stupid.’

  ‘What if the baby has downs? I knew it was a large possibility and all my good intentions about keeping a disabled child but when reality hits you… I’m not sure if I could.’

  ‘You’re thinking too hard about it,’ Shona calmly said, putting a hand over hers as they sat in her garden.

  ‘I have another three weeks until they give me a twenty week scan and I can’t sleep. My nerves are shot and I keep crying,’ she said, getting upset again. ‘Harry and Dee are giving me the cold shoulder and the kids are secretly emailing or phoning so their parents don’t know.’

  ‘Do they know what the quarrel is about?’

  ‘I haven’t told them I’m pregnant. My round gut means they think I’ve been pigging out,’ she smiled.

  ‘And Tony is moving his woman in next door to your brother and is probably the father of your child,’ sighed Shona. ‘How can something so carefully planned go so wrong?’

  ‘Adam, funnily enough, is the only one who seems to be
keeping on top of it all,’ she said half-heartedly.

  ‘That’s because he tried to rip you off out of money and he’s feeling guilty. You’re not still sleeping with him?’

  ‘Good god no!’ exclaimed Shona shocked by the question. ‘He has tricked me twice he’s not going to do it again.’

  ‘Do you want me to come with you when they do the scan? Shona gently asked.

  ‘I’m going to do it on my own because I will effectively be on my own when the baby is born. Harry doesn’t want anything to do with it so I have to be my family,’ she said sadly.

  ‘You know Christmas is in six weeks. What are you going to do then? You can come round to mine,’ she smiled and Maya was touched by her friend’s sweetness.

  ‘I’m going to have a great Christmas, with or without them.’

  Now

  Every card was carefully opened and read then torn up. A time of year when she would be getting all excited only left her with pain and continued tears. Two weeks until Christmas Day and all she wanted to do was die.

  She peered out of the window at the blackness of the sky and felt her heart pound.

  Her flat looked dark and empty. It seemed all colour had completely gone, leaving just variations of black, grey and white. Her laptop was open and the screen had turned black. The messages were coming in thick and fast but she couldn’t read them. Each one told her of a story where a baby was lost or died, each one only made her pain feel more intense but she was still alone.

  All her phone messages were deleted including texts. The sadness of the words only made her want to hide deeper into herself. No one could feel the way she did right now.

  No one would ever know how the pain left her numb.

  Every moment she thought she was in control of her emotions then something inside her would rise and her pain and suffering would come back. In her sleep with the silent screams she’d always think it was a bad dream and for that split second, that one beautiful moment she was fine, her baby was inside her and she was happy.

  Then it would go as soon as it came leaving her insides wringing with pain and her love desolate.