Pushing Over 40

by S M Mala

  A trip to the supermarket late in the afternoon made her get the last minute bargains. She pondered on a turkey and realised there would be no point so she bought the things she wanted to eat which consisted of chicken breasts, cava, chocolate profiteroles, sausages and large packets of crisps.

  Her companion was switched on again as she settled down for another evening. She lit the candle that was started the day after Eva Beau was born and looked at the flame. It was a long, thick church candle she hoped would take forever to burn out.

  She rested her weary head and started to cry again, the wave of pain taking over her as she shook and thought about what had happened. There was a knock and she jumped, wiping her tears away.

  It had only just gone eight and she walked to the door and peeked through.

  As she opened it, he stood there smiling at her.

  ‘Happy Christmas!’ he said, holding two carrier bags.

  ‘Aren’t you supposed to be on a plane to see your mother?’ Maya asked Adam as he walked straight past her and into the flat.

  ‘I thought…’ he began as Maya followed him in. ‘… I’d prefer to spend Christmas with you, if you don’t mind, unless you’ve got some company. Ah, I see you do.’

  ‘What?’ she said, not quite sure what was going on.

  ‘A bottle of cava in a cooler with a glass sat neatly beside it. I hate sparkling wine but I went to M&S and bought you two more bottles and something for us to eat.’

  ‘Your mother is going to kill you,’ she said gently, looking up at him in amazement as she sat on the sofa and felt really pleased he was with her. ‘You should be with your family.’

  ‘I am with my family. My extended one,’ he smiled and then his face became serious. ‘I wouldn’t have enjoyed Christmas thinking about what happened a few weeks ago and I’d just worry about you. You know Christmas Day is when most people try to kill themselves.’

  ‘I wasn’t planning it tomorrow,’ she smiled, then felt he’d touched on something. ‘But I’ve kept wishing I was dead if that’s any consolation.’

  ‘No,’ he said, sitting immediately down beside her. ‘I want you around so I can steal your pension money.’ Adam stroked her hair and she felt needy for the comfort and put her arms around him. ‘I knew you’d miss me.’

  ‘I did,’ she said and burst into tears again but not because she was sad this time.

  Maya sat watching the telly and eating a mini pork pie as Adam filled her glass then sat back to drink his beer.

  ‘I tried to drink that but I can’t stand it,’ he said, shaking his head and grimacing before taking the pork pie out of her hand and eating it. ‘Penelope’s into it as well but she’s Spanish, so that’s her excuse.’

  ‘I was in the middle of that,’ she said, her hand empty as she looked at Adam.

  ‘But it tastes so much nicer if it belongs to someone else,’ he said, proudly shoving the rest in his mouth.

  ‘What did you tell your mother about not turning up?’ asked Maya, looking at Adam wince at the question.

  ‘I told her the truth,’ he said with a pained expression. ‘You know my mum likes you so I told her what happened.’

  ‘Even down to you being in hospital with me?’

  ‘Everything. She understands you know,’ he gently said, then changed his tone. ‘Mind you that big sister of mine might not see it like that.’

  ‘You mean Dee’s going to get the arse with you for not turning up at your mum’s?’

  ‘Oh no! If she knows I’m in London she’ll want to know why I’m not spending Christmas round hers. I told mum not to tell her where I was.’

  ‘So not only have I seduced you, got you to cover for my pregnancy, hijacked you into being there when I gave birth and sorting out the funeral, I have taken you away for Christmas. Bet she loves me.’

  ‘I wouldn’t bank on it.’

  She opened her eyes and saw Adam asleep, his face inches away from hers. He looked about twenty when he slept, his skin smooth and free from lines.

  Slowly she got out of bed and felt the gloom as she walked into the bathroom and brushed her teeth.

  ‘Happy Christmas,’ she whispered to her reflection and saw the tears well up again but shook her head.

  The thing she wanted to do more than anything else was to give Adam a brilliant day.

  Checking in the bedroom she saw he was asleep so went about making him a large fry up. She laid the table out then rummaged in the fridge to see what she could devise for Christmas lunch then realised it wasn’t going to be exactly perfect.

  ‘What do we have here?’ he asked, walking into the kitchen wearing her dressing gown.

  ‘Happy Christmas Adam!’ she said and smiled as brightly as she possibly could.

  ‘Happy Christmas Maya!’ he said and walked towards her, kissing her gently on the forehead.

  ‘Lunch won’t be that spectacular,’ she began, ‘so you better enjoy your breakfast.’

  ‘I’m not one for the big lunches,’ he replied, smiling at his breakfast.

  Maya knew he was lying as over the years she had seen how Adam would put away platefuls of food.

  ‘I’ll make you something nice though,’ she said, sitting opposite him.

  He looked youthful this morning and his eyes were exceptionally bright.

  ‘Whatever you make will be wonderful,’ he smirked before shoving half a sausage in his mouth. ‘I thought we’d go for a drive this morning, if you’d like.’

  ‘Okay,’ she said, eating a slice of toast and wondering where to go.

  ‘I think we need some fresh air as when I get back for my lunch, I intend to get absolutely hammered,’ he said seriously and looked up at her, his brown eyes larger than usual. ‘Is that okay with you?’

  ‘Yes,’ she smiled and sighed feeling the heavy sad pain in her chest.

  ‘Are you okay?’ he asked, glancing up at her.

  ‘I’m fine. Why?’

  ‘Last night,’ Adam hesitated and put down his knife and fork.

  ‘Last night what?’

  Maya examined his face as a crease appeared in his brow.

  ‘You were talking in your sleep and you called out, well sort of sobbed a name,’ said Adam, looking at her and she could see from the expression on his face he was concerned.

  ‘What name?’

  ‘You cried out ‘Eva Beau’,’ he said and grimaced. ‘It’s going to take a while.’

  ‘Sorry,’ she said, feeling bad for him once again.

  ‘Have you spoken to Tony about it yet?’

  ‘No,’ she said, looking down. ‘Not since the weekend before the baby…’ Maya didn’t know what to say about it and felt horrified she couldn’t think of an expression. ‘Before I put the baby to sleep? Is that what I’m supposed to say?’

  She could see Adam looked at her slightly shocked by what she said.

  ‘It’s actually called a ‘feticide’ which sounds horrible, like suicide and homicide. I don’t know what to say… sleeping sounds better.’

  He quickly nodded in response.

  ‘You didn’t tell me what happened when you spoke to him,’ Adam quietly replied.

  ‘I tried to tell him but he wasn’t listening, he seemed very annoyed.’

  ‘Why did you want to tell him?’

  ‘I thought he’d know what to do when faced with the fact that someone he knew was going to die… I don’t know what I expected him to do to be honest. I wanted him to know that his baby wasn’t going to live … I guess I wanted someone to feel the pain I was going through, or give me some comfort.’ Maya closed her eyes and felt the tears trickle down before opening her eyes and seeing Adam stare hard at her. ‘He’s a waste of space and now I know, I would never wish anyone to go through what I’m feeling now.’

  ‘You shouldn’t have said anything,’ he said, starting to eat his breakfast again.

  ‘I told him to go and see someone though I’m not sure why now.’

  ‘Alice started asking me qu
estions,’ Adam replied, breathing in deeply. ‘She wanted to know what was going on. I said you had a discrepancy about the website then she asked why you would tell him to go and see a specialist.’

  ‘What did you say?’

  ‘She was a little bit freaked because the last time someone mentioned ‘specialist’ they were talking about her mum’s cancer.’

  ‘Shit,’ Maya said and felt guilty. ‘I didn’t think.’

  ‘He, apparently, has been in a bad mood since you went to see him.’

  ‘You and Alice are still in speaking terms?’

  ‘Sleeping … screwing terms to put it mildly but I’ve knocked it on the head.’

  Maya felt a little wave of jealousy creep over her but shook it off.

  ‘I’m going to have a shower,’ she announced and quickly got up.

  ‘Good, you stink!’ he shouted out as she went down the corridor.

  As she dried her hair and got changed, there was no sound coming from outside her bedroom and she wondered for a moment if Adam was still there. Her heart sunk at the thought he might have gone and she quickly ran out of the room.

  He wasn’t in the living room but heard something in the kitchen.

  ‘Adam?’ she said and walked in to find him chopping and preparing. ‘What are you doing?’

  ‘I’m going to make us lunch.’

  ‘Okay,’ she said, not figuring out what he was creating.

  ‘If there’s one thing I learnt from Penelope that was how to make a good paella… and you’ve got everything I need,’ he smiled brightly. ‘Good idea?’

  ‘Excellent,’ she said and felt warm again as she sat in the kitchen and watched him for an hour.

  As they drove in the car Maya knew where he was taking her and started to cry as they got into the park.

  ‘The idea wasn’t to upset you,’ Adam gently said, stroking her arm. ‘I thought you’d want to spend some time with her on Christmas Day.’

  ‘No the idea is lovely,’ she sobbed as they drove up to the tree where they scattered her ashes.

  Maya buried her face in her hands and cried.

  ‘Do you want to get out and walk to the tree?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes,’ she said and he held her hand as they walked across the grass and stood near the tree.

  ‘It’s the strongest and biggest tree, she’ll be protected,’ Adam said, smiling brightly.

  ‘When I die I want to be scattered in the park,’ she said, looking at Adam.

  ‘Why are you telling me, you strange woman?’ he said startled.

  ‘So you can tell Harry.’

  ‘You better not be planning anything stupid.’

  ‘I’m not planning to kill myself just yet but I hear the pain gets worse,’ Maya replied. ‘Much worse.’

  ‘I’m here for you,’ he said, putting an arm around her.

  ‘Adam,’ she said, not able to hold it in any longer. ‘I am so grateful for you being with me.’

  ‘I’m not with you,’ he said, trying not to laugh. ‘We’re not together and you’d never be that lucky.’

  ‘I know,’ she said, playfully punching him. ‘You’ve been amazing.’

  ‘Are you talking about me in the sack?’

  ‘You know what I mean,’ she said, pulling away and walking closer to the tree. ‘You’ve opened my eyes.’

  ‘What you’re trying to say is that I’m not the waste of space you think I am.’

  ‘I don’t think you’re a waste of space,’ she said, turning to look at him as he pulled up his collar. ‘You’re not as shallow as you make out.’

  ‘I am but you’re not thinking straight at the moment. Right, next plan of action is to go back home. Park the car. Find a pub. Start drinking!’

  ‘That’s perfect.’

  Christmas past in a haze of alcohol, laughter and tears for Maya as she sat in her living room one day before New Year’s Eve. Adam went off on Boxing Day and she hadn’t heard from him since.

  Squashed into the corner of her sofa, it was mid-afternoon and she lay back knowing in a few days she would be back in work and life would have to move on.

  There was a knock on the door.

  Maya was a little startled and got up slowly, walking to the window. She peeked out to see Dee standing there. She didn’t know what to do then she noticed Dee spotted her and smiled.

  This was slightly unnerving.

  Walking towards the front door, Maya composed herself and faced Dee.

  ‘Hello,’ Dee said, standing with a wide smile. ‘Season’s greetings!’

  ‘Hi,’ Maya said half-heartedly.

  ‘Can I come in?’

  ‘Sure,’ Maya said and watched Dee walk into the flat.

  Maya stood there for a moment wondering what she had let herself in for.

  As she walked into the living room she saw Dee hovering.

  ‘Would you like a cup of tea?’ Maya asked politely, trying to stem her little surge of anger.

  ‘Have you got something stronger?’ Dee chirpily asked which was out of character.

  ‘Wine, cava, beer… well Guinness-.’

  ‘Courtesy of Adam I take it?’ said Dee, sitting down and Maya noticed the forced smile.

  ‘He left a few cans,’ Maya replied, knowing the visit wasn’t going to be good humoured.

  ‘I’ll have a cava and Guinness.’

  ‘Okay a Black Velvet coming up.’

  Quickly getting the drinks the pair sat on the sofa.

  ‘Cheers!’ said Dee as she consumed half a glass at one go.

  ‘You never drop in unexpectedly or drink so early on in the day,’ Maya said, forcing a smile. ‘So I know there’s something you want to tell me that obviously can’t wait.’

  ‘I know you’ve been through a very bad time,’ Dee said, her face now stripped of humour. ‘And I know you think we weren’t there to support you.’

  ‘Like I told Harry, if you didn’t want to know about the baby when it was alive I didn’t see how you’d care if it was going to die,’ replied Maya, biting back her anger at the words.

  ‘That’s bloody unfair!’ Dee snapped. ‘The whole thing was a mess.’

  ‘No it wasn’t a mess. It was only a mess for you and Harry because you didn’t approve of me being pregnant, for fuck’s sake!’

  ‘No one would be happier than me to see you pregnant, Maya, but when you announced that it was from a sperm donor what the hell did you expect? Then Adam saying it was his… it went from the sublime to the ridiculous!’

  ‘He said it because he was sick of hearing you guys slag me off!’ snapped Maya and stood up. ‘And you know what Dee? When I needed someone to turn to, I thought of him and he didn’t let me down.’

  ‘Have you thought what you did to Adam?’ Dee said, shaking her head.

  ‘I didn’t do anything to him.’

  ‘He was absolutely distraught, do you know that? He told us what happened and he couldn’t stop crying. Do you realise how traumatic it was for him?’

  ‘I knew he was-.’

  ‘Every step you went through with the birth, he tried to be there for you. He was so upset when he told us how you were alone when the baby arrived. Oh, Maya, it must have been awful,’ Dee said, her eyes welling up. ‘But you shouldn’t have got Adam involved. And as for Christmas!’

  ‘I didn’t tell him not to go to your mum’s,’ she said defensively. ‘He turned up here on Christmas Eve.’

  ‘He wasn’t going to go to see mum,’ Dee sighed biting her lip. ‘He was planning to spend Christmas with Penelope and something happened, they had a fight.’

  ‘Oh,’ Maya said, startled by the news.

  ‘Eadie and Jack keep on asking where you are. I haven’t got the heart to tell them you don’t want to see them.’

  ‘That’s not fair!’ shouted Maya. ‘I don’t want to see you or Harry, not the kids. I love those children.’

  ‘Then why don’t you start showing it?’ Dee said, standing up.

  ‘Have you
any idea what I’ve gone through?’ Maya screamed at Dee, unable to hide her anger, her body shaking with rage. ‘Have you?’

  ‘Calm down Maya,’ Dee said and Maya could see she was frightened.

  ‘I find out that my baby is going to die, no matter what and I’ve hardly any choice in that! The decision I had to make is when she was going to die. I went into the hospital and they put a fucking big needle in my baby’s heart to murder her… and I let them, do you understand!’ Maya could feel all the breath leaving her body as if her lungs were being compressed. ‘Whether I show how I care about your children is up to me but I’ve got to deal with the death of my only child!’

  ‘I didn’t mean it like that,’ Dee quietly said and sat down. ‘But these things happen to older mothers. I read about it.’

  ‘And does that make the pain any less? It’s okay because it’s more common in women who are over forty? It shouldn’t matter then, should it? Another dead baby and who is going to care because the mother was old!’ she shouted. ‘People like you make me sick, you really do! Where do feelings, emotions and pain come into it then? Aren’t we supposed to have any?’

  ‘I… I don’t know,’ said Dee, taking a tissue out of her bag. ‘I know what it’s like to lose a child you know. Don’t you think I regret terminating my baby? I know I was a teenager but not one day goes pass without mw wondering what they would have been like.’

  ‘This was different,’ Maya said, taking her glass and knocking the whole of the remaining contents back. ‘I wanted her and I would have done anything to make her live but I couldn’t do that.’

  She sat down, the pain heavy in her body.

  ‘Maya,’ Dee said and put her arms around her. ‘Oh Maya!’

  ‘I just wanted a baby of my own. I couldn’t even do that properly. I’ll never have another baby again,’ she sobbed into her hands. ‘Never!’

  ‘It’ll be okay, it will.’

  ‘No it won’t. I wish I was dead, I really do.’

  ‘Don’t say that,’ Dee said, pushing Maya’s shoulders back and staring deep into her eyes. ‘Life is too precious and you should now realise that more than anything else.’

  ‘My life isn’t,’ said Maya, feeling the depression sweep over her.