Pushing Over 40

by S M Mala

  ‘Did you tell the father of the baby?’

  ‘What?’

  Maya blinked back her tears and looked at Dee.

  ‘We know it wasn’t a sperm donation and it can’t be Adam’s so there must have been someone else involved somewhere?’ Dee half smiled.

  ‘I tried to tell him at the time but he thought he couldn’t have kids so he didn’t really want to talk to me about it then it became a little complicated,’ Maya said, wiping her face with her hands. She thought for a moment. ‘I didn’t want to upset Adam, that’s the last thing I intended to do.’

  Maya didn’t have the energy to get dressed but after Dee’s visit she was cajoled into going round on New Year’s Eve. All she wanted to do was go to bed with a bottle of wine and forget about what happened. As she arrived at the door she was greeted by Harry who held her so hard she started to cry shortly followed by him.

  ‘Why’s Auntie Maya crying?’ she heard Jack ask in the background. ‘And why are you crying dad?’

  ‘She’s happy to see daddy,’ Dee replied, forcing a bright smile at the scene.

  ‘You don’t cry when you see daddy?’ said Jack. ‘Does that mean you’re not happy to see him?’

  ‘Jack!’ Dee laughed and dragged him away.

  ‘Auntie Mimi,’ Eadie said and Maya looked up, quickly wiping her eyes, to see her niece standing at the top of the stairs.

  ‘Hello,’ Maya croaked and let go of her brother as Eadie ran down the stairs into her arms and they hugged each other.

  ‘You came!’ she said and the hug Maya received made her happy for the first time in weeks.

  ‘I’m sorry, I’ve not been well,’ she said and kissed her niece.

  ‘Are you better?’

  ‘A little,’ she replied and stood up. ‘I think I need a drink!’

  As they ate dinner Maya could see a car park outside Tony’s. She had put it to the back of her mind that he was still on the other side of the wall.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Dee asked and Maya realised she was staring at her.

  ‘Look at my new trainers Auntie Mimi!’ shouted a delighted Eadie as she put her foot up in the air making Maya laugh

  ‘Can’t you behave like a young lady?’ said Dee grimacing at her daughter. ‘And I only let you wear them indoors as you don’t want to make them dirty outside.

  ‘Auntie Mimi,’ Eadie said, putting her foot down. ‘Are you feeling better? You still look ill.’

  ‘I’m a little better.’

  ‘What was wrong?’

  ‘Her baby died,’ said Jack casually.

  Maya watched Eadie’s smile drop.

  ‘Jack, don’t say that!’ Dee snapped and looked apologetically at Maya.

  ‘From the mouth of babes,’ Maya quietly replied and noticed Eadie was on the verge of tears. ‘Eadie don’t be upset.’

  ‘Why did the baby die? Why didn’t you let me see the baby?’ Eadie gulped, her little lip trembling.

  ‘Because the baby was very, very ill and too small for you to meet,’ Maya replied, finding an inner strength not to cry in front of the children.

  She looked up at Harry’s strained expression.

  ‘Auntie Mimi,’ Eadie said, quickly wiping her eyes with her hand. ‘You’re not married.’

  ‘Don’t you want to go and play upstairs,’ Dee gently said to her daughter.

  ‘Yes please!’ jumped up Jack throwing down his napkin.

  ‘I wasn’t talking to you,’ added Dee and looked at Eadie.

  ‘Eadie,’ Maya said, turning to her young niece. ‘I love you very much and I’m sorry I’ve not seen you for ages but I wanted to feel better. I am a bit better now and the baby is with angels so everything is okay.’

  ‘Can I be excused?’ sighed a bored Jack.

  ‘We haven’t had dessert yet,’ interjected a solemn Harry, wiping his mouth.

  ‘I don’t want any,’ moaned Jack.

  ‘You just want to play with your new game,’ said Eadie, suddenly cheering up. ‘He needs to get better because I beat him!’

  ‘You cheated!’ he snapped.

  ‘No I didn’t!’ Eadie shouted back.

  ‘Children!’ said Dee, throwing her napkin on the table. ‘Go and play your game Jack. And Eadie stop trying to upset your brother.’

  ‘That’s not too hard because he’s rubbish!’ shouted Eadie as Jack marched up the stairs.

  Eadie slowly got off her chair and walked towards Maya.

  Maya held her breath as the little girl came close to her face and she had a flash of her dead baby and bit her lip hard, trying not to cry.

  ‘I love you Auntie Mimi,’ Eadie said and gave her a big hug. ‘What was the baby’s name?’

  ‘Eva Beau,’ Maya replied and stroked her hair. ‘She was called Eva Beau.’

  They hugged each other and within seconds Eadie followed her brother yelling, ‘I’m going to beat you Jack, you wait and see!’

  There was a sudden hush in the room and Maya looked at the glum faces of Dee and Harry.

  ‘Have you seen Adam?’ smiled Dee, standing up to clear the dishes.

  ‘No,’ replied Maya, taking a sip of wine and seeing she had hardly eaten a thing. ‘Why?’

  ‘You two have become very close since-.’

  ‘I explained this to you yesterday, Dee. He has been great.’

  ‘I know,’ said Harry, half smiling. ‘It’s totally out of character.’

  ‘Harry that’s my brother you’re talking about!’ snapped Dee grabbing his plate and gently bashing it against another plate.

  ‘I didn’t mean anything by it,’ Harry said defensively and smirked at Maya.

  ‘I wanted to talk to you about Adam,’ Dee began, standing close to Harry. ‘Like I said yesterday he hasn’t really been himself since … the baby.’

  ‘It was a pretty shocking thing for him to watch,’ said Maya, looking at Harry who was frowning.

  ‘This isn’t the time to bring it up,’ Harry turned to Dee, standing up to take the pile of plates.

  ‘Bring what up?’

  Maya looked at the pair of them.

  ‘Adam,’ Dee said quietly

  Maya couldn’t say how she felt about Adam so waited for her sister in law to elaborate.

  ‘I know you’ve been through so much,’ Dee said, moving closer. ‘I’m worried about Adam. He’s not been the same for weeks. He seems deeply troubled and I think what happened to you has stopped him getting back together with Penelope.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  Maya felt strangled by the conversation.

  ‘He has been too preoccupied by you. I’ve noticed what’s been going on, I can see,’ she whispered as Harry walked out of the living room with the dishes shaking his head furiously from side to side. ‘I know he likes you but he has a future with Penelope.’

  ‘What are you trying to say?’

  ‘Give Adam some space,’ she gently said. ‘When my brother was told about his fertility he was really upset. It didn’t occur to him that he’d never be a father then I think he truly wished he was the father of your baby.’

  ‘Oh god!’ Maya buried her head in her hands. ‘You want me to keep away from Adam, that’s what you’re saying?’

  ‘Don’t rely on him too much. He has his own demons to deal with,’ Dee gently said. ‘He’s not as cocksure as he makes out.’

  ‘I know,’ Maya said and pulled her hands away, resting them on her lap as she looked at her half-finished food. ‘I’m going to go home.’

  ‘Why?’ Harry asked, walking straight back in.

  ‘I’m tired,’ she wearily replied. ‘Thank you for dinner and-.’

  ‘I didn’t mean to upset you,’ Dee whispered.

  ‘I want to see the back of this year. I want to make sure it’s all gone then I can start again,’ Maya said, a sob coming out of her mouth. ‘I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again.’

  Harry gently held her arm as they walked out of the house and past Tony’s home. Ma
ya saw someone standing at the window but looked away as they walked past. Neither one of them spoke as they reached her front door.

  ‘I’ve never seen you this upset before,’ Harry eventually said.

  ‘I’ve never had to deal with something like this before,’ she replied and undid the locks.

  ‘You know I’m here for you, you know that Maya?’

  ‘Go home to your wife and kids,’ she smiled and stroked his arm.

  ‘You shouldn’t be alone.’

  ‘I’ve been alone for a long time,’ she said and kissed him on the cheek. ‘It’s just this time I know what it really feels like.’

  ‘Happy New Year!’

  ‘I hope so.’

  She lay in her bed crying her heart out as she heard the television in the background counting down to midnight. Fireworks were being let off and dogs were angrily barking. Maya tried to close her eyes but could on see her dead baby wrapped in a blanket on the bed then Eadie’s face.

  Her phone was ringing.

  It was Adam.

  ‘Hello,’ she said, sitting up. ‘I need to talk-.’

  ‘Go to the front door,’ he said.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Just do it now.’

  Maya jumped out of bed and headed to the door and opened it.

  Adam was walking down the path.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ she said, looking at his flushed face as the scent of booze hit her. ‘How much have you been drinking?’

  ‘Happy New Year,’ he said and quickly kissed her on the lips then ran away.

  ‘Adam!’ she shouted after him as he ran down the road. ‘I need to talk to you about something!’

  ‘It can wait!’

  ‘I know you were meant to see Penelope over Christmas!’ She watched him stop then turn back, wobble on his feet as he returned to the pathway. ‘I’m not annoyed but I wished you told me you had a quarrel with her. I could have sent you round on-.’

  ‘I didn’t want to talk to her,’ he gulped and looked pissed off at her comment.

  ‘I’ve relied on you too much you know. I’ve not been thinking how you felt.’

  ‘I feel fine,’ he said, forcing a smile.

  ‘I think you need some space away from me so you can concentrate on your own things,’ she said, gulping back her true feelings.

  ‘What are you saying?’

  Adam stepped closer to her.

  ‘I’m saying I’m not in a good place at the moment and I don’t want to drag you down with me. You should concentrate on patching it up with Penelope. You have a future together.’

  Maya smiled and felt tears fall down her face.

  ‘You’re saying you don’t want me to hang around?’

  ‘I’m saying,’ Maya gulped hard. ‘I want to see you happy and you can’t be when I’m around.’

  ‘You’re telling me to fuck off!’ he said, raising his voice and looking angry.

  ‘I’m telling you I care too much about you.’

  ‘I see,’ he said, breathing heavily. ‘I’ve done my deed and now you don’t want to know.’

  ‘That’s not true.’

  ‘That’s what it sounds like.’

  ‘Dee told me how upset you’ve been. I didn’t realise, so what sort of person does that make me? Patch it up with Penelope and make something good come out of this. Like a baby.’

  Maya watched him double blink and look away.

  ‘What about you?’ he quietly asked.

  ‘I need time alone to be honest and to face some harsh facts.’

  ‘You don’t need to do it alone.’

  ‘I don’t want to drag you down any more than I should have done. It’s for the best.’

  She stepped onto the pathway with her bare feet and hugged the drunken man not wanting to let him go, her heart breaking as he kissed her head and slowly walked away.

  Maya had let something else she loved leave her.

  Now into the New Year

  Every day the pain got worse before it faded away for a few seconds then came back with a vengeance. It was the beginning of February and the grey skies only added to her mood while she tried to get into the momentum of day to day life. January had been a torturous month and her turning forty three at the end just culminated in her angst.

  And she was still waiting for the hospital to respond to her complaint. Like her child, it’s as if it wasn’t important as she was fobbed off with one excuse or another.

  Maya felt like she was not only grieving her baby but the loss of Adam. He hadn’t contacted her and Dee had mentioned he’d got back together with Penelope. After what had happened he was willing to go through fertility treatment to have a baby with his girlfriend.

  The pain crushed Maya very hard but she didn’t let on to Dee.

  Adam had a future with children whereas she did not.

  She was preparing for her first meeting of the year with the ‘Pushing over 40’ gang but felt nervous about seeing them again. All the wine and nibbles were set out but she wanted to turn the lights off and pretend she wasn’t home or call them to say she was sick but Maya knew that’s what they expected her to do.

  As Grace walked in, she smiled at Maya then started to cry.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ she said, grabbing Maya’s hand.

  It was at times like this Maya couldn’t cry when she saw how upset others were. The next to arrive was blossoming Natalie who gave Maya a big hug but was unable to speak then Judy pushed her way through, completely ignoring her and headed for the drink.

  As they sat down briefly swapping Christmas stories Maya smiled and felt relieved at seeing them again. It didn’t take too long before they focussed on her.

  ‘You didn’t tell us what happened?’ began Judy with a large glass of wine in her hand. ‘I’m surprised you haven’t put anything on the website.’

  ‘I haven’t felt up to it,’ Maya quietly replied and looked at her feet.

  ‘Tell us,’ Natalie asked, stroking her tummy and for a split second Maya felt jealous of her friend being pregnant, wishing it was her.

  ‘The baby was diagnosed with ‘Edwards Syndrome’,’ she quietly replied and sat back to see their reaction.

  ‘What the fuck is that?’ said Judy, sipping her wine.

  ‘Don’t you read the pages you look after?’ snapped Grace shaking her head in dismay.

  ‘I know it’s a chromosome disorder you stupid moo but what makes it so bad for the baby?’

  ‘They die,’ Natalie quietly said and Maya saw her friend look at her and smile sadly. ‘It’s called Trisomy 18 and it’s the second most common chromosome disorder after downs syndrome but still quite rare. The baby’s physical features are slightly different but the baby won’t survive a year and many die soon after birth or when being carried.’

  Her hand protectively went over her bump as Maya was unable to speak.

  ‘In a nutshell,’ said Maya quietly. ‘I decided to terminate for several reasons but I wanted to make sure that she didn’t have to suffer later… or I didn’t have to suffer…probably both.’

  ‘Who was with you?’ asked Grace, frowning with concern. ‘I know what they have to do and it’s very upsetting.’

  ‘I was alone,’ replied Maya, now necking her wine and filling up her glass, trying not to shake as all eyes were focussed on her.

  ‘Alone?’ Judy said, sitting in the edge of the sofa. ‘Why?’

  ‘I didn’t know who to turn to so I did it alone.’

  ‘And the labour?’ asked Grace, looking visibly shocked.

  ‘I asked Adam to help, my sister in law’s brother. I gave birth alone in the room when he went to get me some crisps. They were really busy that day and concentrating on the babies who were being born alive not dead. I was made to feel like an inconvenience and as if my baby didn’t matter. I’ve written a letter of complaint but they’ve been faffing me off so I don’t know what they’ll have to say for themselves.’

  The room fell silent and she knew
they didn’t know what to say either.

  ‘Adam was wonderful and I’m pleased he was there. He helped me with the cremation and I needed support as I couldn’t have done it alone,’ Maya suddenly said, trying to inject some positivity into the conversation.

  ‘He’s the fit one isn’t he?’ Judy said, narrowing her eyes. ‘I’ve met him haven’t I?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Why didn’t you get him to do the deed for you instead,’ she smiled. ‘I’d have got stuck in there.’

  ‘He has a very low sperm count,’ Maya replied, trying not to think too hard about him.

  ‘So did my man but you get there in the end,’ smiled Natalie, sipping her mineral water.

  ‘It also made him think about his own future and he’s going to a fertility clinic with his girlfriend. He wants to be a daddy now,’ Maya said, swallowing hard, feeling a tightening in her stomach as she said it out loud.

  ‘And what about the daddy, does he know now?’ Judy glanced at Maya.

  ‘It’s irrelevant.’

  ‘Surely he’d want to know if his baby died?’ asked Grace.

  ‘It’s not important. He’s moved on,’ Maya replied and sat back on the sofa. ‘I need to talk to you three about something.’

  ‘What?’ asked Judy, glancing suspiciously at her. ‘You know after a death you shouldn’t make any decisions for a year, maybe two.’

  ‘I know but what happened to me made me realise how little I know about the shit side of things. I mean, we’re trying to give hope and support but what the fuck do we know? I had to go through to another website to get the information I wanted… or didn’t.’

  ‘You went to ‘Pregnancy Talk’,’ said Natalie, shaking her head. ‘They’re shits.’

  ‘That’s only because you tried to sell your story to them,’ sniffed Grace as Natalie scowled at her.

  ‘Have they offered you another chance now you’re eventually pregnant?’ grinned Judy.

  ‘Leave her alone,’ said Maya, trying to suppress a smile. ‘They wanted a story and sometimes when you want something you don’t actually think straight. Listen ladies, they want a piece of the website and I’m beginning to think that we need to get some professional guidance when bad things happen. We need someone who can go in and answer medical questions and concerns clearly without passing them around to other websites.’