by Doug Ward
kitchen knives and making little stabbie-stabbie motions. This is especially true for the porcelain variety of dolls. That’s why their owners lock them away. What these people don’t understand is that keeping them prisoner just makes them even angrier.
Ward's Laws #93 Isn't the term Beanie Baby redundant? A bean is essentially a baby already, right?
Ward's Laws #94 Why do people at church picnics typically serve deviled eggs? Isn't that kind of… anti-Christian?
Ward's Laws #95 My shadow freaks me out. It always has to be touching me. It’s so annoying.
Ward's Laws #96 Why do we call it dental floss? Is there another kind of floss?
Ward's Laws #97 There should be a law that let's you punch TV reporters for asking terrible questions. Example; A reporter asks a murder victims spouse "how do you feel?” BAM, right in the face! That would be must-see-TV.
Ward's Laws #98 What kind of space does a space heater heat? Outer space? You'd think with Global Warming we would refrain from heating space too.
Ward's Laws #99 My wife made me take the dog to the vet to get him fixed. I didn't even know he was broken.
Ward's Laws #100 Why does jock itch effect people who don't exercise?
Ward’s Laws #101 Garage sales are a scam. I have been to hundreds of them and never had anyone willing to even just rent their garage. Let alone sell one.
Ward's Laws #102 If the love of money is the root of all evil, do serial killers get paid a lot?
Ward's Laws #103 If time is on my side why does it always seem to be passing me by?
Ward's Laws #104 It must suck to be a bunny rabbit. You were born to produce little brown pellets and more bunnies but your main purpose in life is to be a food source.
Ward's Laws #105 I had to go to the hospital once because I’d been shot. Luckily, it did little harm. The Dr. said I was lucky it was just a Jello shot. Guess I dodged a bullet there.
Ward's Laws #106 Why don't dogs have to wipe their butts? Wouldn't that be convenient? Walking down the street, squat, and your on your way again. Freaking neat nicks would probably make us pick up after ourselves though. I can see it now. "Hey Doug, bag of groceries?" I reply, "Nah, my brother took a crap!"
Ward's Laws #107 Who the heck ever came up with the idea of being a mime? They’re just scary, not funny. I just want to shake them and say there’s no box. Stop being creepy!
Ward's Laws #108 Who decided pizza could come in square shapes? It is a total violation of the natural order of things. Pizzas should always be round. The next thing ya know someone will come up with a square cake. Like that'll ever happen!
Ward's Laws #109 There is a fortune-teller near my home who has her shop in an old Photo Hut building. I always wonder why anyone would go to her since it's pretty obvious she knows nothing about the future. Do you think she predicted the Photo Hut would fail in that location?
Ward's Laws #110 Why do we give people retirement parties? They’re going on permanent vacation. We're still stuck in the work world. Who needs a party more?
Ward's Laws #111 Neckties are corporate leashes to keep the employee bound. Why else would it have a slipknot? Kind of like a hang mans noose. That's why I am proud to be a Tie Fighter.
Ward's Laws #112 Doesn't the word deodorant imply that there’s an odor in the first place? Hey, I just showered. My pits are fresh as a daisy at this point. Why should I need to deodorize?
Ward’s Laws #113 I understand that Christians give their children biblical names, but Jezebel? Really? Why not name your next boy Baal!!!
Ward’s Laws #114 I have a new hobby. I’ve been crossing shark DNA with human DNA in order to create children who don’t need to go to the dentist… ever! On a completely unrelated note, my pets seem to disappear, without a trace. I must be leaving the door open a lot?
Ward’s Laws #115 What ever happened to a Bakers Dozen? I went to Dunkin Doughnuts and only got twelve of those yummy treats. I feel ripped off!!!
Wards Laws #116 NASA should look into using Buffalo wings on their rockets. If just two of those little things can lift a buffalo off the ground then what could a hundred of those suckers do?
Ward's Laws #117 Why does my dog lick his butt then go straight for my face? It’s like… he knows…
Ward's Laws #118 I think NASCAR is a silly thing to watch. A bunch of cars going around a circle really fast, can you really call that a sport? I say no. A bunch of people waiting for cars to crash does not, a sport, make. If you call this a sport then battle bots is a sport too. It has the same principles, a vehicle, a driver, and a bunch of debris. Think about it. I drive everyday, so does that make me a semi-pro athlete?
Ward's Laws #119 Who named the trampoline? I’ve never once seen anyone tramp on one. Maybe it should have been called a bouncoline.
Ward’s Laws #120 When does the Post-Apocalyptic Future begin? I want to start driving a wild looking dune buggy in leather. Kind of like a Village People... person... guy??? What’s worse is wearing leather, in a desert, in the sun, with no AC. Now that’s a sticky situation. Literally!
Ward's Laws #121 Why do we refuse to make hot dogs and corn dogs in dog like shapes? Come on. We make chocolate bunnies. We even relish biting the ears off of those yummy things. But what’s so taboo about eating a dog shaped wiener?
Ward's Laws #122 My friends are always telling me how smart their kids are. Saying things like, "My 2 month old knows who I am. He smiles at me". They act like their kid is some kind of genius. I usually get them really angry when I tell them my 2 month old dog is already potty trained. Who's the bright one now?
Ward's Laws #123 Why do most a cappella choir’s have at least one instrument accompanying them? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose?
Ward's Laws #124 You'd think something called a sweater would be kind of gross.
Ward's Laws #125 It's a good thing Newton never knew about helium. That would've really blown his mind.
Ward's Laws #126 I can't wait for 2019 so I can retire from my present job and become a Blade Runner.
Ward's Laws #127 Why is it, from three rooms away, I can't hear a television show but I sure can hear the commercials?
Ward's Laws #128 Is this my house or do the stinkbugs own it? Sometimes I wonder...
Ward's Laws #129 I will never eat pigs feet. First of all, they don't have feet. They have hooves. I love my Dentist but not enough for that kind of bill. Secondly, did you ever see where they walk? Yuck!
Ward's Laws #130 Must everything have a freaking clock in it? Every time the power goes out you spend half the day figuring out how to set the stupid things. You have to re-set them all cause if you don’t, just think of how stupid you’d look if your vacuum cleaners clock was blinking.
Ward's Laws #131 Someone once suggested I was carrying a torch for an old girlfriend. What did he think I was, an Olympiad? I wonder who the Statue of Liberty was dating to merit this behavior?
Ward's Laws # 132 Why do people who buy made for TV gym equipment think that if they put the prefix ab in the name it will work? The Abdominizer, the Ab Rocker, the Ab roller... Do you think Arnold Schwarzenegger used one of these puppies. If they work so well, then why do I find them in every other yard sale I go to? Someone should make a museum for all these fad machines.
Ward's Laws #133 I went to my neighbor's yard sale and the jerk was just selling junk. I inquired about his yard but he got mad and said he wasn't selling it. I should sue him for just a few feet of his lawn so I can have picnics at inopportune times for him. That’d pay him back for the false advertising.
Ward's Laws #134 If you go to a club, and you see a crowd of pasty faced attractive people dancing to strange techno music, your in a vampire den. RUN! Watch any current Vampire movie and you will see that I’m right!
Ward's Laws #135 Why do chick flicks always start out with the male and female leads hating each other?
Ward's Laws #136 You’d think that sung
lasses would be really bright?
Ward's Laws #137 You'd think something called catnip would bite back.
Ward's Laws #138 Why do they always send priests to do exorcisms? Why not use the Pope, or at least a cardinal. You'd think they’d have more success.
Ward's Laws #139 When people introduce me to their half sister or brother I always wonder which half they are? Left or right?
Ward's Laws #140 Why do news channels always make the weather forecast sound like it is the end of the world? An inch of snow is literally nothing. Don't hype nothing, and stop calling yourselves Severe Weather whatever. Your just crying wolf!
Ward's Laws #141 Why do some people follow the word tuna with fish? Is there a tuna bird? Tuna mammal? Come on folks, tuna implies the idea that it’s a fish, doesn't it?
Ward's Laws #142 If Howard Hughes was alive today would he own a computer? Remember, they do get viruses.
Ward's Laws #143 We should stop burying people in coffins. We should instead use Tupperware. I figure you could just burp the seal closed and everyone would stay fresh for years to come. You can probably pull the deceased relative out for holidays and such.
