Boy Shattered

by Eli Easton

  He pulled his mouth away. “Brian.”

  “Let’s do it. Let’s do it right now,” I demanded. “Fuck me.”

  He stilled above me in the dark. “We agreed to wait for a special day for that.”

  “I don’t care.” The darkness clawed at my throat, threatening to choke me. “Just do it. Please, L. I don’t care.”

  “Brian.”

  “It’s fine if it hurts. I want it to.” Maybe if it was raw and sharp and overwhelming, it would eclipse this other pain.

  “Hey.” Landon reached over and turned on the light. He frowned at me, his eyes worried. He palmed my cheek, sympathy in the downward turn of his lips, like he knew what I was feeling. He always knew. “It’s gonna be all right.”

  The gentleness in his words was the opposite of what I wanted. Or maybe exactly what I needed. The pressure in my chest grew like a living thing, clawing its way up my esophagus.

  “Brian?” Landon asked, looking alarmed. “Can you breathe? You’re sort of purple.”

  I erupted. I covered my face with the crook of my arm, but there was no way I could stop the tears. Landon pulled me into his arms and held me while darkness poured out, a kind of projectile soul vomiting. I sobbed. I howled.

  “Hey,” he kept saying. “Hey.” He petted my back, my hair.

  But God, I couldn’t stop. I hadn’t cried since the shooting. I mean, wetness came often, yeah, as if my eyes were a leaky faucet. But I hadn’t had a big, ugly cry like this. I cried so hard and so loud, it must have shaken the foundations of their house.

  It wasn’t just about what had happened with my dad. It was everything, all of it. For the near death of my body, the violence of that. For Jake, Jake, my best friend, who’d been shot in the back. And for the near death of my heart, when the people who were supposed to love me most in the world flicked me away like I was nothing. For the loss of my dad, who had once been a nice guy who’d taken me to football games and waved foam fingers with me.

  “I’ve got you,” Landon said. “It’s okay.”

  It wasn’t okay. It wasn’t. But Landon was there with me, holding me to the earth. Saving me once again.

  Chapter 24

  Landon

  IT WAS both the longest and shortest school semester I could remember, but suddenly there we were at the last week before Christmas break. On Monday, I stayed at The Wall in the afternoon to talk to Josiah’s Poli Sci class. We did a presentation on our visit with the Parkland group and all the things we had planned for 2019.

  Anger and frustration and passion came pouring out from nearly everyone in the class. We had an awesome discussion. Afterward, I was on an enthusiasm high when I met Brian in the south parking lot.

  He got in the car with a weary smile. “Hey.”

  “Hey, guess what?” I said brightly. “Josiah and I just signed up four eighteen-year-olds to vote and a dozen people for our mailing list.”

  “That’s cool.”

  “But the really big news is….” I left a dramatic pause. “I got a call this afternoon. I’ve been invited to be on a CNN New Year’s special. They’re doing various segments on the top issues of 2018, and one is on mass shootings. CNN, Brian! How’s that for exposure?”

  Brian stared at me, his brow furrowed. He finally forced out a “Wow. That’s great, Landon.”

  He turned his face away, looking out the window. His Adam’s apple bobbed.

  Shit. Shit. I was being totally insensitive. Just last night he’d cried like the world was ending, abandoned by his family. And here I was talking about me, me, me.

  I’d been trying to share the wins, but my timing sucked. I reached over and took his hand. “Sorry. I didn’t even ask how your day went.”

  “It’s okay. I got a bunch of extra-credit assignments written in fourth period. So that was good.” He sighed and turned to give me a tense smile. “That’s exciting about CNN. Really.”

  “Yeah. Well, you know. Anything we can do to prevent this happening at another school. Do you want to drive through Wendy’s on the way home?”

  “If you want. I’m not gonna eat.”

  I rubbed my thumb along his hand. I knew he had an especially hard time eating when he was upset. I wished I could make it better.

  When we got home, my mom’s car was in the driveway, which was strange. We found her in the kitchen.

  “I thought you guys would be home soon! Brian, I talked to your mother on the phone today. She let me pick up a few things for you, just the things you should have while you stay with us for a bit.”

  “What did she say?” Brian asked, his face pale.

  My mom put her arm around his shoulders. “Well, this is a busy time for you boys since it’s the end of the semester. So we thought it would be better for you to focus on your schoolwork and have a stable environment and no drama this week. She knows you’re safe here. It’s all fine, Brian. She said she’d call you soon.”

  She left Brian’s side to grab a couple of Yoo-hoo bottles from the fridge. “Landon loves these things, so I picked some up. And we’re having lasagna for dinner.”

  She handed us the cold chocolate drinks. I knew she was trying to soften the blow. Brian just thanked my mom quietly for getting his stuff for him, as if he wasn’t surprised. I guess he’d already swallowed that pill the night before.

  “I don’t know about you,” my mom said cheerfully, “but I hate living out of a suitcase. There’s an empty dresser in the guest room and plenty of closet space in there. You can put your stuff out. You can sleep in there or in Landon’s room. Whatever you guys decide.”

  I gaped at her in surprise. We were both still in high school. Yet my mom was basically telling us we could live together under their roof. I guess most parents figure their teens are having sex at our age. But it was another thing to allow your son’s boyfriend to move into his room.

  I gave her a tight hug. “Thank you, Mom. You’re seriously the best.”

  She hugged me back, and there were tears in her eyes. It occurred to me that my mom and dad must have heard Brian crying from down the hall, and it had probably wrecked them as much as it had wrecked me.

  “I’ll remind you of that the next time I need the garage cleaned,” she said. “Seriously, you boys mean the world to us. Now go on and get settled before dinner.”

  We found six large boxes in my room. They probably didn’t contain every single thing Brian owned, but they contained his books, computer, a Kindle, toiletries, Xbox, games, and a ton of clothes. He opened the boxes slowly, looking at the contents with a blank face.

  And then we put it all away.

  SOMEHOW, WE made it through that last week of the semester. We crammed all week, which helped distract Brian from his situation with his parents. And then it was done, and we stood on the edge of Christmas break like it was the promised land.

  I picked Brian up from school that last day. The grin on his face as he jogged to my car was pure happiness.

  “Oh, dude!” he said as he got in the car. “You should have heard it. When the last bell rang, the entire school cheered. There was just this roar from all over the building.”

  “That’s awesome.”

  “Seriously! God! I feel like I’ve been hanging from a cliff by my fingernails for months, and I can finally let go.”

  “Aw, Bri.” I pouted out my lip.

  “No, it’s fantastic!” He practically glowed.

  I knew how he felt. No one would be sorry to see this horrific semester end. I wanted to kiss him in that moment, sitting right there in the parking lot. But we didn’t do that in public, so I looked away.

  I felt a tug on my arm. When I looked at Brian, he had a determined glint in his eyes. He cupped my cheek and kissed me, really kissed me. Right there in the south parking lot of Jefferson Waller High.

  When he pulled away, he looked smug. “There’s always a silver lining. I don’t have to worry about my dad anymore.”

  I palmed the back of his neck and pressed my forehead
to his. We sat and breathed for a moment. I was so happy I felt like I could float. I wanted the whole world to know that I was crazy about Brian Marshall. But then a tinge of sadness and worry crept in. “You sure about this?”

  “Pretty sure that ship has sailed, good sir.”

  I sat up and looked around. Sure enough, a group of popular girls, mostly cheerleaders, was staring at us. A couple of them looked crushed. But a few were smiling at us goofily.

  Jennifer, Brian’s old girlfriend, was in the group. She gave us a thumbs-up, her eyes teary but a smile on her face.

  “Time to get out of here, I think,” I said, reaching for the ignition.

  “Oh my God. Dude, floor it,” Brian said with a laugh.

  Brian

  WAS IT chickenshit of me to come out at school just before break? Maybe. I didn’t plan it that way. But the worst had already happened with my dad, so I didn’t have a reason—or an excuse—to keep Landon in the friend zone at school. When he looked at me like he wanted to kiss me in the car, I was already high with relief at being done with school for a while, so I went for it.

  No regrets, though. No regrets. Landon reached the head of the line of cars waiting to turn into the road and accelerated away from The Wall. I rolled down my window, leaned out, and whooped.

  “Fuck off, Wall!” I shouted with a manic mix of rage-glee. A dozen cars honked their horns loud and long, agreeing with me.

  I felt strong and fearless. For the moment at least, I was a brand-new Brian Marshall.

  “Hey, I have an idea,” Landon said, grinning at me. “Would you let me take you on a date tonight to celebrate? I was thinking we could go to Tony’s Pizza.”

  My heart did a little skip of joy. “You so owe me that date, man. Let’s do it.”

  Being a Friday night, and close to Christmas, Tony’s Pizza was a zoo. There weren’t many people from The Wall there, though, since it was on the east side of town, closer to where I lived—or, rather, where my parents lived. The long, skinny building had old wooden booths along both sides with a narrow aisle between. We had to wait ten minutes, but we got a booth close to the back, which was good. Landon let me have the side that faced the front door without saying a word. Mentally, I traced an exit route to the back hallway where there were bathrooms and a fire exit.

  I still had a hard time in public places. But I was determined to enjoy tonight.

  When the waitress came I ordered the margherita pizza and Landon got sausage and pepperoni. She brought us our sodas.

  “We’ve got a lot to celebrate tonight,” Landon said when we were alone.

  I smiled. “Hell yeah, we do. To Christmas fucking break.” I raised my glass in a toast.

  Landon clinked my glass, then waggled his eyebrows. “And to Brian Marshall, boy detective, coming out at school.”

  “Oh my God.” I remembered what had happened that afternoon with a stab of joy-dread. “You can’t say I don’t know how to make a dramatic exit.”

  Landon went into his narrator voice. “And tonight, all over the small town of Silver Falls, cell phones are ringing, texts are flying, and that sound you hear is the breaking of a hundred high school hearts.”

  I laughed. “Dork.” I loved seeing Landon so lit. He was practically vibrating with energy tonight, his eyes bright as stars.

  “It’s true! You know it is.”

  I was suddenly struck by a thought. I turned my glass on the table, a lump in my throat. “That day, when you told me to think of a future when I’d be okay and able to go out and eat at Tony’s Pizza… I never imagined this was that future.”

  Landon studied me for a moment, his smile soft. “You mean… sitting here with your boyfriend and you just came out at school?”

  I nodded.

  My hand was on the table, and he gave it a squeeze before letting go. “I told you it was worth fighting for.”

  I cleared my throat. “Definitely.”

  The waitress brought our food, and I took my first bite of a margherita pizza. It was basically cheese, tomato, basil, and mozzarella. I wouldn’t have dared eat it a month ago, but my gut had been better lately.

  Landon watched me. “Well?”

  I swallowed. “A little plain but good. Sort of like you.”

  Landon snorted. “Jerk. You want some of mine?”

  We swapped one slice of our pies.

  Landon ate three pieces while I slowly worked on one. We chatted about some of the new movies that were out, and about trying to catch one with Madison and Josiah over the break. A loud bang-crash came from the front of the restaurant. I jumped and scanned the room, a slick of terror making me weak.

  A group of teens by the front door had knocked over a coat stand. They were laughing and trying to right it while a waitress hovered. An older, tough-looking guy with a buzz cut and a big, long wool coat pushed past them, his expression annoyed. He went up to the cash register, probably to pick up an order. My eyes stayed glued to him until he’d paid and left the building.

  Because he wasn’t that old, and he looked burly. And I didn’t like that overstuffed coat.

  When he was gone, I pushed the pizza away, my gut squeezing unhappily around the one slice I’d eaten. I looked at Landon and found him watching me. He spoke carefully. “I saw a news conference online this morning. Silver Falls PD.”

  I’d probably seen the same one since I had their website bookmarked and I checked it obsessively. “What about it?”

  “They said they’ve eliminated nearly everyone who was at The Wall at the time of the shooting as well as recent graduates. They still have ‘a few people of interest,’ but they said the public needs to consider the likelihood that the shooters left the state.”

  Bullshit, the Gollum in my head whispered. They’re here, Brian, and you know it. Just around the corner.

  “How the fuck are we ever supposed to feel safe again if they don’t catch them?” I said angrily.

  Landon’s mouth drew into a line. “It doesn’t make you feel better, thinking they’ve left the state?”

  “No. Because we don’t know that.” Because I don’t believe it.

  Landon pushed back his bangs, looking frustrated. “What if they never catch them, Bri? Is there going to come a point where you can stop worrying about them so much?”

  “I can’t forget. They fucking killed Jake. And—” I swallowed. “They can’t get away with it. No way.”

  I felt that in every fiber of my being.

  “Okay,” Landon said, taking a deep breath. “Okay. You’re right, Bri. I just… I just want you to feel better. That’s all.”

  He picked at his last slice of pizza. He no longer looked happy and lit.

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “This is a celebration, and we totally deserve to celebrate. We’re at Tony’s Pizza. We made it. And we’re together. So let’s be happy. I’m so lucky to be here with you, and I’m grateful. You know that, right?”

  He looked up and gave me a slow smile. “We gotta appreciate the good stuff.”

  “We do. And this right here, this is the best.”

  I felt the toe of his Nike rub against my calf. I slouched down so I could wrap one hand around his ankle and waggled my eyebrows at him. Then I made myself eat another slice of margherita pizza.

  We talked about movies some more and what we wanted to do over the break—big on my list was lounging around. He told me a funny story about Josiah, and we both laughed. It was good. The ghost of The Wall had lifted for the moment.

  When we put on our coats to leave my phone dinged. I took it out of my pocket and looked at it.

  “What is it, Bri?” Landon asked.

  I showed him the phone. My mom wanted to meet me for breakfast on Christmas Eve day.

  LANDON DROPPED me off at the diner and said he’d be back in an hour—less if I texted. Mom was already sitting at a table when I went inside. She didn’t look well. Her dark hair hung limp and unstyled. Her blue eyes had puffy bags around them, and she wasn’t wearing he
r usual makeup. She looked ten years older. I felt guilty. Like, if I were a better son, she wouldn’t be so unhappy.

  It was easy to go to that place. But I remembered how I admired Landon, and how his parents were proud of him. I couldn’t help that I was gay. And I couldn’t help that it clashed with my parents’ view of the world.

  I sat down across from her, and she studied my face for a moment. “You look like you’re feeling better,” she said at last. “How was your last week of school?”

  “Not too bad. I think I did okay on my tests.”

  “Good. That’s good, Brian.” She gave a quivery sigh and looked down at her coffee cup. She stirred slowly, the spoon going around and round. “Why don’t you order something to eat?”

  The waitress came, and I ordered a grilled cheese and iced tea.

  “I thought Lisa might come with you,” I said after the waitress left.

  “She begged me to come. I told her maybe next time. I need to talk to you, and I didn’t want little ears around.”

  “Okay.”

  “She sent you a gift,” Mom said, as if suddenly remembering. She had a paper grocery sack next to her, and she passed it over to me. “Your Christmas presents from us are in there too.”

  “Thanks, Mom,” I said. “Um. Mine for you guys are in my closet at the house.”

  Her face crumpled, and tears ran down her cheeks. She hurriedly wiped them away with a napkin. God, this was hard.

  “I can’t believe my baby won’t be home for Christmas,” she managed to choke out.

  I didn’t know if she’d appreciate me reaching out to her, so I just sat there and waited, my heart like a lead anchor in my chest.

  She cleared her throat. “You’re gonna have to give us some time, Brian. Your father is really struggling. It’s tearing him apart. He believes what he believes, but he also loves you. You’re his only son. I think he knows that trying to force you to not see Landon or… or not… be the way you say you are, wouldn’t work.”