Boy Shattered

by Eli Easton

  “No, it wouldn’t.”

  She sniffled. “Right now he doesn’t want to see you. And honestly, I think that’s for the best, honey. Now that you’ve told us… what you told us, I can’t see the two of you being under the same roof without there being constant fighting. And maybe irreparable things would be said or done.”

  I knew she was right. I nodded.

  “But I think he’s searching, Brian. I heard him talking to Bull about it the other day.”

  “To Bull?” I asked, sitting up straighter.

  She shook her head with a disapproving expression. “Don’t expect anything good to come from that quarter. No, I told him he didn’t need to be talking to Bull about it. He needs to talk to Reverend Arnold or even a professional. ‘If you go to the same well you’ve always gone to, you’re gonna get the same answers.’ And those answers aren’t gonna help him with this. Those shows he loves make him angry and impossible to talk to. I told him that, Brian, but you know your father.”

  She’d told him that? Wow. That was new.

  The waitress brought our food, and we ate for a while. I wasn’t hungry, but it was a matter of pride to show her I was doing better, that I was coping fine. So I ate half my sandwich and some fries. She asked about my classes and about my Christmas plans. It was like she was talking to a stranger, someone who wasn’t in her life or part of her own Christmas plans. It was very weird. And sad.

  Finally I worked myself up to ask what I wanted to ask.

  “What about you, Mom? Do you think you’ll be able to accept me the way I am?”

  She put her fork down and wiped her mouth, then put her napkin on her plate. She appeared to be trying to find the right words, looking out the window at the parking lot as if she couldn’t bear to look at me. “Do you remember Mimi and George Everly? They went to our church a few years back. And then they left because their son was gay, and our church, of course, rejects that.”

  Of course, I thought bitterly. But I stayed silent. My mom went to church every Sunday, but my dad wouldn’t go, and I hadn’t gone since being given the option when I was twelve.

  “Well. I called Mimi. And I visited with her. We had a long talk.” She met my gaze, her blue eyes sad. “I think… I think I have a lot of praying to do and a lot of thinking to do. I don’t like your choices, Brian, and I don’t understand them. But Mimi makes some very good points. All I can tell you right now is that you’re my son, and I will never stop loving you. Never. If I lost you from my life entirely, it would break my heart.”

  She dabbed at her eyes, and I nodded, my throat thick with tears.

  “I don’t know when you can come home again. I’m grateful you can stay with the Hughes for now. Is it really okay that you’re there?”

  “Yeah, Mom. They don’t mind. It’s nice.”

  “Good. The Lord works in mysterious ways. But I want to see you, take you out for a meal like this on a regular basis, if nothing else. I hope that’s enough for now, Brian. And I hope you can forgive me for not being a better mother.”

  Maybe it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. But it was enough. For now. Lisa was on my side, and Mom straddled the middle. One and a half out of three wasn’t the worst outcome in the world.

  I hugged her goodbye when we parted and wished her a Merry Christmas.

  Chapter 25

  Christmas Day

  Landon

  “YOU DIDN’T have to get me anything. Just letting me stay here is more than generous.”

  It was a valiant effort at humility, but Brian couldn’t hide the happy glint in his eye as he held the big, red-wrapped box.

  “Don’t be silly, Brian. Open it.” Mom leaned forward with a smile, her cup of coffee in both hands.

  It was Christmas morning, and we were gathered by the Christmas tree in our PJs. Mom had woken us up that morning, rapping on our door and calling, “It’s Christmas morning, boys. And it’s snowing!”

  I jumped out of bed and looked out the window, holding the curtain back so Brian could see. It was the first snow of the year, with thick, fat flakes that looked like a Hollywood movie even though they melted as soon as they touched the ground. The smell of orange rolls wafted from the kitchen, a once-a-year treat my dad made.

  It felt like every awesome Christmas I’d ever spent in that house. Only this year my boyfriend was with me, and that boyfriend was Brian Marshall. That made it a million times better.

  Brian sat up in bed, his chest bare. “Quickie before going down?”

  I gave a mocking laugh. “Dude, orange rolls.” A pillow hit me in the ass as I left the room.

  Now Brian tore the wrapper off his gift. Inside was a new backpack, silver and high-tech looking with loads of hidden zippers and compartments.

  “This is the coolest backpack I’ve ever seen. Thanks, Sandra. Thank you, Rex.”

  He got up and gave my mom a kiss on the cheek and hesitated near my dad.

  “Hey, I paid for it too,” my dad joked, holding out his arms, so Brian kissed his cheek, which made my mom and I snort with laughter.

  My mom gave me a meaningful look. When she’d asked what they could get Brian, I mentioned that his backpack had been in the cafeteria that day and had a suspicious stain on one corner we never mentioned. That had sealed the deal.

  “Landon, open your big present,” Dad said.

  I ripped off the paper excitedly even though I already knew what it was. I was right. It was a new MacBook. I really needed one because my old laptop had broken hinges, a few wonky keys, and was slow enough to drive me mad.

  “Best present ever,” I said.

  “It’s for college.” Mom gave me a proud smile.

  “And for all your many projects,” my dad said. He went into a fake commercial voice. “A big mind needs a big tool.”

  I gaped. “You did not just say that!”

  “Well, Landon’s covered, then,” Brian said with a straight face.

  “No innuendo on Christmas! That’s a rule!” I shoved his thigh with my foot.

  I loved to joke about dicks with Brian, but with my parents? Not so much.

  I took the Mac out of the box. It was a thing of beauty. I felt a little guilty because I hadn’t told my parents I was thinking of doing a gap year. That was a discussion for another day, though. But, hey, a new Mac would come in handy no matter where I ended up.

  Brian and I also got matching blue plaid flannel robes, which was corny but fun. We got my mom earrings and my dad a book by his favorite author. We ate Christmas dinner, then drove over to a state park and took a short hike, the four of us. The snow had started to stick by then, and it was hushed and beautiful in the woods. Brian and I took our best selfie ever on a snowy bridge over a little stream.

  When we got home, my mom announced that she and my dad were going out for a “date night” to a Chinese restaurant they’d been wanting to try. I was pretty sure the date night in question was meant to be for me and Brian, so we could have time alone in the house.

  I thought I saw my mom wink at me as they left, but I will be in denial about it for the rest of my days.

  As soon as the door shut, Brian and I raced up to my room. I grabbed a brown paper bag from under the bed—condoms and lube I’d picked up at a pharmacy the week before. Brian said he wanted to take a quick shower, and quick it was, like sixty seconds. I went next, washing critical places in record time. Then we got into bed.

  Since getting together at Thanksgiving, we’d had a lot of sex. But we’d been waiting for a special occasion to try “the big kahuna,” as Brian called it.

  “So we’ll always remember exactly when it was,” Brian had said. The guy was such a romantic.

  Well, it didn’t get any more memorable than Christmas Day.

  We’d looked up a few how-to pages online together, which had been both funny and crazy hot, just thinking about how it would feel. We knew the basics of what went where, how to make it not hurt, and how to aim for the happy button.

  Sitting on my
bed naked, door locked for good measure, and the supplies laid out next to us, we flipped a coin.

  Brian tossed a quarter up into the air and slapped it on his arm. “Who gets to bottom: call it.”

  “Tails, but of course.” I smirked.

  He lifted his hand. It was heads.

  “Ooh, lookie what Santa brought me. Your sweet ass,” I teased as I leaned forward and kissed him.

  “Works for me. All I have to do is lie around and look pretty.” Brian rolled onto his stomach and looked over his shoulder at me coyly.

  He was teasing, but seeing him like that, his golden back, round ass, and beautiful face, made my pulse literally flutter. I went from semihard to granite in seconds. I leaned over and kissed one cheek. “How did I get this lucky? I can’t believe we’re doing this.”

  We did the slow-prep thing, nervously laughing at first, but then he was gasping, and he felt hot and tight and it wasn’t funny at all. There was a look of sheer bliss on his face when I found his prostate with my fingers. He gave a groan deeper and louder than any he’d ever made before. And I couldn’t wait another minute.

  He lay on his back as I entered him. He watched me intently with burning eyes, as if wanting to see every flicker of what I was feeling. I needed to see what it felt like on his face too, every tensing of his jaw and tremble of his lip.

  We went slowly, only the sounds of our harsh breathing in the snow-hushed room. The bond between us had been crazy strong since that day in the cafeteria, and it had only grown since. Looking in his eyes now, it was like we were one person lucky enough to have two bodies to perform this act. By the time I bottomed out inside him, the feels were overwhelming.

  “I love you,” I said. I hadn’t meant to say it for the first time in the middle of sex. But I couldn’t hold it back.

  Brian’s face lit up with a gorgeous smile. “I love you, Landon Hughes. Now make me see stars.”

  I guess all those afternoons of watching his face as we touched each other paid off. Because we took our time, edging along the pleasure, and made it last. We finished together as if we’d been making love this way for a million years.

  And maybe, in some part of our hearts, we had.

  AFTER WE got cleaned up, we went down to the kitchen in our new robes and made hot chocolate. We sat out in the living room to be near the Christmas tree. Brian and I had saved our gifts for each other, wanting to open them in private.

  “Open yours first,” I said.

  He ripped it open eagerly. I hoped he didn’t think it was dorky.

  He opened the little white box to reveal a necklace. It was on a heavy silver chain, and it had a black-in-silver circle, doughnut-shaped. The front of the circle had a tiny diamond. On the back it said “B & L.”

  “I got one for me too,” I said, pulling mine out from inside my robe. “I thought about getting those necklaces with two halves of a heart, but this design was cooler.”

  “I love it,” he said with a soft smile. He leaned over and gave me a kiss.

  “You don’t have to wear it if you don’t want to. If you hate wearing jewelry, you could keep it in your backpack or something.”

  He took it out of the box. “Dork. Of course I’m gonna wear it. No one could pry it off me. Help me put it on.”

  We took a selfie with them on. I looked at the picture on my phone and, seeing it, I was struck all over again by how beautiful Brian was. How did an ordinary guy like me end up with someone like him? It was crazy.

  When I looked up, Brian was looking down at his necklace with a sad expression.

  “What are you thinking about?”

  “Sorry. It’s the first Christmas Jake will miss. But—”

  He stopped. But not the last.

  “Did you guys hang out together on Christmas Day?” I asked, rubbing his thigh through the robe.

  Brian nodded. “Usually he’d come over to eat with us and I’d go over to eat with them, so basically, we pigged out all day. If the weather was decent, we’d play hoops in his driveway. Or if there was a little new snow, like today, football. Nothing beats touch football in the park in the snow.” He smiled at the memory. “Sometimes some of the other guys would come out for it too.”

  I felt an ache of sadness. A lot of families in Silver Falls were missing their kids today.

  Brian shook his head. “Come on. Open yours. I have to warn you, it didn’t cost much.”

  “I don’t care about that.” I settled back down on the couch with my present. He’d wrapped it in solid green paper with a white bow. I felt stupidly excited to see what it was. I had no clue what he might have gotten me.

  “Should I guess?”

  He rolled his eyes. “Just open it!”

  “Okay, okay.”

  As I did, he bit his lip, looking nervous. Inside was a picture frame. And inside the picture frame was a short poem called “Lion” printed on thick parchment paper with a selfie of the two of us underneath it. The lines of the poem seemed to dance before my eyes.

  Maybe a day will come when I can tell you: this frightened heart is yours.

  “Oh my God, Brian, you’re killing me.” I swiped at my eyes.

  “I wrote it before we were together, but it seemed like the right time to give it to you. I hope you like it.”

  I rubbed my thumb over the glass, my heart so full it hurt. “It’s perfect.”

  “Yeah?” He looked unsure.

  I nodded. “Absolutely. It’s the best present I’ve ever received.”

  I put the frame carefully on the coffee table, then flopped around so we were lying the same way. We snuggled down on the couch together. I took the plate of cookies off the end table and put it on Brian’s robe-covered stomach, and we lay there in silence eating cookies.

  “Best Christmas ever,” I said after a while.

  “Gonna be hard to top this.”

  I ate another cookie.

  “You know what?”

  “What?”

  “I think 2019 is going to be a great year. You’re doing better, healthwise. And there are so many exciting opportunities for us to be visible and have a positive impact. You know? Plus we get to be together all the time. I know what happened with your dad is superhurtful. But—and please don’t get mad—I think you’re a lot better off out of that house. Your dad was holding you back so much, Bri.”

  Brian wiped a crumb off my chin, looking thoughtful. “I think it’ll take a while to sink in—that I don’t have to watch everything I say, and that I can be whatever I want to be at school without worrying about him. I can’t thank you guys enough for letting me—”

  “And stop saying ‘thank you.’ It’s a huge gift to me that you get to be here all the time. And I know my parents love having you here too. They always wanted another kid, but it never happened. So. We’re gonna accomplish amazing things, and be together, and be happy in the new year. Right?” I propped myself up on one elbow so I could see his face.

  He took a shaky breath. “I think so. It’ll be interesting being out at school, but I’m ready for it. More than ready.”

  There was a spark of reservation in his eyes, though. I studied him for a moment, knowing what would make the New Year truly a fresh start, and knowing, too, that was one present I couldn’t give him.

  “They’ll catch them soon. I dunno, Bri. I just feel it.” I took his hand and kissed his fingers. “There are cycles to everything. And it’s time for that to be over and done with.”

  He shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about that. Only good things tonight. Deal?”

  “Deal,” I said.

  Because we’re allowed to have bright, shining Christmas moments in life. And this one was ours.

  Part IV. Dancing with the Devil

  “Nightmare” by Brian Marshall

  I do not know your name,

  But you star in my nightmares.

  You stalk me,

  Ghost that you are.

  You stained me,

  Like oil, lik
e dirt, like blood.

  Touched my secret spaces with a black brush.

  Took what was whole and danced on the shattered pieces.

  Someday you will have a face and a name.

  It will be an ordinary face and an ordinary name.

  Not at all like the ghoul in my dreams.

  Yet a nightmare is what you have made,

  A nightmare is what you will always be,

  Behind that ordinary face,

  Down in the cracks where you live.

  Chapter 26

  Brian

  TWO DAYS after Christmas, I woke up to find Landon packing clothes into a black roller bag on his desk chair. I rubbed my eyes and yawned. “You going somewhere?”

  He looked over at me sheepishly. “Sorry to wake you. I was feeling antsy and wanted to get my packing done. Just printed my boarding pass.”

  I sat up in bed, feeling the first tendrils of worry prickle my skin. “Where are you going?”

  Landon placed a folded black T-shirt in the bag and turned to look at me. “Um. New York. The CNN New Year’s special. Remember?”

  I did remember. Landon had been excited when they’d called to book him for it. And I had said that was great and hadn’t thought about it since. They’d even mentioned it on the PA announcement on the last day of school. But a trip? I should have paid more attention.

  “I thought it was going to be a phone interview.”

  “No, Bri.” Landon smiled at me fondly, like I was being silly. “This is a big deal. I told you about it. It’s a year-in-review show, and gun violence is one of their top ten issues of 2018. So they’re doing a segment with a group of survivors. It’ll be outside, and they’ll have a live audience and everything.”

  Top Ten Issues. Sounded like a lame YouTube video. I hated how the media had made a ratings circus out of the horror of that day, even though I knew it raised awareness of gun violence. And it’s not like I wanted people to forget what happened. No one should ever forget, especially not with the shooters still out there.