A Fluid State

by Rob Browatzke

  Luckily, Ann had a huge wardrobe already. Sometimes, Andrew tried to estimate how many thousands of dollars he had invested in gowns and jewels and stuff for his alter ego, but he always resisted. It was a lot, and that was answer enough.

  Ann was an expensive bitch, which is why Andrew lived simply.

  He couldn’t help but daydreaming though, what it would be like to have someone to share those expenses with. Maybe one day, he and Patrick would move in together.

  (Think of the rehearsals on that big deck)

  This was exactly why he’d suggested a couple days off to breathe. Moving in together? He was being ludicrous. If it ever did get to that point, it would be months, if not years, away. In the meantime, it was a few hundred dollars a gig, and some extra coin on the side styling wigs for new queens who didn’t know what to do with their hair. Things were tight, but doable.

  (Speaking of doable tight butt)

  He couldn’t believe Patrick was going to bottom eventually. He knew it would happen. Patrick enjoyed the ass play way too much to not try. Just the thought of fucking that glorious ass made Andrew plump up. He’d fucked Kent, sure, and not long ago at that, but he knew that first time with Patrick would be explosive. For both of them.

  He’d missed tons of messages on his phone. Nothing important, but tons. He and Aaron and Rodrigo had a group chat they used for planning events, and he had another group chat with some of the Torch staff that they used to dish gossip, and reading through what he’d missed, he really wanted to be able to contribute something. He had just had a night of mind-blowing sex with a straight guy, and the guys would be living if he told them, but he just couldn’t do it.

  He wanted to keep Patrick all to himself.

  He had always known he was a super jealous guy. He hadn’t even liked sharing his toys as a kid, and god forbid some queen ask to borrow a dress. Men were no different. There was already part of Patrick he knew he would always be sharing with Christy, and that was weird – he’d never dated a bi guy much less a somewhat-less-than-straight guy – but he’d get used to it. He had no choice there. She was Peter’s mom, and he was just... the guy in love with his dad.

  There. He’d said it. Or thought it at least.

  Looking back, it had probably happened a long time ago. Maybe even when Patrick slammed his arm down on the table and had Andrew paint his nails. Long before anything had happened between them. Now that things had started to happen, and were happening fast at that, there was no point in denying what he was feeling.

  At least to himself. Patrick, great guy or not, wasn’t ready to hear that. And it was far too soon to say it anyway. Didn’t Andrew always make fun of the gays who flitted about the bar, all in love after twenty minutes and then heartbroken when the guy was onto someone else twenty minutes later? Andrew was supposed to be past all that.

  He’d been in love before. He knew what it felt like. He always know how fucking painful it was when that love got stamped all over, and he wasn’t saying that would happen with Patrick, but it happened for everyone. All he could do was enjoy it while it lasted, and not scare him off sooner than necessary.

  Then it would be back to Thai takeaway for one and body pillow cuddles.

  §

  Tuesday bled into Wednesday, and the group chat with the gang blew up with plans for Wingsanity Wednesday at the Peppery Pig. Andrew was relatively new to the inner circle of Torch staff, but his queen status elevated him fast. Aaron and Rodrigo insisted he join them, and since he was still in that self-imposed forty-eight-hour exile from Patrick, he figured why not?

  The Pig was always packed, but the gang had been going there for years, since before the Torch even opened. Then, they’d been the Wonderland boys, Brandon and Aaron and their assorted boys-du-jour. Now though, Brandon and Aaron were both coupled off...

  (See? It can happen)

  (Give it time)

  ...and more, they were co-owners of River City’s hottest club, so of course, the serving staff of the Pig rolled out the best red carpet treatment they could, which amounted to some comped wings to go with the jugs of beer. Brandon and Billy, Aaron and Rodrigo, their friends Alex and Steven and Andrew, serving seventh wheel realness.

  “Is no one else coming?” he asked. “Keith? Jesse?”

  “Not tonight. It’s just us,” Brandon said.

  “Awkward,” Andrew said.

  “Awww. Don’t worry, Ann,” Aaron said. “You’ll find someone.”

  “Didn’t you go on a date with Nurse Kent? You could have brought him,” Rodrigo said.

  “We did. It was nice. Won’t go anywhere.”

  “Your standards are too high,” Brandon said.

  “Oh yes,” Andrew replied. “Because all of you have lowered your standards.” They were a ridiculously attractive circle of people. Still, there wasn’t one of them that could hold a candle to Patrick.

  “What about your straight guy?” Brandon asked.

  “What about him?” Andrew said, tensing up.

  “Is that going anywhere?”

  He didn’t want to lie, but it wasn’t his place to tell. “You do know what straight means, right?”

  “I know that straight doesn’t mean what it used to,” Brandon said. “Bi is the new black.”

  They didn’t know him, Andrew rationalized. Even if he told them, what was the worst that could happen? “Well...”

  “Something is happening with him!” Rodrigo yelled. “Spill, girl, spill.”

  “I shouldn’t.”

  “Shouldn’t? Girl, if you’ve done anything with that beefy daddy, you need to tell us every detail,” Aaron said.

  “We’ve spent lots of time together.”

  “And?”

  “I really shouldn’t, guys.”

  “Look, queen, have you sucked his straight dick or not?” Andrew took a swig of beer to hide the tell-tale blush that crept across his face at Rodrigo’s question. “You have, haven’t you?”

  “Maybe a little.”

  “How do you suck someone’s dick a little?”

  “Ok, I sucked it a lot.”

  “Yaaaaassssssss queen,” Aaron said. “And?”

  “And what?”

  “How was it?”

  Andrew felt a goofy smile break across his face. “Pretty damn good.”

  “You’re smitten, aren’t you?”

  He looked at Aaron. There was no point denying anything now. “Yah.”

  “Oh, girl, straight guys are no good. Even if he’s not just getting his tuck sucker rocks off, it’s too much. You know that, right? He’s not about to come out of the closet and ride off into the sunset with you. That doesn’t happen.”

  “I know that. I just...”

  “You just nothing. You leave that straight dick alone. I don’t care how hot he is.”

  “Poor Nurse Kent. He’s adorable, you know,” Brandon said.

  “Hey! Boyfriend here!” Billy slapped Brandon’s shoulder.

  “Boyfriend loved,” Brandon said, kissing his cheek. “He’s still adorable though.”

  “True,” Billy said. “And gay. And into you.”

  “The perfect trifecta for any lonely queen looking for love, right?”

  Andrew sighed. They were right. He knew that. It had been easy to see some fantasy when it was all in his head, but now that it was out in the open, they were telling him all the things he already knew. Patrick wasn’t Mr. Right. He couldn’t be.

  And the sooner Andrew moved on, the easier it would be.

  PATRICK

  Christy dropped Peter off and Patrick shoved all thoughts of Andrew from his head. For the next two days at least, his focus was spending time with his son. It was just two weeks until classes started back. How could he be in sixth grade already?

  “You have fun,” Patrick told Christy, after she hugged Peter at the door.

  Christy smiled. “You two have fun too. I’ll be back Friday.”

  “I still have him this weekend though, right?”
/>   “Of course, Patrick. I work on the weekend. Peter, you be good for your dad, okay?”

  “Of course, Mom,” Peter said with an eye roll.

  Patrick walked Christy to the car. “I hope you do have fun,” Patrick said. “I guess I might need to meet this guy and give him my approval.”

  “Let’s not jump the gun, but yes, I’ll make sure you meet him. I certainly expect to meet any other woman you get serious with.”

  Again, he thought, there was an opening, but not like this. Not with her about to leave town. Besides, his rule had always been to not bring people into Peter and Christy’s lives unless it was serious. Did it matter if that person was a woman or a man? No, apparently not.

  He went back in. “What did you wanna do today?”

  “Drag Race.”

  That should have been obvious. “You must have seen them all by now,” Patrick said.

  “No. Britney and I haven’t seen any of season ten yet, and she wants to start it.” He looked at Patrick very pointedly. “If I had a phone, we could text while we watch it.”

  “You’re too young,” Patrick said. “You could invite her over though.”

  Peter’s eyes widened. “What? No. I couldn’t.” His breathing sped up.

  “Calm down. It’s okay. You don’t have to. But it’s okay.”

  “So I’m old enough to have a girlfriend but not old enough to have a phone?”

  “Well, she’s not your girlfriend yet, is she? If you can’t even invite her over...”

  “So if I invite her over, can I have a phone? All my friends have phones.”

  Patrick thought about it. “I’ll need to talk to your mom.”

  “But she won’t be back for a couple days.”

  Patrick raised an eyebrow. “Do you know where she’s going?”

  Peter shrugged. “I’m not supposed to, but she’s going camping with Brad.”

  “How do you know about Brad?”

  “I’m eleven. I know what’s going on.”

  “Are you okay with your mom having a boyfriend?”

  He shrugged again. “If she’s happy.” He paused. “Do you have a girlfriend?”

  Patrick inhaled deeply. “Let’s go sit down.”

  “Uh oh. You do, don’t you?”

  “I don’t. But let’s sit down.”

  Patrick put his hand on Peter’s shoulder as they walked over to the couch and sat down. “I don’t have a girlfriend, but I have been spending time with someone who’s pretty special.”

  “What’s their name?”

  Was he really about to do this? Was he really about to come out as whatever to his son?

  The phone rang. Peter jumped up. “Let it ring,” Patrick said.

  “But it might be Britney. I gave her this number.” He paused and looked at his dad. “Since I don’t have my own phone.”

  Patrick laughed. “Go get it. And shit, I’ll text your mom and she what she says.”

  Peter’s eyes lit up and he ran over to the phone. Patrick leaned back into the couch and exhaled. He’d almost done it. And the only terrifying thing about that was that it didn’t feel terrifying at all. Telling Peter felt right.

  He pulled out his phone, shot Christy a text saying they should probably get Peter a phone, and then his fingers hovered above the screen. Almost coming out to his kid was a big deal. He wanted to share it with Andrew. Then again, Andrew had been pretty insistent on a bit of downtime, and Patrick telling Peter would be a bit of a big deal. Texting Andrew could wait. Heck, telling Peter could probably wait.

  “She’s going to come over,” Peter said. “Does this mean I get a phone?”

  “I asked your mom. We will see what she says.”

  “What were you going to tell me?”

  Patrick stood up and ran his hand over Peter’s head. “Nothing, champ. You go put your stuff away before Britney gets here.”

  Peter grabbed his bag in his good arm and ran upstairs. “Thanks, Dad. You don’t need to watch with us, you know, if you have something else to do.”

  “Oh, I don’t mind.”

  “Dad!”

  “Unless you don’t want me to watch with you?” he yelled up the stairs. “Is that it?”

  Peter came bounding back down. “Well, it might be kind of cool if it was just us, you know.”

  “I can take a hint, champ. Don’t worry. I’ll leave you two alone.” His phone buzzed in his pocket. He gave it a quick glance.

  “Was that Mom? Can I get one?”

  Patrick laughed. “Yes. She says yes. We’ll go later tonight.” Peter let out a happy yell. “I’ll be out in the yard. You behave when she gets here.”

  Peter started pushing him towards the patio door with his good arm. “We will. Now go.”

  Patrick chuckled again. They grew up so fast.

  §

  Peter, of course, spent most of the night setting up and playing with his new phone. Patrick explained the rules for its use, and then set him free. He was up in his room texting Britney no doubt, not that they hadn’t spent three hours together earlier watching Drag Race.

  So Peter was texting her, Christy was at the cabin with this Brad guy, and Patrick was sitting on the deck, staring up into the night sky, and not texting Andrew. It would be easy to break the rule, to invite him over for beers in the backyard, but he couldn’t. If it was important to Andrew that they have some time apart –and it clearly was – then it was important to Patrick.

  But oh god it was hard. After three days practically attached at the hip, in some instances very literally, the absence of him was almost painful. He’d really gotten under Patrick’s skin, like a drug or an itch, or whatever something was that got under your skin and you wanted it there.

  He wasn’t big on metaphors.

  He wondered what Andrew was doing right at that moment. He wondered if Andrew was thinking about him. And Jesus Christ, he wondered when he’d gotten to be such a mess. He hadn’t been like that with Christy. They’d been good together for a long time, but when she was off doing her own thing, he’d done his own thing, and that had been fine. Why was it so different with Andrew?

  Everything was different with Andrew.

  After he tucked Peter into bed, making it crystal clear that bed time meant no phone, he debated going back out into the yard with a six-pack. But he also was still super hyper aware that his drinking since he’d gotten home was a bit much. He simply turned in himself, acutely aware of how big the bed was with only him in it.

  Peter was already up when Patrick woke up, already on his phone, and now Patrick remembered why he and Christy had been so hesitant about getting him one.

  “You aren’t spending all day on that,” Patrick said. “Not when it’s this nice out.”

  “I can’t do anything with this arm anyway,” Peter said. “It’s hard enough to text.”

  “We can do something that doesn’t need your arm. What about the zoo or something?”

  “Dad, I’m not a kid.”

  “Peter, I’m not kidding. We got you the phone, but you have to do something for me now. I don’t want you spending all day on the phone, or,” he added seeing Peter reach for the remote, “or on Netflix!”

  “But Dad!”

  “No buts. Think of something.”

  Peter decided on shopping, which was not exactly something outdoors like Patrick had wanted, but he also was willing to take what he could get. Peter had a big list of things he needed for school, so they took care of that, followed by lunch. Patrick caved then, and let Peter spend the afternoon watching Netflix, which he did all the while texting about the show with his friends.

  Patrick tried to busy himself elsewhere in the house. The show just made him think of Andrew and he was trying not to think about Andrew. But already, there were afterimages of Andrew all around the house. The yard. The kitchen. The bedroom. Those bedroom afterimages got the better of him, and Patrick started Googling first time bottoming.

  Maybe Peter having his own phone was
n’t a bad thing. This search history was now something wholly inappropriate for an eleven year old.

  He wanted to try it. He knew Andrew would enjoy it, and that meant he’d enjoy it. He hoped. He’d done it to Christy and hadn’t been particularly thoughtful about whether or not she enjoyed it. He’d asked after how much it hurt. That was about it. He’d never dreamed that he’d one day be considering taking it up the ass himself.

  The thought turned him on though, enough that he set his phone aside and busied himself in the kitchen again, getting dinner ready. Was it even pasta if it didn’t have meat sauce, he wondered, but that’s what Peter wanted and so that’s what they were having.

  He was making yet another vegetarian dish while his son was watching a show about drag queens, and he was thinking about losing his up the butt virginity to a guy. This was not the summer he had expected.

  §

  He was lying in bed staring at the ceiling when the phone rang. He rolled over, fumbling for it in the dark. It was Andrew and it was after eleven.

  “What’s up?”

  “I’m drunk.”

  “I see.”

  “I did a thing tonight, and I feel bad.”

  Patrick sat up in bed. What could it even be, other than some drunk sex with some guy? Probably the nurse. They weren’t a couple. Technically, they weren’t anything. Patrick had no right to expect monogamy. He breathed in deep, trying to squash the jealousy with air. “Oh?”

  “I told my friends about us.”

  “What?”

  “I knew I shouldn’t and I didn’t mean to but it just came up.”

  “What did you tell them exactly?”

  “I guess basically just that I’d sucked your dick and that I liked it.”

  “That’s all?”

  “That’s all. Don’t be mad.”

  “I’m not. Not at all. I almost told Peter.”

  “That I sucked your dick?”

  Patrick laughed. “Well, no. But that we were spending time together.”

  “Almost, you said? So you didn’t?”

  “He got distracted.”

  “That’s cool though. That you almost told him.”

  “Is there something else? Cuz you sound like there’s something else.”