by KL Donn
Stepping away from him, I gaze between the two men and ask, “Either of you have a tranquilizer?” I’m only half kidding, and I can see they aren’t sure whether to laugh or go find one.
“Umm, not here, but I could get one?” Theo offers with a smirk. I have no doubt he probably could.
Shaking my head, I turn to grab a few things from my desk. “Just let me get a couple of things. Does he need anything from his house? Maybe one of you could go grab it while I compose myself?”
“Already got it.” Nix shrugs at my quizzical look. “Figured if you agreed to come, we shouldn’t leave too much to chance and give you time to back out. So, hurry the hell up.”
“Right. Smart,” I respond as I round-up my phone and a pair of headphones. Running up to my bathroom, I grab my anti-anxiety meds and pop one into my mouth. They usually knock me out, but I have a feeling I’ll be too amped up this time for them to do that. Hence the music. It will help calm and focus me.
Jogging back down the stairs, I see both Ryder’s friends standing by the open front door and it hits me then, I’m not just stepping outside, feeling the air, seeing the world. I’m leaving the property. I’m going to a place I’ve never seen or been to, and I can feel my heartrate accelerating already. My breathing grows heavy, and stars dance in front of my eyes.
“If I pass out, just carry me,” I huff out.
Both men grab an arm and slowly help me out of the house. The moon is blinding as I walk past the front porch, around the garage, and to the truck in the driveway.
“I can’t breathe,” I murmur. My chest is tightening exponentially.
“Relax, slow breaths,” Theo encourages. “Think of Ryder, Codie. He needs you. You’ll be with him soon.”
I feel sluggish as he picks me up and climbs in the back seat with me. “Close your eyes. Concentrate on the rise and fall of your chest. That’s a girl. Keep going.” The lazy cadence of his voice helps soothe me as my medication kicks in, and my body slowly slides into a relaxed state.
Slipping the earbuds in my ears, I hit play on a random station. The beat of Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep” rushes through my ears, and I relax into the sounds of her words. The strength and endurance behind her message.
I can feel the tires rolling under the truck, the rumble of the soft engine. Movement as we stop and go. The heat from Theo’s body as he stares at me while Nix drives.
It doesn’t take long for my mind to completely drift and soon, I’m aware but floating free from my body. The fear is left behind, replaced with absolute resolution that I need to be strong for Ryder. That even though he’s my rock, I can, and will, regain the power over my life while he’s by my side.
Ryder
* * *
“Brace for cover!” I yell at Foster and Everett as I see our team coming through the cover of night with a big fucking rocket launcher aimed at one of the shacks beside us.
The buzzing as it’s fired and subsequent boom make my ears ring, and the heat of the explosion nearly sears my skin, if not for the walls of our own prison. “Jesus!” Foster grumbles as he picks Ev up in his arms.
It’s been two days, and she refuses to speak to either of us. She’ll barely sustain eye contact, and I wonder if she’s going to make it back home. “Here comes another!” We drop to the ground, covering Everett’s body with our own. Ensuring the impact of any debris doesn’t touch her is our main objective.
“Go, go, go!” I hear Nix yell outside as groundfire is used as cover for whoever is coming to our shack.
“Here we go, boys!” Weston yells as he shoots the lock off the door.
“Gun!” I shout over the sounds of war breaking out. “Chaos has the girl. Let’s cover him.” I don’t care that I can barely walk after taking the majority of the beatings these sons of bitches liked to deliver. A dislocated knee is the least of our worries at this point.
Thankfully, we all have enough training to know how to deal with dislocations. Doesn’t mean the pain has lessened. Especially with a bullet wound to my shoulder. I’m confident I’ve got infection rushing through my blood, too.
“Up and over guys, up and over,” Wes instructs as we come out guns ablaze. Foster runs with the girl in his arms, and Theo helps him up the wall with her. Both landing and likely running.
“Your turn, Tac.” Fuck.
“You first.” I nod towards where Foster and Everett just were. “They need all the help they can get.” He’s skeptical at first, but nods when I hit him with a hard glare.
“See you soon.” I lay down cover fire with Nix as Wes runs and follows after Foster. Theo sits up on the wall, his rifle aimed at any moving target he can find before he fires another round.
“Let’s go, Tac!” Nix yells, and I can only pray my knee holds me up. Pushing away from the shack wall, I feel the heat of bullets flying past me as I maneuver over to where Nix is taking cover behind some oil drums.
“What the fuck did they do to you?” He growls as I land in a heap at his feet.
“They’re creative.” I stare up at Theo as I see rage cover his face moments before he blasts the compound with another grenade.
“Let’s get you home.” Nix curses as he helps me to my feet. Climbing the rope up the wall is not nearly as easy as the last time. I can feel my adrenaline waning, and the blood rushes through me at rapid speed as I get dizzy looking down the other side.
“Might not make it, sir,” I mumble as darkness takes me over, and I’m free-falling to the other side before anyone can catch me.
My last thought is of Codie and who’s going to take care of her now.
Jolted awake by movement beside me, I’m surprised to see the woman I’ve kept thinking of lying beside me. In the hospital. Out of her house.
“What the hell?” I murmur quietly so as not to wake her up.
“She insisted,” Nix says from a corner of the room I hadn’t seen him in. Pain radiates through me as I try to sit up straighter. “At ease, Tac.”
“Thanks. Why would she insist on coming?” It’s hard to believe. Codie is only just able to get outside her door now.
“Because you were right about her, man, and I was an ass. Love is a powerful motivator.” Love?
“We’re not there yet.” I’m getting there, but I’ve been holding back. I know she has, too. We’ve both been through too much to simply let love happen.
He shrugs. “Maybe you two don’t see it, but I’m not blind, Tac. Why do you think I pushed her so hard? If she’s not willing to fight for you, she doesn’t deserve you.” Shocked, I’m speechless. “I knew if she didn’t come today, there was no future for you two. But this one, she’s a persistent girl. Even in the middle of a breakdown, her mind was fighting her to let go, to let her heart take the lead.”
“Is she drugged?” I know her meds knock her out quickly.
“She took an anti-anxiety pill before we left, but she fought through the fog and remained pretty alert. I had to carry her in here. Almost got arrested for that one.” He chuckles as he stands and walks over to where I lay holding Codie in my arms. “She was scared. But she fought through a lot of demons, man. Don’t let her go.”
Gazing down at the woman who is unequivocally the biggest contradiction I’ve ever seen, I know I won’t. “She’s stuck with me.”
“We good, man?” My boss, mentor, and friend appears worried.
“We’re good, Nix.”
He leaves, and I’m left in the quiet to digest the past few days. My feelings about Codie. How the mission went down and if there’s one thing I’m certain of, it’s that this is the life I want.
Missions can be dangerous; they can be the reason I don’t come home. But if it means rescuing more people like Everett Gaines, freeing them from hell, I’ll do it with my dying breath. Seeing Codie here now, I believe, more than ever, that while she might not think she’s strong enough to handle what life throws at her, she can overcome anything.
She battled her darkest demons to be by my side
. This girl is a fighter, and I’m eager to prove to her that we’re it for each other. She’s mine, now, and I won’t let her back down.
Codie
* * *
I feel the angst building in my bones as I listen to Nix and Ryder talk about me. The meds keep me from being alert enough to elicit a response to what they say. When I hear Nix explain why he did what he did, I want to cry. I also want to punch him right in the chest for making me feel so…useless.
On the same note, I also want to hug him for giving me the push I needed to become a woman Ryder can be proud to be with. It’s been nearly a month since Ryder pushed his way into my life, and I can’t feel any type of regret over it. I feel elation and excitement.
I feel a future I never saw myself having after all the turmoil centered around my life. I will always carry the pain of losing Lucas, but now, I can intertwine it with the happiness I reminisce about when I was planning his birth. I remember the first kick, the first time I heard his heartbeat, the first ultrasound, and I can breathe. I can talk about him and not experience the crippling apprehension I once did.
I’m not cured, not by a long shot. But I feel I can function again. At least a little bit more than before. Maybe I’ll be able to leave the house without counting my steps, maybe I won’t have a panic attack in the driveaway.
“Maybe you can say hello now?” Ryder’s soft voice breaks my thoughts, and I stare up at him, happy beyond words that he’s alive.
“Hi.”
“Your thinking hurts my head.” He laughs as I frown.
“Sorry.” I smile at him because I know he’s teasing me. “I thought I was masking it pretty well.”
“Maybe to Nix. Not me.” His hand brushes the hair back from my face, and I close my eyes. Savoring the soft touch. “I’m glad you came.”
“Me, too,” I answer, turning my head to kiss the palm of his hand. “I’m sorry you were hurt.” Theo and Nix only gave me the bare minimum of details.
His eyes search mine for a full minute before he responds. “It was worth it.”
“Do you think she’ll be okay?” I overheard Theo talking on the phone to someone about the woman they rescued, and she was in bad shape.
“Honestly? I think physically she will. Mentally, she’s going to need a lot of help.” Ryder’s eyes sadden at what the woman must have gone through. I can’t help but feel for her.
“You should rest,” I instruct him.
“Kiss me first.” He leans down before I can respond and captures my lips in a slow caress that quickly deepens. I’m lost in the sensations of his mouth as his hands roam my body. I light up for this man, and I can’t wait to have him home once again.
Chapter 17
Codie
After spending all day with Ryder and having only one minor freak out, the doctors and nurses demanded that I go home once visiting hours were over. If not for Ryder insisting that I get some rest and calm down, I would have forced myself to stay. I would have pushed through every apprehension I had. But I could feel my body gearing up for a brutal attack, and I knew I needed to get myself under control before coming back in the morning.
Thankfully, Theo and Nix were around to help me back to my house and understand my limitations. If not for the fact I know I can’t control my reactions to the outside world, I would have been embarrassed.
Circumstances made me what I am, and I won’t apologize to anyone for it. Especially people who look upon me with disdain.
“You sure you’re okay to go in by yourself?” Theo asks again.
I begged off having either one of them checking through the house. My creeper hasn’t been back since Ryder came into my life, and I’m confident I can walk to the door. Plus, I know once I’m inside, I likely won’t make it past the front door. I’ll need a few moments to decompress from the day, and movement will be slow coming as soon as the door shuts.
“I’m positive. Whoever was bothering me has obviously lost interest.” I force a smile that I don’t feel as Theo nods.
“Alright, we’ll be back in the morning. Call if you need anything.” He watches with worry as I walk up to the house.
It feels weird, strolling towards the front door. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen the outside of the structure. It needs new paint.
Grabbing the doorknob, I twist and don’t even realize what’s wrong until it’s too late and the door is closing behind me.
Getting slammed against the wood, I hit my head off one of the deadbolts and immediately feel blood dripping down my cheek. A body holds me roughly against the frame as I try to struggle free. Before I can scream, a sweet scent invades my nostrils, and soon, I’m dizzy and my eyes are rolling into the back of my head.
No. No. No.
Ryder…
Ryder
* * *
I felt the excruciating pain Codie was in when she left, and I knew I had to convince her to go home. As much as I enjoyed having her by my side, I recognized it was harming her state of mind. She’s so fucking strong but so damn fragile at the same time.
She’s slowly coming out of her shell, but I also realize that today, she forced herself to be by my side and that’s not good for her psyche.
After being pumped full of more drugs, sleep beckons me with a warm embrace, and soon, I’ve surrendered to the Sandman. While my body rests, my mind is ablaze with torment.
“Who do you work for?” The man in the mask screams at me again. When they tried to take Everett from Foster’s hold, I put up one hell of a fight and forced them to interrogate me instead.
“Your momma.” I spit the blood pooling in my mouth on the ground at his feet.
“You’ll regret that.” He laughs as he brings a pipe across my chest. Pain erupts, and I fight with everything in me to react as little as possible.
The CIA’s torture training tactics are coming in handy for the second time in my life. Can’t say I’m too pleased about it.
“Who do you work for?” he snaps again, putting pressure on the wound in my shoulder.
“Ahhh,” I groan out, feeling the warmth of blood trickle down my arm and drip onto the floor. “Alright.” I breathe. “Alright.”
He chuckles thinking he’s won. “Weak man.”
“I’ll tell you,” I say, inhaling a deep breath. I realize what’s coming next. “Once you tell him”—I nod to the man in the corner—“how much you enjoyed banging his sister last night.”
Cursing lights up the room, and I laugh at their reactions until the fucking pipe is brought down against my ribs repeatedly, and I’m nearly unconscious.
“Fuck,” I hiss as they back off. Coughing, I roll on the floor, trying to protect my vital organs.
“Before we’re done, you’ll talk. If not, we’ll take it out on the girl.” Over my dead fucking body they will.
Chapter 18
Theo
“Codie!” I bang on the door for the fifth time. I know she’s got issues, but fuck, I don’t have time for this shit.
“She sleeping maybe?” Nix asks, walking behind me. The fact he hasn’t bolted yet shocks me.
“Maybe?” I shrug. But I know enough about her to recognize that she wouldn’t just ignore us like this. Not after yesterday.
“You have a key, right?”
“Yeah.” I didn’t want to just barge into her place, though. Seeing no other options, I pull it out and find that only the doorknob is locked. “Fuck.” Taking the Berretta out of my side holster, I slowly open the door, and immediately, I see her purse lying on the ground, and the back door leading into the kitchen is wide open.
“This isn’t good,” Nix mutters behind me as we go through her entire house in the hopes she’s hiding. “Ryder’s going to fucking kill us,” he says as we enter the front room at the same time.
“More than kill us.” Today is going to be a bad fucking day.
Codie
* * *
“You killed him, Codie,” a voice murmurs in my fogged brain. “He�
�s dead because you’re useless.” A voice that feels vaguely familiar.
“Who?” I mumble. Or, at least, I think I do.
“You were a deadbeat mom before he even entered the world. You should have died instead of him,” It taunts.
Lucas.
I wish every day that it was me instead of him.
“I know,” I whisper. Tears immediately spring to my eyes. I’ll never forget my failures.
“I should bleed you out, right here, right now. Make you suffer.” Why do I know this voice?
Opening my eyes, I’m met with complete darkness, and it only takes a second to realize that I’ve been blindfolded. Pulling my arms, I can tell my wrists are tied behind my back, and I’m strapped to a chair.
“Why are you doing this?” I get no answer. I can hear my captor moving around, but he remains silent now. “Who are you?” I struggle to get free with no success. Even my legs are bound to the chair.
I hear something being set down on a hard surface, then it’s instantly followed by the sounds of a baby crying. The mechanical tone tells me it’s some sort of recording, but the impact of what it means is no less.
Lucas.
I never heard his cries. He never got to inhale a breath of air to even try to scream with life. I failed him, and I’m getting my penance now.
The cries grow more frenetic, as though the baby is terrified, and I can only imagine how horrid it must be. How frantic the mother must have been.
At least, she didn’t kill her baby.
Not like me.
“You’re a baby killer,” the voice growls in my ear.
A wracking sob breaks through my body, and I have no way to defend myself because it’s true. “I know,” I scream out loud. The pain of that day, the remembrance of how heart-breaking it was rushes through me, and as I feel a prick in my arm and sluggishness roll through my body, I’m brought back to the day I wish I’d died instead.
