I fumble with my phone before glancing at it. We’ve been here for at least fifteen minutes. It usually takes half an hour for Lucus to finish up before I drop him back off at the house. Normally, I love spending time with my brother.
Now, however?
I’m an anxious mess.
I swivel around and glance at the entrance. No one has come in or out the entire time we’ve been here. If my luck holds, it’ll stay that way. Plus, it’s doubtful Brayden was actually planning on making an appearance. This place is totally out of his way. And it’s not like we left on the best of terms the other day. I inhale a deep breath in an effort to keep my emotions under control and not hyperventilate.
My brother points to my cone. “Your ice cream is dripping.”
I grimace, no longer wanting the melty mess in my hand. Any craving I’d had for a frozen treat has vanished. All I can focus on is getting out of here before—
“Hey, Lucus. Sorry I’m late. I got held up at practice.” Brayden smiles as he slides into the booth next to me. His dark gaze flits to mine. It’s just as friendly as when he was talking to my brother. “Hi.”
It takes effort to paste the smile on my face as I carefully inch away from his body. The more physical distance I can place between us, the better off I’ll be. I need to keep my wits about me, and that’s difficult to do when the scent of his aftershave assaults my senses.
“We’re almost done with our ice cream,” Lucus says by way of greeting.
“Yeah, I can see that.” His lips quirk at the corners. “You seem to be enjoying yours.”
“Are you going to order a cone?”
“Nah.” Brayden shakes his head. “Maybe next time.”
Next time?
I swallow down the nerves steadily rising in my throat. Any moment, I’m going to vomit them all over the table. There is no way in hell this can become a weekly occurrence. It’s already difficult enough to steel myself against him on campus. I can’t take much more. I’m precariously close to breaking. Only now do I realize that I’ll have to explain to Lucus that Brayden and I are no longer together and that we’re not really friends. He can’t just invite him to tag along on our outings.
My heart plummets. The smile now curving Lucus’ lips already tells me that the news won’t go over well.
“What kind of ice cream did you get?” Brayden asks. “It looks pretty good.”
“Triple chocolate fudge brownie.” A bit of happiness dims in his eyes as he adds, “It was my brother’s favorite.”
Everything in me freezes as the air gets clogged in my chest. I need to put an end to this disastrous conversation before it can careen any further out of control. Brayden’s expression softens as he nods in understanding. Without further explanation, he realizes that Lucus isn’t talking about Court or Ryan. He’s referring to Peter.
My lungs burn as I force the words from my mouth in a rush. “You should probably finish up so we can get moving, Lucus. I need to drop you off at home. I’ve got a lot of work to finish up for tomorrow.”
My brother frowns and rears back just a bit. One thing we never do on ice cream night is rush. We take our sweet damn time and enjoy our dessert while catching up. “You never want to talk about Peter.”
His comment catches me by surprise and makes me feel like I’ve been sucker punched in the gut. It’s a challenge not to double over with the pain that ricochets through my body.
“I—”
I’m at a complete loss for words. My mouth opens and closes like a fish out of water, gasping for its last dying breath. I probably look ridiculous. “Finish up so we can go,” I finally whisper in a strangled voice. It feels like I’m watching a car crash in slow motion, and there’s nothing I can do to prevent it from occurring.
Lucus scowls as his expression turns obstinate. “No.”
Brayden’s cautious gaze bounces between us as if he’s attempting to puzzle out the sudden change in my behavior before shifting his attention to Lucus. “Hey,” he says softly, “it’s all right if you want to talk about your brother. I know what it’s like to lose someone you love.” He reaches out and tentatively lays his hand over my clenched fingers. “Even though it can be painful to talk about the people who are no longer with us, it can also help make them feel like they’re not so far away. For a long time, it felt like there was a giant hole in my heart when I thought about my dad.”
Oh, god. Please tell me this isn’t happening.
Lucus stares at his ice cream as chocolate slowly crawls down the waffle cone and onto his fingers. “I miss him a lot. He was my best friend.”
Hot tears prick the back of my eyes. My heart pounds so harshly that it becomes almost unbearable. Any moment, it’ll explode from my chest.
“He made a mistake.” Lucus’ expression becomes pinched. “A terrible mistake. That’s what Mom says.”
“Lucus,” I croak, only wanting him to stop.
Confusion flickers across his features as he glances at me from across the table. “That’s what Mom says, Sydney.”
My brother realizes that what Peter did was wrong because it’s been a constant refrain, but he doesn’t understand that the brother he loved killed someone else because of a poor decision on his part. It breaks my heart, because Peter really was Lucus’ best friend. He was two years older than him and was the epitome of a protective older brother. It was always the two of us who flanked Lucus. As much as I miss my brother, he misses him more. Peter’s disappearance left a void in his life that is impossible to fill.
“I know,” I whisper.
Brayden’s bewildered gaze continues to bounce between us.
“He shouldn’t have been driving.” He parrots my mother’s words.
I blink away the tears that have filled my eyes. For the first time since we instituted our Tuesday night tradition, neither of us finishes our ice cream. Both cones have turned into a runny mess.
“Wait a minute...Peter died in a car accident?” Brayden asks. His voice sounds as if it’s traveling over a long distance.
I force myself to remain calm, even though I feel like I might throw up all over the place. “Yes.”
“When?” Tension fills every line of his face. I can almost see the wheels in his head turning.
He’ll figure it out.
That is, if he hasn’t already.
Dread explodes inside me as I force out the response. “Four years ago.”
His eyes widen as he sucks in a sharp breath before slowly forcing it out again. “Your brother is Peter Daniels.”
It’s not a question. More of a statement.
I jerk my head into a nod.
Emotion crashes over his features. Shock. Anger. Hurt. Heartbreak. And then it dawns on him. All of the questions that have been swimming around in his head for the past week. “When did you figure it out?”
I press my lips into a tight line, not wanting to give him an answer. Although, my acknowledgment isn’t necessary. I can almost see him mentally tripping back in time to when everything changed between us.
“The cabin,” he whispers. “That’s when you started acting so distant. At the time, I couldn’t figure out what was going on,” he murmurs, eyes unfocused as if he’s become sucked into the past. “I’ve been kicking myself for coming on too strong and frightening you away.” Hot color rushes to his cheeks and his eyes turn steely. “Instead of telling me the truth, you let me believe that.”
Tears pool in my eyes as I reach for him. The need to explain myself bubbles up inside me like a geyser. As soon as my fingers make contact with his flesh, he flinches, shoving away from the booth before stumbling back a few steps. He can’t get away from me fast enough. This is exactly what I knew would happen if Brayden ever discovered the truth.
“Don’t touch me,” he growls.
I raise shaking fingers to my mouth to stifle the cry of anguish fighting to break free. “I’m so sorry.”
He shoves his hand through his short hair. “I don’t want t
o hear your excuses. You could have told me the truth at any time. Instead, you chose to lie.” A rough chuckle slips free from his lips. “And here I’d been so intent on winning you back.” He shakes his head. “I’m such a dumbass.”
Before I can apologize again, Brayden swings around and slams out the door of the shop before disappearing down the street. Paralyzed, I can only stare as the sharp jaws of grief swallow me alive.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Sydney
“Hey, Syd?”
It takes effort to blink out of my thoughts and refocus my attention on Demi as we hustle across campus for our one o’clock classes. “Yeah?”
She raises her brows as if waiting for an answer. When she doesn’t get anything more than a vague look, her voice softens. “Did you hear anything I’ve said?”
I rack my brain, dredging it for the previous threads of our conversation. It comes up blank. My teeth scrape across my lower lip in embarrassment as I slowly shake my head. “Sorry. What did I miss?”
Instead of becoming frustrated with my distracted behavior, my bestie wraps her arm around my shoulders and tugs me close. “We’re planning to check out that new action movie on Saturday. Do you want to come with us? Maybe grab something to eat afterward?”
“No, I’m not really interested, but thanks for asking.”
She cocks a brow. “You don’t even know what movie it is.”
Doesn’t matter. Third wheeling it with Demi and Rowan is the last thing on my to-do list. After what happened with Brayden, I feel awkward around her boyfriend. My guess is that he shared all the ugly deets with Rowan. Only now in retrospect do I realize how poorly I handled the situation. I should have been straight with him when I figured out the connection. No matter how I thought it would impact our relationship. I owed Brayden that much. Instead, I hid the truth and pushed him away.
Once I’d dropped Lucus off at the house and returned to the apartment, Demi had immediately sensed that something was wrong. Unable to hold back the truth, I spilled the ugly story. All of it. Afterward, I’d braced myself for the worst, preparing to see the accusation in her eyes. That never occurred. Instead, she pulled me into her arms and held me close. Her unwavering support had me breaking down and sobbing like a baby. I don’t think I’ve cried that hard since the accident. It was exhausting and yet, at the same time, cathartic.
“I’m not really in the mood,” I mumble.
“Sydney—”
“I’m fine,” I say, cutting her off. I can already tell by the tone of her voice which direction this conversation is moments away from swerving in, and I can’t do it. Not now. Probably not for a while. Maybe not ever. All I want is to move on so that life can once again return to normal. Whatever the hell that looks like.
“Are you really?” she asks quietly, probing me further.
I draw in a breath before forcing it out. “I’m trying to be.” That, at the very least, is the unvarnished truth.
She squeezes me again. It’s like she’s trying to absorb some of my pain, and I love her for it. “I wish there was something I could do to help you.”
“I don’t need help.” I just need to be left alone. I need people to stop bringing up Brayden. Every time someone mentions his name, it’s like jamming a knife into a fresh wound. It stings like a motherfucker.
Demi glances at me. “It breaks my heart to see you hurting like this.”
As much as I appreciate her offer of assistance, there’s nothing that will take this pain away. I need to work through these lingering emotions on my own, and hopefully, with enough time and distance, I’ll forget all about Brayden and the way he made me feel.
What other choice is there?
I either suck it up and carry on or fall apart. The last thing I want to do is come undone. Although, I would be lying through my teeth if I didn’t admit that every day is a struggle.
“Hey,” Demi says, unexpectedly steering us toward a fork in the path, “we’ve got a little extra time. Let’s go this way. Maybe we can stop and grab a coffee before class.”
Coffee?
Now?
“Huh?” I frown, not understanding why we’re suddenly veering to the left. “We never go this way. It takes almost twice as long, and we’ll have to cut across the quad.”
It’s only when she jerks her shoulders that I notice the nervous energy wafting off her in heavy waves. When her gaze flickers to the right, mine automatically follows the movement. That’s all it takes for my feet to stutter to a halt as I catch sight of Brayden. He’s standing around, talking with a couple of teammates. If there had been an easy-going smile wreathing his face, it’s long gone. The intensity that fills his gaze as it locks on mine is enough to knock the air from my lungs. It’s as if all of the oxygen has evaporated from the atmosphere and I can no longer breathe.
It’s excruciating.
My lungs sting and my heart aches. As much as I want to bridge the distance that separates us, there’s no way to do it. The yawning chasm is so much more than physical. At this moment, it feels insurmountable.
“Syd?” Demi squeezes my fingers, reclaiming my attention.
“Yeah.” It’s a relief to jerk my eyes from his direction.
As I do, oxygen once again rushes in to fill my lungs. It still hurts, but it’s so much better than not being able to breathe. This is always how it feels when I catch sight of his dark head. The class we have together is torture. Most days, I slink in late and sit as far from him as possible. The moment Millhouse dismisses us, I shoot out of the room, escaping as swiftly as possible. It sucks. I need this semester to be over with. It’ll be so much easier when Brayden and I don’t come into contact with each other three times a week.
“Maybe you should try talking with him again.” When I remain silent, she adds, “It can’t hurt, right?”
Is she kidding?
Of course it can!
I shake my head. “No.” Just remembering the shock and anger that had filled his eyes when he’d puzzled all of the pieces together makes me sick to my stomach. “Nothing I say will alter the past.” I force out the rest through lips that are numb. “And it will never change what my family stole from his.”
As painful as it is to acknowledge that sentiment out loud, it’s the indisputable truth. I can’t bring his father back. In this instance, an apology is woefully inadequate and won’t make it better. The best thing I can do for Brayden is to stay out of his way until graduation. My presence is a constant reminder of what he lost.
“Oh, Syd,” she whispers, voice filling with heavy emotion.
I blink away the moisture that pricks the backs of my eyes. “Let’s just go the long way, all right?”
“Yeah.”
As much as I want to take one last look over my shoulder, I can’t summon the courage to do it.
And honestly, it’s best for both of us if I don’t.
Chapter Forty
Brayden
My gaze stays focused on Sydney until she disappears into the crowd of students marching across campus like ants. There’s a part of me that wants to take off after her and make this right. Instead, my feet stay firmly planted to the earth. Staring at her for any length of time is gut-wrenching. It makes me feel as if my chest is being constricted. Like there’s a thousand-pound weight sitting on it, slowly squeezing the life out of me.
Catching sight of her unexpectedly on campus is always like a punch to the gut. It’s one thing when I can mentally prepare myself to see her in class and another to turn a corner and find her standing in front of me. When the latter happens, the urge to grab hold of her and never let go crashes over me. A couple times, I actually took a step in her direction before coming to my senses and grinding to a halt.
The broken look in her eyes all but kills me. I understand why it’s there, and I also realize I’m the only one who can dull the pain of our shared trauma. I just can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t tell her that everything will be all right. There are too man
y volatile emotions churning inside me. Ever since I figured out the truth, I’ve asked myself a million times how I didn’t realize it sooner.
Peter Daniels.
The twenty-one-year-old kid who struck my father in a head-on collision. One poor decision is all it took to wipe him clean off the face of this Earth. The thought is like falling to the ground and getting the wind knocked from my lungs. That first moment you lie there, feeling paralyzed. Tears sting your eyes as you attempt to suck in breath. For a second or two, you wonder if you’ll ever draw air into your lungs again. It’s a helpless and painful sensation.
That’s exactly how this feels.
All of our lives would all be different if Peter hadn’t been drinking that night. If he hadn’t decided to climb behind the wheel of his car, I would still have my father. And Sydney would have her brother.
My mind tumbles back to that fateful Sunday morning when we’d met up at the diner and realized that we’d both lost people who were close to us. Maybe I should have dug deeper at that point. At the very least, our conversation should have set off warning bells inside my head. If I had realized the connection sooner, none of this would have happened. I sure as shit wouldn’t have gotten involved with her. I would have forced myself to steer clear. It would have been painful, but nowhere near this level. There’s no damn way I would have fallen in love.
Because yeah, I still love her. I wish there were a way to rip these feelings from my chest, but there isn’t. All I can hope is that with enough time, they’ll lessen until finally dissipating.
After a couple of minutes, the group I’m standing with splinters apart. Most of these guys have to hustle to class. I take off for the library to squeeze in a little studying before my two o’clock. It doesn’t make sense to go home for twenty minutes before heading right back again. The plan was to cram for an upcoming test, but after seeing Sydney, there’s no way I’ll be able to focus.
I drag a hand through my hair as I cut across campus. It’s about a five-minute walk to the sprawling, three-story brick building. If I’d been holding out hope that it would be enough time to clear my head of her, that doesn’t occur. She’s still at the forefront of my mind. I’ve yet to figure out a way to permanently evict her from my brain.
Campus Heartthrob (The Campus Series Book 2) Page 26
