Regretting Gabriel

by Brooks, Anna

  It’s not until he’s out the door and I hear Gia’s slamming shut next door that I acknowledge him since he rendered me temporarily speechless. “Good night, Gabriel.”

  Gabriel

  I lean against the far wall in the library because looking at her playing guitar and singing to a bunch of little kids disorientates me. She’s good, too. Really good. Like, if I didn’t know it was her, I’d think she was professional good. When I was at her apartment, I didn’t see an instrument or any signs that she played.

  Her face lights up, and she sways as she sings, her rhythm never shaky, which is a natural grace you’re born with that can’t be taught. Just like the beauty she possesses, her musical abilities are natural.

  Cady is pretty, but watching her with no inhibitions is fucking beautiful. When she decides to drop her guard and let go of the fear and façade that she’s happy, she’s stunning.

  And I want nothing more in my freaking life than to see her looking at me while I’m moving inside her. I know she’s inexperienced, but I love it. I loved that she was writhing and wanting more just from me getting close to her pussy last night as I rubbed her legs. She’s so shy, and because of those reasons, I’m trying to take it really slowly. I want her to get to know me and be comfortable, but I don’t know how much longer I can take it without having her. I almost lost it last night, her smooth skin beneath my fingers, coming precariously close to the heart of her where all I wanted to do was sink inside.

  If I hadn’t left, I don’t know if I could have stopped. As much as I want her pussy wrapped around my cock, I need to give her time because she’s clearly not ready. When her entire body trembled from me simply touching her legs, it was all I needed to hear without her saying a word.

  Speaking of her legs, my eyes travel up and down those killer stems as I listen to her sing.

  Yet there’s something behind her pretty eyes and the way she holds her shoulders stiff. How she jumps with every noise. And how she hates the dark and always wants the lights on. She’s holding out, hiding something.

  Seeing her around these kids, singing and strumming, is the first time I’ve ever seen even a glimpse of the real her, and it makes me realize just how goddamned closed off she really is. So much that she’s not even living. I’ve seen what I thought was a smile and what I guessed was shy, but I was wrong. All that was a façade.

  Every moment we’ve spent together is fake. The girl in front of me right now is the real her, and I get it finally; I don’t know shit about her. But I want to. I will.

  I’m going to.

  By the time I’m finished with her, I’ll know exactly what’s keeping that fortress around her. And then I’ll tear the fucker apart. Because I want the girl whose smile lights up the room, whose touch brings me to my knees, whose voice is a symphony and her laughter a crescendo that heals my broken soul. I want the sweet, shy librarian who I just know will rock my fuckin’ world once she lets me inside hers.

  But she’s not going to do that, not willingly.

  So I’ll have to do it myself. I quietly step backward until I’m no longer in her sights and sigh in relief that Meara didn’t spot me since she was there with Melody.

  I figured Cady needed a little space after last night because when I went to her apartment, she was already gone. I didn’t plan to stop at the library, but something told me to go, mainly because I missed her after waking up in the morning without her and escorting her to the library. And I’m glad for it. Because I got to witness sheer beauty.

  “She’s good, isn’t she?”

  I turn my head and look down at an elderly woman in a wheelchair with gray hair and lips that are smeared with red lipstick in what I’d imagine are the best of her abilities at her age.

  “She is,” I agree with her.

  “Are you single?”

  I snort at the question, and the man who’s pushing her wheelchair shakes his head. “Rosie, you can’t go around asking people that. I’m sorry.” He looks over at me. “She thinks because she’s old she has carte blanche to say whatever she feels.”

  “I’ve earned it, child, now shush.” She waves him off with a frail hand and then tilts her head up to look at me again. “Are you?”

  “I was up until recently.”

  “Oh, that’s a bummer. Are you sure this one is the one?”

  I cross my arms and raise a brow. Is Cady the one? Yes. “I hope so.”

  “Well, if you ever change your mind, my Cady is single, and she could use a big strong man like you in her life.”

  Ahh… this is the old librarian who Cady told me about. I don’t want Cady to know I was here watching her, so I don’t introduce myself, but I have a feeling I’ll be seeing more of Rosie since she means something to Cady.

  “Hey, what am I?” the guy jokes. He’s not muscular, but he’s not skinny, either. Kind of between but compared to me, he looks like a shrimp.

  “You’re scared of spiders, Sebastian. How can you protect Cady if you can’t even kill a spider for cryin’ out loud?”

  I chuckle at Sebastian as he glares at her. “I’m not afraid of spiders.” He rolls his shoulders “I’m not. When one crawls down from the ceiling and lands in my lap, that tends to scare a guy.”

  “Hey.” I hold up my hands. “I’m not saying a word.”

  The kids all clap and cheer in their high-pitched voices, and the three of us look over to where everyone is gathered around. I actually see Melody bouncing in her seat full of excitement.

  “I’m going to take off, but it was nice meeting you, Rosie.” I take her hand and then lift my chin at Sebastian. “You too, man.”

  “Yeah.” He looks confused but nods at me as I wander away.

  Once I get outside and into my Tahoe, my phone goes off, as if whoever is calling knew I just got into my vehicle. I take it out of my pocket to see a call coming in from Mike. “Hey.”

  “Hey. You busy right now?”

  “Not really.”

  “Can you come to the studio? We’re all here.”

  I pull back my phone to check the time to make sure I’ll be back for Cady. “Yeah, I’m on my way.”

  “Sweet. See ya.”

  We hang up, and I toss my cell into the driver’s seat, then head down to Liam’s to meet the rest of the guys. When Lee left the band a few years ago, it sucked ass. No other way to put it.

  But things got better once we got Kolby, then all the shit happened with him, and now we’re screwed. I don’t even want to think about what’s gonna happen with the band, but it’s my livelihood. It’s what I do, what I love, so I have to face it.

  Performing is what keeps me sane. I get to take my mind off the shit I grew up with that still cuts deep and get lost in the music, the rhythm, the noise. And if I lose that, I’ll lose myself. And if I lose myself, I’m terrified I’ll turn into my father.

  I get inside and find Lee waiting for me. “What’s up, bro?” He holds his hand out, and I take it while we give each other a pat on the back, and then I wait for him to lock the door before following him down the hall.

  “Not much.” I omit anything to do with Cady because they don’t need to know about her yet, when I’m still unsure exactly where we stand. But I intend to fix that tonight. I need to be able to call her mine.

  “Family meeting?” I joke, sitting down on one of the couches in the booth.

  Mike laughs. “Wanted to touch base with everyone about the lineup for the benefit, and we should get a quick rehearsal in. Even though we know you’re good, Lee, it’d still be smart to play together before we do it live.”

  “For sure. It’s the holidays, so nobody’s going to be here the next couple of weeks. You guys are welcome here even if you’re not recording, you know that.”

  “If everyone’s got the time, let’s run through the set real quick, and that’ll probably be it.”

  We always store our instruments here at the studio when we’re home, so everything is already ready. As a group, we all trek over
to the enclosed room and take our positions. Jamie and I tune our guitars, and Lee spins his sticks on his fingers. “When we’re done, I have something to run by you guys,” he says.

  Sharing a glance, Mike and I try not to smile, hoping we know what he’s going to say, before turning back to look at Lee.

  “Just something I’ve been thinking about. Not a big deal.” He shrugs, but I know what it means. And so does Mike. Liam’s gonna be back.

  Fuck. Yes.

  Lee taps his sticks, and we pick up where we left off years ago, and I get lost in the time because I’m so fuckin’ stoked that we’ve got Lee back. I jam too long with the guys because when I finally look at the clock, I realize it’s almost six. “Shit. I’ve gotta go.”

  I don’t give them a reason when they ask where I’m going, and I speed all the way to the library only to find the doors already locked. “What the fuck?” I rush back to my Tahoe and grab my phone to call her when I realize I never showed her how to use the cell I got her, so it’s probably not even on. And when I call and it rings once then beeps, I know I’m right. “Shit.” I hate not knowing where she is. It scares the shit out of me, actually. Did something happen to her? Is she hurt? Lost? Where did she go? Assuming she’s home, that’s where I head.

  After jogging up the steps, I bang on her door, resting my left arm on the top of the jamb. My right hand is in the air, ready to knock again, when the door flies open. “What are you doing here?” She acts surprised, and I don’t know why. Does she not understand what’s happening between us?

  “Did you forget something?”

  I swear every single time I see her, she gets prettier. She swallows, trying to hide… what? I don’t know. “I don’t think so?”

  “Did you forget I was going to walk you home? Just like you forgot I was going to walk you to work this morning.” It should make me mad, but I actually like this little game we got goin’ on. The more she runs, the more I want to chase her. The more time I spend with her, the more I like her.

  And I like her a lot.

  Probably too much, but I don’t give a shit. I may have made many mistakes in my life, but one thing I’ve learned is not to let an opportunity go to waste. And meeting her during this time I have off is not a coincidence. So I’m going to see this through.

  After giving her time to get used to me and trying to make her more comfortable, I’m done waiting.

  Even with her hair in a bun on the top of her head and a baggy sweatshirt and cotton shorts, she’s still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. “No. I got to close early today, and I didn’t know how to get a hold of you since you didn’t show me how to use the phone, so I just left.”

  “You can stop trying to push me away, sugar. I ain’t goin’ anywhere anytime soon because if I haven’t made it obvious enough, I’ll say the words for you; I like you. And I don’t know why you’re not letting me in, but I want to find out because I want to know everything about you. And even if you don’t want to admit it out loud, you like me, too.”

  She crosses her arms and pushes her hip out, her sleek throat stretching the smooth skin on her neck when she swallows. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “You don’t know that you like me?” My words are teasing, but I can’t imagine laughing right now. “Remember the first night I met you, and you were all quiet and cute watchin’ Christmas movies? You curled up to me in your sleep?”

  “I was unconscious.”

  “You wouldn’t cuddle up to someone you didn’t like.” She opens her mouth to answer but whatever she’s going to say is bullshit. “And who chokes down inedible food for someone unless they like them? And when I walk you to work and hold your hand, you let me. And every time you see me, it’s fuckin’ cute as hell how your cheeks get pink. Almost as cute as when you sit there and fuckin’ sing and play guitar better than—”

  It’s not just her face that turns white as a ghost but her entire body does too. Her knuckles propped on her hip were already white, but she gets so damn pale that the rest of her arms match. What the fuck? “How do you know about that?” Her voice is scratchy, and she reaches out blindly behind her.

  I step inside her place for fear she’s going to pass out. She shuffles backward. I close the door and follow. Her teeth sink into her lower lip, and her eyes widen as the color comes back to her cheeks. She jumps a little when her legs hit the arm of her couch. “You need to leave.” Her voice trembles, and when I get toe to toe with her and bring my hand up to cup the side of her face, she flinches. “Please, Gabriel. Just leave.” At her saying my name that way, I flinch, too.

  “I’m not going anywhere.” She blinks slowly as one tear, then two slide down her face. “Talk to me, Cady.”

  “But you are. Soon, right? Gia said you were only home for a couple of weeks.”

  I close my eyes and then bring them back up. The thought of leaving her makes me angry almost. “I don’t know exactly when I’m leaving. It’ll be longer than a couple of weeks, more like a couple of months, but I do know I’ll be coming back for you.”

  “What do you want from me?”

  “I want you to tell me who hurt you.” I surprise her, and her reaction is all the proof I need that my suspicion was right.

  Her mouth falls open. “What… what are you talking about? Nobody hurt me.”

  “Yeah, they did.”

  “No.”

  “Yes.”

  “Why do you think you know that?”

  I shrug. “Because I recognize the pain you’re trying to hide. No matter how beautiful your eyes are, I see what’s behind them.”

  “What do you think you see?”

  “Everything you’re trying to keep locked away. But don’t worry, Cady, I’ll give you as much time as you need. It’s yours, just like I am. Whatever you need. Whenever. I’m here. You hear me? I want you to know that, sugar. I need you to know that I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. I’m through giving you time to get used to me. And I want more from you, but I can be patient as long as we’re both on the same page as to where this is going.”

  She licks her lips. “Where is this going?”

  “I don’t know. I can’t tell the future, but what I can tell you is wherever it’s going, I want us to be together while we figure it out.”

  Cady

  I haven’t had that reassurance in years. The feeling that someone actually cares about me and wants to be there for me. I don’t know how to react. I don’t know what I should be feeling even though my heart is telling me to let him in. I want to tell him that I’ve had a crush on him for years. That I’ve been in love with the idea of him since the first time I saw him, and that when I saw him in person, it hadn’t changed.

  I want to tell him that being with him is a dream come true for me, and I haven’t ever had one of my dreams come true and thought I was going to live the rest of my life being lost inside my own head.

  My mind is telling me it’s a bad idea, but I’ve always listened to my mind. My brain never got me kissed. My stupid conscience never let me have even a single date. My morals never gave me an orgasm.

  He slowly raises his other hand and cups my face. “I don’t like to see you crying.”

  I didn’t even know I was. “Gabriel, I…”

  “You what?”

  “I still don’t know what you want from me.” I tell him the truth because I don’t. But I know what I want from him.

  He rubs his thumbs beneath my eyes and over the apples of my cheeks. “I want everything, but I’ll settle for whatever you’re willing to give me.”

  I don’t even know what that means. But I know this. I have to tell him the truth. I think that’s what a lot of my fear with him is about, because once he knows who I am and who my father is, it might change how he feels about me. So I’ll test the waters. “I know who you are,” I confess on a whisper.

  His hands fall, and he tucks them into his pocket. Something flashes through his eyes, and his shoulders te
nse. “Yeah?” he bites.

  “Yes.”

  “What do you think you know? Who do you think I am?”

  I have to lick my lips and swallow before I can answer him, and still, I don’t tell the whole truth. “I just know that you’re in a band, Gabriel.”

  “How long?”

  “How long what?”

  “How long have you known?”

  “I mean, I knew who you were for a long time. Most people who live here know. It’s not like it’s a secret, is it?”

  He runs his tongue along his teeth. “And Gianna doesn’t know that you know?”

  “No, she never mentioned it, and I figured there was a reason, so I never said anything. It’s not a big deal, it’s just—”

  “What else do you think you know?”

  If I told him all of it, I know that whatever is happening would end, because he’s pissed right now. I can’t imagine how mad he’ll be when he finds out the rest. So yeah… I dipped my feet in the water, but they’re coming right back out. “That’s it, really. I mean, like I said, you guys are from here, so it’s not like it’s a surprise, is it?”

  He doesn’t answer, and the heaviness rolling off him fills the room, putting pressure on my chest as I try to breathe. I don’t want him upset with me.

  “Why didn’t you tell me you knew?” he finally asks.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “A couple of reasons. One is because of my sister.”

  “What about her?”

  He sighs and comes back to me, and the moment he takes my hand in his, I can fully breathe. “She’s lost friends because of me. It’s hard for her to trust because of that, and I didn’t want you to change your friendship with her because of me.”

  “I wouldn’t ever do that.”

  “I didn’t think so, but now I know so, and it makes me even crazier about you. You know that I am, right? Crazy about you.” I press my lips together, the reality still seeming unbelievable, but he doesn’t like that apparently. “Tell me you know,” he growls.

  It doesn’t make sense why he’d want me. “I’m trying to understand.”