Regretting Gabriel

by Brooks, Anna

  I’ve lived with that for ten years, and I’ll live with it for the rest of my life. So if you want to know why I didn’t tell you, it’s because I was afraid of your reaction. I was afraid that you, like everyone else in my life back then, would look at me with disgust. Would wonder why it was him and not me.

  I heard the murmurs at his funeral. I hid in the corner, but I heard it all. Yes, Chris was the biggest reason I left, but it was also because I needed to leave that house, the state, hell, I should have left the country. I needed to get away from the memories and from the hatred I received from everyone who knew my dad.

  I know you looked up to him. And I know how much you admired him, and when you found out it was my fault he was no longer here… I was scared of what you’d think of me.

  Something else you should know is I saw you one night at my house. That night when you came over and the two of you played. I peeked in the room and saw you. I thought you were hot. But when I heard your voice, just a couple of words, I’m pretty sure I fell in love with you then. When you left, I ran to the window and watched you walk out to the cab, and my dad must have guessed I’d be watching because he turned around and shook his head at me.

  When he came in the house, he said, “These boys, Cady Bear, they’re all about a good time. And you’re not that. You’re a forever kind of girl. Don’t forget that and never let anyone treat you like less than. But if you ever want to date a rock star, find one like him. He’s the real deal.” He was talking about you. He liked you so much. He was full of all kinds of wisdom, and he was right back then.

  I moved here because of you.

  And I know that sounds creepy, but it’s the truth. I think I was looking for something familiar. And even though I never even met you, I prayed like hell that I’d see you again. Just a glimpse. Something to remind me of a good time in my fucked-up, shitty life. And for years, it didn’t happen. I thought it was my dad, keeping us apart from heaven because he was protecting me. He didn’t want me to be destroyed when you wanted nothing to do with me.

  But I knew, despite how much I fantasized about being with you, I knew you were out of my league.

  So can you imagine what it was like for me when you walked into Gia’s apartment? Not just seeing you, but having you care? It was unfathomable. I wouldn’t let myself believe it was true, that you were true. Because that’s what you are. You’re my dream come true. You’re a hero because you saved me, too.

  I’ll never forget that. I’ll also never forgive myself that you’re in there because of me. You saved my life, and the last thing I want to do is ruin yours.

  I know you don’t want to have anything to do with me anymore, but I want you to know that I’m sorry for lying. I’m sorry for keeping the truth from you for so long. I’m sorry I killed your idol. I’m just sorry.

  So this is it. This is my goodbye to you. I don’t deserve for you to forgive me, but I hope that someday you can.

  Be happy, Gabriel. You deserve it.

  Love,

  Cady

  “Goddammit.” I curse and scrunch her bullshit letter in my hands and throw it across my cell. If I wasn’t fucking locked up, I’d go to her place and tell her how goddamned irrational she’s being.

  She killed my idol… is she insane?

  Because I’m a moron, I never thought that would be the reason she thought I couldn’t be with her. God… it has nothing to do with who her dad is or her keeping it from me. Doesn’t she know that? She obviously doesn’t, but how can she not? How can she even waste another second of her time on me?

  I grab my notebook and pencil and sit on my bed, bending my legs and using my knees as a desk. After I finish, I put it under my pillow and then try to sleep, but I can’t get her out of my head enough to even doze off. Until the next day after I choke down some cardboard that I think is supposed to be bread over a piece of plastic that I think is supposed to be meat for lunch.

  “Hunter.” A terrible rattling on my cell door wakes me up. “Up. Visitor.”

  Ugh. Dammit, Gianna. “I’m up.” I go to the corner to take a leak really quick, then rinse off my hands. “Ready.”

  “Let’s go.”

  When I see my father sitting on the other side of that glass, I can feel my temperature rising. It starts at my toes and slithers all the way up to the tips of my ears. Fucking asshole. I sit down and stare at him as I take the phone off the wall and wait for him to put his to his ear.

  “The only reason I’m even talking to you is so I don’t play my fucking hand here. These fuckers don’t need to know I got Daddy issues, so I’m going to sit here for an average length of time and you’re going to talk to me about sunshine and rainbows with a goddamned smile on your face. Understand?” I chuckle. “You of all people know what it’s like in here, and I refuse to let them know a fuckin’ thing about me.”

  “Let me be clear, son, I hate that you’re in here, but I love that you’re forced to listen to me since you never have given me the opportunity before.”

  I laugh dryly. “Lucky you.”

  “I never thanked you.”

  “For what?”

  “For calling the police. For getting me arrested. For forcing me to get the help I needed.”

  I lean forward. “I was twelve.”

  “I know.”

  “If I hadn’t called, she would have died from all of the internal bleeding you caused when you fucking kicked her. Repeatedly.”

  His face is ashen. “I know.”

  “How the fuck you expect me to ever look at you with anything other than hatred is beyond me. But what’s worse is how she can look at you.”

  “I thank the Lord for her forgiveness every day. But with all due respect, son, that’s not why I’m here.”

  “Enlighten me, oh, father of mine.”

  He switches sides of the receiver and points at me. “You are not me.” I open my mouth, but he shakes his head sharply. “You are not me. But I am still your father, and despite your denial, I do know you. And I know the reasons you’ve been so promiscuous are bec—”

  “The reason I fucked so many women, Dad, is because I’m in one of the most popular bands of our lifetime. Chicks throw pussy at me, so of course I’m gonna take it. You’ve got not one thing to do with that.”

  “You didn’t want to hurt them.”

  I can’t hide the façade and drop my head, resting the receiver on the ledge for a second. How the fuck did he know that? When I put the phone back to my ear, I listen to him talk. For the first time since I was a pre-teen, I actually listen to what he has to say.

  “My father beat my mother on a daily basis. He also did the same to me.” Not that it makes anything better, but my dad only put his fists to me one time, and that was the night my mom almost died. “He also did the same to my sister.”

  I raise a brow. “You have a sister?”

  “Had.” He swallows thickly. “She killed herself when she was fourteen. I found her body. She didn’t leave a note, but she didn’t have to. I knew why she did it; I barely survived the wrath of my father, and I was his height by the time I was eleven. My mom knew why, and he knew why, too. And you’d think that maybe things would have changed after that, but it didn’t. It got worse until I was old enough to move out on my own. My mother stayed until the day she died at forty-seven years old from a heart attack. And I… I honestly don’t know where it went wrong, son. I swore I’d never treat my family as my father did, and I didn’t at first.

  “The first time I struck your mother, I cried. And I told her everything. What I just told you, that was such a short part of the story. I’d like to explain more someday if you’d like to hear it. And it’s not right; it’s not okay what I did to my family.” He shakes his head, and I watch as my father cries the first tear I’ve ever seen fall from his eye. “I thought I was doing good because I wasn’t hitting my kids, that it was a step in the right direction, but that night… after I was arrested, the court appointed me to mandatory counselin
g, and through that, I learned I never processed what I went through as a child.”

  I wheeze. “So am I supposed to just forgive you because you got help after what you put us through? After we lived on pins and needles for years with you. Now that I know you had it worse than me, am I also supposed to believe you walked out from behind bars a new man and just forget about the one you used to be who tormented my mom and sister?”

  He shakes his head. “No. I don’t expect anything from you. I really just want you to know. I understand that my explanation is not good enough. Nothing would ever be an excuse to the abhorrent behavior I displayed before that night. I want you to know, though, that I did get help. I have a therapist I still see every other week. I pray every night. I beg for forgiveness. But most of all, I wished for my son to take the time to listen to me, and I just got that. I am fully aware there’s a lot more to this story, and I want to tell you, just not now. I’ll leave you alone, but if you ever need me or want to talk more, you know where to find me.”

  Cady

  I’ve tried to get into a routine for the past month, but I’ve been a mess. I’ve overslept and missed work, I’ve forgotten to get Rosie her groceries, and I stayed in bed for three days straight when I got my period because the cramps were so bad I felt like I couldn’t move. But the reality is the pain only lasted a half of a day, and the rest of the time was used as an excuse when really it was my heart that was broken.

  But I’m slowly getting better. Feeling more normal.

  I got Rosie’s groceries this morning, and the three of us ate lunch together, and she’s now napping. Sebastian is sitting at the kitchen table, and I have a bottle of water in my hands, my fingers flicking at the label as I wait for Sebastian’s reaction to finding out who my father is.

  It was time he knew because nothing that happened with Gabriel would make sense unless I told him. Up until now, he didn’t know the details of my past. And I’m regretting it immediately because currently his coffee cup is frozen midair as his eyes remain unblinking as they stare at me.

  “Say something,” I beg.

  “Wh… why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

  “I don’t know, I just didn’t.” I had my reasons but honestly don’t feel like getting into it again.

  He sets his cup down, the porcelain clattering with the saucer. “It makes sense now,” he says to himself, then leans back in his chair. “Damn, Cady. It all makes sense.”

  “Damn straight it does.” I startle when Rosie’s voice comes from the right, and I look over to find her scooting in with her walker.

  Sebastian jumps up from his seat and helps her sit down in a kitchen chair. Once she’s seated, I hold my breath, waiting for her to yell at me. I’ve never been on the receiving end of her wrath and am not looking forward to it.

  I look up at Sebastian, who’s standing behind her with his fingers resting lightly on her slumped shoulders.

  “If you let that boy get away from you, Cadence, it’ll be the biggest mistake you’ve ever made in your life.”

  “But—”

  “But nothing, child. He’s a man, men are stupid, and don’t try to argue with me, Sebastian. Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you’re not still a man.” She holds a bent finger up and points it at me, and I risk a glance at Sebastian to find his shoulders shaking in laughter as he looks down at his feet. “You’ve waited years for him, the least you can do is wait another few months until he gets out of the clink to give him another shot. Now, get me some coffee, I’m parched.”

  “I’ll get it.” Sebastian heads to the coffeemaker, and I stare at Rosie but don’t dare argue with her.

  “Thank you. Now, did you bring me any donuts, Cady?”

  Nodding, I reach up in the cupboard and grab the bag of powdered donut holes, then open it for her, and when Sebastian sets down her coffee, she asks about the weather, and just like that, things are back to normal.

  I stay for a little longer and then call a cab to take me home. And when I get there and see I have a letter in the mail from Gabriel, I sprint up my steps and tear the envelope open. I almost rip the paper in half I’m shaking so badly as I unfold it. Taking a deep breath, I put my eyes to his words and read.

  Cady—

  It’s not you. And man, I know that sounds so cliché, but it’s the truth—it’s not you, it’s me. It could never be you that fucked us up. You’re perfect. Everything about you is, and there’s so much about me that’s not. I’m fucked up. My past is shit, and it’s messed with me in ways that I hope you never have to understand, but I want you to all the same.

  I was pissed when I found out who your dad was. Totally pissed because you lied to me about it. But I would have gotten over it, I have gotten over it. The truth is, I was over it before I walked out the door that night, to be honest. But when I went to leave, I only was doing it with the intention of clearing my head. I didn’t plan on, I didn’t ever plan on leaving you for anything, Cady. You have to understand that. Everything I said to you was true. I felt all the things for you, and I was looking forward to spending the rest of my life with you.

  But that isn’t going to happen.

  There’s only one reason for that, and it’s not because you lied about who your dad is. I get it, I do. And I know I’ve been a dick, and you probably hate me for taking you off the visitor’s list, but you don’t belong here. You’re clean and beautiful and innocent and being in this place with all these fucking bastards is not where you should ever be. As much as I want to see you, I don’t want you here.

  I’m getting off track.

  I loved your dad. You’re right, he was my idol, and I cannot believe I didn’t figure out who he was to you the whole time we were together. You gave me enough subtle hints that I should have picked up on it, but I was so caught up in you that it didn’t even faze me to think about that. He referred to you as Cadence, and whenever I heard of Maverick’s daughter, it was the same, so it never registered. And it had been so long since I saw a picture of you or even heard anything about you that I kind of forgot, to be honest.

  I also didn’t think about the fact that me finding out was hard on you. That you have probably had to relive parts of your life that you didn’t want to, and I’m an even bigger asshole for not realizing that while I was there to comfort you when you told me. Instead, I acted like a douche and left you.

  I keep pushing you away because I did push you, Cady. I hurt you. I was angry and just wanted to leave, and when I went to get your hands off me… I hurt you. I did the one thing I swore to myself I would never do to a woman, let alone one I was in love with. That is why. That’s why I keep pushing, and that’s why I’ll never let you get close to me again, and that’s why we’ll never work. Not anymore.

  I cannot and will not risk me harming you in any way ever again.

  Because here’s the thing. My dad used to beat my mom. Years. Fucking years, Cady… my entire childhood, she was in constant fear, always with bruises. Years she put up with him. I listened to her cry. I watched through the crack in the bathroom door when she’d clean up the blood from her face. I shielded my sister from having to hear the fighting by playing my guitar for her.

  One night, I remember walking into the kitchen and thinking Mom was dead. Dad was sitting on his fucking recliner with a beer, and she was lying on the kitchen floor, not moving. She was so still, and I almost left her because I didn’t want to see my mom dead. I was almost too scared to check on her than I was to face the wrath of my father. But I knew if she was going to get help, I was going to have to be the one to do it. So I called 9-1-1. I knew there was nothing I could do for her, so I just sat at the kitchen table where he couldn’t see me and waited. I remember staring at her body and never once seeing her take a breath. Maybe it was because I was crying that I couldn’t see clearly, but the whole time, I really did think she was dead.

  And as soon as he heard the sirens, he must have figured it out because he turned in his chair and saw me, then he w
as up.

  I was twelve. He beat me pretty bad, but it was the best thing that could have happened, him strangling me as the cops walked in. They had the proof, and he got locked up for four years. And it was the best four years of my childhood. We were happy. My mom and my sister and me. I was the man of the house, and I took care of them. I protected them. I did what I had to do, and they were safe. My mom was finally safe. She was free of him.

  I’d never seen her smile so much, and I thought everything was going to be fine. I thought I’d finally have a good life.

  But then he got out, and my ma took him back.

  She didn’t have to, but she did. Forgave him. Let him back. After he beat her almost to death… and nearly killed me. She took his ass back. And the fucked-up thing is, I can’t forgive her for that. Even after all these years, I’m still pissed.

  She knows it, too. I love her, but I can’t forgive her. I was forced to live with him again, forced to look at him, to be in the same room as him, and I hated it. It hurt so fucking much, and I swear I’d rather have him hit me again than be forced to sit around and listen to his bullshit apologies and redemption speeches and begging for forgiveness.

  Music saved me. Your dad’s music saved me. I’d lock myself in my room and turn it up so loud I couldn’t hear anything but the music. It was so loud it drowned out my thoughts and fears and anger just enough to wish for some kind of hope.

  Reason to Ruin was my chance to get out. To get the fuck away from the memories and the reality of what I lived with. And when we met Maverick about six months after we were on the road, it was a dream come true.