Love Chaos

by Ute Jackle

“She was so tiny.” He used both hands to indicate how small she’d been. “I was really scared I’d break her or drop her. So, Erdie dragged me off to one of those baby care classes where they taught us everything we needed to know.”

  “You guys went to a baby care class?” I grinned broadly.

  “Yes, what else were we supposed to do? We’d promised Hanna. She had to drop out of school. And six months after Phyllis was born, they broke up, on top of everything else. They constantly butt heads and argue with each other, even in front of Phyllis.” He shook his head. “I’ve told Erdie many times not to do that in front of her. She always asks questions, like earlier about the IQ.”

  We went on. I remembered Hanna, the pretty woman I’d seen with Erdie that day Caro and I had gone frustration shopping. Once again, I’d been completely wrong.

  “I’m sure you’ll make a good dad one day.” I subtly rubbed my cold arms.

  “I don’t think I’ll ever have kids of my own,” Ben murmured, staring off into space. “Are you cold?” Without waiting for my answer, he took off his corduroy jacket and put it over my shoulders.

  “Thanks.” I slipped into the long sleeves, which were still warm from his body. It almost felt like Ben was hugging me. Happily, I snuggled into the jacket and inhaled his pleasant scent on the fabric, which penetrated my nose.

  “Where are you from originally?” I asked.

  “From Nuremberg.”

  “You haven’t gotten very far, have you?”

  He laughed softly. “No, not really. Actually, I was planning to move to a much cooler city, Berlin or something. But the computer science department at Erlangen University is among the best there is. I’d have been stupid not to take advantage of it. Anyway, the place has sort of grown on me.”

  “I always imagined computer science to be really boring,” I blurted out undiplomatically.

  “Hey.” He nudged me with his elbow. “I like it. Computer science follows a certain logic. When I’m coding, I know exactly what comes next. There are no surprises if you do it right. I find that very satisfying. What made you choose biology?”

  “I want to work in molecular biotechnology,” I explained and noticed his questioning glance. “I want to help heal genetic disorders, such as my own.”

  “That’s very laudable,” he sounded honest. “How were you actually diagnosed with celiac disease in the first place?”

  I wrapped his jacket up a bit tighter around me. That was a delicate question for me, and at first, I wasn’t quite sure if I was ready to tell him about it. On the other hand, our conversation was flowing so easily now, in fact, more easily than ever before. “My mom was diagnosed with end-stage colorectal cancer when I was six years old.”

  “I’m sorry about that,” he said softly.

  I smiled sadly. “Yes, it was a difficult time. During her treatment, they also diagnosed her with celiac disease. She’d had symptoms for years, but no doctor had managed to figure out the cause. Since it was left undetected for so long, the celiac disease had developed into cancer. Therefore, they also tested me. I had this big inflated belly, but skinny arms and legs. Also, I hadn’t grown for at least one year and always had stomach aches.”

  “Oh no, now I feel even worse for the pizza incident,” he groaned.

  “About the incident,” I corrected him.

  “You’re such a know-it-all,” he said. “But then what happened?”

  “My mother died shortly thereafter, but I got better quickly on a gluten-free diet. It also decreased my risk of cancer.” I shortened the story.

  “I’m really sorry about your mom.”

  “It was a long time ago. But it showed me how fast everything can be over. One day she was baking cookies in the kitchen, and shortly after that, we buried her.” I raised my head. The old wound in my heart that had never really healed gave me a painful stab. “I remember one thing she said to me, not long before she died.”

  “And what did she say?” He smiled pitifully.

  It felt oddly normal to walk through the darkened streets with him, talking about my dead mother. “She told me I needed to have at least one big dream in life and to try to make it come true. Do you have a dream?”

  Ben thought for a bit. “Not sure,” he finally said. “I never really thought about it. So, what is yours?”

  “To take the Trans-Siberian Railroad all the way to China.”

  “For real?” He looked at me sideways.

  “Yes,” I confirmed.

  “That’s cool. I’m impressed.”

  We arrived at our building, and Ben unlocked the door. We climbed up the stairs side-by-side, and I wondered if I should ask Ben if he wanted to hang out in the kitchen for a while. I’d really enjoyed our conversation. Even more, I almost had to pinch myself, because I could hardly believe how close I suddenly felt to him. Besides, he had looked at me so strangely earlier. Outside, we had somehow been so very far away from it all, as if we were somewhere else altogether and two completely different people.

  I handed him back his jacket. “Thanks.”

  He gave me a warm smile before disappearing into the bathroom, while I lingered undecidedly in the hallway. I would simply ask him. What was the worst thing that could possibly happen? The bathroom door opened, and Ben came out. To my surprise, he was wearing his jacket and strode towards the front door.

  “Where are you going?”

  “Out,” he replied curtly without even looking at me, before he pushed the front door open and disappeared.

  I stood in the hallway and felt as if someone had hit me in the head with a brick. Ben’s out hunting. It sunk into my consciousness while I walked numbly into the kitchen and sat down. Earlier on the street, I could’ve sworn that something had really sparked between us, an invisible connection, something special that went deeper than our usual small talk. How many times was I going to misread this guy and not learn anything?

  I must have been sitting there thinking for quite some time. The kitchen clock already showed eleven when my phone, which was sitting on the kitchen table, vibrated with an incoming message. When I looked at the display, my hand began to tremble. Ben had texted me.

  Ben: Climbing the K2.

  * * *

  I read, puzzled.

  * * *

  Me: What r u talking about?

  * * *

  I texted back. It buzzed again.

  * * *

  Ben: My big dream in life.

  * * *

  My lips curled into a broad grin. Ben Nowak had confided his great dream to me. I felt like a teenager with a huge crush. Hastily, I typed an answer.

  * * *

  Me: Count me out, way too high for me.

  * * *

  The answer came promptly.

  * * *

  Ben: If you climb the mountain with me, I’ll take the train with you.

  * * *

  My hand was shaking. He wanted to go with me to China.

  * * *

  Me: You can come along, but I won’t climb that mountain.

  * * *

  Ben: *lol* lazy bum

  * * *

  My cell announced another text.

  * * *

  Ben: What are you up to?

  * * *

  Me: Hanging out in the kitchen. You?

  For a while I waited for an answer, but it never came. He didn’t have to reply anyway because I knew exactly what he was doing. With a heavy heart, I got up to go to bed. I took my phone with me, although it was unlikely that he would text again tonight. Why had he texted me in the first place, though? For no real reason, just for fun? Was it suddenly now boring out there? What did I even want with this guy? Ben, of all people. My heart rate accelerated as I imagined his face. Had I fallen for him already?

  34

  Over the last few days, I had been so incredibly busy. So busy, that I hurried to the university in the early morning, holed myself up in the library in the afternoon, and only left when the staff turned the
lights off on me.

  Now I was the one who was avoiding Ben; we hadn’t seen each other since our evening stroll. The next day, Erdie texted to thank me for sharing Rhashmi’s number. At the same time, he invited me to the grand opening of his brother’s store, but I made up a few excuses. Ben was going to be there for sure, and I wanted to postpone seeing him again for as long as possible. As a matter of fact, until I had grown out of my childish crush and was able to finally face him again in my old, cherished dislike. Somehow everything had been so much easier, clearer, when I couldn’t stand him. Rhashmi, on the other hand, was bubbling over with happiness, because Erdie—unlike his friend—was not a complicated person. On the contrary. He had promptly invited Rhashmi out for a coffee. Since then, they had been inseparable, and Rhashmi was floating on cloud nine. So, it could be as simple as that. I, on the other hand, had fallen back into my old aversion to men in general. Why had I decided to stay single for the next few years? Right, it saved on a lot of frustration.

  Unfortunately, today was a Saturday, so escaping to campus was not an option. I heard Toby and Ellen rattling around out in the kitchen, but nothing from Ben. However, as I had already painfully learned in the past, that didn’t mean anything. Luckily, Caro had invited me to a trial Zumba class at the gym where she worked. Under normal circumstances, it wasn’t something I would volunteer to do, but it was a good way to kill a few hours, check out other trial classes, and pretend to be interested in exercise. That would take care of half of the day. I wouldn’t have to hang around in the park or loiter in front of the dorm until sundown, waiting for Ben to go out hunting again, so that I could finally sneak into my room. I knew I was behaving a little like a psychopath, but justified this to myself as pure self-protection. To make matters worse, I made the big mistake of stepping onto the scale yesterday when I went to the pharmacy for painkillers. In horror, I saw that I’d gained two pounds. Probably because of the binge-eating I’d been doing for the last few days to distract myself. But now, my dissolute lifestyle was coming to an end, right this minute. I wasn’t going to gain any more weight because of Ben. Especially not because of him!

  Without further ado, I pulled the first pair of leggings out of my closet that I could get my hands on. They were bright yellow. When did I buy these? Anyway, I stuffed them into my bag, along with a black t-shirt with a white Snipes logo on it. I packed a bottle of shower gel and a small towel as well. Then I picked up my phone to log onto Facebook and stare at Ben’s photo for the millionth time today. I was so pathetic. After I had entered my password, I paused, because the number “1” was highlighted in red in the upper right corner. When I clicked on it, I almost fell off my chair. I stared at the display in awe and couldn’t believe it; Ben had sent me a friend request. My heart leapt in my chest like a bouncy ball. What should I do now? I could hardly think straight with all my gasping. Ben Nowak had friended me! I clicked accept and then yanked back my hand as if my display was a hot stovetop. I studied his page and read all the posts. He didn’t seem to post much; there wasn’t a lot on his Facebook page to see, and he also hadn’t uploaded any other pictures of himself apart from his profile picture.

  But the things he had posted were funny or just nice; he seemed likeable and friendly. A whole bunch of people had left birthday wishes on his page. Apparently, Ben had turned twenty-four the day before yesterday. I had no idea it was his birthday. I hadn’t even wished him a happy day. Guilt spread through me—I didn’t even know my roommates’ birthdays. I wondered what he had done for his birthday. Had he celebrated with his friends or his family? I realized I knew next to nothing about him. Just a few things that other people had told me. That night, as we wandered through the chilly streets together, he had opened up a little for the first time since I’d met him. Only to immediately restore his distance.

  I had to admit to myself that I missed Ben, so I got up, hurried down the hallway to his room and knocked. No answer. Once again, I banged on his door, but nothing happened. Instead, Ellen stepped out of the kitchen.

  “Ben left about ten minutes ago.”

  “Oh.” I dropped my hand. A feeling of disappointment pervaded me. “Too bad.”

  “What did you want with him anyway?” She came closer.

  “To wish him a happy belated birthday. I just found out by accident. Did you know?”

  She shrugged as if bored. “Yeah, we wanted to have drinks with him, but he didn’t feel like celebrating.”

  “Why not?”

  “Maybe he’s getting old and frustrated. Toby said he hasn’t even been out the last few days to pick up any girls. He’s probably gone through them all by now.” Ellen sounded bitter. Her cheeks were tense, which made her look haggard and thin.

  “I need to get going. I’m meeting a friend.” I rushed back to my room and grabbed my bag. Ben sent me a friend request, I thought, smiling to myself. Ellen wasn’t on his friends list, but I was now. I left the apartment with a spring in my step.

  * * *

  I entered the modern building made of concrete, steel and glass. A mixture of disinfectant and sweat hit my nostrils. Caro was leaning against a chrome counter talking to a muscular man whose bald head was colorfully tattooed.

  “Hi,” I greeted her, and Caro jumped up.

  “Oh great, you’re here, the class starts in ten minutes. Axel is covering for me.”

  The muscleman raised his hand briefly, without paying any attention to me. He restocked the glass shelf on the counter with energy bars. My first doubts now started to creep in. I was not exactly a paragon of physical finesse; my dancing skills were limited to the usual hopping around at the club and only after a few glasses of bubbly. Unlike Caro, who could move like Beyoncé.

  “Are you sure we should try this?” I asked again, just to be on the safe side.

  Caro immediately pursed her lips. “Zumba is great for your figure, and fun to boot.”

  “I thought you hadn’t tried it yet.”

  “I haven’t, but everyone raves about it. Plus, we’ll look sexy doing it.” She wiggled her hips, spinning in circles, attentively observed by her co-worker.

  Maybe you will, I thought grimly. Unfortunately, Latin dance and my humble self didn’t agree with each other, which Caro knew all too well. But, so what? I was here now.

  Axel paused in his work and tilted his bald head to the side. “My spin class starts right after Zumba, it’s great for endurance. Thirty minutes non-stop power cycling followed by circuit training. Come check it out.”

  Truthfully, I hated bike riding, and certainly wouldn’t be tackling power-cycling with Superman here.

  “I think Zumba’s enough for now. Maybe I’ll go back to the machines afterwards,” I said smugly, although I knew I would never do that. Caro came around the counter and put her arm around me, spinning a keyring around her finger. Her fitness outfit flattered her slim silhouette.

  “Come on, let’s go to the locker room. We’ll show your love handles who’s boss,” she said to motivate me.

  “Love handles?” someone repeated behind my back with amusement, and we both turned around.

  My heart almost stopped beating; Ben and Erdie were standing next to the counter. What the hell were they doing here? Was Ben stalking me now? I wanted to flee on the spot, but Caro seemed to read my mind. She held me in a vice grip.

  Axel gave both of them keys without even blinking, and I realized the guys weren’t here for the first time. I was going to strangle Caro later, whether she was my best friend or not. Why hadn’t she ever told me that Ben worked out here?

  “Oh,” Caro shrugged, “I was obviously joking. Of course, Luca doesn’t have love handles. See for yourself.” She pinched my side only to grab a big chunk of me between her thumb and the other fingers.

  Heat shot up to my cheeks. She was definitely in trouble. I knocked her hand away. “Stop that, are you crazy?”

  “But...” Caro seemed at a loss.

  Ben and Erdie laughed with restraint, whereupon I
was tempted to mention that I knew about Ben’s childhood obesity.

  “Luca is perfect just the way she is.” Ben looked me in the eyes. In my eyes—not at my breasts, and I felt like he was trying to understand me. My blood surged through my veins. Then Erdie patted my shoulder, tearing me out of my brief, but beautiful, trance.

  “Of course, she is!” Erdie announced. “What man would ever go for a skeleton. An extra pound or two is fine with me!”

  He could have spared his pep talk, especially since Rhashmi probably weighed no more than 110 pounds soaking wet.

  “I would love to stay and chat,” I replied as regretfully as possible, “but unfortunately, I have to go change.” I pushed Caro along with both hands, throwing a quick glance back at the guys. They seemed to be waiting for something. What was wrong with them again?

  “What are you doing?” Caro leaned against me.

  “Getting out of here, you traitor,” I hissed, shooing her along.

  “Stop!” She tried to slip out of my grip.

  “Not until the locker room.”

  “But they’re over there.” She pointed in the other direction. “This is the men’s side!”

  I stopped in my tracks. Ben and Erdie hadn’t moved. Damn it. With my head held high, I turned around and walked past them.

  “Are you lost?” Ben asked, but I ignored him. Why had I accepted his friend request earlier?

  In the locker room, I launched into my interrogation. “Why didn’t you ever tell me they work out here? Have you gone crazy?”