Love Chaos

by Ute Jackle

  “I never mentioned it?” Caro seemed tense.

  “No!”

  “It must have slipped my mind.” She smiled and shrugged again. “It doesn’t matter. They are always over there on the machines. Now hurry, the class starts in two minutes.”

  After I’d changed, Caro shook her head at me. “You can’t be serious?”

  “What?”

  “Your legs look like a pair of bananas. Where did you buy those? At Bad Taste ‘R’ Us?”

  “No,” I retorted, “They’re from a store called ‘Strangled My Best Friend with a Pair of Leggings!’”

  She held up her hands. “Alright, alright. Come on.”

  35

  I stood with a group of energetic women in a pastel-pink room, one wall was entirely made of glass so that every passer-by could watch what we were doing in here. That didn’t help calm my nerves, because some of the ladies were already warming up with fancy hip moves even without music. Undoubtedly, this was not their first class. I gave Caro a pleading glance, which she pretended not to notice. Today was the last time I’d do her any more favors, I swore to myself.

  An animated blonde woman in her mid-thirties swept in. Her skin was deeply tanned, which made her teeth glow like snow drifts in the sun when she opened her mouth.

  “Let’s get to it!” she called out, clapping her hands before skipping over to the CD player. “You girls ready for some Zumba?!”

  “Yeah!” cheered everyone, even Caro. I remained silent; I had never been a fan of over-motivated super-women. We had literally nothing in common. Fast Salsa rhythms roared from the sound system, and in a flash, the instructor got into position. She marched in place, circling her hips and waving her hands in the air—all at the same time. I knew right away I was not cut out for this type of exercise. Nevertheless, I gritted my teeth and danced along. I even tried to keep to the beat, but the steps were too fast for me, and I repeatedly danced in the wrong direction, while my hips made more angular movements. Sweat dripped down my temples and cheeks. I huffed and puffed, but didn’t give up, I kept up the good fight. Zumba was not going to beat me, even though I would certainly feel every single muscle tomorrow. I shot Caro an envious glance. She performed every move with a playful ease, as if she had done nothing else her entire life. I knew it! She had been secretly practicing.

  To make matters worse, I stumbled, but caught myself again. When I happened to look out of the glass, I froze with rattling breath. Ben and Erdie stood outside, watching us as if the class were a peep show. The instructor must have noticed my distress because she followed my gaze. She also stopped dancing before resolutely marching outside. The guys’ amused expressions morphed into alarm while the blond woman obviously chided them. They kept shaking their heads and holding up their hands in defense, trying to appease her, but our instructor shook her head mercilessly. Finally, she grabbed them by the arms and dragged them into the studio.

  “Two new participants have just joined us,” she announced. “The guys here didn’t know about my rule: You stare, you dance.”

  The women clapped and cheered. Ben, on the other hand, seemed shocked, which filled me with gloating satisfaction. Yep, what goes around comes around. The Empire was striking back.

  “We only stopped to look for a second. Come on, Jenny, you can’t be serious,” Ben pleaded.

  “Give it a try,” the teacher encouraged him in a sugary sweet voice. “You’re going to have a blast.”

  “I’m sure, but still...”

  Erdie patted Ben’s shoulder, interrupting his pitiful tirade. “We might as well join in. Just suck it up.”

  “Dude, you can’t be serious.” My roommate sounded horrified.

  “Enough chit-chat. Get into position,” the instructor told him, before she cranked up the volume. The guys, their heads hanging, looked for a spot between the participants. Caro nudged me and grinned. In response, I clenched my fist and pumped my arm. Strike! Ben had noticed my gesture. Wonderful.

  Jenny now put on some faster music. With wide, alternating strides, the women also raised their fists rhythmically into the air. Ben looked like a gorilla—his sense of rhythm seemed to be about as lousy as my own. Elated, I spun around and circled my hips, all of the sudden feeling light and carefree—compared to Ben. Erdie did better, I had to admit. The hip swinging seemed to come more naturally to him. As the women giggled louder and louder, Ben realized he was the center of attention, but he continued to give it his best. I had to give him that. For Zumba, however, he was clearly too tall. He couldn’t manage any of the finer movements.

  Finally, the instructor had mercy and wrapped up the class. Ben, bathed in sweat, leaned on his thighs and gasped for breath. A few strands of hair were plastered to his forehead.

  “Damn, that’s exhausting,” he swore breathlessly, but I was right there with him.

  My knees were weak; with every step, I felt like I was walking on pudding.

  “Good job, boys!” the instructor called after them. “You’re welcome to join the class any time!”

  “You’ll never see me again,” murmured Ben.

  I patted his shoulder. “What’s the matter? Did that little lady’s gymnastics class wear you out?”

  “I’m into a different kind of gymnastics,” he grinned. Apparently, he wasn’t the least bit embarrassed by his pitiful performance.

  “Show-off,” I muttered, making him laugh. “Happy belated birthday, by the way.”

  “Thanks.” Ben’s eyes began shimmering. His black T-shirt was plastered to his chest, clinging to the contours of his well-toned torso. My gaze froze at his muscular biceps. I wondered what they felt like. And then I became embarrassingly aware that my own shirt was probably clinging to my chest as well. On top of it, I was wearing those ridiculous banana leggings. I looked down and saw that my top was stretched tightly over my breasts, just as I had feared. Embarrassment burned hot in my cheeks.

  “You don’t have any love handles,” Ben whispered. “You’re finally not wearing something baggy. See how good you look?”

  He couldn’t be serious. I didn’t know what to say.

  Caro squealed next to me. “Shit, the locksmith is finally here. I need to show him the two lockers that are stuck.” She put one hand on my arm. “Be right back.”

  “Okay.”

  Meanwhile, Erdie came over, having wrapped up his chat with the instructor. “Jenny sees potential in me,” he announced with amusement. “But it looks bleak for you, my friend.”

  Ben snorted. “That really hurts.”

  “Want to hit the sauna?” Erdie asked. “What about you, Shorty? Want to join us?”

  I tapped my forehead. “Keep dreaming. I’m definitely not going to sit around naked in the sauna with you guys.”

  “Oh, come on, Luca,” Ben piped up in an amused voice. “It’s way too hot in there to even sneak a peek, honestly.” He winked at me.

  “Forget about it,” I started, when I was interrupted by a dark voice.

  “Lu-ca.” Someone stressed every letter of my name. I turned around, and my heart stopped for a beat. First, I saw his cold gray eyes, then his curly brown hair. A star-shaped birthmark decorated his cheek. I felt nauseous, while he grinned at me with narrow lips. I was so horrified that I couldn’t move, at the same time I just wanted to get away. To flee to the end of the world, to hide from him.

  He had found me!

  “How’ve you been, Luca?” he asked in a friendly voice. “Nice to see you again.”

  I shook my head and took a step backwards. Tears welled up my eyes, fear raged in me. “No,” I said, feeling suffocated.

  “Luca, are you all right?” Ben inquired before turning to the guy. “Hey, Konstantin. You guys know each other?”

  I put my hands over my mouth to suppress a scream. They knew each other. Ben knew him! What should I do now?

  “Ben. What’s up, man?” Konstantin asked.

  Turning on my heel, I stumbled towards the locker rooms to grab my stuff. I
needed to get out of here, away from Konstantin. He had found me. The most terrible nightmare of my life had come true! What was I supposed to do now? I wiped the tears from my face and hectically threw my clothes in my bag. Sweaty as I was, I rushed out of the locker room and to the exit. I had to get away—far away from there. My hands were shaking. When I pushed the glass door open, someone grabbed me by the arm. My heart stopped and a frightened scream escaped from my lips.

  “Leave me alone,” I yelled and broke free. Was he after me already?

  “Luca, it’s me, Ben.” Again, he grabbed my arm and stopped me. “What’s the matter, Luca? You looked like someone was trying to kill you.”

  My voice shook when I said. “I have to go. Let me go.”

  With a strong grip, Ben pulled the door shut again, I pressed myself against it, but he held it closed.

  “Not until you tell me what’s wrong.” He lifted my chin with one hand and forced me to look him in the eyes. “How do you know Konstantin? And what’s the deal with you two?”

  “That’s none of your business.” My lower lip was trembling. I couldn’t tell Ben the truth, ever.

  “It is my business if you’re afraid of someone,” he strongly objected.

  “I’m not afraid of Konstantin,” I hastily affirmed, but kept looking over my shoulder to check if he was coming after me already. “How do you know each other?” I asked, hoping they weren’t friends, otherwise I would have to move out immediately and probably leave Erlangen too, if he lived nearby.

  “He works at the locksmith place, next door to the copy shop.”

  “Is he a friend of yours?”

  “No.”

  I closed my eyes in relief. Now Ben just needed to let me go so I could hide somewhere.

  “Let me go,” I begged him.

  “Only if you tell me what’s wrong.”

  “Dammit!” I banged the glass door with my fist. “I knew him a while back, and I had a crush on him. There. Happy now? Just get out of my way and leave me alone.”

  He stepped away from the door, so I could open it. And yet I hesitated and turned around once again. Ben was watching me, serious and worried, and it pained me more than anything to look in his eyes. I didn’t deserve his concern.

  “Ben,” I whispered without looking up. “Does he know where we live?”

  “No,” I heard him say in a low voice.

  “Please don’t tell him,” I pleaded, struggling to hold back my tears.

  “I won’t.”

  I rushed outside into the light drizzle, which had started in the meantime, and ran through the streets with my heart pounding. My pulse was throbbing in my temples, and an intense pain shot through my side, but I ignored the sting. I needed to get home, hide, call Caro, and make a plan. Fear of Konstantin expanded in my chest. Why had I gone to that damn gym today?

  I would never be able to use the copy shop on campus again either. Could I trust Ben not to tell him where I lived? Maybe I should move out right away, leave town, go to my father’s place in America; I would be safe there for a while. But what about my degree? I was in my final year and couldn’t just drop out now. With long strides, I hurried up the stairs to our apartment and rushed into my room. My body was trembling, and I was overcome by a feeling of powerlessness. Konstantin wasn’t like Martin—the boys couldn’t help me with him. He was on an entirely different scale. With shaking hands, I fished my phone out of my pocket and called Caro.

  “Caro,” I wailed.

  “What’s wrong? Why did you take off?”

  “That guy, the locksmith…” My voice broke.

  “What about him?”

  “That was Konstantin!”

  I heard Caro breathe into the silence. Finally, she asked: “That Konstantin?”

  “Yes… What am I going to do now? Ben knows him.”

  “Holy shit. But listen, I don’t think he’s going to come after you anymore, stay calm. Wait. And if he does show up, you can always still go to the police.”

  I thought hard. “You’re right. Ben promised not to tell him where I live.”

  “I’m sure he won’t. And now calm down. Want me to come over later?”

  “No, it’s okay. I’m just overreacting. I’m being hysterical.” I buried my hand in my hair and clawed all five fingers into my scalp.

  “Call me if you need anything, okay?”

  “I will.” As I hung up, a horrible thought flashed through my mind. Ben could never ask Konstantin about me. Never!

  * * *

  The door clicked; someone entered the apartment. Cautiously, I peeked through my cracked door and spotted Ben in the kitchen. He was filling a glass of water from the faucet. As I slowly came closer, he turned around and looked at me with a serious expression on his face.

  “Can I ask you a favor?” I asked quietly.

  Ben sat down on a chair. “Have a seat.” He pointed to the place next to him, but I remained standing. I couldn’t talk to him; I couldn’t tell him about Konstantin… He just had to promise me one thing.

  “Please promise you won’t talk to Konstantin about me.”

  He took a sip of water. “I already asked him about you.”

  My stomach knotted. It couldn’t be true. How much did Ben know? “What… What did you ask him?

  His eyes bore into mine, as if he were trying to x-ray me. “I asked him what went down between you two.”

  I held my breath, but he didn’t continue, so I went on. “What did he say?”

  “He said you had a crush on him.”

  “Then he told you the exact same thing I did. So, can we please forget about him now?” I was about to walk away, but he grabbed my wrist.

  “Luca,” he said softly.

  “Yes?”

  “I don’t believe him—and I don’t believe you either.”

  “Ben, please,” I begged. “Let it go. I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Alright. But in case you ever do want to talk—I’m always here for you, and willing to listen, okay?”

  “Okay.” I looked past Ben and stared at the wall, because I knew, in my heart of hearts, I could never talk to him about my past. I realized my nightmare was never going to end, and that my past was going to chase me like a three-headed monster for the rest of my life. No matter where I went, Konstantin’s shadow hovered over me, visible to everyone like a lighthouse in the darkness.

  When Ben finally let go of me, I stumbled back to my room where I sank onto the bed. I could no longer hold back my tears. Why had I been so stupid?

  36

  I holed myself up in my room for the rest of the weekend and talked to Caro on the phone for hours. She had managed to build me up enough that I could go to class today. Still, I found myself stalling over breakfast. Everything inside me screamed that I shouldn’t leave the safe haven of our apartment and brave the streets by myself, even though it was broad daylight. On the other hand, I knew that I couldn’t give Konstantin so much power over my life that I no longer dared to leave the house by myself. I had already spent too much time worrying about that bastard. With a heavy sigh, I bit off a piece of my gluten-free toast and jam, watching the hands of the clock on the wall mercilessly jump forward. I needed to leave in fifteen minutes if I didn’t want to miss my lecture, but my legs wouldn’t move. I felt paralyzed. Then Toby walked in.

  “Good morning,” he said, interrupting my thoughts.

  “Morning,” I replied curtly, licking some jam off my thumb.

  He grabbed a mug from the cupboard, poured himself some coffee, and sat down next to me with his iPad to read the news. I gave him a closer look. If I was lucky, he had to go to class too, so we could walk part of the way together. In his company, I could discreetly scout out the situation outside, test out how it felt to be in the city.

  “Do you have class now?” I asked carefully.

  Toby blinked up. “Not until eleven.”

  Shit. That was too late, I had to get going. Today’s class was important.
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br />   “We could walk together,” I suggested anyway, which made him look at me quizzically.

  “Why do you want to take a walk with me?”

  “I don’t want to take a walk with you.” Why did he have to make everything so complicated? “I just thought it might be nice to walk together and chat a little bit.”

  Toby swiped across his iPad. “When’s your class?”

  “In a few minutes. Want to come?” I wasn’t giving up hope yet.

  “Luca, if I leave now, I’ll have to hang around for two hours until my class starts.” He seemed a bit annoyed. Toby wanted to read his iPad in peace and clearly didn’t want to talk to me, but I kept going.

  “You could have coffee,” I suggested.

  He held up his mug “What am I doing right now? Luca, I appreciate that you want to walk to class with me, but it’s really too early. Sorry!”

  I sighed. What now? It looked like I had to walk alone. Maybe I should call a cab. My fingers felt cold.

  “I’ll walk with you.” I heard Ben say next to me. He put a hand on my shoulder. “If you want, we can go together. I need to get going myself.”

  “But you don’t even have class on Mondays,” Toby said in surprise.

  “I have things to do,” he replied curtly, and Toby turned his attention back to his iPad.

  I sat for another moment. Ben had seen through me. He knew that I just didn’t want to go out by myself. On the one hand, I was grateful that he wanted to accompany me, but I feared that he would use the opportunity to ask more questions about Konstantin. Ben had already taken his jacket off the hook and stood waiting by the door.

  “Shall we go?”

  I nodded. “Yes, let me just get my bag.” My fear evaporated somewhat as I rushed to my room. At least today, I didn’t have to walk alone, and I simply wouldn’t answer any of Ben’s questions.

  * * *

  Just like the other night, we strolled side by side through the streets, but today felt completely different. I was nervous and tense, glancing over my shoulder or looking left and right down narrow side streets, but luckily nothing seemed suspicious. I was grateful to have Ben by my side. We walked in silence for a while, but suddenly he started talking.