Love Chaos

by Ute Jackle

  “Phyllis has been asking about you. She drew a picture for you and gave it to me. It’s back home.”

  I had to smile as I pictured the little girl’s face in my mind. “She’s the cutest.”

  “Yes, she is. Actually, she drew it for me, but changed her mind at the last minute and told me she’d rather give it to you.”

  “Oh!” I put my fingertips to my mouth. “I’m sorry about that.”

  He seemed to take Phyllis’ rejection in stride. “That’s how women are, all alike. Even the very small ones.”

  “What did you do on your birthday? I didn’t even know about it, sorry.”

  “I’m not that much into birthdays anyway. Erdie’s mother made me come for cake. She even put twenty-four candles on it.” He rolled his eyes. “I had to blow them out like when I was a kid.”

  “I think that’s really sweet.”

  “Nursel is a very sweet person, but I guess we’ll always be little boys to her.”

  “What about your parents? You didn’t celebrate with them?”

  Barely noticable, Ben’s body tensed. He clenched his fingers on one hand before finally answering. “Yes, I saw them.” He looked down.

  “What do your parents do?”

  “Look,” Ben pointed ahead. “Isn’t that Rhashmi?”

  “You’ve met her already?” I waved, when Rhashmi turned towards us.

  Ben sighed deeply and tormented. “For weeks now, I’ve heard about nothing else but her from Erdie: Rhashmi is so great, so pretty, so funny, and he’s convinced he has no chance with her. And if I thought I could ask you for her number and so on and so forth.”

  I giggled. “Same here.” I glimpsed in Rhashmi’s direction. “How come you never asked me for her number? He asked me for it himself.”

  “Come on,” he snorted, “as if you’d have given it to me. What did you have against me anyway? I never understood your problem with me.”

  I couldn’t answer that question offhand. What had I actually had against him? “Let’s put it this way. You didn’t really make a great first impression, and I had a hard time letting that go.”

  “What?” he said perplexed. “I helped you get your coffee.”

  “And made fun of me.”

  “Just a little.” He indicated a tiny gap between his thumb and forefinger. “But somehow I had to get you to talk to me.”

  “So, you were hitting on me?” I nudged him with my elbow, like I was joking. Say yes, say yes, say yes…

  He smiled. “Of course.”

  “To get me into bed,” I assumed on the spot, and he rolled his eyes at me.

  “You always think the worst of me. Of course, I wouldn’t say no if something happens.” He shrugged his shoulders. “But flirting doesn’t necessarily have to end between the sheets. And I haven’t been out a lot lately anyway.”

  “And why not?” Curiosity literally dripped from my voice like water from a wet sponge.

  Ben looked at me for a long time, the blue in his eyes prevailed in the bright sunshine, making his face glow noticeably. His dimple was even showing, and I felt like he was showing it only to me.

  “I’m getting older,” he finally said. Unfortunately, I couldn’t press any further, because we had reached Rhashmi, who’d been waiting for us. She was talking and laughing into her phone. Still, I couldn’t shake the feeling that Ben had been about to say something else entirely.

  “Yes, they’re here right in front of me,” she said into the phone and held up a hand in greeting.

  “Erdie,” Ben whispered, and I nodded.

  Rhashmi’s face glowed; she was head over heels in love.

  They’re really into each other,” I whispered.

  “Erdie can’t stop smiling either, it’s so annoying. But I’m happy for them, even if he has been making himself scarce lately.”

  “You poor thing,” I consoled him, patting his cheek. A smart move, I thought, so I could touch him without being too obvious. He grabbed my hand and pressed it against his face.

  “You could comfort me.” His gaze wandered boldly along my body, sending sparks down right into my panties. I felt all tingly. I’d been wearing tighter shirts lately and had banned all the baggy ones to the back of my closet.

  Why did I have the feeling that he was looking for a very special kind of solace? I liked that idea.

  I liked it a lot!

  “And what do you have in mind?” I was breathing shallowly, his gaze never wavering from mine.

  “I’ll think of something.” The expression in his eyes became more intense; feverish.

  “You know, I’m not that easy,” I countered, laughing to mask my nervousness. He bent down to my ear.

  “Still as uptight as when we met?” he whispered. I knew he was testing me as his warm breath brushed my cheek, sending a pleasurable shiver through me.

  “With me, it goes step by step. In the beginning, the most you’d get is a kiss, then I’d have to see.”

  Immediately, he stepped aside, the passionate flicker in his eyes fading. “Can you walk the rest of the way with Rhashmi, or should I take you to your class building?” he asked suddenly matter-of-factly.

  I swallowed. “Yes, go ahead, it’s all right.”

  Running a hand through his hair, he said: “I’m gonna take off then. If you need anything, give me a call, okay?”

  “Alright,” I croaked. What had I done wrong now? From one second to the next, his mood had changed, and he’d become a completely different person.

  “One more thing,” he said softly. “Konstantin doesn’t live in Erlangen, but somewhere outside of town. He said he doesn’t know his way around because he hates it here. It’s highly unlikely you’ll run into him again.”

  “Thanks for the info,” I replied curtly while my chest constricted once again. Did he have to remind me of that bastard now of all times? I’d just managed to forget about him.

  Ben waved goodbye to Rhashmi, who was still on the phone, and hurried past me. Confused, I watched him go. Would I ever understand this guy?

  37

  “Hey, I gotta go,” Rhashmi said. “Luca’s rolling her eyes at me.”

  I was doing what? She couldn’t have seen it; I had turned away.

  “I can tell by your back,” she hissed and then purred into the phone: “Yes, see you later… Can’t wait.” She put her phone away.

  “So, you and Erdie have really hit it off.”

  Rhashmi’s eyes sparkled. “He’s so awesome. We get along so well, and he’s an incredible kisser.” She ran the tip of her tongue along her upper lip.

  Definitely too much superfluous information for my taste, especially since Ben had just run away from me when I had mentioned the word kissing. Do I have bad breath? ran through my mind. Discreetly, I sniffed my breath behind my palm. No, thank God. Then I had probably just triggered his kissing phobia with my babbling. Maybe he was afraid of contracting herpes, or he was some sort of oral hypochondriac. How could he get intimate with a woman without kissing her? How did he do that? It was completely beyond me. Maybe Rhashmi could do some digging on Ben through Erdie. I dismissed the idea right away. Rhashmi and I weren’t so close that I could trust her with my biggest secret weaknesses.

  “Erdie asked me to go to the festival the week after next,” she announced, beaming as if he’d asked for her hand in marriage.

  “You guys are sure planning far ahead,” I joked. “Is it getting serious between you two lovebirds?”

  “Very serious. He wants me to meet his daughter.”

  “Phyllis?” I asked, even though I knew Erdie only had one kid.

  “You’ve met her before?” Rhashmi sounded hurt.

  “Ben watches her sometimes. She’s been to our place,” I explained to calm her down. “She’s the cutest. I’m sure you’ll love her.”

  “I’m not very good with little kids,” she confessed in a whisper, as if Erdie were nearby. “I get rashes every time I have to pass the kindergarten on my street and
the rug rats are outside playing. The noise they make!”

  “Phyllis is really sweet, don’t worry,” I encouraged her. “She loves unicorns and playing Uno,” I added as a little tip.

  The two of them were really making progress in their relationship from zero to sixty in five seconds flat. Why was it so easy for some people? They met, were immediately aware of their feelings for each other, and could easily reveal them to each other. There were no concerns or fears of commitment in their love for one another. Everything ran perfectly smooth in a straight line to seventh heaven. Why had I never had that? Why did I always end up with the relationship misfits? The world wasn’t fair.

  We entered the university building through the large glass door. As usual, there was a buzz of people, a din of voices and laughter filling the air. We squeezed past a group of students wildly debating amongst themselves and climbed up the wide staircase. Martin was standing by the door to the lecture hall—he seemed to be waiting for someone. Oh no! Of all things. Just what I needed today.

  I nudged Rhashmi in the side. “Hey, there’s Martin.”

  “Ignore him,” she sing-songed, taking my arm.

  I decided to take her advice on the spot. He probably didn’t want anything from me anyway, but was waiting for one of his nerd buddies.

  Just as I was about to enter the lecture hall, I heard his mewling voice.

  “Hi, Luca. Do you have a minute?”

  “No, she doesn’t,” Rhashmi answered for me.

  “May I?” A blond man bumped into me, since I was blocking the door, and pressed me against Martin. I hastily jumped aside.

  “What do you want?” I snapped.

  “I’m sorry about our fight,” he said. “Are we good again?”

  Are we good again? Where had he learned that? I hadn’t heard that expression since elementary school. Rhashmi rubbed her forehead and took a deep breath.

  “Uh, yeah… I guess… No problem.” What kind of bullshit was coming out of my mouth? Was I out of my mind? Obviously, yes. Rhashmi was gesturing wildly at me.

  Martin beamed.

  “Yay! Maybe we can have a cup of tea sometime?”

  Was he asking me out? Again! After everything that had happened? I couldn’t believe it. “How’s Johanna?” I asked instead of an answer.

  “Johanna.” He scratched his head. “Well, she’s fine. We’re still together, but that doesn’t mean much. I still like you better.”

  I was speechless.

  “You have a girlfriend?” Rhashmi sounded flabbergasted.

  “Yes,” he replied reluctantly. “But it’s just temporary.” He stared at me, his head wobbling. “What about us then?”

  “This is a bad time. I really have a lot of studying to do. Maybe some other day,” I stammered.

  Rhashmi pulled me into the hall. “He really has a girlfriend? That nutcase is just full of it, right?” she whispered excitedly.

  “No, no, he really does. I met her.”

  Her mouth stood open. “Oh my God. She must be crazy to hook up with that weirdo!”

  “I even think she’s madly in love with him. She was really pissed off when she saw us together.”

  Rhashmi stared at me, her eyes huge. “You’re kidding?”

  I nodded. “It’s true, I’m serious.”

  “There are more and more crazy people in this world. I swear it’s because of all the plasticizers in packaging,” she said in a fury. “That stuff dissolves and is absorbed by our DNA, and before you know it, we have a bunch of Martins and Johannas running all over the place...”

  “A bold theory,” I said dryly, and sat down in a free spot.

  Rhashmi dropped onto the seat next to me. “I’m telling you, stay away from that Martin. The guy’s definitely got a screw loose.”

  I peered behind me as unobtrusively as possible. Martin was sitting a few rows up from us, where he could keep tabs on me. When our eyes met, he waved with both hands. I turned forward hastily. I seemed to be a magnet for all sorts of nutcakes, as I was shocked to discover. How could Martin be back in the picture, again? I was really beyond help.

  38

  Ben grabbed me from behind in the hallway and pressed himself against my back, his breath hot on my neck. I closed my eyes in pleasure.

  “Come with me,” he whispered huskily, pushing open his room door and guiding me to his bed. I let myself be taken there; he was still behind me. I stroked his thighs, felt his muscular firm legs and much more… Moaning softly in my ear, he pushed me onto the mattress before covering my body with his. His eyes glittered with lust, and his gaze wandered greedily across my upper body, which made me quiver with excited anticipation.

  “Take off your clothes,” he commanded, stroking my breasts with one hand. My nipples stood up under the thin fabric of my shirt, and I tugged at the hem to finally get rid of it. Barely daring to breath, I watched him slowly bend over me. His tongue glided sensually and pleasurably over my breast, leaving a cold, wet trail on my skin. The pulsing between my legs increased, and I grabbed his hair and pulled his face down to my breasts, I needed to feel more of him. So much more… His hands brushed along my sides, approaching my thighs. I raised my hips and pushed against his touch while my body throbbed wildly. The stubble on his chin scratched across my neck and set off fireworks inside me. I gasped. His hand caressed my thigh, drew closer to my center; my skin was on fire.

  “Kiss me,” I rasped and put my hands around his neck, eagerly awaiting his sensual lips. I wanted him more than I’d ever wanted any other man in my life, longed to kiss him so badly, desired to play with his tongue, to surrender to him. Slowly, he approached my mouth, but stopped shortly before reaching it.

  “You don’t really think I’m going to kiss you, do you?” Ben threw his head back and laughed while I watched him in shock. Suddenly, Erdie, Toby, and Ellen were standing in front of my bed and joining in the laughter. Martin appeared too, giggling madly. Where had they all come from? And even worse, they were seeing me naked!

  I woke up panting and looked around, confused. To my relief, I was alone in my room, and everything was quiet. Oh, my God. I just had a sex dream about Ben. So, that’s what it had come to. Morning was just beginning to dawn, sending rays of sunshine into my room.

  Slowly, I sat up, listening to my racing heartbeat. Desire for Ben was still pulsing between my thighs, spread warmly in my body, and it wouldn’t stop. Only this wall separated us. He was asleep next door, by himself like the nights before. Longing overcame me; the need to go and lay down next to him, cuddle into his arms and breathe in his velvety scent, a mixture of sandalwood and a pleasant-smelling laundry soap.

  I wanted to run my hands over his firm stomach and touch the dimple at the corner of his mouth again. I just wanted to be close to him. And I really wanted to kiss him, nibble on his lower lip and play with his tongue. Sighing, I got up to distract myself a little with studying to keep from rushing into his room like a sex-starved maniac. I had to be at the lab in two hours anyway. The last couple of days had passed uneventfully. Just as Ben had predicted, I hadn’t run into Konstantin again all week. Six years had now passed, and there was a good chance that Konstantin had lost interest in me. I decided to simply continue with my life as if nothing ever happened. Although, I now made sure not to be alone outside after dark, just to be safe. My relationship with Ben was still friendly, but quite distant. More and more often, I got the impression that even the slightest trigger was enough to catapult our fragile friendship back into oblivion. He was back to only saying the barest minimum to me, while Martin, on the other hand, was becoming seriously annoying. He kept appearing on campus wherever I was, trying to talk to me. I had no idea how to get rid of him. The guy was a leech.

  I wiped away the miserable thoughts of Martin and decided to take a long shower, since I was up this early anyway. The noise from the drain pipes would probably wake up my neighbors on the lower floors, but that wasn’t my problem. Just as I stepped into the hallway, the door t
o Ben’s room opened, and he came out dressed only in white boxers and a white t-shirt. It took great effort to keep my eyes off his shapely legs. A long scar ran across his left knee, and his hair stood out wildly to all sides.

  Ben looked sleepy still, and in that moment, I wished with all my heart he could wake up next to me looking exactly like that every day. My stomach tingled and buzzed. He smiled when he saw me.

  “You’re up early,” he remarked, yawning into his hand.

  “Got tons of stuff to do in the lab. I wanted to get an early start,” I lied hastily. After all, I could hardly tell him that I had woken up from a wet dream only a bit ago in which he played the leading role.

  “I see.” He walked past me towards the kitchen and lightly brushed against me with his arm. The brief touch tingled down my back like prosecco bubbles. Ben stopped in his tracks.

  “You’ve got something in your hair.” He plucked a piece of fuzz out and then stroked my hair. Next thing I knew, he was taking my face in both hands. I stopped breathing when I felt his fingers against my ears while his thumbs brushed across my cheeks. My blood surged through my veins; he must have felt it pulsating at his fingertips. We were standing close together. Ben’s breathing quickened, stirring up an unbelievable nervousness in me. What did he have in mind? This man was the most unpredictable person I had ever met. What should I do? Nestle up to him, put my arms around his waist? None of my limbs were working, so I stood there and waited with bated breath for Ben’s next move. For a few moments, we watched each other in silence. His dimple was right in front of me, and his black-blue eyes stared at me intently. Then I studied the arch of his eyebrows, memorizing every hair, every tiny bump. All of it formed a perfect image that I would carry with me in my heart. I had only ever been this close to him one other time, also here in this hallway and the very thought of it made me shiver with pleasure. He leaned towards me, and I hoped so badly that he would kiss me. Longingly, I closed my eyes and immediately felt his lips on my forehead before he broke away and released my face. Puzzled, I opened my eyes. In a strange way, Ben seemed to be dissatisfied, as if he had actually had something else in mind, but changed his plan at the last moment.