Love Chaos

by Ute Jackle

  “Yes, partly because of you.” He nodded and looked up at the ceiling. “When Ellen talked you into that one-night stand, I knew that I should literally be the last person on Earth giving advice against having casual sex; I, of all people. But I still had to try. Picturing you in bed with a strange guy right next door to me drove me crazy. When you were with that idiot at the festival, I was so jealous. I had to watch that dipshit Leon hit on you; the two of you had this intense eye contact and…” He broke off and leaned his head back. “Then he kissed you. And yes, I was planning to take him out. I deliberately provoked him. He should’ve kept his hands off you, but I had no right to get involved, and I’m sorry about that.”

  “Don’t be sorry,” I quickly assured him. “Leon was a first-class idiot. I was glad to be rid of him.” I stared at my hands as I considered whether I should even ask him the next question. Ben was so far out of my league in the looks department that it seemed utopian to even plant a spark of hope in my heart at all, let alone allow the idea of an “us” to take root. But once again, my mouth was quicker than my brain. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure.” He seemed tense.

  “I—I never thought you cared about me much, but from what you just told me, it actually sounds like you kind of like me.”

  “Of course, I like you.” He put his cool palm against my flaming cheek. “Even more than that.”

  “So, what does that mean for us? I mean…”

  I nearly died saying it out loud, but Ben didn’t let me finish. He quickly lowered his hand hastily off my face. “I know what you mean.”

  We stared at each other. I gazed into his eyes, and they returned a sorrowful, wistful look. It was obvious Ben was about to give me some bad news.

  55

  “I’m sorry, Luca, but we can’t be together.”

  My heart drowned in the flood of my disappointment. I’d fallen in love with Ben, deeply in love. But he didn’t want me. Moments passed as I tried hard to stop myself from bursting into tears.

  “Am I not pretty enough?” He owed me an explanation at least. After all, he had just ripped my heart out of my chest.

  “Luca, please, let’s not have this discussion. It’s not possible, it’s really not possible. You should consider yourself lucky.”

  “Why can’t you talk straight for once so that people can follow what you say?” I snarled at him. “I just want to understand. After that, I’ll never bother you again.”

  “It’s not because of you.”

  This threadbare excuse really hurt. “That’s the cheapest and oldest excuse in the world. I can’t believe you’re feeding me that garbage,” I threw back in his face. Then I bit my lower lip in order not to say something I would regret later.

  “It’s not an excuse, dammit,” he snapped back. “And yes, I do think you’re pretty, very pretty in fact, and I don’t think that you’re not good enough for me. It’s exactly the other way around.”

  “What is it then? Talk to me, Ben.” I almost begged him.

  He tapped his shoe against the desk. “I can’t tell you that.”

  “Why not?”

  Ben got louder. “I just can’t, okay?”

  “I told you about my past.” I looked him straight in the eyes. “Please, Ben. At least let me understand.”

  “I can’t,” he whispered.

  Don’t do this to me, I thought. I bared my soul in front of him, and all he was giving me was a cheap I can’t?

  “You’re into something else, that’s it,” I threw out to provoke him into answering.

  “What?” He shook his head back.

  “You’d rather go to a brothel, that’s why you don’t want a relationship. A girlfriend couldn’t give you what you need, right?”

  “Luca.” He seemed visibly shocked. “You sound like Ellen right now, and I don’t like it at all.”

  “But you went to a hooker.”

  Ben exhaled heavily. “I didn’t have sex with a hooker, if that makes you feel any better.”

  “Ben—I saw you walk inside a brothel myself. Are you gonna deny it?”

  “No,” he replied, “you saw right. I went to that whorehouse, but not to sleep with a prostitute.”

  “Why then?”

  “Because…” He took a deep breath, his shoulders tensed up. “I went there to see my mother. She owns that brothel.” His gaze was glued to the floor so I couldn’t look into his eyes, which was probably better because that way he didn’t notice my mouth hanging open. “Excuse me? What?”

  “My mother is a prostitute. I bet you’re incredibly glad now that you and I didn’t get together, huh?” Ben finally looked up, and his indifferent expression contradicted the pain in his eyes.

  “What in the world are you talking about?” I didn’t mean to sound so dramatic.

  He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “My mother’s walked the streets for years,” he said monotonously, as if he were moderating the weather forecast. “Long before I was born. Then she got pregnant by some john, and the result’s in front of you.”

  “Ben.” I didn’t know what else to say, but he kept talking with that strangely detached tone, as if he weren’t talking about himself.

  “Initially, she’d wanted to have an abortion, but changed her mind at the last minute. You see? I wasn’t even supposed to be born. I shouldn’t be alive.”

  “Please don’t say that. It sounds horrible.”

  “Why does it sound horrible?” His voice swelled. “Just because it’s the truth, and you’re shocked? This is my life. You wanted to know every tiny detail about me.”

  “I’m sorry.” That wasn’t a good answer, I knew that much, but whatever I said wouldn’t be enough to let him know what was going on inside me. Yes, I was shocked, but not by his life story, but because he took his background so hard. After all, it wasn’t like he had had a choice in it.

  “I’m being unfair.” Ben finally went on after moments of silence that stretched on like hours. “My mom always took good care of me and made sure I had everything I needed. And I know she loves me. As a kid, I didn’t even know what her profession was. That came later.” He broke off and sat down next to me on the desk, slumping his shoulders.

  Our arms touched. I felt the warmth of his skin seep into mine, like we were connecting. Despite everything, I relished being close to him. “What happened later?” I asked timidly, as he made no attempt to continue talking.

  “When I was sixteen, I dated a girl from my class and fell in love with her. She was so pretty and had that special something. I even lost my virginity with her, and at that time I thought: This is the love of my life. My mom was still out on the streets, and even though she wore a wig, a few of my classmates recognized her when they went to spy on the ‘half-naked hookers’. The next day, they told everyone that my mom was a prostitute. Antonia immediately broke up with me. She was embarrassed to be associated with me and wanted nothing to do with me because she was afraid I’d eventually make her walk the streets too.” His expression hardened. Other than that, he didn’t show a lot of emotion, but it was clear that the events of his youth had affected him so much that he hadn’t recovered yet.

  “Oh, Ben, I’m so sorry,” I reaffirmed, because his confession sounded so incomprehensible to me. It was the absolute last thing I’d have ever expected. I could only vaguely imagine what he must have gone through over the years.

  He gave me a sidelong glance. “Do you even want to know what happened after that?”

  When I nodded silently, he went on. “Antonia broke my heart, and deep down, I knew she was right. I’m not worth anything; I’m scum who’s only here because some streetwalker’s john used a faulty condom,” he said with contempt for himself.

  “Don’t say that. That’s not true.” I took his hand, but he pulled away and stood up. Ben stuffed both hands into his jeans pockets and went on, even though I sensed that he didn’t really want to talk about his life anymore.

  “My life at
school was hell after that. Everybody knew, even the teachers would drop stupid remarks. The only one who stood by me was Erdie. He didn’t give a shit about what my mom did. His family was also there for me, and I could crash at the Dirims’ when I went rounds with my mother. I blamed her personally for my misery. She couldn’t get through me no matter how hard she tried. I hated her from the bottom of my heart for selling her body. Her life choices had made my life feel like hell on earth. Back then, the only ones I could talk to about this were Erdie’s parents. They supported me whenever the bullying at school got out of hand.”

  I wanted to take Ben into my arms, but I couldn’t move a muscle. His faint, irresistible scent reached my nose, reminding me of all the times we had been this close before. It was so overwhelming that I felt powerless to resist. It was incredible how certain smells could affect the human body. I placed my palm on his left pec. Ben’s body warmth seeped into my hand; his heart beat strong and fast. “That’s why you have that tattoo, right? Guilt and Atonement.”

  He nodded, and the unspoken truth sounded even more terrible.

  “Ben, you’re not to blame for anything. Your classmates were morons. They were teenagers; at that age, you see things differently. You break up with people for all sorts of reasons—because their clothes aren’t cool enough, or the guy suddenly shows up at school with a huge zit on his chin… There are thousands of stupid reasons.”

  He gave me a penetrating look. “Were you one of those?”

  “No,” I quickly assured him, repressing the unpleasant memory of rejecting Matt in eighth grade because he’d had a festering zit. “That was just an example.”

  “I see.” He didn’t sound convinced.

  “What I’m really trying to say is that teenagers are immature. They’re going through puberty, and you can’t take everything they say to heart. Not after so many years. On the contrary, look at what you’ve become. You’re warm, and you help others without asking for anything in return. You’re smart, you’re majoring in computer science, and everybody likes you. Your mother can’t have done that bad of a job. In fact, she brought you up to be a great guy. You can be proud of her.”

  “Luca.” He sat back down next to me, “That’s really very nice of you to say, but…”

  This time I interrupted him. “Why don’t you kiss women on the mouth, Ben?”

  He flinched. “How the hell do you know about that?”

  “Doesn’t matter, just tell me.”

  “Because—because I can’t really love anyone. After Antonia broke up with me, I decided I’d never let myself fall in love again. No woman should ever have to be ashamed of me. So, I made up my mind to act like my own kind, the person I really was. I was conceived in the gutter, and that’s where I belong. Hookers will do anything for money, except for one thing. They never kiss a john on the mouth. So, that’s how I operate, too. In my early days as a student, I used to go out to bars a lot, and I realized how easy it was for me to find a hook-up for a night. To have casual, no-strings-attached sex. I went out every night and had somebody new every time. For a long time, it was fun; changing sex partners as I pleased, but I never lost my heart to any of them. I always got out in time, never gave any of them my number, no repeats, ever. Until…” His voice broke. What had changed? I needed to know the reason, and no matter what it was, and whatever came of this, I could handle the truth. Even if we didn’t end up together, we would always be close.

  “Until what?” I asked breathlessly.

  He buried one hand in his hair. “Until you moved in with us. I saw you every day; I couldn’t shake you off like the others. You became more familiar, more important, and that wasn’t good. I started to develop feelings for you. You took up more and more space in my thoughts, turned everything upside down, and I couldn’t get rid of you.”

  Ben’s words felt like a warm spring rain, purifying me, and opening my heart.

  “Ben, kiss me,” I said to him.

  “Luca.” He shook his head. “I can’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I’m the son of a prostitute. I’d only bring you misery.”

  “I don’t care what you are, and I don’t need you to tell me what or who you are. I can make up my own mind, and I happen to see things differently. You’re a wonderful man, and I want you. And if you want me, too, then you kiss me right now. Otherwise leave it. It’s as simple as that.”

  He cocked an eyebrow, opened his mouth but closed it again. Instead, he carefully took my face in both hands, his palms cooled my hot cheeks. I was shaking inside.

  “Luca,” he said, and I knew he could feel me tremble. He looked deep into my eyes, as though he were trying to read my soul. “With me, it’s either all or nothing. If I ever decided to be with a woman for good, it would be with all the consequences. Are you ready for that?”

  Every word sounded like a compliment, a long-desired gift he’d been hiding from me and now laid down at my feet. I was overwhelmed. “Kiss me.”

  His soft laughter sounded incredulous. “Don’t be so impatient. I haven’t done this in a long time.” He caressed my bottom lip with his thumb as if to test my reaction. Heat rose inside of me and triggered a wonderful shiver within me, which trickled down my back and took my breath away. Ben slowly moved closer. His expression had changed; he seemed relaxed and liberated, as if he wanted to prolong this moment as long as possible to enjoy every second. I forced myself to remain calm and stay seated, and not jump him or impetuously press my lips to his first, even though it was all I wanted to. Ben needed to make the first move. If he kissed me, it had to happen of his own free will. The impulse had to come from him; otherwise, I didn’t want his love. His mouth hovered over mine for a second, and I didn’t dare breathe. Would he change his mind? My heartbeat accelerated as his warm breath touched my cheek, and the moment grew bigger and wider like the horizon over the ocean. I looked into his eyes, into the two black-speckled sapphires that shone right through me. The image of my own face was reflected in the dark pools. Then I felt his lips on mine, a jolt of electricity struck me. Although his touch was gentle, it was as if he first had to test what it would feel like to kiss me. He nibbled my lower lip.

  “Would you mind participating a little?” he murmured against my mouth. “I feel like I’m making out with a statue.”

  Giggling, I put both arms around his neck and pulled him closer. “I’d love to, Mr. Nowak.” We let ourselves melt into the passionate play of our tongues, warm, alluring, and simply divine. I caressed the back of his neck and snuggled closer to him. His kisses became hungrier and more ardent, igniting a blazing fire inside me that he’d have a hard time putting out again.

  I stroked every single hard muscle from his chest down to his stomach, hell bent on touching his beautiful body again. My hands ventured under his dark gray t-shirt, stroking his bare skin. Ben gasped into my mouth, rose to his feet, and parted my legs. He stood between them and pressed his lips on my neck, biting gently. The sexy hint of pain aroused me, giving me goosebumps. Taking hold of one of my thighs, he pressed my leg against his hip. His tongue dipped into my mouth, demanding and hot, trying to lure me. Our kiss grew deeper, making my skin tingle. My short skirt slipped up to my hips, and I wanted to rip his t-shirt off of him. The feeling of his warm, sensual lips on mine swept over me and carried me away, as a whirlpool of desire tugged at my core.

  “I still don’t know what you look like,” he whispered hoarsely without interrupting the kiss. His voice was throaty and seductive.

  “Why don’t you take a look?” I replied breathlessly.

  His hands wandered to my neckline, slowly opening my blouse button by button, taking his time. Everywhere his fingertips touched my skin, it tingled like champagne bubbles bursting on my skin. Eventually, he slid my blouse from my shoulders, kissing me softly, playfully, all the while not taking his lips off of mine. Heat rose inside me, nearly setting me on fire. He slowly ran his fingers from my sides to my back, tortuously slowly unhooki
ng my bra. I gasped at the sensation of the straps sliding down my arms, and he gently broke our kiss to look at me. To look at my breasts, the part of my body that I detested the most. Blood rushed to my cheeks as he let his gaze wander over my naked chest.

  “You’re so damn sexy,” he growled. “Your breasts are so beautiful.” He fondled them, one then the other, and I sighed in pleasure at his tender, yet seductively confident touch. My nipples hardened and stood firm, just screaming for more of him. Gone was my initial embarrassment. I didn’t know how he accomplished that, but what he did felt absolutely wonderful. My skin was aflame, my heart pounding erratically. Pulling up my knees, I wrapped my thighs around Ben’s waist, pulling him closer, my mouth finding his lips again. We sank into another fierce kiss that became deeper and more intoxicating, while we explored each other with our hands. My longing for him grew; my core was throbbing as he broke the kiss to start teasing my nipples with the tip of his tongue, letting his fiery breath heat up my skin in hot little gushes. Suddenly, Ben’s hand was on my thigh, and I stopped breathing. His fingers wandered up the inside of my thigh and slid to my panties.

  He caressed me through the fabric and intensified the searing sensation in my abdomen to almost unbearable, and I heard myself moan softly. I pulled Ben closer and kissed him, helplessly trying to keep myself under control and stop myself from pouncing on him like a starving lion. What he did felt so divine. God, he was so talented. At that moment, I wanted him so much that it hurt; his touch was frighteningly exhilarating. Ben set my body into unexpected vibrations as he pulled my underwear aside, found my most sensitive spot, and gently started rubbing it in a circular motion. I gasped out loud and clung to his shoulders. Tingly shivers rushed through to my pelvis, tormenting me sweetly. Moaning, my mouth glided from his lips down to his neck. A pleasurable tingling spread through me, and my breathing accelerated. I grabbed his shirt with both hands to keep myself from sliding off the desk, as all tension left my body. I concentrated only on myself, on this incredible feeling that gradually built up inside me and made my body tremble. Ben kept stroking me, flooding me with warm desire, making me feel like I was about to burst. Suddenly, my core contracted, I was throbbing wildly, while a hot flood of lust surged inside me. Never before had I experienced anything like this. I leaned with my forehead against Ben’s chest, unable to move, giving myself over to my own pleasure, enjoying Ben’s nimble fingers, which filled me with bliss and made my body sing.