Love Chaos

by Ute Jackle

  He kept up his rhythm, somehow knowing exactly how to touch me, at just the right pace and intensity. Every nerve in my body cried out for release—and then I exploded with a force I would never have thought possible. I could hear myself moaning while hot waves whipped over me like a stormy ocean. Only slowly did I get a grip on myself again. I was still gasping into Ben’s shirt, clinging to him tightly. Ben moved his hand away and stroked my back. His lips touched my hair, and I hugged his waist. We leaned into each other’s arms for what felt like an eternity, while Ben helped me recover from my internal explosion. So that’s what everyone was talking about. For the first time, I understood why people made such a fuss about having an orgasm. I couldn’t imagine a sensation more intense than this. I looked up.

  “That was incredible,” I whispered, and he smiled. Ben started kissing me again, like he couldn’t get enough of me. When I ran my hand inside his jeans, it was obvious that my sensual high hadn’t left him unaffected either. I hastily opened his belt buckle, unbuttoned his jeans, and slid my hand further inside, massaging him with gentle pressure and stroking his tip with my thumb. Ben struggled for breath and leaned his forehead against mine. His eyes darkened and he half-closed them, again and again pressing his lips to mine in helpless surrender, until he finally grabbed my wrist and gently pulled my hand out.

  “It’ll be all over if you keep that up,” he gasped.

  I laid my cheek against his chest and just held him, listened to his thundering heartbeat for a while.

  “What did Erdie’s mother whisper to you that day in the shop?” I murmured through our haze of bliss.

  “Don’t tell me you haven’t figured that out yet,” he joked, still sounding short of breath.

  “I’m just about to find out,” I giggled. He stroked my shoulders.

  “You’d really like to know, wouldn’t you?”

  “Tell me.”

  Ben kissed me again with a passion that electrified me, as if he had to make up for lost time. His warm lips caressed mine. He was the best kisser I’d ever known. Just as I was drifting into this wonderful pleasure, surrendering myself to him with all my senses, he muttered softly against my lips: “She said you’re the woman I’m going to marry one day.”

  I stopped mid-kiss, but Ben just went on kissing me as if he’d counted on my reaction.

  “And what do you think?” I asked, pressed against his lips, bracing myself for any possible answer.

  “That you’re the woman I’m going to marry one day.” He repeated it like it was the most normal thing in the world, and pulled me closer.

  I couldn’t help smiling. Suddenly, I was the happiest person in the world—I was never going to let Ben go. As his lips moved down to my clavicle, tiny stubbles scratched my skin, ratcheting my pulse up another notch. I buried all ten fingers in his hair while he traced a line down to my breast with the tip of his tongue and caressed my hardened nipples.

  “Sleep with me,” I whispered into his hair, and he raised his head. I was flooded with the desire for us to become one.

  “We have plenty of time,” he said softly, placing both hands on my waist. “It’s not my plan to get you into bed as quickly as possible.”

  “I know, but I want to feel you.”

  Ben kissed me again. His lips stroked my own, while he caressed me with both hands. The fine hairs on my thighs stood up when he reached under my skirt and pulled my panties off. I held onto the desk to help him. He slid the piece of lingerie down my legs and dropped it to the floor. Eagerly, I pulled him closer by his waistband while I ran my tongue up his neck.

  “Hold on,” he whispered, then straightened up.

  I brushed the tangled strands of hair from my face. Had I come on too strong? With one hand, he wrestled his wallet out of his back jeans pocket and fished out a red foil-wrapped condom. “I’m always very careful, and you’re not on the pill, are you?”

  I shook my head. Now, how did he know that? I had stopped taking it after my break-up with Ringo.

  He ripped the wrapper open, pulled down his boxers a bit, and slid the condom on. As if in slow motion, he bent over me and pressed his feverish lips onto my neck. Feeling the weight of his body on mine was just wonderful, and I leaned up closer to him. Everything inside me longed for Ben as he finally pushed into me and stretched me open. He paused for a moment as I got used to his size. Heaving a sigh, I closed my eyes while he began to move slowly.

  “Open your eyes,” he suddenly demanded, and I looked up. “I have waited so long for this moment, I want to see you come for me,” he said gruffly. He moved his pelvis a little faster, gliding back and forth inside me, and the intense eye contact made me panic for a moment. Oh, God, I was actually having sex with Ben. The womanizer. The sexy demigod. Suddenly, I was afraid I’d disappoint him, unsure what he wanted from me. He seemed to read my thoughts.

  “Relax, stop thinking for a minute, just look at me.” He rubbed my nipples with his thumb until they stood stiff and erect, sending another shiver of pleasure through my abdomen.

  His movements felt magnificent. Increasing in speed and intensity, they stoked my desire even more. I watched him as he looked at me. His face twisted slightly, his cheeks tightened, and the blue of his eyes turned completely black. His arousal ignited my own. I found it new and exciting to watch a man become more and more ecstatic because of me. His t-shirt clung to his chest, which heaved with every breath. A pleasant pulling sensation made its way into my stomach, releasing a load of endorphins, and suddenly my lower abdomen contracted around him again, while Ben pounded into me. I moaned loudly and clawed at his back. At first, it felt like I was falling, and then I was floating somewhere in weightless space, while my climax kept building up. My body was not my own anymore, and I arched my back, enjoying this incredible feeling with all my senses, clinging to him haplessly. Ben, too, was now panting loudly. His eyes never left mine, his intense gaze enhanced the rush inside me even more. Like tiny bolts of lightning flashing between our pupils, our passion shot up to a higher level. Finally, breathing heavily, we sank against each other. Ben leaned his forehead against my shoulder and gasped for air as I tried to get my wildly raging heartbeat under control. Sex with Ben was absolutely the most breathtaking and best thing I had ever experienced. I was left feeling both elated and like I wanted more. I wanted much more of this. A lot more, every day if possible.

  While still inside of me, Ben lifted his head. A euphoric smile appeared on his lips, then he kissed me and said softly: “That was definitely not a one-night stand.”

  Epilogue

  I looked around in my now almost empty dorm room, which suddenly felt bare and not very inviting. All my stuff was packed in boxes and suitcases, and stacked against one wall. A wistfulness crept over me. It was my very last day as a student. Starting on Monday, I would be entering the real world—with a regular job. Touching every single piece of furniture in goodbye, I ran a finger over the notch I’d carved into the bedpost. That was for Ben, a little joke at his expense. He had moved out almost six months ago into a nice apartment in downtown Nuremberg.

  “Looks like you haven’t added any more trophies to your collection over the last six months.”

  “Nope. Had my hands full with the leader of the pack.”

  Ben was standing behind me; he’d come to pick me up. When I turned around, he was there, casually leaning against the doorframe, looking all hot in his black suit and white button-down, no tie.

  He walked up to me and pulled me into his arms. “I hope so,” he muttered at my neck. His hot breath hit my skin, making me dizzy. I would have loved to jump him right then and there, but my knee-length black dress and complicated hairstyle held me in check. It was the day of my graduation ceremony.

  “Don’t ruin my makeup. Michelle worked on me for almost an hour.”

  He studied my face. “Well, there is—um—a lot of it. Why did she paint your eyes with all that gray?”

  I sighed. “It’s called smoky eyes, Mr. Co
untry Bumpkin. And it’s not paint, it’s makeup.”

  “You look really hot, but I prefer you natural.” His hands wandered up my waist, but I grudgingly stopped his advances. My stomach was humming. “Just a preventive measure,” I gasped and wriggled away from him.

  He cocked an eyebrow.

  The memory of Ben’s graduation party six months back was still more vivid than I would have liked; a lot of alcohol had flowed that day. Unfortunately, I hadn’t noticed the photographer taking pictures of everybody before putting the album online. I was in quite a few of them. It was a clearly documented account of my physical deterioration as the evening progressed. This was not going to happen to me twice, especially not at my own graduation party.

  “I’m wearing camo makeup tonight,” I explained with dignity. “Absolutely waterproof and alcohol-proof. It’ll stay on all night. I’ll look fresh as a spring morning if any photographers sneak up on me again.”

  He laughed. “You just need to be clever about avoiding them. Erdie and I weren’t in any of the pictures.”

  I patted his shoulder. “That’s because they were shooting above the tables, not under them.”

  He pinched me in the side. “We were still standing at the end, Darth Vader.”

  Before I could even think of a reply, he planted one of his scorching kisses on my mouth, one of those that made me melt every time and were absolutely addictive. Yeah, I admit it, I was addicted to Ben’s lips, a kiss junkie.

  “C’mon, let’s go,” he said against my lips. “We can take your stuff over to the apartment tomorrow.”

  I gave him a big smile, probably resembling a happy Buddha figurine, but I didn’t care. As of tomorrow, we’d officially be living together.

  * * *

  Hand in hand, we entered the great lecture hall of the Department of Organic Chemistry, where the graduation ceremony was to take place. Ben’s event had occurred at the Nuremberg Opera House. Obviously double standards were also prevalent at the university.

  A jumble of people were already gathered; students standing with their families in small groups, chatting. A tinge of melancholy crept into my heart. Apart from Ben, nobody was here for me today. Toby and Ellen were going to join us later. Caro and Martha were on a weekend love trip to a spa. They were getting along great now, and I was happy for them.

  My father hadn’t been able to make it over the big pond to see his only daughter receive her average diploma. Was I allowed to feel bitter? I thought so. Granted, I’d failed to go to the States to see him in August. One reason was Ben, whom I’d helped redecorate his new apartment. But in exchange, we were flying to Atlanta next week for a visit.

  The last six months with Ben had been incredible. Not only had he shown me a few tricks in bed that had lifted me straight up to heaven, but we also had so much fun together. Of course, he was still Ben, and often drove me crazy with his stupid jokes, but you can get used to everything, and, by now, I really enjoyed our little arguments.

  I spotted Rhashmi and Erdie in a corner, surrounded by a group of about twenty Indian family members of all ages. Undoubtedly, her family placed value on sticking together and being there for each other at important events.

  “Look who’s here,” Rhashmi whispered when we reached her, pointing her chin to the side. I followed her gesture and discovered Psycho-Johanna among a crowd of people. Martin was standing next to her and, strangely enough, had only eyes for her.

  Rhashmi giggled. “It looks like she’s got her Martin back for good.”

  I hadn’t spoken a word to that weirdo for all these months, and luckily, he’d made himself invisible in class. “He looks like he really worships her. Thank God.”

  Ben and Erdie were chatting about the soccer game they were missing, while Erdie kept discreetly checking the score on his phone. Toby came over, and looked at Erdie’s phone before even saying hi to me. Where was Ellen? She’d been notably peaceful in Ben’s and my presence over the past few months, so we’d decided not to make a big deal of it, for Toby’s sake.

  “Hey, Luca, life’s about to get serious.” We hugged. I was really happy to see him. Toby had also moved out of the dorm in August, and had found his own place in Nuremberg. Ellen was about to move in with him as well. I, on the other hand, had spent the last few months at the dorm in the company of a not very talkative exchange student from China and a theology student, who frighteningly reminded me of Johanna. I hadn’t wanted to rush into things with Ben right away, preferring to take things slow. And also, because he had only asked me to move in with him three weeks ago.

  “I am glad you could make it. Didn’t Ellen come with you?”

  My poor ex-roomie’s shoulders dropped. “She’s auditioning for a part in some stupid new soap opera in Berlin.”

  “Is she getting into acting now?”

  “It’s more like a cameo role. They’re looking for a model for a scene.”

  “Goooooaaal!” cheered Erdie, which earned him the evil eye from Rhashmi. And away Toby went, his bad mood all forgotten as he and the other guys discussed the score.

  Rhashmi turned back to her family, who were taking turns hugging and petting her. Her mother’s pride in her daughter was clearly written on her face, which somehow hurt my soul, even though I was really happy for both of them. Only—I would’ve also loved to celebrate with my parents today.

  Ben slipped his arm around my waist; he must have noticed me staring at Rhashmi.

  “We’ll celebrate with your father in Atlanta,” he whispered in my ear and kissed me on the lips.

  I smiled bravely and nodded, even though we both knew it wasn’t going to be the same.

  Erdie came to greet me with the obligatory swipe at my chin. “Hey, Shorty, looking good tonight.” He bent down. “But your eye makeup is a little smudged, though. Maybe you should fix that.”

  That made Ben laugh softly. “You’ve never heard of smoky eyes, you hillbilly?”

  “Smoky what?”

  “Lucrezia,” I heard a deep voice behind me call out, and spun around. Who dared to shout my stupid name out in public? My heart nearly stopped when I recognized the person in front of me.

  Rhashmi giggled. “Lucrezia?”

  “Dad!” I could not believe my eyes. “What are you doing here? I thought…”

  He spread his arms, his red-and-black striped tie hanging askew; his crumpled suit seemed to have suffered in the suitcase.

  “Surprise!”

  Tears welled up in my eyes, only the fear of ruining my smoky eyes kept me from crying on the spot. There was no way I was going to look like a raccoon when I accepted my diploma, so I swallowed them back and threw myself into his arms. He smelled of his usual Old Spice, and I soaked up his familiar scent; it felt like home. “I’m so happy you made it.”

  “I’m happy I managed to surprise you,” he muttered. “It feels so good to hug you again.” Then he broke the embrace and gave me a quizzical look. “I’d like you to meet someone,” he said after a heartbeat. Only now did I notice the attractive, middle-aged blonde woman standing next to him. Wow.

  “This is Grace.”

  That name definitely suited her.

  “Grace, I want you to meet my daughter, Lucrezia.” There was pride in his voice.

  I, on the other hand, was surprised. It was palpable how comfortable they were with each other.

  “Please, call me Luca,” I finally managed, shaking her hand.

  Smiling warmly, she said. “Nice to meet you, Luca.”

  We stood facing each other, me feeling uncomfortable and tongue-tied.

  “I love your smoky eyes,” Grace said eventually, studying my face. “You look beautiful.”

  “Thank you. It’s nice to meet you, Grace.” I decided to give her a chance. Never before had I seen my father this happy; his radiant face was unfamiliar. He was obviously doing great, and that was wonderful to see.

  My heart tingled with joy when I introduced them to Ben. My Ben. They shook hands, and my father
gave him a thorough once-over, as if he were recruiting him for the army. “So, you’re Lucrezia’s new boyfriend?”

  “Not so brand new anymore. I’ve passed my probation period so far.”

  My dad laughed, and I saw with relief that he seemed to genuinely like him.

  “What’s your major?”

  “Computer science. I work as an IT consultant now with Siemens.”

  My father seemed to approve of this. “So, you know your way around computers?”

  Ben didn’t bat an eye and nodded, smiling politely. “You could say that.”

  “My computer at home crashes all the time. Do you think that could be fixed?” My father launched into a consultation right away, and Ben tried his best to explain what the problem could be. The question marks on my father’s face grew bigger and bigger.

  “You know what? Why don’t I take a look when we come to Atlanta? It’s probably just a few outdated drivers that need updating.”

  My dad beamed. I could tell that Ben had just been upgraded to the position of “Favorite Future Son-in-Law Ever.”

  A voice echoed from the microphone, requesting everyone to take a seat. The front rows were reserved for the graduates.

  * * *

  After we had received our diplomas—and Martin, as expected, snatched up the award for outstanding achievements in the master’s degree class for Cellular and Molecular Biology, we moved on to the casual part of the evening, which consisted of a reception with a champagne bar and an eccentric band of professors playing live music. My dad and Grace joined us, and offered their congratulations. She was a genuinely lovely person, as I found out after we’d talked some more.