Begin Again: Allie and Kaden's Story

by Mona Kasten

  Dawn laughed, and even Kaden let out a chuckle.

  “I think you chose well,” Spencer said. Kaden just shrugged his shoulders and took another bite.

  “I can’t imagine life without pizza anymore,” I sighed after a while, and everyone laughed.

  “You have seriously never had a pizza before? I mean, that’s kind of weird,” Ethan wondered aloud. Monica gave him a light punch in the arm.

  “None of us is really normal, Ethan,” she said. “Just look at us. I’m fascinated by fingernails.”

  “I’m obsessed with red hair,” Spencer said, his mouth full. Dawn stiffened next to me. “I’m serious, if a woman has red hair, she’s ten times hotter in my eyes.”

  I laughed.

  “You’ve lost it, man.” Shaking his head, Kaden leaned back and wiped his mouth with a napkin.

  “What? Monica is right. None of us is really normal,” Spencer retorted. “You have relationship problems, for some reason Allie never ordered pizza, Monica loves nails, and Dawn … has red hair.” Spencer blinked several times.

  Everyone snorted with laughter except for Dawn, who was blushing.

  “I don’t have relationship problems,” Kaden said. “It’s my choice to avoid a relationship.”

  “Yeah, and look what you miss,” Monica chuckled, pointing to herself. “Exhibit A.”

  Kaden just rolled his eyes.

  “You’re an ass, but you know what? I still love you!” She jumped up and hugged him. He grimaced as she kissed his check and tried half-heartedly to disentangle himself from her.

  I wasn’t the only one who saw him smile.

  The following week I spent a lot of time with Kaden and his friends. Dawn always came over the moment her roommate was entertaining a man—which happened quite a lot—and we tried out all the delivery services in the area.

  Living with Kaden was getting easier. He even started letting me use his TV when he wasn’t there. And when he was there, he didn’t kick me off the couch, but let me stay and watch series with him.

  This afternoon we watched a superhero flick. In the morning I had finished my last literature exam, and to celebrate we ordered a huge box of sushi.

  The doorbell rang, and I jumped.

  “Are you expecting someone?” Kaden asked.

  I shook my head and got up, since he was still eating. I went to the door and peered through the peephole.

  No. No way. I caught my breath.

  It was my mother.

  Chapter 10

  It felt like ice-cold claws had encircled my neck.

  My knees were weak.

  My heart stopped.

  I couldn’t breathe.

  I jerked away from the door and pressed my back against the wall.

  “Bubbles?” Kaden called out and leaned toward the left on the couch, so he could see me from the living room.

  With wide eyes, I stared at him and shook my head vigorously.

  “What’s the matter?” he asked, his voice growing louder.

  I looked down at myself. In this condition, there was no way I could open the door.

  Kaden was instantly at my side, looking at me with a frown and then taking a look through the peephole.

  The bell rang again, three times in quick succession.

  “Is that … ” He raised both brows.

  “My mother,” I whispered and hoped he understood.

  “Crystal!” Her voice penetrated the closed door, muffled. An energetic knocking followed.

  This time my heart was still. Kaden would have to call an ambulance to revive me.

  “Crystal Allison Harper! I know you’re here. I located your cell phone signal!”

  With trembling fingers I tried to smooth my shirt. Kaden stepped forward and grabbed me by the shoulders. His eyes darkened as he studied my face intensively. He couldn’t have any idea what was going on here, but his gaze told me he understood I needed help.

  “Go change your clothes, take your time,” he said, thinking on his feet. “I’ll make her a cup of coffee or something.”

  I couldn’t speak, only nod. I kept on nodding. And nodding.

  “And you should do that in your room, Allie,” he said calmly and shoved me out of the hallway.

  My legs were heavy as lead, as I went into my room and closed the door.

  I looked at the room with Mom’s eyes and felt sick. She would hate it, I was sure of that. And she wouldn’t hesitate to say it, either.

  Furious, I tore off my jogging pants and slipped into a pair of jeans. I’d barely moved in here. I was just getting used to it. How could she ambush me like this?

  I heard voices in the hall but didn’t understand what was being said. As if in a trance, I put took a rose-colored blouse from my dresser, which I’d last worn in Lincoln. But then I paused.

  No.

  I wouldn’t dress up for her.

  I glanced in the mirror. And now a strange calm descended on me.

  I’d feel better if I could be myself, and I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of turning me back into the girl I used to be, just by showing up. I stuffed the blouse back into the drawer and kept on my Woodshill shirt.

  Now I just had to get my pulse under control. Sooner or later I would have to see her again. Now or in two months—what was the difference?

  My palms were sweaty as I opened the door and entered the living room. Mom was sitting with her back to me on the stool at our kitchen counter. Kaden was saying something to her but I was too nervous to understand a single word.

  “Hello, Mother,” I croaked.

  As if in slow motion, she turned around. I held my breath.

  On that face, so unnaturally rigid after many visits to the plastic surgeon, was an expression of pure horror.

  “Heavens, Crystal. Just look at you.” She sounded bewildered, as if she were seeing something extremely disgusting.

  “What do you mean?” I looked down at myself, surprised.

  “What did you do with your hair?” She continued, sliding off the stool. She rubbed her hands on her suit and stepped toward me, squinting. She took me by the chin and turned my head in both directions, then pulled on my streaked hair, sniffing. It took a lot of effort for me not to push her hand away.

  “Now, really. I expected more of you.”

  “I’m happy to see you, too, Mother,” I said, forcing out a smile.

  She clicked her tongue and walked past me to the sofa.

  I followed, keeping some distance. “To what do I owe the honor?” I asked.

  She crossed her legs and set her Chanel flap bag on the couch beside her. She sniffed again as she surveyed the living room. Then she stroked her finely blown-out hair. “You didn’t respond to my call. Your father and I were worried.”

  I laughed. It sounded more like a bark. “Oh, really?”

  “Don’t be childish, Crystal.”

  Every time she used that name, I flinched.

  “We believe that your trip to this … this town has been long enough. It’s time to stop this ridiculous rebellion.”

  My mind went blank. Did she honestly think I was planning to move back to Lincoln?

  Kaden placed a cup of coffee in front of my mother on the living room table. His jaw looked tense, as if he were holding back from getting involved in our conversation.

  “Look at you.” Her little finger extended, she took the cup without thanking Kaden, inspecting it first before she dare take a sip. “You are letting yourself go. How many pounds have you gained since you moved in here?”

  I swallowed hard and suffered in silence as she let her icy glare travel over my body. And then she spied the sushi plate on the table.

  “No wonder, with this junk you’re eating.”

  Kaden made an indefinable sound. Mom looked at him
with raised eyebrows, and I knew she was about to let her next attack fly. This time with Kaden as target. I interrupted.

  “Did you come here to judge my life, or do you have any news?”

  “Your father and I are expecting you home before Thanksgiving. Surely it’s not too much to ask, for our own daughter to take part in our annual benefit gala.”

  It took all the strength I could muster not to snort with contempt. “I will not give up my studies just because you think that this isn’t the right path for me, Mother.”

  She pursed her perfectly painted lips and tilted her head. “Eventually you’ll have to stop with this childish rebellion, Crystal. You have a legacy to be concerned about—like it or not.”

  “I don’t know how often I need to repeat this, but I’m studying to become a teacher,” I declared.

  “Oh, child. And I don’t know how often I need to repeat this, but you’ll have no future with that,” she said sharply, shaking her head. “You should be glad we’re paying your tuition.”

  My fingernails dug into my palm, so tightly was I clenching my fists. “That’s the least you could do, after everything you made me do for you!” I hissed, not giving a damn that Kaden was standing right there and heard it all. I didn’t care. I wanted her to disappear.

  “The least?” She scoffed, holding a manicured hand in front of her mouth. “You are so naïve, playing the victim when you know very well that—”

  “Be quiet,” I said, my voice trembling.

  “My own daughter isn’t going to bar me from speaking my mind!” Again, she smoothed her hands over her hair. “Believe me, Crystal. We have made the right decision. And now I’m going to do you another favor. Just look at this place. You are living with a freak!” She threw Kaden a contemptuous look. “I just want the best for you.”

  “You can insult me as much as you like, Mother. But leave my roommate out of it.”

  She smiled arrogantly. “How cute. You jump in bed with a tattooed thug and think you can just do whatever you want now. Listen, I didn’t fly all the way here just to-”

  She didn’t get any further. Kaden stood in front of me, his arms crossed in front of his chest. “I think it would be better if you left now.”

  My mother stared up at him. The smile didn’t leave her lips, not even when Kaden took another step toward her. She rose gracefully and reached for her bag.

  “Sooner or later you’ll be back home, Crystal. When everything goes down the drain, you’ll come crying to us and beg to be let in. Just don’t be surprised if your father and I aren’t prepared to catch you when you fall.”

  She surveyed me one last time, then disappeared into the hallway. A few seconds later I heard the front door clink shut, but that didn’t really register.

  I felt numb.

  My mother’s words rang in my head, even as I left the living room to hide in my room. I wished I could cry, but the tears didn’t come. Instead I felt this all-too-familiar emptiness inside.

  I didn’t hear Kaden enter my room. His face was in front of mine. I lifted my head. Everything around me was blurred. I felt cold.

  “Go,” I croaked.

  “Hey,” he said softly.

  My mouth was dry and I had to run my tongue over my lips a few times to moisten them. “I’d rather be alone now,” I whispered. I still felt pressure in my chest. My breathing was hard.

  He frowned. “I’m not leaving you alone in this state.”

  “Just go, Kaden.”

  “No.”

  “I told you to go,” I hissed, trying to turn away from him. He gripped my wrists.

  “Kaden!” I warned him.

  “I’ll leave this room when I’m sure you won’t hurt yourself.”

  I raised my eyebrows. “I won’t hurt myself.”

  “Nice. I’ll leave this room when I’m sure that you’ve forgotten every word that that … woman said.”

  I was pretty sure he would’ve picked another word to describe her but had used this neutral term out of respect for me.

  “And when you don’t look like a whipped puppy anymore.” Kaden stroked my hands with his thumbs.

  “I do not look like a whipped puppy,” I murmured.

  He edged closer and frowned. “Yes you do, Allie.”

  “At the most like a cat.”

  “Huh?”

  “I mean I would rather look like a whipped kitty. I am more of a cat person.”

  I noticed how Kaden’s presence made me relax.

  “Cats are sly,” Kaden thought aloud. “I think they don’t allow themselves to be whipped.”

  I laughed weakly.

  “So you’re doing better already,” he said, pleased. He grew serious again and held me tighter by the wrists. “Nothing she said is true. You know that, right?”

  His voice was soft but nevertheless urgent.

  I shrugged.

  “But she’s right!” I didn’t want to have this conversation.

  “Bullshit.” Kaden’s voice grew louder. “Everything she said was complete bullshit—what could you possibly agree with?”

  “I … I’ve gained weight!” I escaped his grasp and covered my face with my hands. Kaden’s fingers now rested on my thighs.

  “Okay, that might be true.”

  I peered through my parted fingers. “Thanks a lot.”

  “What? It’s just the truth.” He shot me a crooked grin. “I can see your curves now. It’s hot, Bubbles.”

  He pinched me in my side, and I hit him. He shrank back, laughing. Once more he leaned forward and inspected me closely. Then he nodded. “Now I can leave you.”

  With these words he stood and walked out of my room.

  I swallowed hard. Kaden had meant well, but I needed more than a few encouraging words to fill this emptiness that my mother’s visit had left inside me.

  And I knew of only one cure for that.

  Chapter 11

  I licked the salt on my wrist, tipped my chin up, downed the shot of tequila, then bit into a lemon slice. Snakebite.

  I couldn’t say how many times I’d repeated this ritual tonight. I could hold my liquor, and it usually took a while before it showed any effect. But now the walls were spinning. And I felt fabulous.

  “How does she do it?” Scott asked, looking across me to Dawn. I was sitting between them at the bar in Hillhouse.

  “No idea. Her liver must be made of steel,” my friend responded. A liver of steel. I snorted. I must have gotten it from my mother. After all, she had a heart of steel.

  I paused. If I could still think that clearly, I definitely needed another shot. I leaned over the bar and waved my hand. Within seconds the next glass was in front of me, and I raised it in thanks to the bartender. Thank God for their lax attention to age.

  “I want to dance,” I called out to Dawn and Scott after I’d tossed down the shot. I dragged them to the dance floor and began to move to the music. I was drunk and surrounded by friends. I’d feel better soon. At least so I told myself.

  After a while, Scott went off with a guy who seemed familiar, someone who was taking a course with me. Dawn and I joined a bunch of students, dancing with abandon. It was already after midnight when they asked us if we wanted to join them at a house party with other friends. We quickly agreed.

  Dawn had taken it a bit easier this night and did her best to make sure I got safely to our goal.

  Students were staggering around with red Solo cups in their hands in front of the entrance, and a sweetish smell floated in the air, hinting that not only cigarettes were being smoked.

  Our new friends introduced us to the host and then disappeared amid the swirling crowd. Music thundered from the speakers, so I dragged Dawn toward the makeshift dance floor at the other end of the room. I had to keep on dancing.

  “I’ve never seen you h
ere before,” a guy addressed me as we got closer. Right away, his friend started chatting with Dawn.

  “I’m a freshman,” I said, smiling, and moved to the music.

  “Want a drink?”

  I looked at him. He had beautiful green eyes and sandy hair, just a tad too long. As if he could read my mind, he shook his bangs off his forehead.

  I grinned. “Sure.” I said with a shrug, following him to a table crowded with bottles of beer and other mysterious liquors.

  “What’s your name?” asked the guy, handing me a cup filled with red liquid. I sniffed it and wrinkled my nose. Actually, I didn’t like sweet mixed drinks. But I’d make an exception today.

  “I’m Allie. And you?”

  “Brix.” He knocked his cup against mine. “Cheers to being a freshman.”

  We chatted a while, until he introduced me to a few more people. I laughed aloud at the jokes that Brix’s friends made, and I soon noticed that a pleasant warmth had spread through my body. No idea what was in this drink, but it seemed to have an effect. And as long as I could keep that emptiness at bay, it was okay with me.

  Brix and I went off to dance. He moved his hands up and down my body. It wasn’t strange or frightening. It felt good to let go.

  I didn’t know how we reached that point, but I started dancing on a table with another girl, one of Brix’s friends. She took my hand and we swayed together to the music.

  From the corner of my eye I saw Dawn talking on her phone near the entrance. She didn’t notice me waving her over to us.

  I closed my eyes and concentrated on the music. This was exactly what I needed today. I needed to be here, not in my room, where my mother’s words still hung over me like a poisonous cloud.

  When I reopened my eyes, I saw a familiar face below me in the crowd. With his set jaw and sparkling eyes, his tousled hair and three-day beard, he looked damn fine—but also incredibly dangerous.

  “Roommate!” I squealed and leapt from the table, which was a pretty major feat in my high heels. I landed right in his arms.

  “What are you doing?” he asked.

  I chuckled. “Dancing.”

  “Yeah, I saw that.” Kaden removed my arm from his neck. His tense expression brought me down from my high.