Sweet Dandelion

by Micalea Smeltzer

  Sage: Anything is fine.

  I exhale a deep sigh, laying the phone on the couch beside me.

  When I start to twiddle my thumbs after an episode of NCIS I decide enough is enough.

  Me: Since I’m grounded, does that mean I can’t leave to go to the library you told me about?

  Again, I have to wait for a response since he’s busy working.

  Sage: That’s fine. There’s money in the kitchen drawer if you want to get a library card. But DON’T do anything else.

  Me: Thanks. I won’t.

  With a groan, I get off the couch, shrug into a coat and put some shoes on.

  I’m not sure where the library is, but with a quick Google search I get directions. A short ten-minute walk later I enter through the massive double doors. My head swings back, my mouth dropping open as I take in the elegant marble tiling and rich wood. It’s elegant, but also somehow cozy, but I guess that’s largely thanks to the rows and rows of mahogany shelves and leather chairs dotted through the space.

  The first thing I do when walking in is sign up for a library card. As much as I would love to keep borrowing Lachlan’s books, after our kiss I don’t want to push my luck.

  The cheery librarian, a woman probably no more than thirty, passes me a freshly laminated card. “Do you need help finding anything in specific?”

  I shake my head. “No, thank you. I want to browse.”

  “That’s fine.” She flashes yet another smile and I head off, moving through the shelves, scanning the different sections.

  Brushing my fingers over the spines, I can’t help but smile to myself because I never would’ve imagined I’d end up loving to read like I have. I guess it took the right book, or maybe it took Lachlan.

  I let out a hollow sigh, hating that my thoughts constantly want to trail to him as of late.

  I manage to kill an hour of time, checking out with two books.

  Heading back to the condo, the chill sears through my body despite my layers. I hope one day I live somewhere warm. I might like to look at the snow, but the cold is too much for me.

  I flash a smile at Denny, the doorman, and hurry inside the warmth of the building. Rushing over to the elevators, I come to a dead stop when I spot Lachlan waiting for them.

  As if he can sense my eyes on him, he turns. He starts to look away but does a double take.

  I don’t miss the way his jaw ticks, eyes narrowed.

  He’s spotted me, so there’s no point trying to hide. I walk over to him, standing beside him as we wait for the elevator. Zeppelin isn’t with him and I can’t help wondering if he’s just got home.

  Doors of one the elevators glide open and we wait for a family to get out. Lachlan puts his arm out, keeping the doors from closing, and motions me in first.

  I do, standing in the corner holding the books tight against my chest.

  “Which floor?” He voices, his back to me. It’s impossible to miss the tension in his shoulders.

  “Eleven,” I whisper, biting my lip.

  God, this is awkward.

  He pushes the button and stays by the number pad, like he’s terrified to get near me.

  Clearing my throat I voice, “Your meeting … it wasn’t about me, was it?”

  He looks over his shoulder slowly, brows drawn. “Why would you think it was about you?”

  I give him a really? look. “I mean … we kissed.”

  He shoves his hands in his pockets, almost glaring at me. “Last I checked, the school didn’t have cameras installed in my apartment.” My lips part. “No, Dani, the meeting had nothing to do with you.”

  “Oh … okay.” I duck my head, hearing him let out a heavy exhale. My cheeks burn like I’ve been scolded.

  The elevator stops on my floor and I step off.

  “Dani?”

  I turn around, tilting my head to the side. “What?”

  He twists his lips back and forth, seeming to be warring about what to say.

  Before he can, the doors slide closed.

  I drop my head, letting out a sigh.

  It’s for the best. There’s nothing he or I can say.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  “You seem distracted today.”

  My head shoots up at Ansel’s comment. “I’m not.” I sound defensive, even to my own ears, but it’s only because I am distracted. By thoughts of Lachlan. I can’t stop replaying yesterday’s elevator incident in my brain. It wasn’t that he said anything particularly rude or hateful, it was the vibe in the air. It’s never been tense between us before, but it was then. A part of me knows I should regret the kiss, but I can’t. I can’t bring myself to regret something that felt so inconceivably right.

  “Sure you’re not.” He blows out a breath, his hand moving over his sketchpad. “Is it some project or something? Or…?” He lets his question hang loosely in the air.

  “Or?” It’s Sasha who perks up, looking from Ansel to me across from him with narrowed eyes.

  Ansel looks up at me apologetically. “It’s nothing, Sasha. Mind your own business.”

  I swear if she could breathe fire he’d be burned to a crisp. “You know what Ansel, you don’t always have to be such an asshole to me. It was a question.”

  He watches in shock as she gathers her stuff, running out of the library.

  I glare at him, picking my own stuff up. “Can you be nice to her? She likes you, you idiot.”

  His face contorts with horror. “She does not like me.”

  “Trust me, she does.” I throw my backpack over my shoulders and take off after Sasha, hoping I can find her since she’s already disappeared in the halls.

  I hear a noise in one of the restrooms and make a beeline for it.

  Inside I find her at the sink, her hands gripping the white porcelain. She sniffles wiping her nose on the back of her hand.

  “Go away, Dani. Please.” She turns the water on, washing her hands and splashing her face. When she sees me still in the mirror behind her she growls, “Go.”

  “Ansel is an idiot. I know you like him and I’m sorry he doesn’t see that.”

  She lets out an undignified snort, grabbing the paper towels to dry her hands. “All boys are. He’s completely oblivious when it comes to me.” She shakes her head and looks up at me with a smile that’s anything but happy. “He can’t see me when he only has eyes for you.” She waves a hand at me.

  My mouth pops open. “What do you mean?”

  “He. Likes. You.” She bites out the words like they grate on her throat.

  “That’s crazy. We’re just friends.”

  She arches a brow. “Now who’s the oblivious one?” My lips part again. Her shoulders tightening she lets out a shaky breath. “Go, Dani. Please.”

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper.

  Sorry. Such a useless word, but somehow always feels necessary all the same.

  “I can’t make him like me.” She shrugs like it’s no big deal. “It’s time for me to move on from this ridiculous crush.” She pauses, tilting her head. “How did you know I liked him?”

  I want to tell her it’s been obvious, but I think that might make her mad.

  “I pay attention.”

  She nods, waiting for me to leave.

  Reaching over, I squeeze her hand. She gives me a small smile in return.

  “You can always talk to me if you need to.”

  I finally leave her, because I know when I feel the way she does I like being by myself too.

  The bell rings and I groan. I didn’t finish my lunch since I ran after Sasha and I’m still hungry. But there’s nothing I can do about it at the moment.

  Reluctantly, I venture through the chaotic chatter filled halls. Reaching the long hallway that leads to Lachlan’s office, I skim my fingers against the white painted walls.

  My stomach feels leaden at the prospect of seeing him.

  I get halfway to his office before my feet won’t go any further. I stand there, suspended, unable to move forward. I do
n’t know what it is that holds me back. Fear? Shame?

  His words from yesterday pinball back and forth through my skull.

  “Why would you think it was about you?”

  I turn around, power walking back in the opposite direction. Each step taking me further and further away from him.

  I don’t know what he’ll think when I don’t show up. I don’t care either. Maybe he’s not even there.

  The halls are emptying, only a few stragglers like myself remain.

  I could go to the library, but I don’t. There are some common areas in the school, but I don’t stop in any of them either.

  Instead, I find myself venturing to the one place I’ve avoided the most.

  The indoor track field.

  The lights are dimmed since it’s not in use.

  I climb the bleachers, sitting in the middle, staring at the track.

  For the most part my whole life revolved around running since I was in middle school. I loved it. Running was my oxygen and I’m suffocating without it. It’s one of those things I try not to acknowledge much, because I’m sure people would think I’m crazy. I should be grateful.

  I can walk after all.

  Feed myself.

  Wipe my ass.

  But the one thing that was my whole world besides my family was ripped away that day.

  So much was stolen from me, and not running has angered me. Losing both parents before I turned eighteen, surviving being shot, seemed punishment enough. For what, I don’t know. But to lose running on top of it felt extraordinarily unfair.

  I suppose that’s life.

  Nothing is ever simple. Or easy.

  It’s all pain and heartache. Worry and fear. Stress and anxiety.

  If you have one sliver of happiness you have to hold onto it with everything you have.

  For some reason, my mother’s words decide now is the best moment to echo through my head.

  “My sweet, Dandelion. May you always be as free as the birds, as wild as the flowers, and untamed as the sea.”

  It’s what she always told me. From the time I was little, until it was the last words she breathed to me when she thought I was dying, but she was the one who died instead.

  I wonder what she’d think if she saw that I wasn’t free anymore, or my wild self, or untamed. I was always the girl who danced to her own beat, who smiled through everything, who lived.

  I don’t know how to do that anymore.

  I feel glimpses of it when I’m around Lachlan. It’s wrong for me to feel the way I do, but with him I feel seen for who I am, but felt for what I’ve endured.

  I rest my feet on the bleachers below me, my elbows on my knees, with my hands cradling my face in my hands.

  I feel exhausted, weary from the weight of the world around me.

  Sitting in the quiet, I try to stay grounded in the moment.

  Minutes pass in silence. It’s only me, my breaths, and the rhythmic hum of the building around me. It’s a sound you wouldn’t normally hear unless isolated by silence like I am. It’s almost like a heartbeat, the steady thrumming of the school.

  “There you are.”

  My head whips downward.

  I’m shocked to find Lachlan climbing the bleachers. His gray slacks are taut over his thick thighs with every step he takes. He has the sleeves of his white button down rolled to his elbows. Doesn’t he know this look is kryptonite to any female with a pulse?

  I look away from him, staring straight forward.

  I try to ignore the creaking of the bleachers, but it’s impossible when his warmth envelops me and he sits beside me. His legs presses against mine.

  “You didn’t show up.” It’s an accusation.

  “I didn’t.”

  “Why?”

  With more control than I think I have I slowly angle my head in his direction. “I didn’t want to.”

  He blinks at me. Those bright cerulean blue eyes of his seem to glow.

  Looking back at the track I mutter, “Why does it matter anyway?”

  “It matters.”

  I sigh. What a ridiculous non-answer.

  “I figured you didn’t want to see me,” I murmur, tugging on the sleeves of my powder blue sweater.

  He watches my movements and I stop, like they’re some tick that can give away some inner thoughts I’m not even aware of.

  He glides his fingers through his thick black hair. Clasping his hands together he gives me a peculiar look. “I always want to see you.”

  He pinches his lips together like he’s admitted too much, even his tone implies something he’s left unsaid.

  I always want to see you—but I shouldn’t.

  Shouldn’t might be the worst word in the English language. It implies not to do something, but is also opened ended.

  I shouldn’t be falling for my guidance counselor, but it doesn’t stop it from happening.

  I shouldn’t have kissed him, but I did it anyway.

  “You didn’t seem happy to see me yesterday.”

  He rubs his jaw, brows drawn together.

  “You have every right to be mad,” I continue, not looking at him. I can’t. Maybe that makes me a coward but I don’t care. “But I won’t take back that kiss for anything.”

  He stiffens beside me. When he speaks his voice is ice. So unbelievably chilly. “You think I’m mad because of the kiss?”

  My head snaps to him. “Aren’t you?”

  I might be young, but I’m not dumb. He was livid the next morning, cold, distant. Yesterday, too.

  He shakes his head, letting out a self-deprecating laugh. He stands, smoothing his hands down the front of his pants. I tilt my head up. “I’m not mad about the kiss. I’m not even mad at you. But I am livid,” his teeth gnash together, his hands fisted at his side, “at myself for liking it and wanting nothing more than to take you in my arms and kiss you again.”

  I gasp.

  “That’s why I’m mad, Dani.” The bell rings. “Show up tomorrow. I don’t like scouring the school for you.”

  He turns, his long legs carrying him away and down the bleachers.

  The door slams closed behind him.

  And still I sit, stunned into silence, frozen in place.

  Lachlan wants to kiss me again.

  Chapter Thirty

  “I think we should go out. You’ve been too quiet lately and…” I look up from my homework at Sage standing in the doorway of my bedroom with his hands on his hips. He blows out a breath. “And tomorrow is going to be rough for both of us.” He pinches the bridge of his nose. “It’s hard every day.” He mutters the last under his breath.

  “I’m doing homework.”

  I don’t want to go out, not when all I can think about is tomorrow being a year. I remember every day, but there’s something about the marking of a year having passed that seems so final in a way—as if death isn’t final already.

  Sage wets his lips, narrowing his eyes on me. They flick over me, seeing more than I want them to. “I think you need to go out.” His tone brooks no room for argument. I’m sure he sees the dark circles under my eyes from not sleeping.

  I close the textbook and uncross my legs. “Going out isn’t going to change anything.”

  His fingers tap against the side of his leg. “You can’t hole up in here forever, Dani.” His eyes study my room, my cold white room that has hardly any hint of personality.

  “I don’t. I go to school, remember?” I arch a brow. “Plus, I’m grounded.”

  He gives me an exasperated look, lips pinched. “You know what, consider yourself officially ungrounded.” My eyes lift to his with surprise. “It’s killing me seeing you like this,” he admits, his voice dropping. “I-I know I don’t help things. I’m rarely here and I … I don’t like talking about what happened.”

  “Even if you did I wouldn’t want to.”

  The tension in his shoulders ease a small bit at that.

  “Change your clothes, we’re going out for dinner.�
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  I sigh, knowing there’s no point in arguing with him further. When he sees me moving to get off my bed he gives one single nod and eases the door closed.

  I swap out my sweatpants and sweatshirt for jeans and a nice sweater. I even put on my nicest pair of boots. It’s silly, but I hope he’ll see that I’m putting in effort.

  When I come out of my room, he’s already by the door shrugging into his coat.

  “What do you want to eat?” He adjusts the collar so it lies flat.

  “Sushi?” I suggest.

  He grins. “Haven’t had that in forever. Sounds good to me. I know the best place. We’ll walk.”

  I wrinkle my nose, reaching for my own coat hanging on the hook by the door. “But it’s cold.”

  “It’s not far,” he promises.

  I pull my yellow mittens out of my coat pocket, slipping them on.

  We ride down in the elevator and I struggle to keep up with his long-legged stride as he crosses the lobby. I’m five-five, so not too short, but Sage is six foot and seems to get everywhere with only a few giant steps.

  We exit onto the street and I burrow into my coat.

  Sage lets out a laugh when he sees me. I probably look like a turtle attempting to hide in its shell.

  “Come on.” He tosses his arm out, draping it around my shoulders. He tugs me against his side, ruffling my hair. I should’ve worn a hat.

  When he smiles down at me, I see how forced it is.

  This is as hard for him as it is me. But he’s trying, so I have to try too.

  The sushi restaurant is only another block over from the condo. There’s a short wait before we get a table. We end up tucked into a back corner near the bathrooms. It’s not an ideal spot, but I’m starving so I won’t complain.

  “How’s school going?” Sage asks after giving the waiter our order.

  “It’s school.”

  He narrows his hazel eyes. “You can give me a better answer than that.”

  I pull the sleeves of my sweater further down my hands, wrapping my fingers around the edges to cover my palms. “Just trying to pass and get out.”

  “Are you still not sure about college?” He tips his head at the waiter when he sets down two glasses of water.

  Sage helped me fill out applications and I mailed out a huge stack a couple weeks ago.