Sweet Dandelion

by Micalea Smeltzer

  “No.” The one word answer floats through the air.

  He rests his elbows on the table. If mom were here she’d scold him for it.

  “I want you to go.”

  I sigh, pressing my lips together. I don’t want to disappoint him. “I know, but I have to make my own choices. I don’t know what those are yet.”

  This time he’s the one that sighs.

  “Look at you,” I continue, “I mean, you went to college and you have a job that makes you miserable. I’m not sure college is the end all be all.”

  Sage’s jaw tightens and I fear I’ve said the wrong thing. “Fair point,” he mutters.

  “Maybe I’ll go, maybe I won’t. Is it so wrong to live without a plan?”

  He cracks a small smile. “No, but you can’t live your whole life like that.”

  This time it’s him who has a point.

  “Life clips our wings,” I murmur softly, wiping condensation from the side of the water glass. “Everyone tells you to dream big, but then society does everything it can to keep you grounded.”

  Sage suppresses a chuckle and tips his cup at me in salute. “Welcome to adulthood. You’ve already figured it out.”

  “Are you happy?” I find myself asking him suddenly.

  My brother tilts his head, pondering my question. “I’m happy in moments.”

  “But moments are fleeting.”

  Moments are all I have with Lachlan. Moments, stolen glances, and nothing but a feeling of rightness.

  Sage stares into my eyes. “So is happiness.”

  I exhale a breath, his words hitting me straight in the chest like a punch. He gives me a sad look, like he’s fearful he’s let me down in some way with his answer. But I understand it. Happiness is brief and if it wasn’t then we wouldn’t understand the power of the emotion.

  Sage and I finish our dinner and head back to the condo. I still can’t bring myself to think of it as home.

  We’re almost back when I spot a giant brown dog straight ahead. My heart jolts, my steps faltering.

  Sage looks over his shoulder when he realizes I’m not beside him. “D?”

  I catch up with him and Zeppelin must smell me because before I can blink the big dog is trying to jump on me, Lachlan barely able to hold him at bay.

  “Hey, buddy.” I scratch the dog behind his ears. His giant tongue lolls out of his mouth. It’s like he’s giving me a goofy grin.

  “You know this dog?” Sage’s voice is gruff, accusing, as his eyes flicker from me to the dog’s owner.

  “Hi, Dani.” Lachlan’s voice washes over me like a crisp and cool running river. It’s melodic, and I shouldn’t like it so damn much.

  I straighten my shoulders, staring across at my guidance counselor. Before I can say anything I feel Sage wrap his fingers around my wrist. His hold is tight, but not painful. It’s like he thinks he might have to grab me and run.

  “How do you know my sister?” His tone is accusing and I’m sure his eyes are the same as he stares at Lachlan.

  Lachlan holds out a hand. “I’m Lachlan—Mr. Taylor. Dani’s guidance counselor.”

  Sage’s lips part with understanding and he grasps Lachlan’s hand, giving it a firm shake. “Oh, nice to meet you.”

  “Yeah, same.” Lachlan nods. I think seeing my brother has jolted him in some way. “We never got to have that meeting.”

  “Right.” Sage snaps his fingers. “Sorry about never rescheduling that. Work’s been insane.”

  “Understandable.”

  “Do you live nearby?” Sage asks him as I die inside. For some reason I don’t want him to know Lachlan lives in his building. I mentioned I had a friend that lived in the building and I don’t want him to put two and two together.

  As if sensing my thoughts, or probably reading the panic in my eyes, Lachlan clears his throat. “Yeah, not too far from here.”

  “Cool.” Sage nods. “We’re on our way home from dinner. It was nice meeting you.”

  “Mhmm, you too,” Lachlan hums, his gaze lingering on my bundled form.

  “Come on,” Sage urges me forward, “I know you’re cold.” He tugs me to the building.

  I look over my shoulder at Lachlan and Zeppelin. I thought he would’ve already started walking away by now, but he’s staring at me, his eyes narrowed, his expression tortured but thoughtful.

  I’m not cold anymore.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  The pillow muffles my screams. I wake myself up with them, my face damp with tears. I roll over and sit up, the sheets pooling at my waist. Pushing my hair out of my eyes, I wipe my face with the back of my hands. I can barely catch my breath. I keep waiting to hear Sage’s footsteps, fearing I’ve woken him. It wouldn’t be the first time. But a minute passes, then two, and three before I collapse back down. The pillows seem to swallow my small body.

  I glance to my side and the clock on my nightstand says it’s three in the morning.

  I won’t go back to sleep.

  Shoving the covers off, I climb out of bed, shoving my feet into my fluffy pair of black and gray slippers. Padding down the hall, I grab a bottle of water from the refrigerator. I greedily slurp it down, the plastic crinkling in my hands.

  I don’t know why I thought I could ignore this day, that maybe it would breeze on by and I wouldn’t even notice. But it’s like my body has sensed it coming. I rub the back of my neck. It’s sticky with sweat.

  I’m a mess. I shove the almost empty water bottle back into the refrigerator. I intend to lay down on the couch and put the TV on, but that’s not what happens. Instead, my feet carry me out the door, down the hall and up the stairs. I don’t even bother with the elevator.

  I hesitate for a second outside his door before I knock loudly with the heel of my palm. This is a bad idea all around. Things have been tense between us, but I need him. I need Lachlan to make the pain go away. I need him to hold me together, because I’m not strong enough to do it right now.

  I don’t hear anything, and I begin to worry that maybe he’s out. Lachlan isn’t even thirty yet. He’s bound to have a social life, one that keeps him out, and with women. God, the thought of it alone makes a lump form in my throat which is pathetic. He’s my guidance counselor, he’s eleven years older than me. I can’t be having these feelings for him or feel jealous over some imaginary woman he may or may not be with.

  Inside the apartment Zeppelin lets out a booming bark.

  I keep knocking.

  I nearly fall on my butt when the door is jerked open.

  “Dani?” Lachlan looks at me through squinted eyes. His black hair sticks up adorably like rumpled feathers I instantly want to reach up and smooth down. My hand even twitches to do it, but I catch myself. “It’s early, why are you here?”

  “I—”

  Clarity enters his eyes behind his glasses, all traces of sleep disappearing. “You can’t be here,” he hisses.

  “Please,” I beg, before he can slam the door in my face, not that I think he would, but the visual of it alone amps up my desperation. “I need…”

  “You need what?” He doesn’t say it hatefully, but I flinch anyway.

  I want to be strong enough not to need anything from him or anyone. But the fact is, I’m only one person and I can’t deal with all these emotions on my own. Besides, everyone should have somebody and for some stupid reason my heart has chosen Lachlan to trust and share my feelings with.

  “I need you.” I finally push the words out of my mouth.

  I stare at the hard planes of his bare chest, slowly skimming up his wide throat, stubbled jaw, and finally landing on those blue eyes that see too much.

  He raises one arm to the doorframe, resting his head against it. He lets out a ragged breath. His whole body shudders with it.

  “You can’t need me, Dani. You … can’t.”

  I grip my hands to keep from reaching out and touching him. “But I do.”

  He closes his eyes, his jaw snapped shut. He looks like he
’s in the worst kind of physical pain and I hate that I’m the cause, but still I don’t turn to leave.

  “You know what day it is, don’t you?”

  His eyes slowly swing to me, darkening with a sudden clarity.

  No, he didn’t know. But he does now.

  His shoulders fall and I can tell he’s lost the fight within himself.

  “Come here.” His voice is gravelly, low, and I feel it through my entire body.

  He reaches for me first, gathering me into his strong arms. We stand in the open doorway of his condo as he hugs me, pressing the right side of his cheek to the top of my head. My arms come up slowly, taken by surprise with this sudden turn of events. When I come to terms with the fact that he isn’t going to push me away, I wrap my arms tightly around him. The muscles in his back flex and a small groan rumbles from his throat.

  “I should have known,” he murmurs, and I swear he kisses the top of my head.

  “You forgot,” I accuse, my fingertips pressing against his naked back. I dig my nails in a little bit, selfishly wanting him to feel a tiny bit of the pain I live with every day. “Everyone forgets.”

  After all, the living very rarely like to acknowledge anything to do with death. They’re too scared of the finality of it.

  “I didn’t forget, but you took me by surprise. You shouldn’t be here.”

  “But I am.”

  He sighs. “But you are.” Not releasing me, he tugs me inside and closes the door. “Your brother?”

  I crook my head back to stare up at his tall frame. “Sleeping.”

  “He can’t find you gone.”

  “I know.”

  “You need to go back.”

  I tighten my hold on him. “No, not yet,” I beg. “Hold me a little while longer. He won’t wake up for a couple more hours, I promise.” He takes my face and looks down at me. His Adam’s apple bobs and he looks so torn. “Don’t make me leave.”

  He lets out a shuddering breath and gives a single nod.

  “You can stay,” he finally whispers, the words cracking as he says them. “Down, Zeppelin,” he scolds. I was so lost in the moment, in him, in my feelings, that I didn’t even notice the big dog rubbing against us.

  I squeak when my legs go out from under me and I find myself cradled against his warm chest with his arms around me. My arms automatically twine around his neck as he carries me. “What are you doing?”

  He arches a brow. “Carrying you?”

  “Why?”

  He bumps the door to his room open with his elbow.

  “Because you asked me to hold you.”

  I bite my lip as he lays me gently in bed. He climbs over my body, settling behind me. He pulls my back against his chest. I close my eyes.

  If this is a dream, I never want to wake up.

  Wrapped in Lachlan’s arms like this is the perfect kind of distraction.

  I wiggle against him, trying to get comfortable, and he lets out a groan. “Please, don’t do that.”

  “Why?” I ask.

  He lets out a chuckle that rumbles through his body. His breath blows gently against the back of my neck. “If I need to tell you why, then it’s all the more reason you shouldn’t be in my bed right now.”

  My lips part slowly. “Oh.”

  “Yeah, oh.” He sighs heavily, his arms tightening around me.

  A few minutes pass in silence save for our breaths, the whirring of a floor fan, and Zeppelin’s soft snores coming from somewhere behind Lachlan.

  “Your eyes were red. Were you crying?”

  “Huh?” My hair brushes against his arm as I turn my head to look at him over my shoulder.

  He sits up the slightest bit so he can look down at me. “When I opened the door, your eyes were red like you’d been crying a lot.”

  “Oh, y-yeah,” I stutter. “I woke up from a nightmare. I have them a lot, but this one was worse, I guess that makes sense considering it’s been a year today.”

  His dark brows draw together into one thick line. “You’ve never told me you have nightmares.”

  I wet my lips and give a small shrug, which is awkward lying down with his arms around me. “I tell you more than I tell anyone, but I don’t tell you everything.”

  It surprises me when he glides the large pad of his thumb over my lips, tracing the shape of them. “You can tell me anything, Dani.” He looks hurt by my admission that I keep secrets from him, even though he must know. I’ve only given him small tidbits of my inner most thoughts these last few months, like little breadcrumbs—enough to stave off hunger, but not enough to really survive on.

  “It’s hard to share the most shattered parts of ourselves, don’t you think? The thoughts, the memories, the pain … it’s all so jagged and cutting. I already have to hurt, I don’t want other people to hurt too.”

  He rolls his body so suddenly he’s not holding me at all. Instead, he hovers above my body, his hands on either side of my head like he’s doing a push up. He’s careful to keep his body from touching mine, but it doesn’t change the fact that we’re in a very compromising position at the moment. I don’t think he’s realized it yet, but I have. If I lifted my hips, I could line my center up perfectly with the outline of his dick through his sweatpants. The thought alone dampens my skin with perspiration. If Lachlan could read my mind right now, I have no doubt he’d grab me and shove me outside as far away from him as possible.

  “Did you ever think that by sharing more, then someone else could help you carry the burden? You don’t have to do it all on your own.”

  “I’m trying,” I whisper, my voice cracking, “with you. With other people…” I turn my head away, not wanting to look at him right now. “Like my brother … I saw in the hospital how anytime someone mentioned something about what happened, or me, or apologized for the loss of our mother, he … shut down. He already got stuck with me, I don’t want to burden him anymore than I already have.”

  With one hand, he brushes back my hair, his fingers lingering longer against my skin than necessary. “I’m certain you’re not a burden on your brother.”

  My lower lip trembles and I bite down on it, not wanting to cry. “It doesn’t matter. I feel like I am. And you,” I exhale a breath, my fingers shaking as I reach up to cup his stubbled jaw, “I don’t know why I’ve shared more with you than I have anyone else. It makes no sense.”

  I don’t know if he realizes it or not, but he leans into my touch, his eyes fluttering closed for a second. He opens them again, and even in his dark bedroom they’re a blinding blue. “Does it have to make sense?”

  I press my finger into the dimple in his chin. “No, I guess not.”

  Lachlan lowers his body the tiniest bit closer to mine and I hold my breath. It’s ridiculous how my eyes instantly go to his lips. I want to kiss him again. I want it more than anything, but I don’t dare close the distance between us. He’ll have to be the one to kiss me.

  With a groan, Lachlan falls back onto the bed beside me, gathering me into his arms so he’s holding me like before.

  “Do you want to talk about your nightmare?”

  I shake my head, inhaling a lungful of his delicious scent that clings to his pillow. “No. But I need to.”

  Lachlan doesn’t press for me to continue. He waits. He’s good at that—never pushing me, instead letting me work things out in my brain.

  Minutes pass in his dark bedroom, and his breaths go even behind me. I’m sure he’s fallen asleep, which is understandable at this early hour.

  “The nightmare always starts the same. I’m walking with my friends on our way to lunch. I see my mom, she’s on hall duty during this time. I wave at her and she waves back with a big smile. I get my lunch from the cafeteria and sit down with my friends at our usual spot. We’re talking about something dumb, the holiday break probably and what we’re going to be doing. That’s when we heard the first shot. We all looked around in surprise, the whole cafeteria went eerily silent. I think we all wondered if wh
at we heard was actually a gunshot. That’s when it happened again, and this time there was screaming.”

  I close my eyes, fighting the emotions as I’m transported back to that day. The fear still feels fresh today, settling in my stomach like a heavy knot. My throat constricts, like it did that day so I couldn’t even scream.

  “The alarms went off, and everyone started screaming and running. I saw my mom come into the cafeteria and I got up to go to her. It put me in a vulnerable position, in a more open area, and that’s when I got shot. Just before I reached her. The screaming got louder then. I dropped to my knees and my mom started crying. She rushed to me, grabbed me by the elbows and fell to the ground with me. There were more gunshots. And fear … I didn’t know fear had a taste, but it does. It was heavy in the air and coated my tongue—salty, metallic, it stung every time I swallowed.”

  I swallow now, squeezing Lachlan’s hand.

  “I thought I was going to die there as my mom held me. She did too.”

  My sweet, Dandelion. May you always be as free as the birds, as wild as the flowers, and untamed as the sea.

  The lump in my throat grows bigger. “But she died instead.”

  “It’s not a nightmare.” I startle at Lachlan’s deep voice reverberating against me.

  Recovering, I murmur, “No, it was my reality.”

  He doesn’t say he’s sorry. There’s no point to the word sorry, not in this situation at least. Instead, he squeezes me tighter, nuzzling his face into my neck. My heart jumps when he presses his lips affectionately to the crook where my neck meets my shoulders. “I’ve got you,” he hums.

  I hold his hand tighter.

  Don’t let me fall.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Somehow, I sneak out of Lachlan’s apartment without waking him. I leave a note on his pillow with a simple thank you.

  The chances of Sage being awake this early are slim, it’s before six, but you never know. I ease the door open, I hadn’t locked it behind me, and tiptoe inside. I pause, listening. When I hear nothing I close it gently and lock up.