The Queen of Diamonds

by Raven Cavalleu

  Nikki looked up and said, "Hey yourself." She looked down at Madison with a smile. "How's my favorite girl in the whole world?"

  Madison ran up to her and wrapped her arms around one leg. "Hi, Aunt Nikki."

  Dani guided her daughter to the kitchen table, and pulled crayons and a coloring book from her bag. "Why don't you sit here and color Aunt Nikki a pretty picture while we start dinner, okay?" Madison happily sat at the table and began to color.

  When Dani turned back to the counter, Nikki asked, "Where are Rachel and Alex?"

  "They're in the basement."

  "Trying to get out of helping I suppose?" She began to head around the counter and Dani stopped her.

  "No, Nikki, they're talking." Nikki looked at her sister with a puzzled expression. "She's been seeing Rachel several times a week."

  She stepped back as though she'd been slapped. "Why didn't she tell me?" She looked away embarrassed that her pain was evident. "I don’t understand."

  Dani reached out and placed her hand on her sister's shoulder. "Nikki, please tell me you're not falling for her." The truth shone in her eyes. "Oh, honey, please be careful. She's going to hurt you." She turned away and began to wash her hands. "For goodness sake, Nikki, she's straight."

  Nikki turned the water off and grabbed a towel before turning around. "I know what she is, Dani. Just leave it be, okay?" Dani knew any further discussion was pointless. With a nod she began to wash the potatoes.

  It was nearly forty-five minutes later when an emotionally drained Alex walked up the stairs and into the kitchen with Rachel on her heels. As Rachel sat beside Madison to see her latest masterpiece, Alex headed for the freezer. She pulled out a bottle containing a pale yellow liquid. Grabbing a shot glass, she quickly filled then drained it. After pouring her second glass, Nikki took the bottle from her and returned it to the freezer. "Thank you."

  "Can I speak with you a moment?" Nikki asked.

  "Of course." She drained her glass, set it in the sink, and followed her from the room. They ended up in the living room as Nikki stopped and looked out over the lake. Alex waited quietly for her to say something. She could tell Nikki was upset and was unsure how she was going to react. She clasped her hands together and bowed her head as she waited.

  Nikki turned and saw the submissive stance Alex had taken and her shoulders drooped. She walked up and stood in front of her, gently taking her hands. "Will you look at me please?" she asked. Alex raised her head and let her eyes settle on her shoulder. "Please." She slowly raised her eyes until they met Nikki's concerned gaze. "I'm not angry with you, Alex, I'm just confused and disappointed. Why did you keep your sessions with Rachel from me?"

  "Habit I suppose. I find myself doing things, and when I stop and think about it, I find I'm doing them out of fear. I'm afraid of the reaction they would have caused a couple of years ago." Alex looked away as she tried to explain. "Jo would have been angry and jealous of Rachel. Pavlov's dogs were conditioned by repeated doses of food and sound, I was conditioned by repeated doses of anger and violence. I learned to avoid angering her as much as possible. I know you are not Jo, and you've given me no reason to fear you. This is something I cannot control. I may never be able to, but I'm trying. I know I ask this of you frequently, but be patient with me, Nikki, please."

  Nikki raised one hand and cupped Alex's cheek. "I want you to be able to completely expunge her from your life, and be free of her once and for all. I hope Rachel can help you do that."

  Alex placed her hand over Nikki's. "You're helping too." She placed a kiss on her palm. "How about we go visit with our guests?"

  After dinner was consumed and cleared away, they sat in the courtyard talking. Rachel sat in one of the padded lounge chairs, holding a sleeping Madison, as she watched the lively discussion between Dani and Alex. They were sitting together on one of the benches discussing friendship and what it really meant. "What about your friend Emily? Did you ever fix things with her?" Dani asked.

  "No. She came over last night and I told her that we couldn't keep going on with the way things were. It wasn't healthy." Dani sat back with a surprised look on her face. "She wanted more from me than I can give."

  Alex looked up when Rachel asked, "What did she want?" While looking at Rachel, she failed to see the look Dani gave Nikki.

  "She wanted me to be someone I'm not, and she was clinging to the hope we could be more than friends." She shrugged as she blinked back tears, refusing to let them fall. "It was time to put an end to that fantasy."

  Dani turned on the bench to face her. "So, I guess that means you're straight?"

  Alex turned and looked at her with an unreadable expression. "Still trying to find an answer to that question?" She gave her a small smile before looking between Rachel and Nikki. "I guess it's time to let you in on a little secret, Dani. I'm gay."

  "Right."

  Alex frowned. "Let me ask you a question. I've always been intrigued by identical twins. Is it genetics that make you who you are or is it experiences?"

  "How would I know?"

  Alex looked at her thoughtfully. "Well, you and Nikki are obviously identical twins, so you have the exact same genetics right?" Dani nodded. "Okay, but you've lived apart for a long time and had completely separate experiences right?" She slid closer and cupped Dani's cheek, caressing it slightly. "So tell me, Dani, do you kiss as well as your sister does?"

  Dani pulled away quickly and jumped to her feet. "What the hell?"

  Alex held her hands up in a show of surrender. "It was just a question." She stood and walked over to Nikki. "Nikki has the most amazing lips and knows exactly how to use them. I just wondered if it was purely genetic." She shrugged. "I guess I'll have to find another set of identical twins for my research."

  "You wouldn't dare," Nikki growled.

  "Give me a reason not to," Alex quipped. She gasped as Nikki reached out and pulled her into her arms. She slowly lowered her head and captured her mouth. Alex reached up and slipped one hand into the curls on the back of her neck as she pressed her body against Nikki's. She took a shaky breath when she finally pulled away. "That's a good reason, mia cara." She carefully stepped out of Nikki's arms.

  "Okay. Well, I believe you now because there is absolutely no way to fake that," Dani said with a smile as she watched Alex attempt to regain her composure.

  Alex placed a chaste kiss on Dani's cheek before saying, "Please excuse me for a moment." She stepped through the open door into the kitchen and leaned against the wall beside the door.

  As she closed her eyes she heard Dani say, "Why didn't you tell me?" She held her breath as she waited for Nikki's response, and smiled when she heard, "Because it is not mine to tell, it's hers." Hearing a noise, she opened her eyes to see Maria watching her.

  Knowing they could be overheard just as easily, Maria spoke softly in Italian. "Why are you eavesdropping, darling?"

  With a shrug she replied, "It wasn't my intention, Mamma, but once I heard the question, I needed to know the answer."

  "Was it what you wanted to hear?"

  "Yes." She looked at Maria with a lopsided grin. "I think maybe I'm in trouble." Maria raised her eyebrows in question as she quietly waited for her to continue. "I think I'm in love, Mamma." She watched as Maria's eyes lit up and a smile split her face.

  "Why is that trouble darling? She is good to you, yes?" Maria asked.

  "Yes, she is good to me. I just don't know if I am ready. Is it too soon? I've only known her for a few weeks." She pushed off of the wall and walked over to stand next to Maria.

  "Time is of no importance to the heart. It knows when it knows."

  Nikki watched as Alex moved through the kitchen speaking to Maria in Italian, their voices carrying on the evening air. As the conversation inside grew quiet, she turned her attention back to her sister. "I was thinking about having a small get together next weekend for our birthday. What do you think?"

  Dani looked at her sister with a surprised expression. "Really
?" she asked. "I think that would be great. What exactly were you thinking?"

  Nikki watched Alex walking towards them and gave her a smile. "I was thinking about cooking lunch and keeping it simple. Just the four of us." She looked between Rachel and Dani before tentatively adding, "And Mom and Dad." She watched as Dani opened her mouth, and then quickly snapped it shut without making a sound.

  Alex sat down on the bench beside Nikki and said, "What did I miss?"

  Dani turned startled eyes towards her and said, "My sister just informed me that she is planning a lunch next weekend for our birthday."

  Alex's surprise at the news was obvious. "Your birthday?"

  "Yes. That sounded lovely until she said she is inviting our parents." Dani turned back to Nikki and said, "Why on earth would you want to do that?"

  "It's been years, Dani. Surely we've all grown and changed. Maybe we just need to give each other another chance." She looked down and picked at the inseam along her knee. "Part of me still misses them. I'm hoping they feel the same way, and maybe their hearts will melt when they see how wonderful Madison is."

  Dani began to shake her head as she clenched her fists. "No, I will not let them anywhere near my child."

  Alex stood and with an emotion choked voice said, "You should reconsider. Every child deserves to know its family. Good or bad, they need to know where they come from." She quickly walked towards the western wing of the house, disappearing through the door.

  Nikki asked Maria to watch over Madison, and they quickly followed. She unlocked the door, and held it for Dani and Rachel before opening the door into the room containing the indoor pool. She ignored the exclamations of surprise and went directly to the edge of the pool. She noticed Alex had the current turned up at a much higher rate than they usually swam in, and was concerned. She sat at the edge with her feet in the water and waited. She watched Alex slip under the water and fall back several feet. As she reached down to push off into the water, she saw her resurface and surge forward. "Alex, do you need me to slow it down?"

  Alex pushed her body hard as she tried to fight through the anger to the pain it concealed, for she knew that only then would she be able to begin the healing process. After swimming for several minutes, she went under a second time. As she struggled against the current, she felt her anger dissipate. She stopped struggling, and allowed the current to push her to the back wall, where she hit the emergency stop button, shutting the current down. She gasped for air as she surfaced, leaning against the wall for support. She looked to her right and saw Dani and Rachel sitting on the decking with their feet dangling in the water.

  She slowly swam over and looked up at Dani, gasping for breath. "I realize it's none of my business, but I have to say this." Dani nodded as she watched Alex's pain filled eyes turn and look at Rachel then quickly return to hers. "Do you believe seeing your parents will physically or psychologically harm Madison?" Dani took a deep breath and slowly shook her head. "Then why are you withholding their love from her?" She watched Nikki move to sit beside her sister. "My mother and my grandparents made a decision long before I was born that has affected me every day of my life. Their anger deprived me of ever knowing my mother's family. So instead of going to live with them when I lost my immediate family, I was thrown into the system, and lived in more than forty different homes in fourteen years." She saw Dani's eyes widen as they filled with tears. "You never know what tomorrow may bring, Dani. Don't risk it. It's not worth it. Trust me." As the tears began to roll down Dani's cheeks, Alex swam to the side of the pool and pulled herself out.

  Alex felt her own hot tears as they ran down her cheeks. She limped over, turned the shower on, and stepped under the flow of water to wash away the chlorine and tears from her skin. Turning the water off, she felt Nikki step up behind her and wrap a towel and her arms around her. "You're going to get wet if you’re not careful."

  She heard the smile in Nikki's voice when she whispered, "What's new?" Stepping out of Nikki's arms, she turned to her with a confused expression. "You always get me wet, Alex."

  She reached out and gave Nikki a shove as she felt the heat rise in her cheeks.

  Before Nikki could respond, Dani walked up to Alex and pulled her into a hug. "I'm sorry, I had no idea."

  "It's okay, really." She stepped back and looked at her three new friends. She was a little surprised at how quickly they had become important to her. "I've never told anyone before, not even Jo or Emily, but you needed to know so you could understand the effect your decision could have." She gave Dani a look that conveyed an understanding of the pain life could bring. "Just remember that they are human too. Try to put aside your differences for Madison's sake." Dani nodded and wiped a tear from her eye.

  Nikki cleared her throat and Alex looked her way. "Now that we have that out of the way, how about you put some clothes on and we go back outside?"

  Alex batted her eyelashes as she gave Nikki a sultry look. "But I thought you liked my bathing suit." She slowly dropped the towel to the floor, revealing her well-toned, curvaceous body. She watched Nikki's eyes as they moved downward with the towel. Her gaze was like a caress across her skin as it was revealed inch by inch.

  Nikki swallowed as the towel hit the floor. "Oh, I do. I'm just not sure how I feel about other people seeing you in it too." Alex quickly wrapped herself in the towel, grabbed her clothes, and hobbled to the dressing room with her head bowed. As the door closed softly behind her Nikki whispered, "Shit."

  Dani stepped up beside her and bumped her shoulder as she asked, "Are you really jealous of Rachel and me seeing Alex in her bathing suit?"

  "No. It's hard to explain."

  "Why don't you give it a try?"

  She frowned as she thought about what was really bothering her. "She is breathtakingly beautiful, and I would be proud to take her anywhere and tell everyone I meet that she's mine. Not in a possessive way, but just proud that, out of all the people in the world, she chose me. There would be no jealousy because I would know that she wasn't interested in anyone but me."

  Dani smiled as Nikki revealed the depth of her love. "So why aren't you screaming it from the rooftops?"

  Nikki looked at her with traces of pain in her eyes, and her feelings of joy slipped away. "She's not mine. I can only hope that she will be one day."

  "You mean you two haven't…" Nikki shook her head. "It's obvious you have chemistry, so what's the problem?"

  They were all startled when Alex answered from several feet behind them. "Trust, or my lack thereof." She walked over and hung her suit and towel from one of the hooks near the shower.

  Dani crossed her arms over her chest and scowled. "You mean you don't trust Nikki?"

  The only sound in the room for several moments was the steady dripping of water as it fell from the wet bathing suit to the tile floor. When Alex finally looked up, her pain was clearly visible. "I don't trust anyone, least of all myself." Without waiting for a reaction, she turned and headed for the door.

  Rachel knew that she had made progress, but was just unable to see it. "That's not true, Alex. You've—"

  Alex held up her hand, halting the next words from Rachel's mouth. "Can we talk about this later, Ray? I really don't think I can take much more tonight."

  "Of course."

  As they turned off the lights and exited the building, Dani stepped up beside Alex and asked, "Do you mind if I ask you a question?" With a sigh of resignation Alex shook her head. "Why do you call her Ray?"

  As she tried to decide if she was going to answer, she heard Rachel speak up from behind her. "Because she trusts me." As what she said hit home, Alex stopped abruptly, nearly causing a collision with Dani. She slowly turned around and looked at Rachel. She saw Rachel's look of support and understanding, and realized that it was true.

  She slowly nodded and with a deep breath said, "Thank you."

  Rachel walked up and pulled her into her arms. "You don't need to thank me, you did that all on your own." She pulled away
slightly in order to look into her eyes, ensuring she got her point across. "You chose to trust me before we started working together. I think you trust Dani and Nikki more than you realize too. We'll talk about it more on Monday, but I want you to think about it." With a dip of her head, Alex agreed and they continued over to the small seating area where Maria waited with a still sleeping Madison.

  Maria watched her closely as she made her way over and sat down beside her. She reached out and lightly rubbed her arm. "I'm glad to see you have friends that are good to you, and can help you through these troubling times, darling. I have prayed for this for many years now."

  Alex turned towards her, and placed her head on Maria's shoulder. "Thank you, Mamma. I'm lucky. They're good people."

  Maria placed a kiss on her forehead and said, "They're lucky to know you, darling. You're good people, too." With a tender pat on her knee, she stood and excused herself for the evening.

  Nikki took advantage of the recently vacated spot, and sat beside Alex. "Still feeling the need to hide things from us, or do you not realize you are doing it?" At her inquiring expression she elaborated with, "The conversations in Italian."

  "Sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it anymore. I no longer have to think about it, I think in Italian as well as English now. Sometimes I do it because there are some things that I'm just not ready for you to know, mia cara." She reached down and entwined her fingers with Nikki's as she turned to listen to Dani.

  Dani tried to give her sister and Alex some semblance of privacy by turning her attention to Rachel. Deep in conversation with her wife, she failed to notice when their conversation ended. "By the way, I meant to tell you earlier, you're going to have to get me a different birthday present after all. I received a notification that the book I wanted has been delayed. It looks like you'll have to go shopping."

  Alex smiled as Rachel's shoulders sank. "I'd be happy to accompany you, Ray." She couldn't help but chuckle at her grateful smile. "You wanted a book for your birthday? Seriously?"