Riding for Redemption

by Bonnie R. Paulson

  Sara Beth waited for him to settle into the chair. “I’m going to be blunt, because that’s how I am. Why are you here?” She almost winced at the rudeness of the question, but seriously, she needed to know.

  His low chuckle caused a hum to course through her skin – almost strong enough to loosen her IV. Okay, not that strong, but Sara Beth could imagine his effect was almost as earth-shattering as that. “You are blunt. I like that.”

  “You haven’t answered.” Sara Beth arched her eyebrow. Guys who played games usually had something to hide. She didn’t want him to leave or even turn the questions back on her. “Before you try to get out of it, I want to say that I’m waiting for doctors or nurses to come in and I’m blatantly using you to occupy my thoughts...” She waved impatiently toward her legs, careful to control the catch in her voice that hitched her breathing. “From this.”

  He rested his hat on his lap and leaned back to place his elbows on the armrests. “It’s more involved than just a twenty minute phone call. You sure you want to hear this?”

  The way he spoke had more of a calming influence on her mind and a cataclysmic rumbling on her insides. She definitely wanted to hear anything he would say – even if it was a recitation of a grocery list.

  Sara Beth would deal with her legs later, because with how tired she was, she couldn’t face what may or may not be a permanent problem. And listening to Johnny just might keep her mind on other things.

  Johnny

  Chapter 6

  The chair welcomed Johnny like one of its own. The squishy cushions made it easy to understand why the sister had fallen asleep in the seat. He leaned back and rested his ankle across the opposite knee. Yawning, he softly slapped his cheeks to wake up.

  Sara Beth lifted her hand, palm up. She giggled just enough to take the edge off her words. “Are you comfortable?” Her tone was teasing, but slight desperation suggested he start talking.

  He grinned. “Very. Alright, you asked why I’m here.” He pushed at the thick black leather hat band on his Stetson, careful to straighten any edges his fingertips encountered. Pausing, Johnny considered his options. What did he do? Spill his life’s story to a girl he didn’t know? Give her the honeyed version and act like he had nothing to share?

  Slightly narrowed eyelids, Sara Beth watched him with an unwavering blue gaze.

  Johnny shrugged just enough to convince himself of his nonchalance about the topic. “Okay. Well, I haven’t told anyone, but who are you going to tell?” He winked. “You’re not going anywhere.”

  Sara Beth’s mouth fell open and she scrunched her pert nose. Huffing, she exaggerated her shocked expression. “Well... Uh... I can’t believe you just said that.” She crossed her arms, a half-smile turning up her softly mauve lips. “To apologize, you will sneak me in some ice cream. And not the cheap stuff. I want some with nuts and chocolate chunks.”

  “Who said I’m coming back?” Johnny held back the chuckle. The woman was a minx, but he’d had more fun in just a few minutes than he’d had in a long time.

  Pushing her long blonde hair over her shoulder, Sara Beth tossed her head. “I am. Especially when I’m going to tell everyone you made fun of a crippled girl.” She arched her eyebrow and slapped her hand on the pale sheet folded over the wool blanket.

  They laughed until their voices faded into comfortable silence. Her humor dimmed and she pointed toward his chest. “You were going to tell me why you’re here.” She swallowed, fidgeting with the cord to the television control.

  He startled from watching her graceful fingers. “Of course. I’m here because I... well, I’m a little embarrassed to say this. You’re the first one I’ve actually told.” He cleared his throat and shifted in his seat. “I am on suspension from the family business because of... well, to put it delicately, because of some choices I made. It’s ridiculous really.” Johnny tapped his fingers on the arm of the chair.

  Brow furrowed, Sara Beth held up a hand. “Wait a minute. You’re not Mayfair as in the Montana Mayfairs who own Wrangling Montana, are you?”

  Sighing, Johnny rolled his eyes. He’d never understood why his family’s name defined Montana like cowboys and ranches – as if just saying 'Montana Mayfairs' a person would know exactly what you were talking about. “Yep. That’s my family and the business I’ve been kicked out of.”

  “Michael had to prove himself to his grandpa. He worked at a ranch on the other side of Clearwater County to prove himself to his family so he could take over the... yeah, sorry, this isn’t about him. Go ahead.” She folded her hands in her lap and closed her mouth.

  Johnny did actually laugh at that. The tightness in his chest that she’d want more information eased. Even if she did ask more questions, he had the distinct feeling she wouldn’t judge him on the truth. “I understand. Yeah, proving ourselves is what Montana seems to be all about. Don’t you have to prove yourself to your parents?”

  Sara Beth set her jaw. The blue in her eyes darkened. “My parents are dead. This is about you. Go ahead.”

  Embarrassed by the insensitive question, Johnny didn’t delay. “I worked for my uncle on the Circuit while doing an internship for college. I wasn’t there six months and a contestant for Miss Wrangler Montana and I...” He half-shrugged, trailing off. What did he call it when the feelings weren’t mutual?

  “You fell in love?” Sara Beth watched him, eyes wide, lips slightly parted. She resembled a painting he’d seen once of a young woman crossing the mountains on a horse. Innocent and full of wonder.

  He pressed his lips together before answering. “I did... I thought. She was only in it for the chance to win. There’s an autonomy thing associated with MWM and apparently she thought she could earn it by dating family.”

  Blowing air out at Johnny’s revelation, Sara Beth offered a sympathetic pout to her lower lip. “I understand that. I want to run for Miss Wrangler so bad. I’ve been working on my maneuvering and even social relations. I—” Her legs caught her attention. She spread her hands over the tops of her thighs, her excitement disappearing under a mask of sobriety. “I guess that’s all over now, though.” She waved her fingers at Johnny, muttering as she looked down. “Go on.” An odd strangled sound wrapped around her words.

  “Well, there’s nothing much more than that.” He tried giving her privacy to collect herself, but there were only so many places to look in the small room.

  She cleared her throat. “That was your ‘long involved story’? You better be lying because that was horrible and barely worth my time.”

  Johnny snapped his gaze back to her face in time to catch her wink. He pursed his lips. “You’re right. The meat of the story is that while Lisa and I never promised each other forever, I thought she at least loved me.”

  “Did you love her?” Sara Beth studied him, like his answer meant the difference between her walking again or not.

  He pondered the question. Had he loved Lisa? He hadn’t even known what love felt like. If loving someone meant you couldn’t do anything without having your balls ripped off – figuratively speaking of course – then he’d probably be better off not being in love. He nodded, but only enough to appease Sara Beth’s need for an answer. “I think so. Maybe?”

  She laughed out loud and Johnny couldn’t help but stare at the change that came over her normally stoic countenance. “That sounds like ‘til-death-do-us-part love, right there.”

  “I never thought of it that way.” He opened his hand toward her. “Have you ever been in love? You’re such an expert.”

  Her face softened and her gaze fell to her knees. “No, but when I do, it’s going to be the forever kind and I’m going to know instantly, like lightning, you know? I won’t be able to deny it or hide from it. And it’s not going to be mean or hurt me or anyone else. I’ll live for it.” She looked up, reaching for a chunk of hair and twisting it around her finger. “I’m sorry. You probably think I sound like an idiot.”

  “Actually, you sound like you know what you want
. That’s admirable. Not many people do.” He watched her in case the woman with true delight showed up again. That Sara Beth needed to come out more. “Why do you want to be a Miss Wrangler girl?”

  “For the autonomy.” She grinned and continued. “No, I want to travel around Montana, get out on my own. I’m sick of living with my sister and her boyfriend.” She shook her head.

  “That would be tedious. The Circuit isn’t year round, right now, though. What would you do during the off-season?” He lowered his ankle and rocked from side to side on the seat for better positioning. The dang cushions were trying to breed with him.

  “I honestly don’t know. Maybe work in Missoula or further south? Or I could work on the reservation. I have friends up there. There’s a lot more to this state than just this small part.” She lifted her chin. “My main dream though is to just be around horses – all day, every day. Training them is the main goal.”

  The dream was a good one. Johnny clucked his tongue, more impressed than he wanted to admit. “Sounds like you have it all figured out. I have to say, you’ve moved your dream from dreams to goals. Next you’ll have to move them from goals to plans. Make them work for you.”

  “Yeah, right, because I’m going to be walking across the pageant floor?” She watched her toes as they tented up under the blankets. “I’ve lost more than just my legs here.” She shrugged again. “Oh well, right?”

  Her tears confirmed her lie.

  Johnny leaned forward in his chair and reached for her hand. Enclosing her fingers in his, he stared at her face until she met his gaze. “I’m sorry this happened. I don’t know, if it was me or not, but you have to know that I...” His throat tightened. “I’m sorry.”

  Squeezing his fingers, Sara Beth held his gaze. “I remember rolling myself off the log after I fell on it. I’m more to blame than anyone. This was my fault.” She let go of his hand and retreated to a safe distance. She rolled the hem of the hospital blanket between her fingers.

  A long drawn out silence stretched between them.

  Sara Beth broke it with a hushed whisper from trembling lips. “What if I can’t walk again?”

  The question bore asking. Valid and more than fair, the need to know would pull at Johnny, if he were in her shoes. He could only imagine how torn up Sara Beth was. But she didn’t need him to coddle her. Coddling never helped anyone.

  “What if.” No question. He’d be damned before he’d let her wallow for long. Something about the way she’d trusted him under that log nagged at him. He couldn’t let her down. She was stronger than self-pity. He could see it. She had to see it as well.

  She lifted her wet eyes and tears drifted down her cheeks. “What do you mean by that?”

  “I mean, what if? Okay, you can’t walk again. You think you’re the only person in the world unable to walk because of an accident? You’re not even sure, if this is permanent.” He maintained a firm tone, unwilling to let her seek out any weakness in herself. “Look, you take it a day at a time. Do the things the doctors set out for you to do and you’ll be fine – walking or not.”

  “Yeah.” But she didn’t sound convinced.

  “I think, Sara Beth, you need to ask yourself if settling is an option.” He flipped his own self-motivational dialogue around on her. Asking her the personal questions he constantly asked himself and never lived by.

  He was most likely the worst hypocrite in the history of ever.

  “What about you? Do you think you’ll return to the Circuit?” She stiffened her shoulders and blinked rapidly – probably to stop any possible tears from spilling.

  He clasped his hands in his lap. “Well, I need to get another job. That’s actually why I was out at Rourke Ranch. I was going to call in a favor from the Rourkes. See if I could work there for a while. At least until things get figured out with the Circuit.” He twirled his thumbs around each other. Then he lifted his gaze. “Hey, have you ever played Thumb War?”

  “Yes, and I’m a champion.” She leaned forward, stretching out her hand to his. The small rosebud tinted tip of her tongue poked from the corner of her mouth. Distracted, Johnny took her hand in his and watched as her tongue slid across the lower curve of her lip. She pinned his thumb. “I win. You kind of suck at this game.” She pursed her lips.

  “What? Best two out of three.” Get in the game, man. “I should probably go soon. I wouldn’t want to give you any wrong ideas.” Only half-joking, he scraped the floor with the chair legs to get closer to the bed. He wasn’t losing again.

  “Don’t worry, I’m not going to be friends with you for the autonomy.” She pointed at her legs. “They’re worthless as far as the pageant is concerned. So no worries there, right?” She lifted her shoulder, staring down at their joined hands. A pleasant heat connected them and Johnny hoped his palm wasn’t sweating.

  He shook his head. “Nah, they’re not worthless. You just need to redefine your dreams for now.”

  Great words from a man who couldn’t figure out what he wanted from life himself.

  Sara Beth

  Chapter 7

  Sara Beth plucked the edge of the blanket hem. Rosie finally called, saying she would be in to visit sometime that morning. But lunch passed and still no sign of her sister.

  The seven days since Rosie had left during their fight had been, for lack of a better word, exhausting. Rosie called every morning, asked how Sara Beth was, if she was ready for a visit. When Sara Beth answered in the negative, Rosie left it alone – almost relieved sounding.

  But this time was different. Rosie hadn’t asked, she’d told Sara Beth she’d be there before lunch.

  Sara Beth leaned her head back on the pillows she was fast growing tired of. She wanted out of that hospital room. Claustrophobia hit her almost as hard as it did at Rourke Ranch.

  Each afternoon, Johnny visited, bearing some kind of corny story or gossip from the Circuit about people Sara Beth only read about on the Circuit blog and in the monthly newsletter. She looked forward to his stops more than the idea of getting out of the hospital.

  Knock, knock, knock.

  Sara Beth jerked her head up, fingers clenching her thin hospital gown.

  Rosie walked in, carrying a duffel bag and Sara Beth’s box. She set them on the counter beside the in-room sink and cabinet. Facing Sara Beth, she plastered on a pleasant expression – for lack of a better term – and moved close enough to lean in for a brief hug. She squeezed lightly, before pulling back. “You look good.”

  Uncomfortable with the entire situation, Sara Beth pulled her lips tight in what she hoped settled for a welcoming grimace. “Thanks, you do, too. You brought my box?”

  “I brought you some books to read also and I know you like looking over those pictures and things, so I brought them along.” Rosie claimed the seat she’d been in before and crossed her legs, uncrossed them, then crossed them again.

  Watching her, Sara Beth envied the ability to display discomfort so easily. She finally broke the silence. The erratic behavior wasn’t like her sister and her restlessness bred anxiety in Sara Beth’s stomach. “What’s going on, Rosie?”

  Blonde hair loose around her shoulders, Rosie pushed a swath of it behind her. “The garden’s in. Michael set up the fence perfectly. I don’t see any deer getting in there easily, although, if a persistent moose tries, there goes the crop.” She clasped her fingers in her lap and chewed on her lip.

  Sensing she wasn’t getting the entire story, Sara Beth tucked her chin to her chest, eyeing Rosie. “What aren’t you telling me?”

  “Um, well. There’s a couple things we need to talk about.” Rosie studied the railing of Sara Beth’s bed before lifting her gaze to her sister’s face.

  “Okay, shoot.” Hopefully, Rosie didn’t want to talk about Sara Beth’s urine bag. A catheter had been installed shortly after she’d arrived and Sara Beth covered the bag every time someone came in. But she’d forgotten just before Rosie had come because she hadn’t been on time.

  Nodd
ing shortly, Rosie continued. “You’re right. Best just to spit it out.” She straightened her shoulders and smoothed her expression. “Okay. I talked to the doctor this morning on the phone before coming in. He said you most likely won’t walk again. It’s not guaranteed, but it’s something that you should be prepared for.”

  The lights seemed to flicker as Sara Beth blinked rapidly. “I’m sorry, what? That’s not what he said to me. I just saw him this morning. What?” How could it be true? She most likely wouldn’t walk again? And Rosie delivered the news so controlled, so blasé. “He’d been so optimistic that physical therapy and other treatment would be productive. I don’t understand.” Confused, she rubbed at her temple.

  “I know, honey, but he can’t tell you something pessimistic, you know? From what I understand the inflammation can go down, they just don’t know when. I think it’s encouraging that he said you’re not guaranteed to be completely immobile for the rest of your life. There’s so much you can do with that...” Rosie’s voice faded in the background. Her lips moved, but Sara Beth couldn’t hear her. Chose not to hear anymore.

  Studying her worthless feet poking toward the ceiling under the blankets, Sara Beth allowed the ever-present chill of the IV fluid to send her body into a violent shake. Her arms shook and she moved in a jerky back-and-forth manner.

  But her legs didn’t move.

  Like watching from far off, Sara Beth acknowledged Rosie’s alarmed yell, the quick arrival of nurses and someone shout she was having a seizure.

  She raised her arms shoving them away. “I’m not. Stop! I’m not having a seizure.” The shaking didn’t slow. Her teeth clacked together and a memory of being pulled into someone’s warm arms flashed in her mind. She pulled the blanket up to her chin and huddled as her body continued shaking – well, everything from the waist up shook. Who knows what the heck was happening with her legs and toes.

  A nurse pressed the back of her hand to Sara Beth’s forehead and then felt along her neck and arms. “Miss Scott, you’re freezing. I’ll bring in a bag warmer and some warm blankets.” And she bustled out of the room. Returning a moment later, she walked in, arms filled with a blanket folded into an envelope and two more identical blankets to the one Sara Beth already shook under.