“And when you return, you would have to face everyone who knows that you were charged with sexual harassment?” She leaned forward, placing her hand on his fingers still resting on his knee. “I understand that you don’t want to face people because of the rumors they’ve heard about you. Psht. If you only knew, but it doesn’t answer my question. Did you sleep with her? Did you fall in love with her?”
Earnest blue eyes wouldn’t let him retreat. He searched himself for the answers she asked. Sleeping with Lisa would have been amazing – he had no doubt, but something had always held him back. Maybe it was the way he’d caught her sizing up other guys, or how she always quizzed him on the board meetings of the Circuit and what her uncle was up to.
She’d come on to him, but they’d never gone further than making out. She’d called him gay more than once, suggested he was impotent, all kinds of things that didn’t make him want to prove his virility – at least to her.
Johnny glanced at Sara Beth’s hand on his leg. The stirrings in his jeans were tell-tale that he wasn’t gay. But how did he tell all that to Sara Beth without sounding like a rude teenager? “No. We didn’t sleep together. She never let me close enough to feel comfortable pursuing it. And I don’t know what I felt for her. Love? What’s that? You know, I thought I did at the time, but I spent far too long trying to recover from what she did to me and my life for that to be real love.”
She returned her hand to her own lap. She met his gaze, but the outside corners of her eyes were drawn down. “I don’t know what that means.”
“I know I’m hard to figure out, right now. It’s difficult for me, as well. But come on, Sara Beth, we’ve been friends for a few weeks now. Aren’t we closer than you and her? You just met her. All I’m asking is that you request a new PT. It’s not hard. She works for the mobile unit. Their turnaround is fast. She won’t even take it personally.” He ducked his head to get into her field of view. “Please? I’m not comfortable with her here. I can’t come around and visit you, if she’s going to be here.” He’d delivered an ultimatum, hoping that she went with the choice he would take in a heartbeat.
Still she didn’t speak. A fine layer of perspiration beaded along the hairline at his neck. A sinking sensation grabbed him by the feet. “Don’t you care about me at all?”
Sara Beth lifted her chin. “I’m confused about what I feel for you, too. We’ve been great friends. I’m so thankful that you saved me in the woods. I can’t repay that. I’m sorry Lisa did those things to you. I can’t imagine... I wish I could do something to help you.” She adjusted herself higher in the chair and grasped for the armrests. Her knuckles whitened. “But I can’t just push her away. Not right now. There’re things... you can’t understand.” She pressed her lips together as if to say ‘take it or leave it’.
“Wow.” Johnny’s stomach clenched like he’d been punched with cement gloves. He moved to stand, slowly as if his joints hurt. “Horrible odds that I’d get rejected twice like that. Got the message.” He slammed his hat on his head and spun on the slick sole of his boot. Friends.
He ignored Sara Beth calling his name, grateful for the first time that she couldn’t chase him and try to placate him with worthless words – like Lisa always had.
He had to get out of there, get back to work. Lisa was supposed to arrive any time and Johnny just couldn’t... he wouldn’t face her. She’d taken one more thing from him.
For once, Johnny was going to learn the first time. Thank goodness they’d only been friends.
Sara Beth
Chapter 13
Her only friend in the world walked away.
Sara Beth’s fingers still stung from where they’d touched his skin. Just talking about emotions had drawn hers to the surface and she wasn’t mentally ready to discuss something that wasn’t meant to be.
Obviously.
What man would be interested in someone with no working legs?
Slamming her hand on the padded armrest, Sara Beth wrapped her fingers around the rounded edge. She pulled and pushed on the aluminum piece, tried everything she could to move or bend the dang thing.
Finally, spent from the over-exertion, she let go and slumped to the leather back. Short of breath, she tried calming down, but couldn’t.
What kind of a friend was she that she’d just pushed Johnny away because of someone she didn’t know anything about? She hadn’t even pretended to listen to his side or his concerns. Or even hesitate in making the decision. Why couldn’t she have told him the truth? Johnny was more understanding than most people Sara Beth knew. She shouldn’t have treated him like she had.
But as terrible as it made her – and yes, she totally got that it made her a brat, she owned it – she had to see where things could go with Lisa. Her legs were going to prevent her from finding the women related to her, but with the first one, her legs had brought her half-sister to her.
That had to mean something, right?
Maybe it gave meaning to her condition as a paraplegic. Or maybe she was just grasping and she’d been dealt the hand she had because she was a bad person? Or maybe...
Tears – dang it, no more tears. Enough.
Shut it down, Sara Beth. Shut it down.
She shook herself, straightened her spine from her slouch. As if speaking to the prairies, she whispered. “I’ll tell him after I tell Lisa. He’ll understand. He has to.”
Lisa’s green truck appeared on the road running parallel to the house. The movement caught Sara Beth’s eye. Great, as much as she wanted to get to know Lisa, she had way too much to think about and she wasn’t even sure how to act with Lisa.
Assimilating everything as well as dealing with her legs and back pain took its toll. Sara Beth yawned.
Lisa wanted to discuss plans with Rosie and Sara Beth at that day’s appointment.
Joy.
“ROSIE, DO YOU THINK you can come out here? Lisa’s here and ready to discuss goals – long term and short term.” Sara Beth called through the screen window a few feet from her physical-therapist-slash-sister.
“Yeah, I’m coming.” Rosie stood just inside the window by the door.
Sara Beth maneuvered her chair to her favorite place. To Lisa, she said, “She’ll be right here.”
“Great. Here’s some paperwork to fill out after I’ve left today. I don’t need it back until next week, so take your time and really think about the answers.” Lisa tapped the paper with square French-tipped fingernails. “It’s important that you’re honest. Your attitude and goals are the only things that can make or break this therapy.”
“My last therapist didn’t have me fill anything out and he didn’t talk about goals with me.” Sara Beth didn’t know if that was a good thing or not. Judging by the length of the document Lisa gave her, she was leaning toward the former.
Lisa arched her perfectly formed eyebrow over even more articulately applied makeup. If Sara Beth wasn’t so interested in getting to know her, she’d secretly hate her on principle. Lisa puckered her lips, her eyes narrowed. “You’re right. He didn’t get to know you or what your goals are. How did that work out for you?”
Sara Beth wrinkled her nose. Dang it. If Lisa ended up being like Rosie, Sara Beth would probably morph into something that no one would want walking. “Point taken.” She curled her fingers around the pen Lisa handed her way and they both leaned into their seats as they waited for Rosie.
Name. Really? The first question was her name? How basic is this thing? She flipped through the pages. Questions stood out like, what’s your greatest fear? Where would you like to be in the next five years? What’s a dream you have? Define success for yourself. All the things Sara Beth didn’t know yet. Everything she’d known and taken for granted had been thrown away when she’d taken that horse.
She still hadn’t apologized to Michael for essentially stealing his horse.
Lisa snapped her fingers in front of Sara Beth’s face. “Hey, girl, you okay?” She leaned over, a subtle perfume of s
weet vanilla and cinnamon wafted from her.
Sara Beth shook her head, a little dazed and confused to find Rosie sitting beside her. When had that happened? “Sorry, I’ve been a little... off, lately.” She couldn’t share why. But the concerned look tossed at her by both women actually created a warm glow in her center.
Three of the sisters were together.
Even if one didn’t know it, two older sisters looked on Sara Beth with care for her well-being.
Even if they never knew each other.
Even if the truth was a tenuous one.
Even if...
“I was just catching Rosie up on the paperwork. Today is a short day. I really just want to get to know you a little bit, the both of you, and see where exactly I’m going to do my best work and what needs you really could use my focus on.” She looked at them expectantly, like maybe they were supposed to applaud after her speech or something.
Rosie glanced at Sara Beth, then back at Lisa. “Is this something we should do with you here? Or on our own?”
Lisa twisted her mouth to the side. “That’s a great question. Let’s discuss what kind of goals I’m looking for from you and then I’ll leave you to talk it out, sound okay?” She nodded at them, even though they didn’t answer, and continued. “Well, let’s first cover mood. Where do you think you are at with your attitude and where was it before the accident?”
Crap. The last thing Sara Beth wanted to do was talk about how she was emotionally, especially with Rosie right there. She worked her throat, but nothing came out. Tears threatened. Why did she have to get all sad and upset right then? “This is going to sound rude, but seriously? Why do you care?”
“Sara Beth!” Rosie held up a hand to Lisa. “I’m sorry. She’s been really... hostile? Since we moved here. I’m not sure what’s going on.” She looked at Sara Beth and tilted her head. “I don’t know, but I want to. I want to help.” She didn’t hide the pain creasing at the sides of her eyes. “Please, Sara Beth. I just want you and I back to how we were.”
Throwing her hands up and letting them fall to her lap, her worthless lap, Sara Beth spoke from a throat strangled with all the emotions swarming her. “We can’t. It used to be just you and me. And then we moved here. You don’t need me anymore. You have Michael. I didn’t have anyone...” She bit her lip and tugged on a loose string dangling from the vinyl padded armrest. “And then I think maybe I could have a friend in Johnny and he won’t talk to me anymore...” She sighed, pushing the flood of feelings away before they drowned her. “Whatever.”
Lisa brought her hands up under her chin in a prayer-like pose. “You and Johnny are dating? How does he feel about your condition?” She leaned in, like Sara Beth would reveal the deepest secrets.
Half-shaking her head, Sara Beth answered the best she could. “No, we’re not dating. We’re just friends. He didn’t know me with my legs working. But we got to be good friends and now, because of some things in his past, we can’t be friends anymore.” At least that’s what she understood. He said Lisa or him and Sara Beth couldn’t choose only him, not yet.
Lisa looked down at the mention of his past and pushed some buttons on her wrist watch. “Don’t let it bother you too bad, sweetie. Guys aren’t meant to be friends.” She stood abruptly, shuffling her paperwork around and stuffing it into her messenger-style bag. “Ladies, I need to get going. I really just wanted to get you started on the discussion. I’ll be back at the next scheduled appointment and we’ll go over your answers.” She smiled brightly.
And in the length of a Montana spring, she was gone.
Rosie and Sara Beth faced each other with expressions of humor.
“What was that all about?” Rosie crossed her leg, settling into her best listening position.
“Okay, so, Johnny and Lisa used to be together.” Sara Beth dragged out the story. She didn’t know how much was okay for her to share. Rosie was essentially his employer – or at least engaged to his employer. How much would she have to tell Michael?
“Is that it? They used to be together? That sounds pretty weak, Sara Beth.” Rosie sipped her strawberry lemonade she’d brought out with her, slowly placing it on the flat surface of the railing.
“Well, I don’t want you to tell Michael, because I don’t know if he knows or not and I don’t want him to fire Johnny or anything because of what I say.” She was rambling. Holy cow, did she even breathe during that?
“Now I need to know. I won’t say anything to Michael, unless it’s something that will put anyone on this ranch in danger.” She lifted her eyebrows, asking if it was a deal.
“He fell for her and she didn’t. Remember that whole sexual harassment thing? Well, she accused him of sexual harassment and she’s suing the entire Montana Rodeo Circuit over it.” Sara Beth covered her lips with her fingers. “It sounds worse coming out of my mouth than it did when I just tossed around the thoughts, you know?”
“After getting to know him and seeing him around you, I don’t believe for one moment that he sexually harassed Lisa. There’s more to it than that.” Disdain lowered her voice. “I know you want to give Lisa a chance, but she’s only related by blood. Caracus was a jerk. You know it and I know it. What if Lisa is just as bad as him? The odds that she isn’t like him are not in our favor. We don’t know her.”
Rosie leaned forward, placing her hand over Sara Beth’s. Meeting her sister’s gaze, Rosie squeezed Sara Beth’s fingers. “We don’t need her. We need to work on how we are first. And I bet she has no idea the Feds are looking for the five of us. You saw her last name on the paper – completely different than the one she has now.”
“I know! But you know it’s her. And yes, I agree we have kind of fallen apart, you and I. But that’s okay. I just... I thought I had a friend in Johnny and now I want to be friends with Lisa. See if we can make this family bigger. But I can’t. I can’t have both.” She stared at her legs and slowly pushed at the smoothness under her yoga pants. Nothing.
She poked harder. Still nothing.
She shoved until her finger hurt. “Nothing. I don’t feel anything. Nothing.”
“That’s okay, Sara Beth. We’ll take it a day at a time.” Rosie patted Sara Beth’s hand reassuringly.
“No. Before Lou dropped me, I was starting to get a tingling down my legs to my knees. I was so excited. But...” Tears... dang them. Go away! “It’s gone. And...” She shrugged. “Part of me...” She trailed off, not sure she could share that much with Rosie so soon. She swallowed the tightness threatening to send her screaming down the deck, drowning in her own tears.
“Part of you what?” Rosie scooted her chair closer and pulled Sara Beth’s fingers from her legs.
Sara Beth lifted her gaze. “Part of me wishes I could like Johnny the way the old me with legs would have. But I can’t let myself because it’d hurt too bad.”
“Honey, he can still like you. You, as a person, you’re the same. This chair? It doesn’t define you.” Rosie flicked the chair, a small ting answering her.
Sara Beth shook her head. “Who wants to date someone who can’t do anything? I can’t do anything.” She pushed at the air like the culprit hurting her feelings was somewhere dangling above her. “It doesn’t matter. I know not to like him. I’m just surprised it hurts like it does.”
Rosie rubbed Sara Beth’s shoulder. “Nothing ever feels like it’s supposed to. Just think of all the things you have to be grateful for.”
Sara Beth leaned in, arms open and hugged her sister for the first time in almost two years. At least she didn’t feel so alone.
At least...
Come on Sara Beth, you can do it. Come up with one thing you’re grateful for. She squeezed her sister a little tighter. A sister that didn’t give up on me.
Sara Beth
Chapter 14
The courage to wheel down that ramp and across the drive to the barn almost tapped Sara Beth out. No, she wasn’t weakened physically by it. Emotionally... well, that was a different sto
ry.
Since talking with Rosie, Sara Beth finally understood that she needed Johnny. She didn’t have any friends and he made her feel... like she could love herself again. Even while she saw herself as broken and without value, Johnny didn’t seem to notice the legs or even the weakened forearms. He held her hand or spoke to her like she could irritate him with just a glance – giving no pardon to her because of her disability.
A dip between the paved drive and the cement jammed her front wheel. She rocked back and forth to dislodge it. But nothing. She threw her head back and closed her eyes. Come on. Not right now. It was hard enough to make it that far.
Maybe if she tried rolling the larger wheels back and forth while moving her body, she might be able to dislodge the tires. That might work. She thrust her chest forward and then pushed on the wheels and heaved back at the same time.
Too much force toppled her backwards and the chair upended – with the stupid wheels still stuck.
“Oomph.” The air knocked out of Sara Beth and she gasped for a moment, clutching at the sore spot on the back of her head. Clinging to the wheel rims had saved her a worse fall, but how did she get out of where she’d fallen? She’d end up in some horrible fallen-and-can’t-get-up infomercial. Crud, what did she do?
Ego beaten and left for dead, she leaned up on her elbows and pulled until her legs dislodged from the seat, coming to flop beside the wheels. She glared at the worthless limbs. Oh, how she wanted to cut them off sometimes.
Other times she wanted to... walk.
“What am I doing?” She whispered to the grass and her lifeless lower limbs. Everything was turned upside down and not just literally.
How was she going to get back inside? What did she do? Scream?
Considering the open options and short of just standing and walking the heck out of there, Sara sneered at what she had to do. She inhaled deep and hollered loud. “Help! Can someone help?” Heat flooded her face and she hoped Michael came running, or even one of the older ranch hands. Not Johnny. Please, not Johnny.
Riding for Redemption Page 8
