Impassioned: A Salvation Society Novel

by Lea Coll

  Her eyes darkened as if she could read my thoughts.

  Feeling unsteady, I poured my own wine then drank half the glass.

  “Are you hungry?” I asked, realizing the innuendo after I said it.

  Her gaze dropped to the table, a flush climbing up her neck to her cheeks. “I am.”

  I rounded the counter, placing a hand at the small of her back, before guiding her to her seat. I moved my hand to pull the chair out for her.

  Nerves settled in as I plated her food before mine. What if she wasn’t interested?

  I expected awkward silence as we ate, but Everett chatted about baseball tryouts that started next week, asking if I would take him to the park and throw the ball with him.

  “Of course.” Hope soared in my chest that Everett had found something he was passionate about. Even if baseball didn’t work, maybe he’d be more willing to try out new things.

  “What made you decide to try out for baseball?” Mia asked.

  “Coach Patrick mentioned it to me. He said he thought I’d be good at it.”

  Gratitude flowed through my veins that the coach had said that to him. Over the years, I’d brought up the idea of trying a sport, but he’d always shut me down.

  “That’s great. You’ll like him,” Mia said.

  When Everett shoved the last bite of food in his mouth, he stood to clear his dish. He closed the dishwasher before he asked, “May I be excused?”

  “Of course.”

  When the door to his room closed, Mia said, “Coach Patrick will keep him in line. He doesn’t tolerate misbehavior from kids on his team.”

  Now that we were alone, my heart beat faster. “I can’t say I’m anything but ecstatic over his decision. I can’t help but think you had something to do with it.”

  She smiled. “I can’t take credit for it. I checked in with him after our meeting with Principal Bryant. I asked him to think about things that he might like to do that could be fun, whether that was playing video games with friends or riding bikes in the neighborhood. We talked about things he liked to do, what makes him happy. It felt like a breakthrough.” She rimmed her wine glass with her finger.

  I waited, hoping she’d tell me more without prompting.

  “I’d never want to betray his confidence by telling you specifics.” She held up her hand. “I would certainly tell you anything that would cause you to worry.”

  “I trust you.” I understood that part of her job was building a separate relationship with Everett built on trust.

  She pushed her plate away. “You do?”

  “Of course. You’ve been nothing short of selfless and amazing to our family.” Everett and I were a family. We didn’t need Rebecca or my parents. We were a unit. She was the glue that brought us together.

  “Thank you. That’s nice to hear.” The words were trite, but I could see she meant them. Her cheeks were rosy, her eyes shiny with happiness and maybe, excitement?

  I wanted to see this look on her face more often. I wanted to make her happy. “You were talking about your meeting with Everett?”

  “Oh, yes. Of course. I told him I trusted him when he said he didn’t have anything to do with the graffiti. He opened up after that. Usually, it takes me a bit longer to reach a student, but I think the fact that we’ve spent some time together outside of school helped. He sees me as a trusted adult not just an authority figure at school.”

  “Is that a good thing?”

  “Any way I can reach a student. If it’s to make them become a part of the school, not an outsider, I’ve made a difference. I hope he continues to make progress, friends, joining activities. I’d love to see both of you feel a part of this community.”

  Her fingers tapped restlessly on the table.

  I covered them with mine, her skin warm under my fingers, her eyes skidded to mine. Her body stilled, but mine felt like every nerve ending was on alert, waiting for her to make a move.

  Her intensity about her job, her passion, everything about her drew me in. “Is there anything else you’d like to see?”

  I saw her as part of our family too, even if I was getting ahead of myself.

  She lifted her gaze from our joined hands, tilting her head slightly. “What do you mean?”

  Her words were soft, uncertain, questioning.

  “I like you, Mia.” She was silent for a few seconds. “I love how you care about Stark, Everett, and me. Maybe, I’m reading this wrong, but all I know is that I like you. I wasn’t expecting to be attracted to you the day I dropped off Stark, but every exchanged message, every thoughtful image you sent, each time you reached out to help Everett and me, I fell deeper. If you don’t feel the same way, tell me, because everything in my body is telling me that you’re the one I should be seeing.” My gaze lowered to her shallow breathing, the tenseness of her shoulders.

  “Mason—” Her tone held a warning as if I’d stepped over some invisible line between us.

  “If it’s wrong because you’re my son’s counselor or you don’t feel the same way, it’s okay. I’ve never—I’ve never opened up to a woman like this before. I kept myself apart from anyone I’m dating. Maybe that’s where I went wrong with Rebecca, but I didn’t feel this way about her. With you, I want more.”

  I stopped, embarrassed by the avalanche of words that had fallen from my lips. It was so unlike me to talk this much to a woman, to reveal feelings, gratitude, hope, want. It was a foreign feeling, doubt churned in my stomach. Had I made a huge mistake revealing everything? I removed my hand from hers, pushing the chair back from the table, desperate to put this moment behind us. The only words running through my head were that she didn’t feel the same way.

  I picked up my dish, then hers, not meeting her eyes.

  “Mason—” She placed her hand over my forearm.

  “Yeah.” My voice was flat, my mind racing with thoughts on how we could go back to how it was before. Back to being friends because that was better than nothing. That was better than the empty person I was before she’d walked into my life with her exuberance and happiness.

  “Can you sit down for a second? You said a lot of things and I’d like to respond.”

  “Sure.” I placed the dishes back on the table, afraid to look at her and see pity because she didn’t think of me the same way.

  “I like you too. I’ve screwed up before. I don’t want to make the same mistakes again.” Her tone was cautious as if she was carefully measuring each word before she spoke, but at the same time, I heard a hint of hope. It was as if her mind was overruling her heart.

  My eyes rose to meet hers. “You’ve told me what happened in your past relationships. Do you think I’d open myself up to you, to make us a possibility if I planned on being the same as all the other assholes you dated?”

  “I worry that I can’t read the signs when a guy is only into me for a good time. I’m looking for a serious relationship. I want to get married, maybe not now, but someday. When I let someone in, they’re all the way in. I get hurt easily. If I’m a convenient diversion for you or your version of a good time, walk away now. I couldn’t bear it if I thought we could be something and you didn’t.” Her fingers gripped the table as if it was the only thing keeping her tethered in this room.

  Hope soared through me that we were on the same page. “At first, no one knows if a relationship will be successful or not, but I want to try. I love having you in my life. You fit.”

  Her lips were pinched as if she was still worried. “I don’t want to get hurt.”

  I hated that she’d been hurt before. I vowed not to do the same. “I don’t want to hurt you. I’ve never been in a relationship where we’ve talked about feelings or where I’ve been emotionally invested. This is all new to me, so I’m bound to screw things up.”

  “Okay.” She’d smiled, but I had to be sure.

  “Okay, as in yes, you want to go out on a date, you and me?”

  She bit her lip as if to stop herself from erupting into laughter
at my eagerness. Her eyes shined with humor. “Yes. I want to go out on a date with you.”

  I rolled my shoulders back easing the tension in my neck. “Thank you for giving me a chance.” She could probably do better than me. Some guy in a suit or a fellow teacher would give her the white picket fence. One that wouldn’t have all the baggage I had.

  I wanted to ask when we could go out. I wanted to lock this down but at the same time I wanted to seem like the confident guy I usually was.

  “Would you like to go out to dinner this weekend?”

  “That sounds perfect.” If my Navy friends could see me now, agreeing to a dinner date, living in a home with a fence. Something I saw as limiting before had so much potential. I thought all I ever needed was to be able to fly fighter jets to make me happy, but there was so much more out there.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Mia

  I like you, Mia. I’d been in a daze since I’d heard those words coming out of Mason’s mouth. I closed my eyes remembering the moment he’d bared his soul to me. Barely breathing, my heart pounding in my ears, while he talked. It was everything I’d wanted to hear from a guy, but from him, it was more than I could have hoped for. I’d refused to act on my attraction to him thinking he was incapable of anything meaningful. I thought if anything, he’d want a fling or a relationship with well-defined rules, one that led to our inevitable end. Instead, he hadn’t limited us in any way. He hadn’t told me the score as so many other guys phrased it.

  I worried he’d change his mind. There was bound to be moments he freaked out like he had during our first dinner together. When the act of experiencing his own emotions was overwhelming. But I loved his vulnerability. The way the words fell uncensored like a waterfall, crashing to the rocks below, leaving a roar in their wake. I’d bet he’d never told anyone he liked them.

  I felt special. It was a dangerous feeling because I’d felt this way before, reading everything wrong. Was agreeing to this date another misstep in a long list of mistakes or was it the beginning of something amazing, something I’d been searching for?

  The longing inside my body pressed on the walls of my chest to expand. I knew if I let my feelings out, it would be like emerging from a dense forest after a long hike to bask in the sun. The dormant pieces inside of me would burst out. But if that happened, I opened myself to be hurt again. My old fears crept in. I told myself I wouldn’t take that leap until I was sure the guy could handle a relationship with the possibility of more.

  Mason was untested. He’d married Rebecca because she was pregnant, and it only lasted a year. Was I capable of being cautious? Could I hold pieces of myself back until I was sure it was safe to reveal myself? Or had I already opened myself up by being friends with him? I’d told him my past mistakes with men, how I hoped to change this time. He knew my flaws and wanted me anyway.

  A finger snapped in front of my face. “Mia, are you planning on joining us today?”

  I looked around at Hannah and Sierra’s faces, at our usual Sunday brunch restaurant, watching me with a mixture of concern and amusement.

  “Sorry, I was lost in thought.”

  “Obviously, you’ve been in a fog since you walked in. Did something happen?” Hannah asked.

  What should I tell them? My friends were all too aware of my shortcomings.

  “Did you meet someone?” Sierra asked.

  It wasn’t with the excitement she’d say to another friend. It was almost careful, like she didn’t want to hear the answer. She didn’t want to listen to the trials and tribulations of my relationships, the ups and the inevitable lows.

  Hannah encouraged me to be with Mason, but she’d probably meant as a one-night stand, short fling, not a full-fledged relationship.

  “No. I’m worried about a student of mine. He’s getting into trouble at school.” I shrugged, unprepared to tell her what I was doing with Mason. I wanted to ride the wave of euphoria from last night, not listen to my friends’ gentle reminders why it wouldn’t work out long-term.

  Sierra smiled softly, as if she was relieved to hear I wasn’t on another roller coaster of a relationship where I worried if the guy was into me and he was already out the door on to the next thing. “Is this about the recent destruction of property?”

  I pursed my lips, not wanting to go into details, especially since Hannah worked at the school and knew the students. “I don’t want to talk about it and betray his confidence.”

  She nodded. “I get that. I thought I had an idea of the group of kids who might be involved but it’s just a suspicion.”

  “He won’t talk about who’s behind things.” I sipped my mimosa.

  “I hope you can stay in your current job, so we can keep working together,” Hannah said.

  Friendships came easily to me, and it was nice to have a good friend at my current school. “It’s a temporary position.”

  Hannah waved me off. “It’s common for teachers and counselors not to come back after maternity leave.”

  She was right, but I was afraid to get my hopes up. “That would be great.”

  The conversation turned to Sierra’s wedding plans. I let my mind wander again. I was connected to Mason and Everett through the school. If that connection was gone, if another counselor was involved, would a relationship with me lose its appeal? We’d spent time together outside of school, but I’d been wrong before.

  I couldn’t get ahead of myself. We hadn’t even gone out on a first date even if we had spent so much time together already. That was different from other relationships when I’d meet them online or through friends. Mason and I developed a friendship first. That had to mean something.

  Talk turned to bridesmaids, so I forced myself to listen. When Sierra emailed me the excel spreadsheet of events and appointments related to her upcoming wedding, I wanted to tell her it was too much. I wanted to be her bridesmaid, not her wedding coordinator. I usually loved planning things for my friends, but I wanted to focus on myself for once, on this new thing with Mason and Everett.

  “Is this okay?” Sierra asked.

  “Of course.” Uh. Why couldn’t I say no? Because Sierra was my friend and she needed me. I wanted to be a good friend, didn’t I? My stomach twisted that I’d once again chosen what she wanted, not what I wanted.

  Her face relaxed. “Oh good. I was worried it might be too much.”

  Hannah waved a hand. “We’re happy to help.”

  I shot Hannah a look. We both knew I’d be the one bearing the bulk of whatever Sierra needed the months leading up to her wedding. At least it was in town and I wouldn’t need to buy plane tickets or get a hotel room.

  We said goodbye. It was the first time I felt separate from them, as if I didn’t fit in. Or maybe I didn’t feel the same way I used to. When I graduated and went to college, I latched on to my roommate and whatever girls wanted to be friends. I was always the first to offer to be the designated driver. I wanted people to like me, need me. Sometimes I wondered if I got as much out of our relationship as they did.

  I thought I’d been less accommodating over the years, but Sierra handing me a spreadsheet of tasks for her wedding, instead of to her sister who was the maid of honor, told me differently. I’d taught my friends they could count on me, but I wanted to say no. The idea of being alone, of having no one, kept me saying yes.

  I pulled in my driveway, parking in the single-car garage. I closed the door behind me, stepping into my empty house. I wanted to be a good friend, a good bridesmaid. I ignored the brittle part of my heart that asked when would it be me? When would I be getting married, starting a family? I had to listen to common sense which said Mason probably wouldn’t be that guy. He was divorced. He had a child to think about. He didn’t have hearts in his eyes. I should listen to my brain this time and tell him going out was a bad idea.

  I placed my purse on the counter, my phone buzzing. Pulling it out, the screen read:

  Mason: Is Saturday night okay?

  My heart beat faste
r. I wanted to listen to my brain and all the reasons we wouldn’t work, but I couldn’t. The idea that he could be different spread through my body, leaving tingles in its wake.

  This upcoming Saturday was Valentine’s Day. My fingers hesitated over the keyboard. I should say something. Surely, he didn’t mean for our first official date to be on a couple’s holiday. I didn’t want him to feel pressured, but I wanted to spend time with him. I had no idea what to do. I chewed my lip, debating my options. I promised myself I’d be more realistic, not falling into things.

  Mia: That’s a holiday. Might be hard to get reservations somewhere.

  That was good. I was being reasonable, level-headed. I wasn’t full of ridiculous romantic notions about this man.

  Mason: A holiday?

  Of course, Mason wouldn’t think of it.

  Mia: Yeah, it’s Valentine’s Day. We can go out another day.

  I couldn’t imagine Mason wanting to take me out on Valentine’s for a first date, or any other. He was probably one of those guys who didn’t believe in it. He’d be with a woman who’d roll their eyes at the idea of buying flowers for someone on a particular day.

  Mason: Let me call and see if I can get a reservation. Are you free Friday night in case Saturday doesn’t work out?

  Um. What? He was okay with it? My heart soared with hope that he was different, with the realization he’d been different from the beginning. My shaking fingers faltered as I tried to type several times without a mistake before finally hitting send.

  Mia: Yes

  Mason hadn’t balked at the holiday, but I couldn’t see the expression on his face. I didn’t know if his eyes widened or he’d rethought his decision to go out.

  He was probably being nice, offering up Friday night to get out of taking me out on Valentine’s Day. I had to rationalize things, because if I believed he wanted to go out with me no matter which day it was, what holiday, my heart would start a free fall, one I’d never come out of.