Smile Like You Mean It (Charlotte Reynolds Book 1)

by Willow Hadley

  “Charlotte,” Liam says, his voice raspy. He clears his throat and rubs the back of his neck, grimacing at me from his spot on the couch. “How long have you been awake?”

  I shrug and raise an eyebrow at him, “Five minutes or so.”

  They look completely horrified at this revelation, and I know I’m still blushing. Elliot is the first one to speak, letting out an awkward laugh. “You’re so sneaky!”

  “No.” I shake my head and laugh again, grinning obnoxiously at all of them. “You guys are just dumb.”

  “I’m sorry we woke you up.” Sebastian whispers solemnly.

  I stand up and stretch, and cross my arms when I remember that the guys were clearly checking out my butt earlier. “It’s alright. What time is it anyways?”

  “Just after one,” Grayson answers. “We were all just about to go to sleep.”

  “Okay. I’m just gonna go to the bathroom really quick, but then I’ll be right back!”

  “Wait!” Elliot whisper-yells before I’ve even taken a step. “You have to pick who sleeps next to you!”

  I narrow my eyes, trying to look angry. But really, I’m feeling stupidly nervous and way too pleased after the conversation I overheard. Normally I’d never choose between the boys for anything, but...

  “Remy and Grayson, obviously.” I point at Elliot, Liam, and Sebastian. “The three of you are on probation.”

  “What!?” Sebastian pouts and runs his fingers through his hair. “Why me?”

  I step over the blankets that are laid out on the floor and giggle. “I heard you punch Elliot! You can’t punch people at a sleepover, Sebastian.”

  I walk past him toward the hallway where the downstairs bathroom is, and I hear Sebastian grumbling behind me. “It was to defend you!”

  Several minutes later, I’m snuggling back into my sleeping bag and trying not to think about the fact that I almost kissed Grayson and Remy today, and now they’re both lying just a couple of inches away on either side of me. I can feel their eyes on me, but I can’t see their expressions now that my glasses are off.

  “Charlotte,” Grayson whispers, brushing his fingers against mine. “You’re not mad at us, are you? I’m sorry we said all that stupid crap.”

  The other boys whisper apologies too, and my heart warms. They’re really sweet, and I do feel bad that they’re so embarrassed. It’s not like they said anything mean about me.

  So, I break one of my rules, and promise myself it will just be this once. No more flirting after this, for real.

  “Of course I’m not mad.” I smile. “I think you guys are all really cute too.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Warm breath caresses my cheek, and a faraway masculine voice sends fear coursing through my entire body. It’s suddenly difficult to breathe, and I feel like I’m drowning in the scent of blood and sweat. I taste bile rising up in the back of my throat, and I flail my arms wildly.

  “Baby,” that voice whispers again. I jerk violently when I feel a hand on my cheek, and the voice shushes me again. “Baby, it’s okay.”

  I vaguely recognize the voice, and I slowly become aware of my surroundings. Someone is still touching my face, and I realize my cheeks and hair are soaked with tears. There’s another muffled voice from somewhere behind me, and the person touching me speaks again.

  “I don’t know. I think she’s just having a nightmare.”

  I finally realize it’s Remy holding me, calling me baby. I blink rapidly and try to make sense of my surroundings, but everything is blurry and all I can see or think about is the night I was first arrested and sent to juvie. How angry and terrified I was, how much blood there was everywhere, how it took weeks for me to get all the blood out from under my fingernails, how I felt dirty and disgusting no matter how many times I showered—

  “Charlotte, Princess.” Grayson scoots closer to my other side and strokes his fingers through my hair. Remy wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me close to his side, and he softly kisses my forehead while Grayson begins wiping my tears away.

  I hate that they’re seeing me like this, and I think I might throw up if they keep touching me while I’m still not fully awake and reliving the most traumatic experience of my life.

  “Get off of me!” I shout in a ragged, desperate voice.

  Remy and Grayson move away from me, but I still flail my arms and kick my feet violently, feeling trapped inside my sleeping bag. I stand up when I’m finally free and manage to make it to the staircase without tripping over anything. I can hear the other guys waking up, but I barely spare them a thought. I just need to get away. I need to be alone.

  As soon as I’m in my bedroom, I slam the door behind me and collapse into a heap on the floor. A few wailing sobs escape my throat before I think to cover my mouth, and I force myself to be quiet so nobody can hear me. I hear commotion outside my bedroom in the hallway, and a soft knock on my door.

  “Charlotte?” Sebastian calls out, his voice surrounded by the muffled whispers of the other boys. “What happened?”

  His voice sounds groggy, like he’s barely awake. Even still, I can hear so much care and concern in his tone and it absolutely kills me. “Just go away!” I screech at the door, burying my face in my arms as sobs rack my body once more.

  There’s a split second of silence, and then Sebastian makes this awful, animalistic growling noise as he shouts, “What the fuck did you do to her!?”

  The boys’ voices are louder, mostly unclear, except for Remy’s when he responds, “Nothing! I told you, she was having a nightmare and I tried to wake her up!”

  I cringe at his words, even though it’s not his fault. It’s none of their faults, but god! Why can’t they just go away and leave me alone? Having them nearby, knowing they can hear me crying, knowing they’re seeing how weak I really am makes this so much worse.

  “What’s going on out here?”

  As soon as Arthur asks the question, the boys start talking over each other. I know they’re fighting because of me now, and I just want them to stop. I just want to be alone.

  I’m so wrapped up in myself and my scattered emotions that I don’t notice Arthur enter my bedroom or turn on my lamp until he’s crouched on the floor beside me, pushing my tear-soaked hair behind my ear. I jerk away frightfully at first, but he shushes me softly and says, “It’s okay, Charlotte. It’s okay now...”

  I whimper a few more times and haphazardly wipe some of my tears away, glancing at the door. “The boys—"

  “I sent them downstairs,” Arthur interrupts. He gives me a few moments to try and compose myself, but I can’t stop crying. I hiccup and rattle off a teary apology, but Arthur simply shakes his head. “What happened?”

  I shrug and stutter over my words until I manage to say, “I had a nightmare about—about the night I was arrested the first time, and when I woke up, they were touching me and I—"

  “Touching you?” Arthur’s voice drops to a dangerous level, and his worried eyes are suddenly filled with rage as he turns toward my bedroom door.

  “No,” I cry and shake my head frantically. “Not like that. I mean, Remy and Grayson were just holding me and trying to make me stop crying.” I sniff and wipe at my face, taking a few deep breaths between sobs before I can get anymore words out. “They didn’t know. I just, I haven’t had a nightmare this bad in so long and I...”

  I completely break down, and Arthur pulls me into his arms. I cry into his shirt, and he whispers reassuring words against my hair while he rocks us back and forth soothingly. I can almost trick myself into believing he’s my dad—that my dad’s still here and my mom still loves me and everything in my life is perfect.

  After what feels like forever, I run out of tears. My head is pounding, and I’m so tired I think I could sleep for days. I sniffle quietly, and I pull away from Arthur’s embrace. He looks nearly as exhausted as I do, and his familiar green eyes rove over me like he’s waiting for another meltdown to happen any second.

  �
�I’m sorry,” I whisper guiltily. I woke him up in the middle of the night and made him sit uncomfortably on my bedroom floor while I cried over a stupid nightmare.

  He furrows his eyebrows and shakes his head in bewilderment. “You have nothing to be sorry for, kid. Do you want to talk about it?”

  On top of my embarrassment, I feel so much shame. I look down at the floor, my vision blurry, and I force the words from my lips. “You already know what happened, don’t you? That I stabbed that guy?” I’ve seen all the paperwork Arthur was given about my case. He has to know how crazy and unstable I am.

  He sighs and runs his hand over his eyes, a deep frown settling on his face. I can’t bring myself to meet his eyes.

  “What I know,” he starts, “is that the officer who called Anne said things didn’t seem right, that the story didn’t add up. He said you wouldn’t give a statement or talk to anyone, but he just had a feeling. I know he and Anne talked to your old boss and some of your teachers, and from what they said, your mom wasn’t exactly the greatest person. She’s the one who put you in a dangerous situation and let that happen to you, and she didn’t take your fucking side. That’s what I know.”

  I stare at him incredulously for a long moment, and I bite my lip hard to keep myself from crying like a baby again. I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head, images from that night flooding back. What always stands out the most is the anger I felt, how easy it was for me to lose control.

  My uncle whispers my name and I force myself to focus on his words instead of my memories. I had no idea anyone talked to my teachers or to Matilda and Friedrich from the grocery store where I worked. I’d always assumed Anne was assigned to my case at random, and I’m not sure how to deal with the idea that all this time, all these people believed there was more to my story, that they might have been on my side.

  “The boys are going to think I’m crazy.” I try to change the subject by laughing, but it comes out sounding more like a sob.

  “What?” Arthur scoffs. “They’re not going to think anything like that, Charlotte. They’re worried sick about you.”

  I hug my knees to my chest and think about the looks I’m going to see on their faces once they realize how messed up I really am. It probably doesn’t matter. After tonight, they probably think I’m a freak for the way I flipped out, and Remy and Grayson probably blame themselves.

  “Once I tell them what happened, and what I did and why I was arrested...” I can hear my voice becoming more and more hysterical, and Arthur is quick to pull me into another hug.

  “You don’t have to tell them anything. I mean, obviously, you can if you want to, and you can talk to me anytime. But if you’re not ready, that’s okay. I love you and I’m here for you, and I can tell you that every single one of those boys downstairs are crazy about you. They’ll understand, probably better than anyone else.”

  Logically, I know he’s right, but I’m so emotionally drained that it’s hard to think clearly. I’m ready to crawl into my bed where I can avoid talking to anyone or answering any questions for a few more hours. Arthur helps me into bed and tells me to let him know if I need anything, even if I just need him to sit with me.

  I’m asleep within minutes.

  ***

  There’s a light knock on my door that stirs me from sleep, and I crack my eyes open. Bright sunlight is streaming through my window where the curtains are partially open, and I can hear birds singing and chirping. It’s the loveliest thing in the world to wake up to, and I still don’t think I’ll ever get used to it.

  “Charlotte?” Sebastian knocks again, opening my door just enough to peek into my room. “Can we come in?”

  I sit up and rub my eyes, but I can barely see a thing without my glasses. I’m so embarrassed about my behavior last night, and I need to apologize to the guys as soon as possible. I clear my throat. “Yeah, you can come in. I’m sure I look terrible though.”

  “Shut up, gorgeous.” Elliot shoves in front of Sebastian and walks over to stand beside my bed. I blink stupidly at him as my cheeks flame up. Maybe I should have gotten dressed first before I invited them in.

  The other guys file in behind Elliot, and Liam walks over to the opposite side of my bed. “Here.” Liam holds his hand out, and I gratefully take my glasses from him and slide them onto my face.

  I’m relieved to see that the guys are still wearing their pajamas—if only so I don’t feel so out of place—but I notice the tray Sebastian is holding, piled high with breakfast food, and my jaw drops.

  Elliot grins down at me and hands me a large iced Starbucks coffee just as Grayson jumps onto my bed without asking and snuggles into the blankets beside me.

  “Okay, so it’s definitely not going to be as good as your cooking.” Grayson pokes me in the side and wraps his arm around my shoulders when I giggle in surprise. “But I think we did a pretty good job. I hope you like everything!”

  I look around my room at every one of my guys. Remy’s still hovering near the door, and all five of them are smiling sweetly and encouragingly. The breakfast they made smells absolutely delicious, and tears quickly form in my eyes at their incredibly thoughtful gesture.

  “You guys...” I try my best not to cry, but it’s useless. Grayson hugs me tighter when tears begin streaming down my cheeks, and I choke out, “You guys didn’t have to do this. I was so obnoxious last night, all over a stupid nightmare.”

  “You weren’t obnoxious.” Liam reaches forward to brush a lock of hair over my shoulder, and I glance up at him in surprise. He drops his hand and awkwardly clears his throat, pulling my vanity chair over to the side of the bed to sit in.

  Sebastian and Elliot sit down at the end of my bed, and Sebastian gently places the breakfast tray over my lap. I’m so overwhelmed by how sweet they are, and I’m at a complete loss for words. They’re not demanding I explain myself or treating me like I’m a total nutcase. They’re showing me love, showing me that they’re here for me.

  My gaze wanders around the room until my eyes land on Remy. He’s still standing in the doorframe with his arms crossed, an unreadable expression on his face. When he catches me looking in his direction, he adjusts his glasses and attempts to smile, but his dimples are nowhere in sight.

  “It’s my fault,” he rasps. “I’m so sorry, Charlotte. I never meant to—"

  “What? No! It wasn’t anything you did, any of you! I just...” I shake my head and take a few deep breaths. “Sometimes I have nightmares about, well, why I went to juvie. They’re not usually that bad, and I’m sorry I freaked all of you out so much.”

  Sebastian nudges my foot and gives me a crooked smile, “Stop apologizing.”

  “We all have bad days,” Grayson whispers against my hair, his springtime eyes bright as he smiles down at me.

  “Now eat your breakfast, gorgeous.” Elliot shoots me his usual flirtatious grin. “And tell Remy to get his mopey, emo ass over here already.”

  I giggle despite myself and motion Remy over. He seems way more apprehensive than the other boys, but I smile like a lunatic when he settles on the edge of the bed beside Sebastian and Elliot. Being surrounded by all five of them makes me feel so warm and loved, and I am totally the luckiest girl in the universe to call them my best friends.

  “After breakfast, maybe we can watch a bunch of girly movies.” Liam gives me the cutest smile as he picks a strawberry from my tray and pops it into his mouth.

  Elliot and Grayson laugh and begin listing off every ‘girly’ movie they can think of, and the others join in on their banter. I slowly eat my breakfast and listen to them, feeling more and more relaxed. Arthur checks on us a couple of times, reminding us to keep the door open. But he looks so happy and relieved to see me sitting with the guys, and it makes me even more sure they won’t judge me.

  The guys have opened up to me about their pasts and their demons, but they’ve never questioned me. A small part of me has been too afraid to share that part of myself, but I think maybe it’s finally tim
e. I love them and trust them with every part of my soul. My five wonderful, incredible kindred spirits.

  I nibble on the last piece of toast and sip my iced coffee—apparently, Arthur made a Starbucks run while the boys were busy in the kitchen—and glance at each one of the guys. It takes me a while to get up enough courage and to find the words I want to say, but eventually I ask, “Do any of you guys know why I was sent to juvie in the first place?”

  I feel them tense up simultaneously, and the room is quiet for the first time since they came in and woke me up. Sebastian chuckles, breaking the silence, and runs a nervous hand through his hair. “You don’t have to tell us.”

  I meet his pretty, mismatched eyes and offer him a wobbly smile. I’m still nervous to tell them, even though I know they’ll be understanding. I’ve never talked about any of this with anyone before.

  “It’s okay. I want to,” I mutter quietly.