The Van Helsing Paradox

by Evelyn Chartres

  It was Clara’s turn to quirk a brow, even if the news did not come as a surprise. Although, it was still a point of pride that Drusilla’s reign of terror warranted a different locale.

  “You only talk of probabilities,” Clara said. “Why is that?”

  Saint Peter leaned in nice and close from his podium before he said, “Free will tends to wreak havoc on predicting the future.”

  Until now, Clara had equated omnipotence with all knowing. Admittedly, it would be difficult to account for over a billion people on the planet. Accounting for every action and thought accurately over time meant there were no random elements to life. In hindsight, Clara thought that reality would turn out to be quite boring.

  “Were those two choices the reason I am here?” Clara asked.

  “You were judged on the whole of your life,” Saint Peter said. “Those were merely recent highlights.”

  The gates opened, but Clara did not move. She was not quite finished with this conversation.

  Sensing this, Saint Peter said, “Those highlights did not tip the balance of where you’d end up. However they did a great deal in determining your role in the afterlife.”

  Clara looked puzzled when she said, “Role? What role?”

  “All in due time,” Saint Peter said while directing her through the gates.

  So Clara smiled, curtseyed smartly, and walked on through the gates. She wondered what she would find on the other side.

  “All in due time,” Clara said.

  NULL AND VOID

  2019

  “What happens when you die, Momma?” Clara once asked.

  Her mother looked down at those big steel-grey eyes and paused. For a moment, the pain in her mother’s eyes were visible, perceptible even to someone so young.

  “Well—,” her mother said before wiping her eyes. “People who pass away go to heaven.”

  Clara continued to look into her mother’s eyes even as the predictable question came to her lips, “Heaven?”

  What is heaven? Not the easiest concept to explain, especially when one’s husband had just been lowered into the cold hard ground. Questions were natural and to be expected, but this was a daunting task for a mother who could barely keep it together.

  “Well—,” her mother said. “Paradise, a place where all your loved ones are waiting for you. Where you will wish for nothing as everything you desire will be there.”

  * * * *

  “Almost had it right,” Clara said in response to that faded memory.

  Clara was perched at the edge of a balcony. This particular vantage point gave her a pristine view of the mortal realm below. Even from this distance, she could make out individual landmarks and people going about their lives.

  This was her favourite hangout, enabling her to see how chaos still reigned on the mortal plain. People continued to be born, grow up, fight wars, and die. The only difference was advancements made in technology and medicine. Funny how those advances only made life more complex.

  That curiosity and drive to understand the world is what interested Clara. She often wondered how life would have turned out if she were born in the twenty-first century. All of that knowledge available at her fingertips, but would she use it?

  Everyone here had access to the knowledge of creation, but many remained blissfully ignorant. Would she do any better without her educational foundation? Or would she achieve her goal of committing the perfect crime?

  “I thought you’d be here,” Gabriel said.

  Clara did not turn around. Instead she continued observing the world. Wait! Were her eyes deceiving her? Clara could have sworn that she had just seen a shockwave emanating from North America’s Eastern seaboard.

  “The easiest way to be found is to stay in one place,” Clara said with a smirk. “What brings you here Gabriel?”

  The man was tall and built like a Greek god. There was not a single flaw to be found. His hair was always perfectly trimmed, his muscles developed and cut. Even his wings were flawless, white and without a single feather out of place.

  Was he the angel Gabriel from scripture and lore? Clara did not know and had never asked. Curious how that particular question had not come to her until now.

  “There’s been a violation,” Gabriel said flatly.

  Clara raised an eyebrow. Any violations on the mortal plain meant that someone was not playing by the rules. Free will was an aspect respected by both sides. Violations meant that someone had not been given the opportunity to choose.

  “Sounds serious,” Clara said in hopes of getting more information.

  Gabriel chuckled before responding, “You look down all the time and yet you cannot see.”

  “And miss out on this rare opportunity to learn from your wisdom?” Clara asked.

  For a moment, there was silence and Clara’s discomfort grew. Had she managed to get under his skin? That would certainly be one for the record books.

  Alas, Gabriel smirked before he broke the silence, which meant he had been playing her. Truly there was much to learn, even after death.

  “A soul was torn away from the light of God,” Gabriel said.

  Many choose to forfeit their souls for everlasting life on Earth. Their baptism of sorts, meant they turned their backs on the light of God. This bargain had been going on since time began.

  “So what am I missing?” Clara asked.

  Gabriel returned to that disconcerting silence from earlier. Given they were both immortal, there was no reason to hurry things along. Before impatience could set in, a flash of insight provided her with the answer.

  “It was not voluntary?” Clara asked.

  If their kind could banish anyone they wished at will, then that would change the balance. Balance guided all of their actions and a disruption meant a correction was due.

  “What are the ramifications to our code of conduct?” Clara asked.

  “Null and void,” Gabriel said. “We can wage war if we so choose.”

  “I sense a but in your statement,” Clara said.

  “It would forfeit the wager,” Gabriel said.

  Clara knew very little about this wager. Many on the mortal realm had mused about a game of chance being played for supremacy over the mortals. Some aspects of these stories were likely true while others were a work of fiction. All Clara knew for certain was that no one talked about it.

  “So the Council has decided to send an agent,” Gabriel said.

  “Me,” Clara guessed. “Why me?” she asked.

  “Can’t send one of the seven,” Gabriel said. “That would be tantamount to going nuclear,” he said.

  “So why choose your most junior member?” Clara asked.

  Silently, her mind was racing. The ability to taste life once again filled her with excitement. It would likely not be permanent, but nothing was in the mortal realm.

  “You were mortal, you knew how to fight them,” Gabriel said. “Besides, we knew you’d be willing.”

  “Can’t hide anything from you can I? And to think I once believed that nuns were unsurpassed at mind reading!” Clara exclaimed. “I’m in. So what do I do?”

  “Fall,” Gabriel said.

  “That’s it?” Clara asked.

  “That’s it,” Gabriel replied.

  “Anything I should know?” Clara asked.

  “Keep your true nature concealed as much as possible,” Gabriel said. “Your powers will be limited. The degree varies from person to person.”

  “So act and behave as though I were mortal and everything will work fine?” Clara asked.

  “That would be a safe bet,” Gabriel said. “Ready?” he asked.

  “Always,” Clara said.

  Without hesitation, Clara looked down and leapt over the railing. At first she floated in mid-air while she freed her mind. On command, she dropped like a stone, reaching higher and higher speeds until she glowed in the atmosphere.

  “What a rush,” Clara thought while tearing through the atmosphere like a speed
ing bullet.

  The world before her grew in detail. While she did not have an idea about where she was headed, that did not bother her. Clara sensed that her drop was guided.

  Smudges of grey against the terrain became cities, followed by streets, buildings, and finally, people. No one seemed to be aware of her descent even though she must have looked like a shooting star.

  “Will a little girl’s wish come true if she wishes upon me?” Clara wondered with a giggle.

  Clara made out her destination, a nondescript back alley nestled behind tall buildings. There would be no witnesses in that area once she made contact.

  “Three…. Two… One…” Clara said.

  Right on cue, her feet hit the ground and absorbed some shock. Unfortunately, that had not been enough, so the concrete beneath her deformed, cracked and became scorched from the heat.

  She took a moment to adjust, stand up and straighten out her back. While no longer visible, a set of majestic wings could be seen folding in the shadows. Wings would certainly have drawn a few errant stares had they remained visible.

  “Just as much as not wearing a stitch of clothing,” Clara said while eyeing her bare body. “At least I’m none the worse for wear.”

  Gabriel should have mentioned that little detail before she fell to Earth. Then again, life on Earth was not without its challenges and this was bound to get a few laughs back home.

  LEXICON

  A Snap

  Something which is quick or easy.

  Ab-so-lute-ly

  Agreement in the affirmative.

  Absent Treatment

  Dancing with bashful partner.

  Airtight

  Someone who is extremely desirable or attractive.

  Attaboy

  A congratulatory statement.

  Balled Up

  Confused and/or messed up.

  Baloney

  Complete nonsense.

  Baby

  Another word for sweetheart. Can also be used to denote something of high value or respect.

  Baby Vamp

  A woman considered attractive or popular.

  Bank’s Closed

  Not interested in kissing or fooling around.

  Barneymugging

  Euphemism for sex.

  Beat It

  Another word for scram.

  Batty

  Driving someone crazy.

  Bee’s Knees

  Excellent or very high quality

  Berries

  Someone attractive or pleasing, or another word for great.

  Berry Patch

  Euphemism for a woman’s particulars.

  Betty

  An attractive woman.

  Billboard

  A flashy man or woman.

  Bimbo

  Slang for a tough guy.

  Bingo

  Used to express satisfaction at a sudden positive outcome.

  Bird

  A term for someone odd or strange.

  Bird Cage

  Elevator car.

  Biscuit

  A pettable flapper.

  Black Tuesday

  Also known as the Great Crash of 1929.

  Blower

  Slang for the telephone.

  Blowhard

  A braggart and/or a bully.

  Bootleg

  Alcohol that has been illegally produced.

  Bronx Cheer

  Loud sputtering noise to show disapproval. Also known as a raspberry.

  Bub

  Often used as an insolent term of address.

  Bull

  Slang referring to a police officer or another branch of law enforcement.

  Bump in the Night

  Unexplained and frightening noises at night, purportedly caused by ghosts.

  Bumped Off

  To have someone killed.

  Bum’s Rush

  To be forcibly removed from an establishment or locale.

  Cable

  Message sent by telegraph.

  Cash

  Euphemism for a kiss.

  Caper

  A criminal act which normally involves an elaborate plan.

  Cat’s Meow

  An excellent person or thing.

  Chassis

  Slang referring to the female form.

  Cheque

  Euphemism for saving a kiss for later.

  Chippy

  A woman who is the polar opposite of frigid.

  Clip-Joint

  A dance club filled with rich or sophisticated patrons.

  Coffin Varnish

  Moonshine.

  Cool His Heels

  Forced to wait.

  Copacetic

  That which is wonderful, fine or alright.

  Cupid’s Bow

  The way a flapper uses lipstick to make the bow more prominent, while their lips appear smaller.

  Crashing the Party

  The act of getting into a party in which one was not invited.

  Daddy

  A young woman’s boyfriend or lover, especially if he’s rich.

  Dame

  A lady.

  Dapper

  A flapper’s father.

  Dead Hoofer

  A lousy dancer.

  Declaration of Independence

  A divorce.

  Di Mi

  Goodness.

  Dimbox

  Slang for a taxi cab.

  Dingle Dangler

  Someone who insists on calling.

  Doll

  An attractive woman.

  Doozie

  Something that is hard to comprehend.

  Dough

  Slang for money.

  Drugstore Cowboy

  A man who tries to pick up women on a street corner.

  Dumb Dora

  A woman who is considered lacking in intellectual prowess.

  Ducky

  Great or wonderful. Can be used sarcastically to imply the opposite.

  Edge

  A term applied to the feeling of intoxication.

  Electric Cure

  As in electric chair, a way to end a problem for good.

  Face Stretcher

  An older woman who adopts youthful fashions or wears heavy makeup to conceal her age.

  Fancy Smancy

  A derogatory way to refer to something high-class.

  Finale Hopper

  Someone who arrives after everything has been paid for.

  Fire Extinguisher

  A chaperone.

  Flapper

  A stylish, brash, hedonistic young woman with short skirts and shorter hair.

  Flat Tyre

  A dull witted, insipid, and disappointing date.

  Flivver

  A Ford Model-T or any old car after 1928.

  Flour Lover

  Girl who is too liberal with the face powder.

  Four-Flusher

  A term applied to cheats, swindlers, and liars.

  Gams

  A woman’s legs.

  Getaway sticks

  A woman’s legs.

  Giggle Water

  An alcoholic drink.

  Goofy

  To be in love.

  Hayburner

  A vehicle that uses a lot of fuel.

  Heater

  Slang that is applied to firearms.

  Heebie-Jeebies

  Nervous or anxious.

  Helluva

  Alternate pronunciation for hell of a.

  Hen Coop

  A term referring to a beauty salon.

  High-Hat

  A snub.

  Hit on All Sixes

  Going full throttle, or all out.

  Hoity-Toity

  Marked by an air of assumed importance.

  Hole

  Slang for solitary confinement in prison.

  Hooch

  Another term for bootleg alcohol.

  Hoofer

  Slang for a dancer.

  Hoofing

/>   The act of dancing.

  Hoosegow

  Slang for prison.

  Horsefeathers

  The equivalent of a modern swear word.

  Indoor Aviator

  Also known as an elevator operator. This is a play on the fact that their lives are composed of a series of ups and downs.