Finding Me (The Music Within Book 3)

by Faith Gibson

  “What about the dogs?” Andy asked.

  “What about ‘em?”

  “Where do they sleep when it’s raining?”

  “In the barn.”

  “You never let them come in the house?”

  “You really like ‘em, don’t ya?”

  “I do. They’re calming.”

  Bryan was watching the conversation like a tennis match. He wouldn’t be opposed to the dogs coming inside either, but he was going to let Andy fight this battle.

  “You know, you could always get a doggie door so they could come in when they wanted.”

  Mal stirred the eggs and turned the eye down so he could pay attention to Andy. “Yeah? And who’s gonna clean up after ‘em when they track mud on the floor?”

  “I will. I’ll even do extra cleaning days so you won’t have to worry about it.”

  They had agreed to split the cleaning duties between them just like they were alternating cooking days. Fridays were “fend for yourself” days as far as Mal was concerned since he expected Andy and Bryan to go to the bar and get out of the house.

  “I’ll think about it. Now, what are y’all gonna do today?”

  Bryan said, “We have lots of movies we could watch.”

  “I’m okay with that,” Andy said.

  Bryan was glad to see Andy in a better mood than when he’d gone to bed the night before. Maybe he’d just needed to blow off some steam. Or jack off in his bedroom. Either way, things seemed to be okay between them.

  Chapter Eight

  Andy

  When Andy woke, he was disoriented and sweating to the point of an almost panic attack. After he jerked off to thoughts of Bryan, he’d fallen into a fitful sleep. Normally storms didn’t bother him, but they’d somehow conjured a nightmare where Bryan was yelling at Andy, telling him he was straight and to keep his faggot hands off him. He made a decision to keep his thoughts and his feelings to himself. There was no way he would lose Bryan as a friend. Even if it had been a bad dream, it made Andy see how important Bryan had become to him. Important enough for Andy to stop thinking about things he could never have.

  When he entered the kitchen a few minutes before, he’d done so whistling, hoping to hide the way his heart was still beating a little too fast. He had been running his new mantra through his head – just friends. Then Bryan smiled at him. And after that, Bryan went and complimented him on his piano playing and singing. Just friends. Just friends.

  Thankfully, Bryan changed the subject, and they eventually got on the topic of the dogs. Andy wasn’t trying to be pushy, but he really wanted Moe and Curly to be able to come inside. If they’d been in the house the night before, Andy probably wouldn’t have freaked out during the storm. He was willing to do just about anything to get Mal to relent, including doubling up on cleaning the house. Andy didn’t mind cleaning. To him, it was therapeutic.

  While they were eating, Mal explained the calving process. Most farms calved in the spring, but with the way things had been for Mal and his expecting to sell, he had missed the opportunity, even with the small herd he had. They were settling in for a late spring calving, so they didn’t have a lot of time to learn the process. Walt was going to help separate the cattle into heifers and cows, cows being those that had already produced a calf. He told them about the different vaccinations and vitamins they would have to inject during the pregnancy as well as the tagging process once the calves were born. Mal and Walt had already been making sure the cattle had their vitamins, but with Bryan and Andy on board, it was going to make their lives a lot easier. Mal made it seem like a simple process, but Bryan knew every step was important to the well-being of both mother and calf as well as the success of the farm.

  While they were cleaning the breakfast dishes, Andy asked Mal about Cade. He hadn’t said much about his boyfriend, but once Andy asked, Mal became a whole new person. He told them as much as he knew about the new album, about Cade falling in love with Megan, Mal’s middle niece, and about their daily talks on the phone. He left out the sexy parts, but Andy was okay with that. He didn’t need any more reminders of what he wasn’t getting.

  Mal told Andy and Bryan to make themselves at home, and he left them alone to disappear into his office. “Wanna watch a movie?” Andy asked.

  “Sure. You pick.” Bryan let Andy choose more often than not.

  Together, they made their way into the living room where they’d already unloaded all their DVDs. Bryan had offered to put his flat screen in place of the smaller, older box-type version Mal had. Mal had readily agreed, saying he didn’t watch a lot of television.

  Andy didn’t have to worry about picking the wrong kind of movie to watch since he already knew Bryan liked the same movies he did and steered clear of the same types. Andy chose the first “Expendables” movie. He was a big Sylvester Stallone fan. His love for the actor started with Rambo, and he had almost every movie the man ever made. He hadn’t watched any of the Rambo films since leaving the Marines, afraid it would hit too close to home.

  Andy popped the DVD into the player and sat on the opposite end of the couch from Bryan. They’d watched movies together before they moved to Arlo, so this felt like they were getting back to the way their friendship had been before Andy started getting all weird over his buddy. When the credits began scrolling, Andy told Bryan to choose the next one, so he chose to keep the action going with the second movie in the series. Once it ended, they stopped long enough to make some sandwiches. Mal hadn’t come up for air from his paperwork, so Andy made him a sandwich as well. He took the plate down the hall and knocked on the door.

  “Come in.”

  Andy entered the room to find Mal kicked back with his cell phone in hand. “Sorry, I thought you might be hungry.” He put the plate on the desk and turned to leave.

  “Thanks, Andy,” Mal called out before Andy closed the door behind him.

  He and Bryan took their plates to the living room and ate while watching the last show in the franchise. The tension from the night before was gone, and Andy enjoyed spending the day relaxing with Bryan. He’d been able to keep his thoughts on the movie for the most part. After the third film ended, Andy felt happier than he had since they arrived at the farm. They were going to DW’s later, so while Andy was putting the DVD back in its case, he said, “I’m going to rest for a little bit before we head to town.” He didn’t want Bryan to get tired of being around him.

  “Do you want to eat before we go, or do you want to grab a burger and shake at the Dairy Barn?” Bryan asked.

  “Burgers sound great. I’d like to get to the bar before it gets too crowded, if that’s okay.”

  “Perfect. Wanna leave here around six?”

  “Sounds good.” Andy headed down the hall to his bedroom. He was tired from not getting a good night’s sleep, so he set the alarm on his phone for five. That would give him plenty of time for a shower and to get ready. He pulled the covers back and slid into bed. It was still dreary outside, so the little bit of daylight coming through the window didn’t bother him. Within a few minutes, he was out.

  Bryan

  Bryan had thoroughly enjoyed his day with Andy. It had been a long time since he’d felt comfortable just being with someone and not having to talk. Their friendship was easy as long as they weren’t talking about personal shit or touching one another. It was hard to concentrate on the movies with Andy so close. Bryan couldn’t stop thinking about hearing his name when Andy was coming. It flattered him that Andy chose to use thoughts of him for spank material. He should have been freaking the fuck out, but the more he thought about it, the more he liked it.

  When Andy said he was going to rest before they went to the bar, Bryan took the opportunity to go call Brianna and Brett and to let them know where he was and how he was doing. He’d told them both he had a new job, but he didn’t elaborate on the details. He’d wanted to get settled and make sure the farm was going to be a good fit for him before he got their hopes up. Bryan knew they worri
ed about him with his PTSD, but he had a good feeling about his current situation.

  The sky was overcast, making the June day comfortable outside. Bryan took his cellphone out to the front porch where he sat on the swing. He’d just sat down when Moe and Curly came bounding up the steps. Moe sat down, but Curly came to Bryan and sat at his feet. Bryan gave the dog a good rubbing. When Curly was satisfied, he went and took his spot beside Moe. Pushing back and forth with his foot, Bryan let the rocking lull him. He’d never sat in a porch swing, and now he knew what the appeal was. The motion was soothing. It must be how a baby felt to be rocked.

  Bryan took a good look around the front yard. There were several large trees surrounding the house. The little bit of grass had recently been mowed. The area between the trees and the road was more than likely cut down with a tractor, and he could see himself sitting atop one, riding over the property cutting hay. It was another thing he had no idea how to do, but he was willing to learn. If someone had asked him a year ago if he ever saw himself in a small town on a farm, he’d have laughed. Growing up in the suburbs of Chicago was nothing like what he found in Kentucky. When Bryan left the Marines, he wanted somewhere quiet to start over, and here, he’d found it.

  Unlike Andy, Bryan had joined the Marines for nothing more than a steady paycheck and to defend his country. He had his high school education, but with helping his mom, Bryan had never thought about life after the military. He’d planned on staying in until he found a woman he wanted to settle down with and start a family of his own. When he enlisted, he never thought about all the shit he would see. The things he would have to do. The lives lost on both sides. That kind of shit stuck with you, no matter who you were. When his CO mentioned Bryan training in the Special Ops Command division, Bryan knew it was time to opt out. There was no way he could get in deeper than he already was.

  When he made the decision to leave the Corps, Bryan pulled out a map, closed his eyes, and pointed. His finger was on top of Tennessee, so that’s where he ended up. If that didn’t work out, he would move on. Now that he didn’t have to take care of his family, he had nothing but time. Since he didn’t have a college education and no training other than how to shoot a gun, his choices in jobs had been limited. He thanked God that he’d run into Erik at the VA Center. While he didn’t know for sure what the future held, life on this cattle farm didn’t seem so bad. The only exception was the wife and kids.

  After the way Mal described Laurel, Bryan wasn’t putting too much hope in their date Saturday, but at least it was a start. He wasn’t in that big of a rush to find a woman since he’d just started this job. After he was settled in, he might find someone he wanted to spend his life with. The pay was good, and he had his savings. He could always move off the farm but come back to work there every day. That way, he’d still get to see Andy.

  Not wanting to revisit thoughts of the previous night, Bryan punched in his sister’s number.

  “Bryan? Is everything okay?” Brianna asked when she picked up.

  “Hello to you, too,” he said, laughing. “Everything’s fine. That’s why I’m calling.”

  “Oh, good. You scared me.”

  “Why would I scare you? It’s not like I never call.”

  “No, but you usually wait until bedtime. Hang on a second.” Brianna fussed at the twins in the background before returning. “Do you want two boys? I swear, they’re going to be the death of me. School’s only been out a week, and I’m ready for August to get here, like now.”

  “I thought you had the summer off, being a teacher.”

  “I do, but I’m still trying to get my classroom cleaned out. I had found a local woman to watch the boys after school since they only went half days, but she kindly asked me to find somewhere else for them to stay when Noah tried to flush her kitten down the toilet,” Brianna huffed. It wasn’t funny, but Bryan still chuckled, because he could see his nephew clearly. Jonah was just as bad.

  “How much longer do you have?”

  “I finished up today. Now I have them to myself all day every day. You sure you don’t want to come visit? Take them camping for like a month?”

  Bryan couldn’t hold back the laughter. “Gee, Bree, if I hadn’t started this new job, I’d totally do that for you.” Not. “That’s why I was calling.” Bryan told his sister all about meeting Erik then meeting Andy and how things were going so far, leaving out the part about being attracted to his friend. “I think I’ve finally found a place I can be myself and not have to worry about the panic attacks. Andy and I have so much in common with that regards. He was in for eight years, and he has some of the same triggers I do.”

  “Sounds like you’ve found your perfect match. Is he cute?”

  “Why would you ask me that?”

  “Because the way you’re going on about him, sounds like you like him.”

  “I do like him. We’re already good friends. He’s funny, kind, and he has these crazy southern sayings I’ve never heard before in my life, but when he comes out with them, they sound normal somehow.”

  “Bry…” Brianna paused to yell at the twins again.

  He realized he’d said too much about Andy, so he cut their call short. “Listen, I gotta go get ready. We’re going to grab some burgers before we hit the local bar. I just wanted you to know I’m doing good.”

  “I’m really glad to hear it. You sound happy.”

  “I am happy. Now, don’t let the twins run you ragged. Find one of those mother’s day out places before they drive you to do something crazy.”

  “I will. Take care.”

  “You, too.” Bryan disconnected and put his phone in his pocket. Just listening to his sister on the phone was exhausting. He didn’t know how she did it. Her husband was a good partner and father who helped out when he got off work. Jared was a quiet man. Bryan had never seen him raise his voice, but even with his quiet tone, the boys listened to him. For some reason, they obeyed his easy instructions much better than they did Brianna’s. She didn’t yell, but sometimes she lost her temper and raised her voice. Being around them when they wouldn’t mind often had Bryan rethinking wanting kids in the future.

  He had planned on calling Brett, but he wouldn’t be off work yet. Instead, he shot off a quick text telling him he’d found a job and was loving it so far. He’d call him over the weekend when they could talk. Brett was the baby of the family. Having graduated college with honors, he was making a good living as an accountant and had a good head on his shoulders. David was a few years older. He was an investment specialist and had done well for himself at an early age and helped put Brett through college. Brett had wanted to wait until he graduated before they got married, but David talked Brett into it the year before. Now, they were looking for a surrogate so they could have a baby. Bryan prayed the good Lord would see fit to give them what they wanted.

  Bryan continued to rock back and forth in the swing, enjoying being outside where it was quiet. He had a feeling this was going to be a favorite spot for him. A little while later, the front door opened, and Mal came outside. “There you are. I’m gettin’ ready to head over to Walt’s to sit for a spell with him and my ma. Andy’s still holed up in his room, and I didn’t wanna leave without tellin’ someone where I was goin’. Y’all have fun at the bar. Call me if you need a ride home.”

  “Thanks, Mal. Tell your mom hello for me, and I’m sure we’ll be fine. I don’t plan on drinking that much.”

  “Sounds good. See you later.” Mal petted both dogs before walking down the steps. He disappeared around the corner of the house, and the deep rumble of the dually’s engine fired up. Bryan stood from the swing and made his way inside to get something to drink. He opted for a glass of water and took it to his room. He glanced over at Andy’s door just as the alarm on Andy’s phone went off. Bryan ducked into his own room so Andy wouldn’t catch him looking. Not that he was doing anything wrong. He didn’t want Andy to get the wrong idea.

  Bryan went to the closet and pulled o
ut a newer pair of jeans along with a blue button-up shirt. He’d been told that blue was a good color on him. Something about it made his eyes pop. He didn’t think popping eyes sounded too appealing, but what the hell did he know? He changed clothes and pulled on his new boots. They were a bit snug, but he trusted Andy when he said they would stretch out. He took a final once-over at his reflection in the mirror and hoped he wouldn’t have to put up with any bullshit tonight because of his looks.

  The bathroom door closed, and the shower turned on. Before Bryan could even begin to think about a naked Andy, he went in the living room and turned the television on. He knew he had a good hour to wait on Andy, so he settled in for the duration. In almost exactly an hour, Andy came strolling into the room. “How do I look?”

  “Like you were born to be a cowboy,” Bryan said, keeping his comment friendly. The way Andy’s jeans hugged his thick thighs was distracting. Like Bryan, Andy had put on a button-up shirt and had also rolled his sleeves up, showing off his toned forearms.

  “You don’t look so shabby yourself. You ready to ride?”

  “Yep. Let me grab my keys and wallet.” Bryan turned the TV off. When he passed by Andy, he caught a whiff of cologne. It smelled like nothing he’d ever encountered before, and it had Bryan wanting to bathe in it. Or bathe with Andy while he was wearing it. Seriously?

  The ride to the Dairy Barn was done with Bryan keeping his mouth shut and Andy singing at the top of his lungs. When he didn’t know the words, which wasn’t often, he made them up. By the time they got to the little hamburger place, Bryan was laughing at the other man’s antics. As soon as he laughed once, Andy started ad-libbing most of the lyrics. It was like the one time Bryan and Brianna had made up the words to a Latino soap opera. Bryan parked his truck, and they both got out. Andy held the door for Bryan, and somehow it felt intimate. Bryan didn’t mind, though. As soon as they entered the building, all eyes were on them. Bryan felt like turning around and going back home, but Andy strode right up to the counter, smiling. What was it he’d said about the horses? Size didn’t matter when it came to dominance. Attitude did. Bryan decided Andy had the right attitude, and he copied the friendly smile and joined his friend at the counter.