Finding Me (The Music Within Book 3)

by Faith Gibson

  They ordered practically the same thing with Bryan’s shake being strawberry instead of chocolate. While they waited on their double cheeseburgers and fries, Andy filled about a dozen little white paper cups with ketchup. He then grabbed napkins for both of them and found a booth toward the front of the room. Bryan was glad he hadn’t chosen to sit in the back. He didn’t like being in new places where he couldn’t see the door.

  They ate in companionable silence, with everyone who came and went staring at them. Andy smiled at anyone who happened to walk by the table, but Bryan kept his focus on his food. “This is really good,” he said around a mouthful of beef. “I haven’t had a burger this good since the last time I grilled one.”

  “Yeah? When was that?”

  Bryan swallowed his food before answering. “Before I enlisted. We had this little charcoal grill we kept on the back stoop. It barely held four burgers, but I used it all the time. I’ve never eaten off a gas grill, but I’m pretty sure I would still prefer charcoal over gas.”

  “I’ve never eaten off a charcoal grill. The gas one back home was this monstrosity on our back patio. But if charcoal’s as good as you make it sound, maybe we can get one. Summer’s here, and I’d like to have a good steak or rack of ribs every once in a while.”

  “Mal said he’d get us a grill. Let’s hope it’s sooner rather than later. I don’t want my turn feeding everyone sending y’all to the ER with food poisoning.”

  “I already told you I’ll teach you. Now, are you done?” Andy asked, pointing at the empty tray. “I’m ready to have a beer or five.”

  “I’m done.” Bryan let Andy take the tray to the garbage bin while he thought about Andy getting drunk. Bryan would need to be the responsible one and take it easy. As he drove the short distance to the bar, Bryan prayed for an uneventful night. He wasn’t in the mood to go to jail.

  Chapter Nine

  Andy

  It was early by bar standards when Andy and Bryan got to DW’s. There were a couple of men sitting at the bar when they entered the building, but the tables were empty. They’d already discussed where to sit before they got out of the truck. Bryan wanted to be as far away from the dance floor as possible. Not that he was opposed to dancing, but that area tended to be more crowded. Andy pointed to a high top, and Bryan nodded. He looked around but didn’t see a waitress. A few minutes later, a man walked up and introduced himself.

  “I’m Kason. You must be Bryan and Andy.” Kason held out his hand to shake.

  “How’d you know?” Andy asked.

  “Erik told me about you two moving here to help Mal. How’s it going so far?” Kason was former military if the way he held himself was any indication. The short haircut was another.

  “So far so good, but we’ve only been here two days. How about you? You buy the place or just the bartender?”

  “Bartender slash manager. I’ve been out of the Corps a couple of years, but it took me quite a while to get my head out of my ass. Losing my leg had me really bummed for a long time.” Kason thumped his prosthesis. Andy wouldn’t have known if the man hadn’t told him. “So, what can I get you men to drink?”

  Andy and Bryan both ordered beer from the tap. Kason returned a few minutes later with their glasses and a bowl full of cashews. “Here you go. I’ve only been here about a week, but so far things are going well. I have a small apartment not too far from here. Most of the regulars seem nice. The women are pretty, and the beer’s cold.”

  “This is our first night out, but if things go well tonight, we’ll probably become regulars ourselves,” Andy offered. He already liked Kason and figured the man could use some friends. Kason made sure the customers sitting at the bar had full drinks, but when he had downtime, he stayed with Andy and Bryan. They each told a little about their time overseas, and Andy felt like he and Bryan had someone else in their corner. Eventually, more patrons trickled in, and Kason had to stay behind the bar.

  “He’s nice,” Andy said as Kason walked away.

  “That he is,” Bryan agreed. “I hate to break the seal after only two beers, but I’m going to hit the head.”

  Andy automatically thought about Bryan and head, but it had nothing to do with going to the restroom, unless it was for a quick blow job. Just friends. Just friends. Right as Bryan was returning to his seat, a couple of women came through the door. “Well, hell,” Andy muttered. Bryan must have noticed them as well, because his ass hovered over the stool before he sat all the way down. Andy had hoped to have Bryan all to himself for the night, but it didn’t look like that was going to be an option when Laurel headed their way.

  “So, this is why you put me off until tomorrow?” she accused Bryan, but the expression on her face was anything but scornful. Her eyes were glued to Andy. “Can’t say I blame you there. You’re welcome to bring your friend tomorrow, you know, if you’re into that sort of thing,” she purred.

  Ew. Just, no.

  Bryan cleared his throat and said, “I appreciate the offer, but I don’t share.”

  “Too bad. He’s hot,” she replied, running a long fingernail down Andy’s arm. Did she think he and Bryan were together? When he thought about the way Bryan phrased his sentence, she could have taken it either way.

  “We’ll leave you two alone then.” Laurel and her friend gave each other a knowing smile and leaned in, laughing.

  “That was Laurel,” Bryan explained.

  “Yes, I know,” Andy responded before thinking better of it. Bryan hadn’t seen him come into the grocery store. He’d stayed hidden behind the endcap when Laurel was flirting with Bryan in the beer aisle.

  “How did you know?” Bryan asked, his eyebrows dipping between his eyes. Andy hated when Bryan frowned. He wasn’t nearly as handsome as when he smiled.

  “By the description Mal gave and the fact she mentioned tomorrow. I assume she’s the only one you have a date with tomorrow. Am I wrong?”

  “No, you’re not wrong.” Bryan downed the last of his beer and looked around.

  “I haven’t seen a waitress, and Kason’s pretty slammed. I’ll go get the next round.” Andy stood and headed to the bar, going to the opposite end from where Laurel and her friend were standing. When Kason noticed Andy, his face lit up. “Another round, please.”

  “Sure thing.” When he returned with two full pints, Kason winked. “I see you’ve met Laurel and Trina.”

  “They come in here that often?” If the bartender had only been there a week and he already knew their names, they had to be regulars.

  “Every night.” Kason placed his arms on the bar and leaned in closer. “And every night, they’ve left with someone different.”

  “Thanks for the warning.” Andy lifted his beer in mock salute and returned to their table. He wasn’t sure whether to tell Bryan about Kason’s warning or let him figure it out for himself. Bryan was a grown man, and hell, maybe he wanted a loose woman. She’d definitely know her way around a dick, but Andy halted those thoughts. He couldn’t have Bryan, but that didn’t mean he wanted to think about someone else having him.

  The longer they sat there, the louder the place became. Someone put money in the jukebox, and a few couples got up to dance. Bryan was quieter and less attentive. His eyes never strayed over to where Laurel and Trina were sitting. When they got up to dance together, he didn’t glance their way. He kept his focus on Andy and their conversation. Andy hadn’t known Bryan long, but his body was tight, and his face was shutting down. Andy knew that look. It was the one he felt when he was close to having a panic attack. “You ready to get outta here?” he asked.

  Bryan nodded. He pulled out his wallet, handed Andy a twenty, and said, “I’m going to wait by the truck.”

  “Yeah, I got this. I’ll meet you outside.” Andy grabbed the money and headed to see Kason to settle their tab. He told his fellow Marine it had been nice meeting him, and they’d see him soon.

  On the way out the door, Laurel stepped in front of Andy. “You two are leaving early.
Sure you don’t want some company?”

  “I’m sure, but thank you for the offer. There’s plenty of other guys for you to snatch up tonight.” Andy probably sounded rude, but he didn’t care. He didn’t like the woman. At all. He shouldn’t be getting all high and mighty just because she liked to screw around, but he didn’t want her anywhere near Bryan. He muttered, “Excuse me,” and skirted around her out the door. When he reached the truck, Bryan was sitting in the passenger seat. Andy didn’t hesitate to open the driver’s side door and get in. “You okay?”

  “I will be. It’s been a while since I’ve been around that many people at one time. I’ll get used to it.” Bryan’s hands were in tight fists, and he was breathing fast. Andy reached out and covered Bryan’s hand with his. Bryan flattened his hand on his thigh, but Andy didn’t let go. He wasn’t coming on to Bryan; he was offering silent support. When Bryan’s breathing returned to normal and his shoulders relaxed, Andy removed his hand and started the truck. He changed the radio to a rock station, knowing Bryan didn’t care for country music.

  “Thank you,” Bryan said, barely above a whisper. If the music had been much louder, Andy wouldn’t have heard it.

  “You’re welcome. I’m always here for you, B.” As much as he wanted to be there in a different way, Andy meant his words. He intended to be Bryan’s friend for as long as the man would have him in his life. Andy pulled out of the gravel parking lot and headed toward the farm. Neither one said anything on the drive home. Home. In just a couple of days, Andy had already started thinking of the farm as home.

  When he stopped in the driveway, Bryan hopped out, opened the gate for Andy to drive on through, and then shut it behind them. He banged his hand on the side of the truck a couple of times, indicating Andy should go on. Bryan obviously wanted the alone time as he walked back to the house. Instead of going inside, Andy remained outside to make sure Bryan was okay. Moe and Curly danced around his feet as soon as he got out of the truck. Andy bent down, giving both dogs equal amounts of love while he waited for Bryan to make it up the driveway.

  Bryan’s hands were in his pockets, and his head was down. The closer he got, the more Andy wanted to reach out to him. He couldn’t though. Friends didn’t do that. Did they? If it had been Christy, he wouldn’t have hesitated to wrap his arms around her, but this was Bryan. He probably wouldn’t appreciate Andy being so touchy feely. “Want to check on the horses with me?” Andy wanted to get Bryan’s thoughts on something besides being in the crowded bar.

  “Sure.”

  Andy held the keys out for Bryan. When he reached for them, his fingers closed around Andy’s for a brief moment. Surely, he hadn’t meant to do that. Andy glanced sideways, but Bryan’s focus was on his feet. When they reached the barn, Andy flipped on the overhead light before stepping inside. Both horses had their heads hanging over the stall doors like they'd been talking to each other. Their heads turned in sync at the approaching men. Andy laughed and began talking to the animals. Bryan hesitantly placed a hand on Callie’s muzzle and rubbed.

  “Sorry for freaking out on you,” Bryan said softly. “I… The last time I went to a bar, a fight broke out, and I didn’t handle it well.”

  “You weren’t hurt, were you? I mean, not that I think you can’t handle yourself, because look at you.” Andy stopped rambling when Bryan cocked an eyebrow his way. Andy had no doubt Bryan could handle himself. The guy was built like a tank. He was just as broad as Andy was. Bryan had obviously continued to work out by the looks of his body.

  “No. I ran like a girl.” Bryan laughed, but it wasn’t filled with amusement. It hurt to hear the sadness in Bryan’s voice. “When the attacks kick in, I sort of lose focus. If I’d gotten in on the fight, I’d probably be in jail.”

  Andy hated fighting almost as much as he hated arguing. War was one thing, but when people used their fists or hateful words to prove a point, he found it exhausting. He was a lover, not a fighter. At least he had been before he signed on for the Marines. He’d found that most people who enlisted did so for honor and country. Most weren’t a thin gay kid left with little choice once their parents kicked them to the curb. He had to lie to everyone about why he joined up. He had to put on a false sense of bravado. Put on an air of toughness he didn’t feel. It didn’t take Andy long to become the butt of jokes or the punching bag. It also didn’t take him long to strike back. Even though he pretended to like women, he was still referred to as queer. He got his ass handed to him more than once, but he was bound and determined to not be the kid who got sand kicked in his face.

  Andy hit the weights extra hard. When the others were enjoying any downtime they had, Andy was working on his body. The scars on his back were a constant reminder of his physical weakness. He vowed after the first fight he would become someone – something – nobody wanted to mess with, and he had succeeded. Over the last six months, Andy did his best to stay in shape, and he was ready to start really working out again. If they planned on staying in Arlo, he wanted to find a gym, or at the least, buy a set of weights to use.

  “Hey, where’d you go?” Bryan asked.

  “Oh, sorry. Just thinking about what you said. I hate fighting. Not because it triggers a panic attack, but I think people should be able to settle their differences like adults, not like kids on the playground.”

  “You look like you could hold your own in a fight, Lily. You’re huge.” Bryan play punched Andy’s bicep.

  Andy turned toward him and took up a fighter’s stance, fists in the air. He threw a couple of jabs that he pulled right before they reached Bryan’s chest. “Speaking of, what do you think about finding a gym or getting some equipment set up? There are a couple of empty stalls. Maybe Mal will let us use one.”

  “Honestly? I’d rather work out here. I don’t see Arlo having a big gym that isn’t filled with rednecks. I don’t want to risk having people talk shit about the way I look. Like I said, I run from fights, and that just wouldn’t do around here.”

  “I’d have your back, but then I’d be accused of sticking up for my boyfriend, and I’d probably blurt out something about them sucking my dick, and I’d be the one fighting,” Andy said. Bryan burst out laughing, and Andy joined in. Damn it felt good to hear Bryan laughing.

  “Then I’d have to turn around, because I’d have your back, too,” Bryan said when he’d calmed down. His smile met his eyes, and Andy melted a little more.

  Andy turned his focus back to Cochise so Bryan wouldn’t see the longing there. He needed to talk to Mal and find out where to go for hookups outside of Arlo. Andy needed to get laid. He needed someone to take the edge off before he slipped up and did something stupid, like kiss his best friend. When had Bryan replaced Christy? The night of the baseball game. Andy knew then he and Bryan had something special.

  “You up for a game of poker? I’m not ready to go to bed just yet.”

  “Sure, just don’t whine when I take all your money.”

  Andy laughed. Not because he thought he’d win, but because Bryan was probably right. Andy had a shitty poker face, but if losing would keep Bryan smiling, he’d throw every game. They said goodnight to the horses, and the dogs followed them until they reached the back porch. Andy unlocked the door and punched in the security code. He didn’t bother resetting the alarm since Mal would probably be along soon.

  While Bryan grabbed a couple of beers, Andy set about making a plate of simple cheese nachos for them to snack on while they played cards. Instead of playing for a lot of money, Andy dumped out some change he’d been saving. He didn’t know about Bryan’s financial situation, but Andy couldn’t afford to lose what little money he had playing poker. It would be another week before they got their first paycheck.

  Bryan dealt the first hand, and the two of them got lost in the cards and the companionship. When Mal finally made it home, Bryan had raked in most of the change. “Who’s winnin’?” Mal asked as he looked at Andy’s hand first before walking around to peek at Bryan’s.

&
nbsp; Andy pointed at Bryan’s pile of coins. “He is, but he’s cheating,” Andy told Mal with a wink. He knew he sucked at poker, but he enjoyed playing anyway. “Next time, instead of betting money, we’re going to play strip poker. I’ll be more focused then.”

  Mal barked out a laugh. “Yeah, you’ll be more focused on his body. Bryan, don’t do it, buddy.”

  It was the first time Mal had let loose, and Andy grinned at his boss. The more he was around Mal, the more he liked him. “How was your mom?”

  “Good. She had the girls, well Mattie and Megan, anyway. I’d have been home sooner, but Mattie conned me into readin’ her a couple of bedtime stories. Ma hinted around about me askin’ her and Walt over for supper. I think she wants to get to know you two a little better. I told her I’d cook tomorrow night, if that’s okay with y’all.”

  “I’m good with it. Your mom seems like a wonderful woman.” Andy wasn’t jealous of Mal and Suzette’s relationship, but he often yearned for his own mom. Not the one who watched as he was kicked out of his home, but the one who’d shown him a semblance of love as a child.

  “I… uh… I have a date tomorrow,” Bryan reminded them.

  “Oh, well. I’m sure Ma won’t mind you catchin’ up with her some other time.”

  “You want to sit in on the next hand?” Andy asked, changing the subject. He didn’t want to think about Bryan and his date.

  “Sure. I haven’t played a lot of cards in my life, so you’ll have to tell me the rules.” Mal took the chair he normally sat in for meals, and Andy pointed to Bryan’s pile of money.

  “You’ll have to borrow from the card shark. As you can see, I’m almost broke.” Andy shuffled the cards while Bryan gave Mal half of the money on his side of the table.