by Elle Linder
“I don’t believe you.”
She gasped.
“I was told they’d release you into a rehab program if you go voluntarily. Will you do it?”
“What about the kids? You can’t take them from me; they’re all I have.”
“I’ll give you this one chance to prove yourself. I’ll stay the week while you’re in rehab, and you better kick ass there so I get an outstanding report, or I’ll take the kids to Idaho with me.”
“And her! Oh, you’d just love to take the kids to your lover so she could be a mother to them because she’s so fucking perfect! You think she’s better than me, don’t you?”
“Don’t play this with me. Your manipulation doesn’t work anymore. I’m tired of your fucking games!” He ground his teeth.
All these years he had been a blind idiot. Now he saw her for who she really was, and she made him sick.
“Julia is none of your business. Take a look where you’re at and answer your own damn questions. Will you go into rehab or not? I don’t have time to sit around and chat with you; the kids need me.”
Renee’s eyes darted around the room as if she needed to think about his question, and it infuriated him.
“Well?”
“Fine! I’ll go to rehab.”
“Damn, well don’t go on my account! I’ll take the kids back to Idaho today if you’re done being their mother and want to be a druggie!”
“I said I’d go! Now leave me the hell alone.”
“Gladly.” Luke was out of his chair and at the door before Renee could say another word.
The day dragged on as Julia watched the hours pass without so much as a text from Luke. It shouldn’t have surprised her or hurt her feelings, but it did. In her heart, she knew he loved her. But would love be enough?
The view of the lake depressed her. She had stared at it for the last six hours, wrapped in a blanket in Luke’s bedroom. In her bedroom. The club chair she sat in reminded her of him. It was where they would sit together with her on his lap to watch the sunset.
Lake Brooks had always given her hope, since the first day she’d seen its blue water meeting the snowy shoreline. On that frigid winter’s day, walking around the resort with Luke, it had filled her with warm promises and hope. The connection she’d felt to Luke surpassed anything she had experienced before. Amid stolen glances, soft smiles, and the magnetism that danced between them, they’d bonded that day. And then, they’d fallen in love.
Now, unpleasant questions occupied Julia’s mind, and she didn’t have an answer for any of them. Could she get used to Luke flying back to Alaska at a moment’s notice? More than that, could she get past the jealousy and insecurity that coursed through her veins? What if she needed him when Renee called? How would he choose between them? Was it even fair to ask him to pick? After all, being a single mom with two kids couldn’t be easy. It wasn’t a situation she would ever want to find herself in, and yet, she was bent out of shape, angry, and hurt because her fiancé had taken off to help his family.
“Stop acting like a baby! You’re not a selfish person. Just accept the situation or—” Just as she was getting into a heated discussion with herself, her phone rang, and My Lumberjack showed on her screen.
“Hello,” she answered, her voice low and detached.
“Hi. How are you?” The hesitation in his voice made her grip the blanket tight around her as if it would protect her.
“How are the kids?”
“Julia, I asked how you were. Don’t deflect.”
“I slept. My mom and Aunt Becky came for breakfast with Zoey. We visited out on the deck for a while. Then they left. I took a nap.” She heard him sigh, and her tears returned. “And I’ve been sitting in the chair staring out at the lake.”
“I know what you’re doing. Please don’t shut me out.”
“I’m not. I answered the phone, didn’t I?” Disheartened by his silence, she listened to him breathe. She didn’t have anything to say. What was there to say while they were thousands of miles apart?
“I didn’t want to leave you. You know that, right? I wanted to stay with you, but my kids needed me. I have a responsibility to them. They’re my—” He stopped suddenly.
“Priority,” she said, finishing his sentence. “I know. As they should be. They’re fortunate to have you. So, they’re good then? Happy to see you?”
“Julia, stop turning the conversation back to the kids. God, I hate that I hurt you.”
“I know you did what you had to do for your kids. I respect that. They’re great kids, and they didn’t ask for any of this. I wouldn’t want them staying with strangers in foster care or your ex-friend who they don’t like. I know going to Alaska was the right thing for you to do.”
“But? I feel like there’s a but coming.”
“Nope, no but. You did the right thing. At three thirty in the morning, it’s a little hard to think clearly. I’m sorry for all that I said. You didn’t have a choice. I know that now.” She wiped away the tears that fell one by one down her cheeks. The sting of her words penetrated her heart. He didn’t have a choice, but she did.
“I’m sorry.”
“Luke, please don’t apologize for being a father who loves his kids. Take care of them, and when you get back—” The emotion in her throat choked her before she could say, we’ll talk about us.
“We can make us work. God…I know you’re rethinking us. Please don’t do anything.” His voice weakened. Several beats of her heart passed before he continued. It would crush her if he became emotional on the phone. “I love you. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone.”
That did it. The dam broke with a vengeance. She believed him, but it wasn’t about Luke or what he said. She had to think of herself and how she felt. She couldn’t pretend his leaving hadn’t shredded her soul.
“Baby, I can hear you crying. Don’t give up on us.”
She sniffled, holding back her emotions. “None of this is easy for any of us. Is there anything you need while you’re there in Alaska?”
“What? Is there anything I need? I need you.”
“I know a few bigwig lawyers in Los Angeles. I just thought if you needed some legal help with Renee, I could connect you with them. Also, I could check out those meal-in-a-box kits. You know, the ones that will deliver all the ingredients for a meal. I know you and cooking don’t go hand in hand. The kids might get tired of your buttermilk…pancakes.” She gasped, remembering his romantic proposal that had happened just yesterday.
“This insanity needs to stop. I feel fucking helpless out here while you’re just ignoring the fact that I left you in the dead of night and trying to help me while I’m here. I hate it when you don’t get angry with me. And I know you’re hurting. And rightly so, because I’m an asshole! A divorced asshole with two kids and a fucking ex whose mission in life seems to be to destroy herself and everyone in her path. So, get angry, baby, because I’m fucking angry too! Just don’t act like your feelings don’t matter or what we have together doesn’t matter.”
“Luke, if I get angry, what kind of person does that make me?”
“A real person with feelings. Don’t you think I know how shitty all this is for you?”
“Yeah, I know you do. But if I get angry, it’s like I’m forcing you to choose between the kids and me. And there is no choice. You have to choose your kids over me. So, what’s the point in getting angry when this is my reality?”
“But I don’t want it to be like this for you.” He sighed.
“Neither do I. Just because I’m not yelling at you doesn’t mean I’m not hurting. Or that I like it. Every time Renee is involved, I’m left empty-handed, and I won’t lie, I don’t like it. It burns me that you rush back there to her.”
“It’s not to her—it’s the kids.”
“Stop saying that! She calls, you go, she wins. I don’t know much about divorce, but she calls you nearly every day. Every day, Luke! It’s ridiculous! And it’s never for anyth
ing important. It’s like she needs to hear your voice. I hate it.” She huffed. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
“Julia—”
“No more, Luke. How long are you going to be there this time?” She heard him inhale deeply.
“I should be back next Sunday.”
“Okay then, I’ll see you when you get back. Good night.”
“Wait! Julia, wait!”
“What?” He was silent. “What, Luke?”
“That’s it? Just see you when you get back? We didn’t fix anything.”
“Because nothing can be fixed over the phone. I don’t want to deal with this over the phone. It’s late, and I’m exhausted. Let’s take some time to cool down.”
“Julia, I love you.”
“I know. I love you too. Bye.”
After Julia ended the call, she crawled into bed, alone and feeling something, but she didn’t know what to call it. It wasn’t one feeling but multiple emotions—anger, fear, sadness, love. The more she thought about it, she had to admit she wasn’t strong enough to be the second wife. And Luke deserved a woman who would understand his situation. Someone who wouldn’t make him feel guilty or like he had to apologize for taking care of his kids.
She rubbed the band on her engagement ring and lifted her hand in front of her. The diamond sparkled in the dimly lit bedroom as she eyed the infinity design on the band—a powerful symbol she had believed represented their love. Lasting through all of eternity. A promise of their future together. Yet there she lay alone in their bed.
Julia rolled toward Luke’s side and inhaled his musk from the pillow. A little aftershave mixed with his natural smell—and somehow the scent of the outdoors too. The California girl she’d once been had changed with the season. She loved her lumberjack. But the smell of him wouldn’t do as a substitute for being held in his arms.
While she gripped his pillow against her body, the black ring box came into focus. She had an inkling of what she needed to do.
She slid the ring off her finger and placed it back inside the box.
Thirty-four
What She Needs
For ten minutes, Julia sat in her car staring at the lodge before going inside. Luke had already texted her good morning, and she’d replied with the same but hadn’t gotten a response. It was just as well. He was probably busy getting his kids off to school.
While she’d been getting ready for the day, she had meditated. During her deep breathing, she’d focused on herself. On what she wanted and didn’t want. One thing remained unchanged: she wanted to be with Luke. And how that was going to work, she didn’t know. She didn’t know how she would make it through six more days without him. The lake house had him everywhere, and yet his absence carved out a hole in her that sucked every bit of life out of her.
She turned the engine off and exited the car.
Not two seconds after she’d crossed the threshold of the lobby, Erika greeted her. “Good morning! I met your mom, and she is so nice. I see where you get your sweetness from!” Her schoolgirl giggles did nothing to lift Julia’s spirits. So she forced a smile as she walked behind the reservation counter. “Where’s Luke? Room one-ten is having issues with the fireplace again.” She shook her head in frustration. Julia looked at her blankly. “So, where is he?”
“Alaska. I’ll take care of the fireplace.” Julia walked into her office, and Erika followed her.
“Alaska? I don’t recall him mentioning it.”
“That’s because it wasn’t planned.” Julia shrugged, sitting down at her desk. “How confident do you feel manning the front desk without me around?”
“Okay, I guess. Where are you going?”
“California. I need to take care of something out there, and since Luke is gone for the week, it seems like the perfect time. Becky will be here, so if you need anything, she can help you.”
“Sure. When do you think you’ll be leaving?”
“In the morning. I’ll get you squared away before the end of the day.”
“Julia?” The concern in Erika’s voice made her look up from her computer. “Are you coming back?”
“Why would you ask that?”
“Because you don’t look right. And the last time you were like this, you and Luke were having problems.”
“Relationships are sometimes hard…challenging. I know movies make love look simple, but it’s not. And just when you think you have the answers, you don’t.” Erika looked at Julia, confused. “I’m not making sense, am I?”
Erika shook her head.
“Yeah, didn’t think so.” Luke’s ringtone sounded from her handbag on the file cabinet. She froze.
“Are you going to answer that?”
Julia stood quickly and grabbed the phone, swiping the screen before it went to voicemail. “Hey, can you hold on a minute?”
“Sure,” Luke said.
Julia covered the speaker on the phone. “What we talked about in here stays between us, okay?”
“Yes, you can trust me. I’ll close your door so that you can talk to Luke.”
Julia nodded as Erika walked out. Once the door latched shut, she sat back down in her chair. After three cleansing breaths, she spoke.
“Sorry about that.”
“Are you busy? I figured the best time to call you was in the morning.”
“I was talking to Erika about something.”
“Us?”
“The fireplace in one-ten isn’t working again. I told her I’d handle it.”
“I can call Hank from here. That gas fireplace has been a pain in the ass for about a year now. I think we might need to replace it.”
“Don’t worry about the fireplace. I’m more than capable of running the resort. Why are you calling?”
“I know you’re capable, but I don’t want you doing my job.”
She laughed mockingly. “Then maybe you should be here doing your job!” Lack of sleep and missing her lumberjack under the current circumstances was a bad combination. “So, why are you calling? I thought I said we needed to cool down.” There was silence. “Luke?”
“I’m here.”
“Then why aren’t you talking? You’re the one who called me!”
“I’m just letting you get your frustrations out.”
“Gah! Don’t do that! You’re trying to charm me, and it won’t work. What do you want, or I’m hanging up?”
“I wanted to talk to you about the kids. I’m meeting with CPS at noon.”
Julia stood from her chair, walked to the window, and held her breath.
“Julia?”
“I’m listening, so talk.”
“Okay…I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. After I told Renee she needed to go to rehab or I’d take the kids, I decided I can’t leave the kids here alone with her. Not until I know she’s gone through enough treatment. Drug addiction is nothing to mess with, and I won’t put my kids at risk. I don’t think CPS would let them stay with her anyway. And Rick told me he’s filing for custody of Izzy. I’m not ready for that, but I have to be sure she’s clean before I let the kids live with her.” Luke paused a few beats. “Baby…say something.”
“What do you want me to say? I have every confidence you’ll make the right decision. If you can’t leave the kids there with her, how long will you be there? A month? Two months? Or did you call to turn in your resignation? Are you moving back to Alaska?”
The thought of him moving back to Alaska made her lightheaded. She walked back to her chair, her heart racing while she waited for his response.
“Julia, why do you think I’d stay here? I called so we could talk about the kids coming back with me…to Idaho. I’m not going to stay here when Renee is in rehab.”
“Oh. But what about their school? Don’t they have two months left? You’re just going to pull them out and move them here?”
“Yes, that’s what I’m thinking. I’m not staying up here for two months. I belong with you.”
“I do
n’t know, that’ll be hard for them. What about their friends?”
“They’ll be fine. What about you? Are you okay with me bringing them?”
“It doesn’t matter if it’s okay with me or not. Do what’s best for your kids.”
“It matters to me.”
She sighed. “It’s fine.”
“That doesn’t sound very convincing.”
“Sorry. They’re your kids, and it’s your home. I don’t know what you want me to say. It’s not my decision.”
“Dammit, I’m trying to include you in this. It’s our lives, all of us. You, me, and the kids! Why are you taking yourself out of the equation?”
“Because I don’t feel like I belong in the equation.”
“Are you kidding? We’re planning to get married. You’re definitely part of the equation.”
“Luke, I need time,” she admitted. “This is a lot, and talking to you confuses me; all my thoughts get jumbled. I need time.”
“Time for what? I don’t understand.”
“Time to process. Give me a few days to breathe and clear my head.”
“You’re saying you don’t want me to call or text?”
“Yes. I need this. My head has been spinning since you left. My emotions are all over the place. I need to think.”
“To think? No, you mean to decide if you want me and all that comes with me.”
There was a note of fear in his voice that had been present every time they were dealing with drama from Renee. It was as if he knew that each time Renee disrupted their lives, it could be the last straw for her. It was the kind of raw sound that tore her up inside, and she didn’t want to hurt him. She loved the strong, proud man who was no-nonsense and didn’t take shit from anyone. Hearing him like this broke her heart.
But Julia needed to be strong for herself now.
“Luke, I do love you, but yes, I have to be sure. You said you were coming home Sunday, so how about you call me Saturday? Do you want me to get the loft set up for the kids? What kinds of foods do they like?”
“Please stop,” he said, now deflated.
