Dare to Love

by A. L. Brooks

  Carmen, whether out of politeness or not, seemed to take it in her stride, however. “No, I can definitely see why this would be useful. And I can also see why Damian teases you.” She leaned in again. “It is a tad nerdy.”

  Ash laughed. “Okay, okay. I can’t deny it. I’m a travel nerd and proud of it.”

  Carmen raised her glass. “To your amazing trip!”

  Ash tapped her glass to Carmen’s, and they drank once more. They were back in the friend zone, that heated moment behind them. That had to be better, right?

  “Talking of trips.” Ash set down her glass. “Have you rearranged to visit your brother in Paris?”

  “Yes!” Carmen punched the air with her fist. “I have written it in the calendar this time and booked the train already.”

  “Well done.” Ash gave her a mini round of applause. “I bet he’s pleased.”

  “He is. It’ll be five months since I’ve seen him by the time I get there. I’m going next month. I was lucky to get the tickets, actually.” She winced. “I had to book first class, to be honest. It was the only thing on offer this relatively late.”

  Ash shrugged. “Hey, you do what it takes, right? Nothing wrong with first class.” Was Carmen embarrassed by spending that kind of money?

  “I suppose.” Carmen sipped from her drink again and tapped the table. “I’m always nervous talking about money. So many people in my life have resented what I have.”

  Ash wasn’t sure what to say. Years ago, before she had started to make progress at the bank, she probably would have been one of the people scorning Carmen for her privileged position. However, she knew from first-hand experience that having a lot of money didn’t mean life was all rosy. Far from it, sometimes.

  “Sorry, I’ve made you uncomfortable, haven’t I?” Carmen stared at her across the small table. “You probably think I’ve got no right to complain, given my background. Born into money, everything so easy from the get-go.” The bitterness in her tone was unmistakable.

  “Actually, not at all. Sure, you probably had a lot of things growing up that I didn’t. And I bet you found it easy to get into university and buy your first home and all those things.” Ash held up a hand when Carmen would have interrupted. “But I know from earning a high income myself in the past that being rich is not all it’s cracked up to be. I always thought it would be, and I worked my arse off for years to attain a level that I thought would bring me true happiness. And then I realised that was a pile of shit. That money isn’t everything.” She locked gazes with Carmen. “You’ve come from a privileged background, and yes, that has helped you get where you are. But unless someone like me has walked in your shoes, we have no right to make any assumptions about how easy and good your life has been because of it.”

  “Thank you.” Carmen’s eyes were misty. “For what it’s worth, I turned my back on my family’s money and status the minute I turned eighteen. Everything I’ve done since then I’ve done on my own. I never once tapped into the funds that could be available to me. It was important to me to be my own person.” She took a sip of her wine, looking more composed. “But I know despite that, some people will never look past my accent and the assumptions it will cause them to make.” She smiled wanly. “I’m glad you’re not one of them.”

  Ash nodded. “I’m not. Of course, if you were a stuck-up bitch about it all, then it would be a different matter.”

  Carmen threw her head back and laughed.

  They stayed for a second glass and left the bar shortly after nine. Carmen was surprised she’d talked about her background so much—Ash now knew all about just how well-off Carmen’s family was. She hadn’t flinched as such, but her eyes had widened considerably when she’d heard there was an actual family estate.

  “Cab or Tube?” Ash asked as they stepped out onto the street.

  “Cab, I think.” Carmen checked her phone. Six emails and two missed calls. Ugh . “I ought to deal with a few things before I get to bed.”

  “You can tell me it’s none of my business, but are you going to slow down any time soon?”

  Carmen sighed. “You know what it’s like running your own business. I can’t afford to slack, or the whole thing could fall to pieces. It’s my reputation that’s built this agency, much like it’s yours that keeps that studio going.”

  “I’m not suggesting slacking.” Ash pursed her lips. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but the last few times I’ve seen you, you’ve looked so tired. I’d like to think we’re friends now, and as a friend, I’m telling you I’m concerned.”

  Friends? Yes, they were that. But is that all she sees me as? Carmen knew they’d had that moment in the bar, their heads pressed close together over the laptop. It had been more tempting than Carmen would ever have realised to lean in and kiss Ash. She’d held back—just—determined not to rush anything or risk embarrassing herself or Ash. But she also knew that being with Ash made her feel good, and so did Ash’s concern for her well-being.

  “I understand. You’re not the only one expressing concerns.” Carmen smiled ruefully.

  “Felicity?”

  “Yes. And my brother and Tamsyn too.” Carmen pushed her handbag up into her shoulder. “She’s been with me from the beginning and seen it all happen, and yes, she’s worried too.” A yawn threatened to escape, as if to emphasise the subject of their discussion. “I know you’re all correct, but I honestly don’t know what to do about it.”

  Ash placed a hand on Carmen’s arm.

  Carmen’s breath caught. She almost didn’t hear Ash’s next words.

  “Look, I’m unfortunately pretty busy before my trip, but afterwards, do you want to spend some time brainstorming? Maybe we can come up with a new way forward for you?”

  Carmen blinked and worked hard to focus on Ash’s words, rather than her touch. She wanted to take Ash’s hand in her own. Feel their fingers entwine, know what it felt like to hold a woman’s hand. Ash’s hand.

  “Carmen? You okay?”

  “Yes. Yes, of course. Sorry.” She pulled gently away from Ash’s touch. “This was lovely. Thank you.”

  “It was. I’m…I’m really glad you called again.” Ash looked as if she wanted to say more, then stopped.

  “Me too.” What was she going to say?

  “So,” Ash said brightly, almost too brightly. “Shall we try and do something before I head off? Perhaps coffee and a certain type of pastry one morning?”

  “Sounds great.” Carmen looked round for a cab. “I should go.”

  Ash smiled. “Okay. I’m going to head that way.” She pointed behind them. “Bye.”

  “Bye.”

  Carmen watched her go, watched the way she walked, with her hands in her pockets, her stride long for someone not that tall. She walked with a grace that was almost cat-like. Mesmerising.

  At the corner Ash looked back. When their gazes met, she stopped and tilted her head, a quizzical look on her face. Her long fringe framed one side of her face; the setting sun highlighted the other side.

  God. She’s beautiful .

  Part of Carmen wanted to head towards Ash, run into her arms, and tell her all the thoughts she’d been having. The other part of her wanted to get away as fast as she could.

  The latter won.

  She threw Ash a quick wave, then spun around and walked in the other direction. Her pulse beat in her head as she increased the distance between them.

  The first test of her feelings since admitting she was attracted to Ash had resulted in a highly positive result: definitely still attracted.

  The trouble was, she didn’t know if that was a good thing or bad.

  Chapter 20

  “Did you have a nice time last night?” Sophie asked as she twirled on the desk chair.

  Ash’s heart skipped a beat. “Yeah, it was good.”

  More than good.

  Last night had told Ash so many things, not only about Carmen but also about Ash’s feelings towards her. Ash honestly thought she c
ould talk to Carmen about anything with zero fear. She’d never had that with Leesa. And not with Vikki either. I’m getting close to that imaginary line, aren’t I? The one she’d imposed on herself, the emotional checkpoint that was supposed to stop her getting too caught up in spending time with this beautiful and interesting woman.

  The trouble was, they connected so well, in so many ways. Despite their different backgrounds, they had a lot in common. Carmen was easy to talk to, about a variety of topics, and Ash had never felt the need to scramble around for a subject. But that moment after they said goodbye, when Carmen had been watching Ash, what the hell did that mean? Was Carmen into her? Was she not so straight after all? Or was she, just like Vikki, toying with the idea of being with a woman, playing Ash along, willing to hurt Ash to satisfy her curiosity? Somehow Carmen seemed too nice to play such games, and Ash almost felt guilty for suspecting her of being anything but nice.

  She pulled her sketchbook from the back of the bench. There was a two-hour lull between appointments. Sketching would take her mind off things, as always. She opened the book and nearly groaned aloud. Facing her, almost accusingly, was the rough pencil sketch she’d made of Carmen a few weeks ago.

  I didn’t do her justice.

  The sketch was good; she knew that. But it hadn’t captured everything that made Carmen so beautiful. The representation of Carmen’s eyes lacked their true depth, the passion that had flared in them when their heads were bowed so close together over the table. The way Ash had drawn her hair lacked the bounce and play of the curls whenever Carmen laughed. The neck…God, the neck that made Ash think all sorts of erotic things that she had no right thinking about a woman who was supposed to be a platonic friend. No, the drawing did not show any of that.

  She closed the book and sighed.

  “Are you okay, Auntie Ash?”

  Ash looked up, realising her head had been in her hands. “I’m all right, monkey. Just a little tired.”

  Sophie snorted. “Did you have too much to drink last night?”

  “No, I did not.” Ash gave her a mock glare. “Just got some stuff on my mind; that’s all. Hey, you want to get some food?”

  “Yes! I’m starving.” Sophie leaped out of her seat. “But I can go get it, if you like?”

  “Sure.” Ash pulled her wallet from her back pocket.

  “No, wait. Can I treat you?” Sophie shuffled from foot to foot. “I kind of want to say thank you. You know, for everything.”

  Ash was touched. “Aw, you don’t have to do that. You’re saving up for that new iPad, aren’t you?”

  “Yeah, I am. But I really want to do this.”

  Ash dropped her wallet back on the bench. “Then be my guest.” She smiled at Sophie. “I’ll have the special salad from the Greek place, please.”

  “Cool.”

  Ash watched her go, marvelling at how grown-up she seemed to be all of a sudden. She’d be fifteen in a couple of months, yet she seemed to have matured way beyond that already, especially since confiding in Ash about her feelings for girls. If only Courtney could see that, instead of treating her like a child still. Ash swivelled in her seat.

  Maybe that was the problem. In Courtney’s eyes, Sophie was probably still her little girl, the one who ran around the garden with her Barbie dolls and wanted cuddles every five minutes. Maybe I should take that into account the next time I speak to my sister. Try and help her to see what an amazing young woman Sophie has become. If Carmen, a virtual stranger, could see it, then maybe that was the one thing Courtney needed a push with.

  Carmen.

  Jesus, what am I going to do about that?

  “Come on in,” Tamsyn said as she opened the door.

  Carmen gave her a smile, stepped into the house, and they shared a quick hug.

  Gizmo ran up to greet her, his tongue lolling.

  Then Maggie appeared and gave her a longer hug.

  Carmen’s emotions threatened to spill over once more. What is it about being in this house with these three that keeps doing this to me?

  “So, tell me quickly what you’d like to drink, and then we can get to the juicy stuff.” Tamsyn waggled her eyebrows.

  “Have some sensitivity, won’t you?” Maggie slugged her in the arm. “Give the woman a minute to breathe.”

  Tamsyn stuck out her tongue at her fiancée, then turned back to Carmen. “So, are you ready yet?”

  Carmen laughed. “Get me a gin, and then you can hear it all.”

  “You’re too soft on her,” Maggie said, but she smiled.

  “Probably. But I can’t afford to lose my top client, so…” Carmen shrugged, and Maggie laughed.

  They sat in the living room, on the huge sectional sofa, with Gizmo stretched out on the floor in front of them.

  Tamsyn curled her legs up under her and turned to face Carmen. “So, how was last night? You were seeing her again, weren’t you?”

  Carmen nodded. “We went to a wine bar.” She told them everything about the evening up to the highly charged moment over the laptop. At this point she faltered, her cheeks burning.

  “What? Why are you bright red all of a sudden?” Tamsyn kept her tone soft.

  Carmen rubbed at her face. Damn her pale complexion. “Um, well, then…” She sighed. Why was this so hard to say out loud? Come on. They’re both lesbians. It’s not like they don’t know what it’s like to feel this way . “Okay, here goes.” She breathed in. “We had to lean in quite near to each other to be able to look at the screen. And, well, our heads got quite close, and I could smell whatever perfume or cologne she wears, and her eyes were intensely focused on me, and all sorts of ludicrous things started happening to me, and… My God, I wanted to kiss her so badly.”

  “Oh, wow,” Maggie whispered. “I’ve got goose bumps!”

  “Me too.” Tamsyn stared at Carmen. “Did you?”

  Carmen shook her head. “No. I chickened out. Besides, I have no idea if she feels anything for me. I think ambushing a woman with a kiss in the middle of a wine bar wouldn’t have been the best idea.”

  Tamsyn snorted.

  “But, do you think she wanted you to? Or that she wanted to kiss you?” Maggie asked.

  “I…I have no idea. I mean, she was looking as intently at me as I was at her, but why would she think I’d want to kiss her? She thinks I’m straight.” Carmen hung her head in her hands. This was just impossible.

  “So what happens now?” Tamsyn’s tone was gentle, all hints of her earlier teasing now departed.

  “I have no idea.” Carmen slumped back in her chair. “There was a moment, right at the end of the evening. She’d walked away after we said goodbye, and I couldn’t help watching her go. She turned and caught me watching, and I wanted to run over to her, but…”

  “You backed away?” Maggie finished.

  Carmen nodded. “I was so torn. Part of me wanted to just blurt it all out.”

  “But the rest of you was scared?” Tamsyn asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Oh, honey, don’t worry. We totally get that. Me especially.” Tamsyn smiled ruefully.

  Carmen gave her a wan smile in return. “Yes, I suppose you do.”

  “But look what happened to me in the end.” Tamsyn took hold of Maggie’s hand and gave her partner a look filled with love. “I got through it, and I’ve never been happier.”

  “Sweet talker,” Maggie muttered but blew Tamsyn a kiss when she looked affronted.

  “True.” Carmen snorted softly. “God, talk about the tables being turned. Back then, I talked you into following your heart, and now here I am receiving the same from you.”

  “What goes around comes around.” Tamsyn smirked.

  “You know, I never told you this.” Carmen turned to Maggie. “You know she made me read your book, the one based on the time you two had spent together in Norfolk?”

  Maggie nodded, looking curious.

  “Well, um, it touched me. I remember thinking how wonderful it would be to find someon
e who made me feel that way. I never imagined in a million years that person could be a woman. It’s…it’s made me think if, subconsciously, after reading your book, I started to wonder if I was barking up the wrong tree with men.”

  “Maybe you did.” Maggie shrugged. “But you did meet Gerald soon after, and you were, mostly, pretty comfortable in your relationship with him.”

  “Yes, I was.” Carmen sighed. “But now I know comfortable isn’t really what I want. Maybe it is like many of the women in those articles said. Sometimes it just takes the right person to come along and show you what you really want. And sometimes that person happens to be a woman.”

  “So, what are you going to do about your woman?” Tamsyn asked.

  “For a start, I think I’m going to have to stop running away.” Carmen’s throat tightened. “I’ve never done anything so terrifying in my life, but…I cannot stop thinking about her. About being with her. I woke up this morning wondering if that was too soon to ask her out for coffee again. Is that silly?”

  Maggie shook her head, her smile warm. “No, it isn’t. It’s wonderful.”

  “Only if she feels the same way.”

  “Which she might.”

  Carmen thought back once more to that charged moment she and Ash had shared. That look in Ash’s eyes. The slight flush on her cheeks. Yes, maybe Ash did feel something. A shiver of excitement ran through Carmen. If Ash did feel something for her, then yes, it could be wonderful.

  Chapter 21

  “Carmen, here’s those contracts you need for Friday.”

  Monica handed her the stack of papers, and Carmen took them even though Monica’s words had barely registered. What’s happening Friday? God, I’m losing it .

  “Thanks.” She managed to give Monica a small smile.

  Come on, this is ridiculous! It’s just one text message asking someone you like if they’d be interested in meeting for coffee this week .