Not Until Us (Hope Springs Book 4)

by Valerie M. Bodden

  Instead of settling her onto the air mattress, Vi pushed her gently onto her own bed, then bent to take off her shoes.

  “I can take off my own shoes, Vi.” Jade bent toward her feet, but another pang seized her stomach and she stopped with a grunt.

  “Lie back, Jade.”

  This time she obeyed Vi’s command. She couldn’t deny that it felt good to be taken care of.

  Once Vi had her shoes off, she tucked the blankets around Jade’s legs, then scurried around the room, closing the curtains. “Do you want anything? Some water or tea or something?”

  Jade shook her head, watching her sister. A question burned on the tip of her tongue, but she was afraid to ask it.

  But not knowing the answer was worse. “Vi?” Her voice was barely a whisper, but Vi was instantly at her side.

  “Do you think―” Jade licked her chalky lips. “Do you think God is punishing me?”

  “Of course not.” Vi dropped onto the bed next to her. “Why would you ask that?”

  Jade gulped back the tears. If she didn’t tell Vi now, she never would. And she had to tell her. Had to confess to someone.

  “Do you know why I left?” Even as she said it, her brain screamed at her to stop. Once she told Vi, there was no going back. Her sister’s opinion of her would forever be tainted.

  “You wanted to pursue acting. And there was nothing wrong with that. I should have been more supportive and―”

  Jade dropped her hand onto Vi’s lap. “I didn’t want to act. I mean, I guess I did a little. But the reason I left the way I did, without telling anyone I was going, is because I was pregnant.”

  Violet couldn’t suppress her gasp this time, but to Jade’s surprise she didn’t get up and walk away.

  “Whose baby―” Vi waved a hand in the air. “You know what, it doesn’t matter. What happened? Did you miscarry? Did you give the baby up for adoption?”

  Jade grabbed her sister’s hand and looked at her, really looked at her, until a mixture of horror and pity swirled in Violet’s eyes. “Oh, Jade.”

  The sobs she’d been suppressing for the past eight years tore loose. “I got rid of it, Vi. I got rid of it, and I can’t bring it back.”

  She buried her head in the pillow, but Vi’s arms were around her, pulling her closer. She tried to slide away. She didn’t deserve Vi’s comfort.

  But Vi refused to let go. Instead she clutched Jade, letting their tears mingle.

  When they’d both quieted, Violet smoothed a hand over Jade’s hair.

  “I’m sorry,” Jade whispered. “I was so scared, and I didn’t know what else to do. I thought if I could just take care of it, I could forget about it and go on with my life as if nothing ever happened.” Her lip quivered involuntarily, and she waited until she had it under control again. “But I couldn’t. I think about that baby every day. And I regret what I did every single day. And that’s why God is punishing me.”

  Vi wiped at the tears on her own cheeks, then on Jade’s. She gave a gentle smile. “He’s not punishing you, Jade. What you did was wrong, yes.”

  Jade closed her eyes. Violet was only telling her what she already knew, but it still hurt.

  “But―” Violet wrapped her hands around Jade’s. “He’s forgiven you, Jade. For everything.”

  “Not―”

  Violet shook her head. “Even for this, Jade. You know how much you love that little one inside you, how you would do anything to protect that baby?”

  Jade nodded. It made no sense. This baby was the result of one of the biggest mistakes of her life, and she’d thought she didn’t want it. But already she knew she loved it more than she loved her own life.

  “That’s how God feels about you, Jade. He loves you more than you could ever imagine. And he wants to protect you—not just physically but spiritually. Maybe all of this is his way of doing that.”

  Jade bit her lip, letting the words sink in. “I don’t understand why he would do it like this,” she finally said.

  Vi laughed. “Yeah, we usually don’t understand it. But we have to trust that he knows what we need, even when we don’t.”

  “If you say so.” But a hint of peace settled in Jade’s heart. Somehow, she believed Violet was right about this. More than that, she trusted that God held her and her baby in his hands.

  It was a new feeling. One she wanted to get used to.

  Dan was stalling, and he knew it. Church had been over for twenty minutes already. He’d spent as little time mingling with his parishioners as possible today, seeking refuge in the small room behind the altar instead.

  Most people had already filtered out, but he could still hear Violet’s voice. He debated hiding here until she left.

  He was sure she was waiting to talk to him about Jade. And that was one topic he had no interest in discussing.

  Yesterday’s shock of finding out she was carrying another man’s baby had worn off sometime in the middle of the night as he stared at the wall in the dark. It had been replaced by anger, hurt, shame—you name it, he’d probably felt it. Most of all, though, he’d felt foolish. He’d ignored every single person who’d told him not to get involved with Jade, who’d reminded him of who she’d once been. He’d thought he knew better, thought she’d changed.

  Joke was on him.

  And some joke it was.

  One that left his heart shredded into a pulpy mess.

  It was his own fault. He couldn’t blame Jade. Not really. She’d tried to keep him away, tried to warn him that she wasn’t the right kind of girl for him.

  He should have realized she knew herself better than he knew her. After all, she’d never let him get close enough to think differently.

  He slammed down the water bottle he’d just drained and drew in a breath.

  He couldn’t stay in here forever. He squared his shoulders and stepped into the sanctuary, where Violet was talking in a low voice with Nate.

  “You guys getting excited for the big day?” His lame attempt at small talk fell short.

  “Hey, Dan.” Violet gave him a sad half smile. “I know this is awkward. And I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t think it was important, but could you come by to visit Jade? I think she’s really struggling right now, and she could use someone to talk to.”

  Dan tried to keep his expression neutral but had to assume he’d failed based on the pity in her eyes. “I’m guessing she doesn’t want to talk to me.”

  “No, probably not.” Violet lifted her eyebrows. “But you’ve never let that stop you before.”

  He looked away. He couldn’t deny that. But this time was different.

  “How is she doing?” Much as he wished he could shut off his feelings for her and be indifferent, he couldn’t. He needed to know she was okay at least, that she wasn’t in danger.

  “She’s doing a little better. The pain seems to have stopped, but she still has a little bleeding.”

  Dan had to force himself to ask the next question. “What does that mean for the baby?”

  Tears clouded Violet’s eyes, and Nate wrapped an arm over her shoulder. “I don’t know. The doctors said we’d have to wait and see.” She swiped at her cheek. “I know Jade is really worried. The only way I can get her to eat is by telling her it’s good for the baby.”

  Dan nodded. “I have a couple visits to make at the hospital today. But I’ll try to come by later this week.”

  Violet’s face fell, but it was the best Dan could offer right now. He wasn’t ready to see Jade yet.

  “Thanks, Dan.” Violet gave him a quick hug. “And for the record, I’m sorry. I had no idea . . .”

  “Yeah.” Dan returned her hug and ushered them to the door. “That makes two of us.”

  Chapter 38

  “The baby is looking good.” The doctor switched off the ultrasound machine. “Heartbeat is strong, all measurements are normal, and since you’re no longer bleeding and cramping, I think it’s safe to say that this little one is out of the woods.”

&nbs
p; Jade could have hugged him she was so happy, but she settled for a heartfelt “thank you” as Vi squeezed her hand.

  This had been the longest six days of her life. She’d barely ventured from Vi’s bed the entire week, and every time she’d gone to the bathroom, she’d held her breath, dreading the possibility that she’d see blood.

  “That’s good news.” Vi pulled her into a hug as soon as she was on her feet. “Let’s get you home.”

  Jade nodded and followed her. Violet hadn’t asked once who the father of the baby was or how Jade could have been stupid enough to make the same mistake twice. She’d simply loved Jade and taken care of her. Violet’s friends, too, had been nothing but wonderful. Sophie and Spencer had stopped by earlier in the week, and Grace had sat with her nearly all day Wednesday. Peyton had brought her a cake. Even Leah had called to check on her.

  The only person she hadn’t heard from was Dan.

  Not that she’d expected to.

  She’d known it was over from the moment Vi had told her Dan knew.

  She reminded herself yet again that it was for the best.

  But that didn’t make it hurt any less.

  “Have you heard from Dan lately?” She hated how meek she sounded as she asked Violet the question on the way home from her appointment.

  Vi shot her a quick glance, and Jade looked away. “Never mind. It doesn’t matter.”

  “Maybe you should call him.”

  Jade snorted. “And say what? Sorry I’m pregnant?” She watched the shops roll past as Vi turned onto Hope Street.

  “You could tell him how you feel about him. He’s hurt right now, but maybe if you talked―”

  “It’s better this way.” She kept her voice abrupt. This conversation was pointless, and she was done with it.

  Fortunately, Vi took the hint and remained silent the rest of the way to the apartment.

  She finally spoke as she parked the car. “I’m not sure how this fits into your plans, but that’s Dan’s car.” She pointed to the beat-up Camry at the other end of the lot, near the dumpster where Jade had thrown away her pregnancy test.

  Jade’s heart gave an unwanted leap, but she scolded herself. She had no business being happy to see Dan.

  She got out of the car and looked around, half expecting him to ambush her from behind one of the vehicles. But there was no one in the parking lot. He must have gone inside already.

  “I can’t―” Her heart rate surged. “Can you tell him I’m not here? Tell him―”

  “Tell him what?”

  She spun toward his voice, her blood pounding so loudly in her ears she could barely hear herself as she said his name.

  He walked toward her from the hill behind the parking lot, hands in his pockets.

  Jade swiveled in desperation. She couldn’t see him right now. Couldn’t talk to him. Couldn’t bear to feel his disappointment in who she’d turned out to be.

  He took a few more steps toward her but stopped a good fifteen feet away, just looking at her.

  She dropped her eyes. She’d never be able to meet his gaze again.

  “Will you walk with me?” he finally asked.

  Every instinct told her to say no. To turn and go in the house and lock the door and not come out until her baby was grown. But she found herself nodding instead.

  “I’ll be inside.” Vi’s voice from behind her was quiet, and Jade could hear the worry in it. But she wasn’t sure which of them it was directed toward.

  Dan waited, his face stony, as Jade closed the distance between them. When she reached his side, he pivoted and started walking down the hill toward the beach. He kept his hands in his pockets, his crooked elbow ensuring she couldn’t walk too close. Not that she’d try.

  Neither of them said a word as they stepped onto the beach and turned north, away from the beachgoers sprawled in the sand to the south.

  Finally, she couldn’t stand it any longer. “Do you hate me now?”

  “No.” His answer was swift but emotionless, and he didn’t look at her.

  She bit her lip, parsing through all the things she could say. But nothing would be adequate.

  “I didn’t know,” she whispered. “Not at first. Not when we started spending time together. When I found out, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to ruin everything with you. But I also didn’t want to deceive you. I was planning to tell you the night of Vi’s shower.”

  He let out an ironic laugh. “The night I was going to tell you I loved you, you were going to tell me you’re pregnant with another man’s baby.”

  Her sharp inhale cut at her lungs. Loved. Past tense.

  He had loved her. But he didn’t anymore.

  Not that she’d expect him to. She only wished she could turn off her feelings for him as easily. She swallowed down the ache at the back of her throat and kept walking.

  But Dan pulled up short and turned to her. “I thought you’d changed. You told me you’d changed.”

  Jade reared back. He may as well have struck her. “I have―”

  But he was still going. “I vouched for you. Stood up for you.”

  “I didn’t ask you to do that.” Her hands balled into fists. “You did it because you were afraid of what people would think of you. Even when you claimed you weren’t.”

  “Yeah, well―” Dan pulled his hands through his hair. “Guess I was right to be. Do you know how many people have asked me if it’s my baby? I had an elder stop by yesterday, talking about disciplinary action. About asking me to leave.”

  Jade’s hands covered her mouth. How did she always manage to hurt the people she loved most?

  “I’m so sorry. I’ll tell them. I’ll stand before the whole church and tell them it’s not yours.” It didn’t matter how much that would humiliate her. All that mattered was making things right for Dan.

  “That won’t be necessary. I told them it wasn’t mine, and they took my word.” He stopped short, as if suddenly struck by something.

  “Whose is it?” The question came out slow and deliberate. “Someone you’re in a relationship with?”

  Jade hesitated, then nodded. Better he think that than find out the truth—that she didn’t even know the name of her child’s father.

  Dan’s stricken look made her want to take it back.

  “Then why did— I thought we―” Dan raked his hands through his hair again. Watching the pain on his face tortured her. How could she have done this to him?

  She laid a hand on his arm, but he pulled away. She completely deserved that, but it didn’t ease the sting.

  Dan stared out over the water. “So now what? Are you going back to California? To be with this guy? With the father?”

  Now what? Hadn’t she been pondering those two words every minute since she’d found out she was pregnant?

  “Yeah.” The single syllable sliced her heart open. “I’ll go back to California.”

  Dan gave a sharp nod and started walking again. She gave him a few seconds on his own, then followed more slowly. There was nothing for her in California. Everything she wanted in the world was right here. But she’d blown what she had here.

  After a few more minutes, Dan stopped and just stood there.

  Finally, he said, “I think we should go back.”

  His voice was so quiet, so defeated, it was all Jade could do to keep from throwing her arms around him and begging him for forgiveness.

  She wouldn’t do that to him.

  She didn’t deserve his forgiveness.

  And she wasn’t going to ask for it.

  Chapter 39

  Dan escorted Sierra and Colton to the door of his office. The young couple gave him a last wave, then walked down the hallway hand in hand. They’d dropped by simply to thank him for being there for them.

  Sighing, Dan wandered back into his office and picked up the Bible on his desk, flipping aimlessly through it. He didn’t even know what he was looking for.

  Answers.

  Yes, answers wou
ld be nice. How was it that he had the answers for everyone else, but he didn’t have any answers for himself?

  He needed someone to tell him how to patch this gaping wound in his heart. Because if it wasn’t fixed soon, he might lose all ability to feel permanently.

  Actually, what he needed to do was get Jade out of his head. It shouldn’t be too difficult, since in the three weeks since they’d last talked on the beach—when she’d told him she was going back to California to have another man’s baby—he’d seen her only at church. Even then, she’d taken to slipping in right as the service began and ducking out during the final prayer.

  But somehow seeing her less only made him think about her more.

  Dan slammed his Bible shut. He was starting to drive himself crazy.

  Air. That was what he needed. Maybe a good run too.

  He strode through the hall to the lobby but drew up short the moment he reached it.

  Jade was on the other side of the room, bent over the reception table. She didn’t notice him at first, and he let himself take a moment to soak her in.

  Her hair was pulled back into a messy bun, and she had no makeup on, but she’d never looked more beautiful.

  He had to leave.

  Right now.

  He took a step back and started to turn away, but before he could, her head snapped up, as if she’d sensed he was there.

  Their eyes met and held. She didn’t smile, and neither did he. From this distance, he couldn’t read what she was thinking.

  When she straightened, her shirt stretched over her midsection, and he looked away. In case he’d forgotten why he couldn’t be with her, that bump should be reminder enough.

  “Hi,” he finally croaked.

  She held up a piece of paper. “Vi asked me to stop by to proof the wedding programs.” She sounded defensive, as if he might kick her out otherwise.

  “Oh.” He couldn’t get his feet to move. “How are you feeling?”