by Nicole Thorn
My forehead wrinkled in confusion while Poppy took a bite from my dinner. “None?”
“No,” she said while she chewed. “I looked all over, and couldn’t find a thing.”
“What exactly did Elisa tell you after I left? She said Ezra did it, but did she say how?”
Poppy set the spoon down, sitting straight up. “No. All she said was what she told all three of us. Ossy still doesn’t remember what happened. It was like he just fell asleep.”
Strange. I wished I’d thought to ask Lucifer. Maybe he could have given me a hint. Now I had a million questions and not a single answer. Or a way to get them.
“I’d say it was a break in gone bad, but that doesn’t explain what happened to Oswald.” Poppy grabbed the bowl, and started eating more. “It looked like he was poisoned or something.”
“Was he sick after he woke up?”
She shook her head. “He was just tired. He was back to normal after an hour. Like it didn’t happen.”
“What does he think happened?”
“I don’t know,” she said with a full mouth before standing up. “Let’s go talk to him.”
We went out to find Oswald in the living room, playing his Gameboy.
“Ossy?” Poppy said as she bounced over to the couch beside him.
“Yeah.” He looked up, and dropped the Gameboy on his lap.
I rounded the couch and sat on the arm of it. “Go over everything from yesterday with us. We’re trying to piece it together.”
He used his hands to push himself up and settle straighter. “I was watching TV, and I started feeling tired. I don’t know why, cuz I went to bed early after finishing off the s’mores ice cream. Then I stood up to go into my room, and I couldn’t stay standing. I dropped to my knees, and the next thing I remember was waking up outside with you guys.”
Something felt fishy. “Where was Elisa?” I asked.
“She showed up right after you guys left. I told her that you guys were getting ice cream, and I offered to call and tell you to come back for her, but she said she wasn’t in the mood. Then she went to the kitchen and started cooking something.”
Poppy stepped in. “So, do you think Ezra did that to you?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t see or hear him.” His confused expression matched mine. “I saw that dagger of his. If he was gonna take me out, wouldn’t he just stab me or something? Not sprinkle sleeping powder or whatever.”
Poppy turned and looked at me with worry. “Yeah.” She pulled her phone out and tapped on the bright screen. “I think since Elisa is the only one who knows what happened, we should talk to her. She hasn’t even texted me today.”
“Me neither,” Oswald and I said in unison.
We waited a few minutes, and when she didn’t answer, Poppy called her. “Can you come over?” she said when Elisa picked up. She had hit the speaker phone button.
“Sorry, I’m crazy busy today.”
“We need to talk to you about Oswald. What happened yesterday?”
Elisa sighed. “I told you. That guy attacked him.”
I rolled my eyes.
“But what did you see? Just go over everything,” Poppy asked her.
Another annoyed sigh. “I was in the kitchen doing something, and when I looked up, Oswald was on the floor and the jerk was standing over him.”
“Are you positive it was Ezra?”
“Jesus, Poppy, she’s got you using his name too.”
“Answer the question,” I snapped at her. “I talked to Ezra, and he swears it wasn’t him. He wouldn’t have failed if he set out to kill Oswald. Especially if Oswald didn’t get a chance to put up a fight.”
Elisa went quiet for a few seconds. “Well, maybe it was someone else. Someone that looks a lot like him. I guess I’ve really only seen him the one time. Whoever it was, they left when they saw me.”
Nothing in this situation made sense, but I couldn’t see any reason for her to be lying.
“Listen,” she said. “I’ve gotta go. My parents are calling soon, and they’ll flip if I don’t answer. They’re trip is ending, and they’ll be home in a couple days.”
“We’ll talk to you later then,” Poppy said.
“Bye.” Elisa hung up.
Poppy tapped her phone on her chin, and looked at the floor for a few seconds.
Oswald leaned forward, and put his hand on her back. “What are you thinking?”
“I’m thinking that I wish we had cameras in this place, so we could figure this stupid thing out. If there’s a guy after you or us, then we need to know.”
“That would have been helpful.” Oswald laughed.
Poppy turned to him, and rested her chin on her hand. “You don’t seem nearly as worried about this as we are. I’m almost offended.”
He shrugged and leaned back. “Don’t be. I’m alive and that’s all that matters. I had my girl over here—” He gestured to me. “—and her ridiculously spot on instincts to save me.”
“That’s all well and good until one of us gets attacked again. The worst part is not only do we not know who did it, but we don’t know how. What could have knocked you out?”
“I don’t know. But we all know to be on the lookout. If we all stick together, then we can be safe. We just need to get Elisa back over here in case she’s in danger too. If one of is, then I think we all are.”
I hoped that he was wrong, but I had a feeling he wasn’t.
Chapter Twenty-Eight: Always
Ezra
My day had been spent playing solitaire and drinking. Sadly, I ran out of whisky hours ago and I was unpleasantly sober. I couldn’t even remember what I used to do in quiet moments before Anastasia came into my life. Even if I could remember, I wouldn’t want to do anything but be with her. Sitting quietly in a room with Anna felt better than any kind of entertainment that I used to partake in.
I threw my playing cards and tried to knock over the empty bottle on the floor. The concrete had been covered in cards that I didn’t care enough to pick up.
I dropped the rest of the deck on the floor, and got off of the bed. I thought maybe I should’ve eaten. I hadn’t done so since the day before, at the diner.
I opened the fridge, and pulled out a bottle of water. That counted as food, right? I was low on actual food, so it would need to do.
I broke the seal on the cap and tossed it on the counter. The water didn’t ease my pains. Not only from hunger, but everything else.
I set the water down and closed my eyes, focusing on Hell. When the dry air hit me, I focused on another place.
My eyes opened, and I appeared at the diner that I’d brought Anastasia to. The one where she told me that I’d had a friend. I stood just outside of it. I pushed the doors open, and took my seat.
The waitress came by, and I ordered my usual. Once she left, I looked at the empty space next to me, and sighed. I missed my little blonde nuisance. The whole world felt emptier without her beside me.
Pointless.
The day we came here, she’d opened my eyes to something that should have been obvious. But apparently, I missed a lot of obvious things. I’d spent every second with her for weeks, and somehow didn’t realize I was in love with her.
I had become a different man now. I understood things that I didn’t before. I wouldn’t choose to be blind anymore. I couldn’t even if I wanted to.
The waitress came back with my order, and I forced myself to eat.
I finished half before I decided not to torture myself anymore. I left the money on the table, and I couldn’t get out of the place fast enough.
It had become another painful reminder of what I’d lost in my life. I’d tried hard to not get attached to things, because I knew how much it hurt to lose them. I used to think that it spared me from the pain. I stepped out of sight and stared into the dark sky. The stars were visible in the unpopulated area.
My eyes shut again, and I went back to Hell. I should’ve gone home, but no part of me wanted
to. I just wanted her.
I opened my eyes again, and stood in the street, looking up at her room. Only her light remained on this late at night. I put my hands in my jacket pockets and decided that I should stay and watch over Anastasia for a while.
I stared for a long while before I saw the window slide open. When her leg stepped out of it, I hid. I didn’t know why. Maybe I didn’t want her to know that I cared enough to watch over her. If she knew, and if I knew, then there we wouldn’t beat this thing. The second it became real for the both of us, it would be the final part of my resolve crumbling. I knew what decision I’d be left with, and I knew what my choice would be. It wasn’t even a choice.
Anastasia reached the bottom of the stairs and started walking out into the darkness. I followed behind her on foot.
She walked down the street and past the few cars on the road. It seemed like she knew her destination. Somewhere I’d never seen her go or hear her talk about.
We ended up at a little pond down the road. It was mostly dark, but the moon shined off of the water and cast the area in light.
Anastasia crossed the grass and went to a huge tree near the water. The branches looked thick and long, stretching in every direction. She grabbed a hold of one, and climbed up.
She sat, perched on a branch. Then she started crying.
My game of hiding ended, and I no longer cared if she knew how crazy I was for her. I walked over to the bottom of the tree, and looked up at Anastasia.
“Strange place to come for a cry,” I said.
She sniffled and looked down at me. She didn’t seem surprised that I was here. Maybe a little relieved. “If I cried at home, Poppy might hear me and ask what’s wrong.”
“Would you tell me what was wrong if I asked?”
She stayed quiet, so I did the only thing I could do. I climbed up with her.
“Please tell me what’s wrong,” I asked when I sat on the branch opposite hers.
Anna’s watery blue eyes looked into mine. “It’s really hard trying to be alive. I wanted to do it, for those people, but it’s just getting more and more difficult to find reasons.”
“You have all you had before. You have your friends.”
“It’s not enough. I want more than I can have. More than I deserve to ask for.”
“What do you want?”
She took a few breaths and looked down at her knees. I moved forward and pulled her onto me. I cradled Anna in my arms, and she rested her head on my chest. I asked her the question again.
“I want to have not died at eighteen. I want to be at home, in my own bedroom. To have a home. I want my mom… and I want to feel something other than pain and emptiness. I want to feel my heart beating in my chest. Racing when it should be.” She put her hand over my heart. “Because it should race when you touch me. It’s really, really wrong that it doesn’t. It makes it seem like it matters less than it does. I wanna get to grow up. Have kids. I want to be alive. I want…” She stopped talking, letting her voice trail off.
I wished that I could give her all of the things in life that she wanted. All she had been cheated out of. That’s not what life is. It’s losing things and still finding a reason to keep going.
I held on to my reason, and said, “Do you still want me?”
“Always.”
The word hung in the air like a gunshot. I felt it in my head and my heart and my soul. It dissolved all of the anger in me.
I held Anna to me for what could have been an hour. When she finally spoke, it sounded broken. “You pushed me away.”
When she tried to kiss me after she left my loft, I thought. I didn’t let her. Instead I pushed her away and drove off. “I did.”
“Why?”
“Because I felt like I didn’t deserve the absolution that you gave me. And I didn’t want to be forgiven, or excused for what I’ve done.” I paused. “Before, I didn’t want you to know what I was, because I thought it would make you frightened of me. Repulsed. Then, when I did tell you, I wanted it to do that. I wanted you to hate me, because I thought that would make this easier. I thought that if you hated me, then I could hate you, and I wouldn’t be so broken over what you did to me.” I sighed. “But I told you, and you weren’t scared. You said you understood. That did something to me. Then you kissed me, and I knew you weren’t lying. It was all too much for me.”
“You don’t hate me?” Her hand clutched at my shirt, and she pressed her face closer to me.
“I have never hated you, Anna. Not for a second.”
She looked up at me, and her eyes became watery again, but there was a tiny smile on her lips. “You called me Anna.” Her broken relief sounded like a hallelujah. Anna moved her head back to where it had been, and put her hand on my side. “If I tried to kiss you, would you push me away again?”
“No.”
I didn’t wait for her to kiss me. I tilted her chin up, and lowered my face down to meet hers. She parted her lips for me, and I felt home again. Her hand held my face and mine went to her hip.
An eternity later, when we parted, she looked into my eyes. “We have a bit of a problem, don’t we?”
“That we do, Pet.”
“How do we solve it?”
I didn’t have an answer.
“Oh.” Her eyelids dropped a little. “We don’t.”
“I see no solution. Do you?”
She put her head back down. “Let’s just lie here for a while and pretend that this can work out. That we can have all of the things that life robbed us of. Tell me about our house in Scotland.”
I smiled, and kissed the top of her head. “It’s quite lovely. Five rooms. I don’t know why. I just built them, because I thought it would be sad to only have one.”
“So, there’s plenty of room for our kids?”
“Of course. The ten of them can share the rooms. We can build another if we have to.”
She laughed. “Ten. You think I’m having ten kids?”
“What’s wrong with that? I had eight siblings.”
“Because birth control didn’t exist when you were a kid.”
I ignored her panicky voice. “And a dog. We should get a dog.”
“Ten kids… and a dog?”
“At least one.”
“Are these kids all boys?”
“No. Our oldest is a girl. Her name is Evelyn. She’s tall, like her father. Sarcastic, like her mother. My hair and your eyes. She likes reading, and not boys.”
Anna snickered. “I bet boys like her.”
“Oh, they do, but her father likes to sit on the porch holding his dagger. They don’t come ‘round often.”
“Good.”
“I should tell you about our wedding day.” I rubbed her hip.
“Please do.”
“It was a Tuesday. You thought that getting married on a Saturday was too cliché.”
“Sounds like me.”
“You had on a long white dress that dragged on the grass. It was flowy and perfect for you. You had a blue orchid in your curled hair. It matched your bouquet and my tie. The sun was shining, but it wasn’t too warm out. My vows were nothing short of amazing. You cried.”
“Were my parents there?”
“Yes. Your father gave you away. He adores me. Said that I deserved you.” I waved my hand. “I didn’t agree, but I decided to keep you anyway. I had to. You are my life.”
That was the only true thing about what I said. “Where did we go on our honeymoon?”
“I took you all over the world. You wanted to see every ocean. You made a sandcastle on a beach in Mexico, and I read to you. At every hotel we went to, I’d carry you over the threshold. Then we would absolutely defile the room.”
She giggled.
I told her more stories of our fake life and our fake family, never once letting on that I didn’t believe in what I said. I lost myself in it a few times, and when I realized again that I spun these stories, it took me a few seconds to recover. The sting lasted, but I
didn’t stop the stories.
Everything I said felt right for us, and I wanted it all. I wanted the wedding, the house, the kids, and dog. I wanted her.
Anna kept talking about my heartbeat. Marveling in it. She didn’t know that it beat for her.
Every part of me belonged to her.
It hurt even more to know that she wanted it. She wanted me the way that I wanted her. Her heart may not have beat, but it was not the only one that broke.
“…and you insist on celebrating every holiday with a big dinner. All of us sit around the table, and our youngest sneaks the dog food when we’re not looking,” I said.
Anna didn’t say anything, and I looked down to find her eyes closed. I didn’t know how long she’d been sleeping, but I didn’t want to move her. She looked peaceful for the first time in too long. The pain had gone from her face.
I couldn’t keep her. I knew that. Wanting something didn’t make it yours to take.
I thought about if I’d met her before she died. If I had been human and not evil. Would she have wanted me then? Would we have gone on dates and gotten to know each other like normal people did? Would she have given me a second glance?
I let my head slip into that fantasy. A human life with her. She’d have her family and be happy. I’d have her. She was all I wanted and needed in life. We’d make a family of our own, and live a quiet, easy life together. Live and die like humans.
But if I had been human, I would have died long ago.
The centuries of pain and numbness had been worth what I got out of it. Even if it was only for a little while and would destroy me in the end. I got to be real for a time. I got to feel like a person should’ve, and I got to love someone like I didn’t believe possible.
I moved us out of the tree without waking Anna, and I walked her home in my arms. I didn’t want her to wake and see me leave.
When I got back to the apartment, I carefully walked up the fire escape and went into her bedroom. I laid her head down on the pillow that she somehow took from our bed.
The very last thing I did was take the jacket off of me and drape it over her. It belonged to Anna anyway. I should have never taken it from her. She should have a physical symbol of how I also belonged to her.
