Leveled

by Jay Crownover

  The noise inside the auditorium echoed and bounced as excited fans made their way from the entrance to their seats. I touched his elbow and Lando stopped and looked at me with lifted eyebrows. “So what happened?”

  I saw his quick intake of breath and watched as he debated how to answer me. He was opening his mouth to reply when an arm was suddenly slung around my neck in a strangling hug and my torso was bent over as a big hand smacked across my abs.

  “If it ain’t super cop. Long time no see, Dom. We miss you around the station, dude. When you getting your lazy ass back to work?”

  I grunted and straightened up to see a couple of my fellow patrol officers dressed down and off duty, clearly here for the game as well. The one that had jumped me was Devin Shea and the other was his partner, Diego Ramirez. Both had been in the academy when Royal and I had been going through the paces and both had been there the night I got shot and fell. They were good guys, good cops, and part of the brotherhood I missed so much I could taste the bitterness of the loss on my tongue.

  I rubbed my stomach like the smack had hurt worse than it did and gave the men a scowl. “I’m working on it. How about you take a header off a ten-story building and see how quickly you bounce back, hot shot.” I narrowed my eyes playfully. “Dick.”

  He laughed and then got serious. “Heard about your girl and the accident. Sucks to have you both down for the count. We’re short staffed as it is, and it isn’t like the bad guys don’t already outnumber us.”

  I hooked a thumb at Orlando, who was watching the exchange with a guarded expression and had taken a few steps away from my side. “Thanks to this guy and his magic I’m hoping to be back before you know it. Devin, Diego, this is my physical therapist, Orlando Frederick.”

  The three men shook hands as Lando offered up a reserved hello. Devin’s eyes widened and I thought he was going to make a smart-assed remark about me sleeping with the guy responsible for getting me back to work but instead he asked Lando if he was the guy that had handled the rehab of some professional snowboarder that I had never heard of. Lando nodded and before Devin could launch into fan-boy mode I grabbed my guy’s hand and dragged him toward the rink with a shouted good-bye over my shoulder.

  I could feel the tension coiled tightly in the hand I held and I could see it on Lando’s face. Something had just gone really wrong and we were in an arena with hundreds and hundreds of people, so I couldn’t exactly ask him what was up. I made it to the first intermission between the first and second period with the Avs up by a point before practically dragging Lando out of his seat and back towards the parking lot.

  He blustered and asked what in the hell was going on the entire way but I wanted to know the same thing, and inside the arena surrounded by strangers was no place to go digging inside of that complicated head of his. I stopped when we got back to the low-slung car and pushed him up against the side of it with a hand in the center of his chest. He was so startled that he finally stopped arguing and just stared at me.

  “Okay, Lando, it’s just you and me now. Why in the fuck did you go ice cold when I introduced you to the guys from the force? I know you don’t like my job, I get that the idea of fixing me up so I can turn around and very possibly get broken again pisses you off, but those are good guys, friends. So what’s the deal?”

  His mouth opened and closed like he was a giant redheaded fish caught on a line. He put his hand over mine and moved it so that I could feel his heart beating through the heavy fabric of his coat. “You introduced me as your trainer. Not your friend, not your date … I wasn’t sure what kind of role you were expecting me to play with the people in your real life, Dom. I was just being careful. I didn’t want to give anyone the wrong impression.”

  I felt my eyebrows shoot up until they almost touched my hairline. I let out a deep breath and took a step closer so that we were almost touching. I put my other hand on his hip so that there was no doubt I was holding on to him, embracing him.

  “All the people I work with know I’m gay, Lando. Every single one of them. I didn’t hire out a sky writer and have the words ‘I prefer dick over pussy’ written across the sky, but I think the fact that my partner is the most beautiful girl in the entire world and there is zero sexual chemistry between the two of us is a pretty big hint. I’m not big on talking about my personal life at work because cops gossip like a bunch of girls, but everyone knows. Some are cool with it, some aren’t, but I don’t give two shits either way. I’m not embarrassed or concerned about who I am or who I choose to spend time with, and I would never ask you to be careful or be anything other than who you are when we’re together. You’re a good-looking guy, it’s not a stretch for a couple of trained cops to figure out we were on a date and as for introducing you as my trainer …” I shrugged. “I want to get back to work and you have been key to making that happen. That’s where my mind was at when I was talking to Devin. Nothing more or less.” I shook my head and leaned forward so that I could rest my cheek against his. His skin was always so soft. Even when he was rocking a five-o’clock shadow the color of mahogany, it was still baby soft and silky against my skin.

  “The only impression I care that anyone gets is that we are enjoying each other’s company. We like one another. We are choosing to be together for as long as it lasts and that’s it. If anyone else has anything else to say or think about the situation they can fuck off.”

  His hand rose up and wrapped around my wrist and before he blinked those wintery-looking eyes I could have sworn I saw a glimmer of emotion bright enough and hot enough to manifest into tears in that gaze. “I’ve never been with anyone like you, Dom.” His words were a whisper that floated right into the center of my chest. A punch: I could see coming that and duck and maneuver to evade. But those light words carried by murmurs were sneaky and got inside of me too fast to dodge.

  I leaned forward so I could kiss him, so I could show him that I didn’t care who or what or why just as long as it was me and him. He kissed me back, but it was softly, reverently. It was a kiss that said thank you for something I didn’t even know that I did. I slid my hand over the sharp curve of his waist until I could reach his ass under the hem of his heavy coat. I gave the firm globe a playful squeeze and pulled back.

  “I’ve never been with anyone like you either, Lando. You have a good heart, a soft center, but the parts that are hard – that you protect like I might try to steal them away from you – they have some really sharp and ugly pieces to them. I don’t know who made them that way but whoever it was wasn’t worth it.”

  He put his hands on either side of my face and gave me a look that wrenched at my guts. I’d seen heartbreak before. I knew what it looked like because my mom had worn it ever since the day my dad died and Royal had been colored with the same brush for the few months it took her and Asa to get on the same page about their relationship. That’s what was on Lando’s face as he gazed into my eyes. Pure, unfiltered heartbreak.

  “He was worth everything, but he didn’t think our relationship was and there is no going back to try and fix all the things that went wrong.” He sighed and bent forward so that his lips skimmed the outer shell of my ear. “I hurt for a long time, too, Dom. I was a man who was nothing more than my injuries. I did my best to heal, but I didn’t have anything that looked like a new normal until you showed up at my clinic. I want you to know that, however we end.”

  It was my turn to curl my hand around the back of his head and brush my fingers through his longer hair.

  “How can things begin if you’re already planning the ending? Doesn’t seem fair.”

  His breath was warm and tingled the skin at the side of my neck. “You’re right. It doesn’t, so, since the beginning is where things usually seem perfect and the ending is always tragic, why don’t we just skip to the middle? There’re good things in the middle.”

  It was his turn to run his hand over my chest until it came to rest over my heart.

  Indeed … there were very good thi
ngs in the middle and it was that center, that protected core that I think we were both trying to avoid and claim all at the same time.

  Chapter 10

  Lando

  I woke up with a heavy arm wrapped around my chest and a thickly muscled thigh nestled between my own. All in all it wasn’t a bad start to any morning, but the fact that I couldn’t think of any other place that I wanted to be, that it was, in fact, the best way I had ever woken up, made alarm bells jangle in my head and had panic and unease slithering slippery and cold under my skin.

  I saw it as clear as a bell last night when Dom talked to his cop buddies. Saw the longing, the anger that they were doing what he couldn’t do and I understood how much being a police officer really was tied to his identity. I knew he was going to get his job back. With him following his training regimen and finally letting his body heal in the correct way he was already 70 percent better than when he had first walked in my clinic door. His limp was almost gone and hardly noticeable anymore and though his shoulder was still tricky and too tight for him to use as his dominant hand, he was getting so good with his left side that it didn’t seem to matter. He was going to be back on the force, back in the direct line of fire before I knew it, and I was going to be back in the position of caring for a man who cared for something more than a relationship with me. It was disheartening and as cozy as I was, all wrapped up in Dom’s strong arms, I needed some space to get my head on straight.

  I tried to slip out from under him and the covers without waking him up but as soon as I moved his eyes popped open and I was pinned in place by his earthy gaze.

  “It’s Sunday. Where are you off to?” I had taken him back to my apartment after the hockey game mostly because it was closer to the arena than his was and after his declaration that he would never ask me to be anything other than I was, I couldn’t wait to get all over him. I was impatient. I was grateful. I was falling deeper and harder for this gruff cop I knew I was going to be able to hold on to indefinitely.

  My escape plan had the major flaw in it that I couldn’t just bail on him and leave him in my bed while I did so.

  I shoved my hair out of my eyes and scratched my chest absently. “I have a family thing I try to get to once a month on Sunday. Since this is the last Sunday of the month, I figured I’d better make an appearance.”

  He lifted his arms up over his head and stretched, giving me a show of pure strength and masculinity as he did so. He ran a hand over his face and sat up so that the sheet that was barely covering him fell all the way down around his waist.

  “I should rally my sisters and swing by for a visit with my mom, too. I haven’t seen much of her since I started training with you, and I’m sure she wants an update. I should go check on Royal, too. I need to make sure that pretty boy of hers is taking care of her the right way.” There was a tinge of humor in his voice as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed and bent to pick up his jeans from where they had dropped the night before.

  When he was all tucked away, he turned back to look at me where I was watching him over my shoulder. He was pulling his shirt on over his head when he told me, “For the record when you need me gone, all you have to do is say so. My feelings aren’t going to get hurt.”

  I stiffened and opened my mouth to argue, but the sharp glint in his eyes wouldn’t let me. “It’s not that I want you gone, Dom,” I motioned a hand between the two of us. “This is intense and happening really fast when I just convinced myself it shouldn’t happen at all. I’m just trying to catch up.”

  He put his hands on the mattress and bent forward so that he could give me a hard kiss. “Then say that. Don’t make excuses.”

  I scowled as he made his way over to the yellow IKEA chair where he had thrown his jacket. “It’s not an excuse. It really is a family thing.” Not my blood family but family nonetheless.

  He fished his phone out of his pocket and took a minute to scan his notifications. When he looked up, he had his keys in his hands and a serious expression on his darkly handsome face.

  “For the record, whatever we’re doing isn’t a race, so there is no need to keep up. We already decided we’re in the middle, and if you feel like we’re rushing, then that means eventually we’re gonna hit the finish line. Keep that in mind, Lando.”

  Realizing he was dressed and ready to go I pulled myself up off the bed and told him to give me a minute. I took a quick shower and threw on a pair of jeans and fitted gray sweater. I was never much of a T-shirt guy. Probably because I spent the majority of my youth and adulthood in a gym. I wanted my clothes to look like actual clothes and not stuff I could just as easily work out in. I scrubbed my teeth and combed my hair down and even though it all only took around twenty minutes Dom had obviously gotten bored and wandered off to check out the rest of my house. It was a cute little Venerable cottage I had paid more for than I wanted to in the Highland area of Denver, but the craftsmanship and flat-out love for the older home that the seller had put into it couldn’t be ignored. I snapped the gem up the day it went on the market and hadn’t bothered to haggle.

  My house had a lot less black than his did. I liked some color but I did have the requisite flat screen that covered the wall over the fireplace and a few signed jerseys that were matted and framed, that keep the space from looking anywhere close to overly styled.

  Dom was standing in front of a wall that had a few pictures of my family on it and one of my favorite pictures of me and Remy from when we had first moved in together. We had our arms around each other, and Remy’s best friend, Shaw, in all her adorable blond glory, was hugging us both. For a long time Shaw had been the only person in Remy’s life that knew about me, that knew about us. The three of us looked happy, like nothing in the world would stop us from living the lives we were meant to live. How quickly that had all changed.

  Dom tapped the picture and looked over his shoulder at me. “He’s the football player in your office, too. Who is he?” I shouldn’t be surprised by his keen perception. It was part of his job after all.

  I found my own coat where I had abandoned it along with all my common sense in my rush to get him naked and to get myself inside of him last night.

  “Someone that isn’t in my life anymore.” I hated talking about Remy, hated having to admit out loud that he was dead, that I would never see him again, that the world would never be touched by his beautiful and warm nature ever again.

  Dom gave me a questioning look and followed me to the front door. “Not in your life but still on your wall and in your office? And if I had to guess I would say the reason you no longer like football.”

  I bristled a little as we both slid into my car. The weather was steadily getting colder and I was going to have to swap out the sports car for my SUV in the next few months. I kept the big four-wheel drive stashed at my folks’ until the weather really called for it, but I loved my Jag.

  “He was someone that once was my whole world. Not anymore.” It was so hard to say “because he died.” The words always seemed to get stuck in my throat.

  “So it ended badly but you cared about him enough to keep a reminder of him in plain sight wherever you look?” Dom was trying to put the pieces together, but he couldn’t solve the puzzle when there were major pieces of it not even on the table.

  I cut a look across the car that practically begged him to quit asking questions about this particular subject and about this particular man. “It ended as badly as anything can end and I thought I would never get over it.”

  He was quiet for the rest of the ride across town to his apartment. When I pulled up in front of it next to his truck, I heard him suck in a breath and then let it out slowly. “So did you?”

  “Did I what?”

  “Did you ever get over it?” He asked the question carefully like my answer could very well break apart this fragile thing we were building between us.

  I rubbed my thumb over my lower lip and contemplated the truth. When someone you loved died, was taken tragic
ally with no room for resolution or good-bye, it wasn’t something you forgot or moved on from. The guilt stayed with you. The remorse covered you. The what-ifs buried you under mountains of possibilities but eventually you learned how to function with all of those anchors holding you down. Was I over Remy’s death? No, and I never would be, but I had come to terms with my role in it and in his life. That had been a battle hard fought and I wouldn’t ever take that progress or self-growth lightly.

  “No, I’m not over it, but each day I work closer and closer to being okay with things I know won’t ever change.”

  “The new normal?’

  I nodded a little. “Yeah.”

  He had more questions and now some serious concerns. I could see them swirling and colliding in his eyes. But I didn’t have the right words to soothe them away, so I leaned forward and gave him the same kind of kiss he landed on me this morning.

  “I’ll see you at the gym tomorrow. You’re getting really close to your goal. You can probably schedule your physical with both your doctor and your job within the next month.”

  He just looked at me without saying anything and when he got out of the car he shut the door with more force than was necessary. He was upset and I didn’t blame him, but I also couldn’t tell him that he was angry about a dead man. That made me feel too exposed, too vulnerable and where he was concerned, I had done a very good job of insulating myself from the start.

  I tried to push it all to the back of my mind and focus on the twisty, winding mountain roads that lead out of downtown Denver and into the mountains towards the small, upscale community of Brookside. The Archers made it a point to have a family get-together every Sunday and ever since Shaw brought me into the fold I had a standing invitation to join them. I couldn’t always make it considering work and my own family obligations, but I did try and stop by once a month just like I told Dom.