Leveled

by Jay Crownover

  Rule and Shaw now had a baby boy named Ry and he looked so much like Remy that it took my breath away every time I held him. Remy’s older brother Rome was also on his way to getting married and was expecting his second child with his pixie-sized girlfriend, Cora Lewis. They had a toddler, a tiny spitfire who was a carbon copy of her mother, named Remy … or RJ as the rest of the family called her. Not me. She was named after her uncle, and her happy and mischievous personality would have thrilled him. I called her Remy and gave her hugs from both of us whenever I got to see her.

  My boy was alive and well through memory and family. Spending time with the Archer brood always soothed the jagged parts of me that losing one of them had caused. We helped each other remember and heal. Remy would have danced a goddamn jig if he could’ve seen us all together and happy celebrating him the way we tended to do.

  It was Rule who opened the door when I knocked and like I always did when I looked at him I had to take a moment to remember he was not Remy. I had to soak in the colorful ink that covered his neck and hands. I had to zero in on the metal bars that dotted his eyebrow and the hoop that lived in the center of his bottom lip. He usually had some crazy-colored hair that was spiked up or shaved off, but ever since his little boy had been born, he was leaving it the natural dark brown all the Archer boys were born with. It was longer than it had ever been and even had a little curl to it. If it wasn’t for the cocksure grin and the sharpness in his blue eyes that were paler than my own, I would call him pretty. Rule had too much edge to be pretty, but he was close.

  “You good, man?” It was the same every time I saw him. The same question and the same sad look in his eyes. I needed a minute and he gave it to me.

  “I’m good.” He reached out and clapped a hand on my shoulder and pulled me into the warm and welcoming house. It smelled like French toast and bacon. It felt like walking into a full body hug when I so desperately needed one.

  As we walked up the stairs, I could hear Rome arguing with Cora over something and Shaw trying to play the peacekeeper. She was always trying to smooth things over, trying to make sure everyone was happy and getting along, sometimes at the expense of her own happiness. At least, she had sacrificed that until Rule woke up and realized she was a beautiful young woman who had been in love with him for most of her life. I was hit at the knees by a preciously little girl with blond pigtails who immediately lifted her arms up and demanded to be picked up.

  I hefted Remy into my arms and gave Shaw a one-armed hug as she made her way over to my side.

  “I haz a friend.” At least that’s what I think she was trying to tell me but her words were caught between baby talk and being all the way clear. I nuzzled her neck until she squealed.

  I looked at Shaw, who was watching her husband take their son from Dale, the baby’s grandfather so the older Archer could go and set the table. If anyone had ever had their heart in their eyes, it was the woman next to me.

  “Who’s the friend, Remy?” She laughed at me and patted my cheeks with her palms.

  “He haz twucks.” She stuck out her tongue and proceeded to blow a raspberry right at the end of my nose. Cora groaned from across the room as her fiancé, Rome, made his way over to collect his handful of an offspring.

  The big, retired soldier took the squirming child from me and put a smacking kiss on her cheek. “It’s a long story, but there is a five-year-old she now has her eye on and I don’t think it has much to do with his trucks.”

  I laughed and followed him into the room. Margot and Dale Archer had had to do more work than any of us when it came to dealing with Remy’s death. When their son passed away, the entire family’s fractured and already thin ties had snapped. It always did my heart good to see them all together and working, always working and putting things back in the order they should be. Neither Archer brother wanted their kids to go without their grandparents, so it took constant effort from all sides.

  I walked over to the couch where Cora had planted her very pregnant self and bent so I could kiss her on the forehead. “Looking good, prego.”

  She swatted me away with a playful scowl and rested a hand on her swollen belly. “I look like I swallowed a watermelon. This kid needs to make an appearance like today.”

  “Don’t even say that.” Rome barked the order from where he was getting his daughter settled at the table. “I have no desire to rush to some tiny mountain hospital because you’re impatient.”

  She made a face and held out her hand so I could leverage her up to her feet. “I’ll just have the baby in the woods. That’s a thing now. I saw it on TV.” There was a spark of trouble in her mismatched eyes that told me she would always love goading her gigantic other half. In fact, I was pretty sure it was her favorite pastime.

  Rome grumbled something under his breath that immediately had Remy looking up at him and calling out, “Whaz a shithead?”

  That had Margot gasping and Rule almost rolling on the floor with laughter. Rome looked equally horrified and proud of his daughter as Cora crossed her arms over her chest and lifted an eyebrow at her man.

  “She’s at that age where she absorbs everything. Way to corrupt her early, Big Guy.” Rome had the grace to look sheepish and to tell Remy that what she was saying wasn’t something nice to say to anyone. But it was clear the more he tried to correct her, the more interested the little girl was in repeating the word. It was adorable and hilarious to watch a man who had fought for his country, taken a bullet for the woman he loved, and who ran a bar catering to some unsavory characters, lose an argument to a little girl that barely reached his knee. When she got older, the big man was going to be in so much trouble, and the look on his scarred face said he knew.

  When Shaw came back into the room from changing little Ry we all finally sat down to eat. It was easy conversation, what everyone was up to with work, how school was going now that Shaw was back at it, what Cora and Rome needed for the baby, and how the wedding planning was going for them. I basked in the familiarity of it, in the comfort and safety of it all. Nothing here felt like I was getting leveled, taken to my knees and forced to face something I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to handle. At least until Rome looked at me from across the table, sharp-eyed and knowing.

  “So you took on Royal’s partner? How’s that been going for you?”

  I almost dropped my fork, so I clenched my fingers around it tightly. “It’s going. He has some pretty extensive damage, but he’s getting where he needs to be for a medical release to head back to work.”

  Shaw reached out the hand that wasn’t holding on to her sleeping baby and put it on my arm. “Saint mentioned that he’s gay.” She shrugged. “I’ve never asked Royal but if it came from Saint, as tight as the two of them are, I bet it’s solid information.” She wiggled her eyebrows up and down. “Just in case you wanted to know.”

  I let my fork fall and sighed. “I know he’s gay, Shaw.”

  Her mouth made a little O of surprise and I caught Rule’s gaze over her head. I forced a grin at her. “We have a secret handshake that we all know to identify each other with.”

  Her eyes got even bigger until Rule put a tattooed hand covered in ink and a subtle wedding ring on the back of her neck and squeezed. “He’s kidding. Lando has the hots for the guy and felt him out. That’s how he knows he’s up for some dick-on-dick action.”

  “Rule!” Margot barked out his name at the same time Rome did. From across the table, Remy looked at us all with wide, innocent eyes and started chanting, “Dick, dick, dick.”

  Rome growled at his little brother, who was once again laughing hysterically, but the women at the table had their eyes locked on me.

  “Do you like him? Royal’s partner I mean.” Shaw’s tone was soft and a little sad. She loved Remy just as fiercely as I did and I could see the idea of me moving on was as jarring to her as it was to me, though I knew she would never, ever begrudge me any kind of happiness.

  “I do like him. A lot actually, but I don
’t know how seriously involved I can be with someone who has such a dangerous job.” I shifted nervously in my seat. “I don’t think I can handle losing someone I care about again.”

  The mood at the table dipped and everyone was quiet until Rome suddenly leaned forward and poked the end of his fork in my direction. “That’s bull …” His eyes darted down to his daughter and then back up to me. “That’s a lame excuse to keep from putting yourself out there, man. I got hurt at home and it had nothing to do with my very dangerous job. Shaw got hurt and she’s never so much as killed a spider. Royal’s laid up right now with a busted wing because some kid was texting and driving … and Rem,” he shook his head sadly. “That was an accident, too. Bad stuff happens sometimes and it happens to people we care about. You can’t live life insulated because you are scared of getting too close. Ask my idiot brother over there how well that worked out for him.”

  It was pretty much the same lecture my mom had given me about not letting the fear win, only given in a much more authoritarian and no-nonsense way.

  Rule nodded in agreement and leaned over to kiss his wife on the temple. “I told myself I was happy, told myself I was fine. If I didn’t let anyone in, then there was no chance of being hurt, but there also wasn’t the chance of feeling all the good stuff that someone special can bring with them either. There was nobody to love, no one to push me to make me better. There was just me screwing everything up over and over again. That’s a pretty lonely existence, dude, and one I know my brother wouldn’t have wanted for you.”

  Those were some pretty big guns Rule was pulling out because we all knew that all Remy had wanted was for me, for all of us, to have the best life we possibly could. That’s why he was willing to give me up. He knew I needed someone who could be with me fully; who could love me out in the open without shame or regret or any kind of excuses. Someone like Dominic.

  I groaned a little and gave him a hard look. “You play dirty.”

  Shaw laughed. “He does and it usually works.”

  Rome nodded and stabbed at something on his plate. “Seriously, when you’re with someone who has a dangerous job you become the something that makes them remember to be extra careful while they’re out there doing what they have to do. You give them a reason to stay hyper-focused and you remind them every day what they have to lose. You give them something to come home to and that matters.” I was sure he was speaking from experience. He had spent a long time enlisted in the army and, I was sure, had seen a lot of young men eager to get back to their families stateside.

  Was that enough? Remy hadn’t loved me enough or himself enough to come out and be with me the way I needed him to be. It hadn’t been enough. Could letting myself love Dom, going all in with him so that he had a reason to be extra careful, a motive to try and stay as safe as possible, be enough to hold us together?

  I didn’t have the answer, but I knew without a question that my doubt, my hesitation, and misgivings were absolutely strong enough and powerful enough to pull us apart if I let them.

  Chapter 11

  Dominic

  No one would ever call me a romantic.

  It wasn’t in my nature to plan occasions or to try and capture a moment with someone else. I was too practical for any of that mushy stuff. Well, I was before a certain adorable ginger had invaded my life and most of my waking thoughts.

  “What is all this?” Orlando’s tone was soft and slightly startled as I opened the door and ushered him into my apartment.

  “All this” was me needing a moment, needing an occasion and wanting to share that with a specific someone: him.

  I had cleaned my place up, like really cleaned, not just tidied it up like I usually did when he was over. I also called my mom and asked her how to make her lasagna that I loved. I think she went into shock before telling me to just sit tight because she would just come over and walk me through it. I rarely cooked and I never cooked for someone else. Luckily my mother had been married to a cop long enough that she had pretty good powers of deduction. When she showed up she not only had groceries but everything I would need to make the tiny dining room table off my galley kitchen look presentable. I did not shop at IKEA so believe me when I say the area needed all the help I could give it.

  Mom helped me make dinner and peppered me with questions about what was going on the entire time. I really wanted to tell Lando first since he was the reason for my good news, but I couldn’t leave my mom hanging after how awesome she had been, so I told her that finally, after three months of endless work and hours and hours of training, the doctor had given me a clean bill of health to take back to the department.

  I had my physical and training course with the department set up at the end of the week. I was back in fighting form, almost back to work and so excited and proud that I couldn’t contain myself. I deserved a moment and I wanted to have it with the man responsible for getting me there so bad I could taste it.

  When Lando came into the apartment, his eyes widened at the spread laid out before him. I asked him to come over for dinner, which usually meant takeout or heading somewhere to eat. The only time we ate in was when we were at his place and he cooked, so I wasn’t shocked by his surprise.

  “We’re celebrating.” So much so that I actually had on black slacks and a light green button-up shirt instead of my usual jeans and T-shirt. The last time I was this dressed up I had been at a fellow officer’s funeral. It took a pretty serious occasion for me to put the jeans away.

  He bent his head and let his lips touch mine softly as I pulled him in for a kiss. I hadn’t shared with him the fact my doctor’s appointment was today because I wasn’t sure how I was going to react if the man told me I wasn’t ready yet. I’d worked so hard, we had worked so hard, I wasn’t sure that I could simply roll with any bad news without it being devastating. Luckily that wasn’t the case and now here we were and I was ready to throw my arms around him and shower him with gratitude and affection.

  “What are we celebrating, Dominic?” He sounded amused and a little bit confused.

  I should tell him we were celebrating being here together. Things hadn’t looked all that good for a few days after he unceremoniously kicked me out of his bed and ran. For all the talk of not hitting an end or coming to an inevitable finish line, it looked exactly like that’s what we were doing.

  My ego had taken a ding and hollered at me to focus on getting better, to concentrate on getting back to work. My heart had tripped and felt like it had been used for a soccer ball, all while my brain calmly explained that things between Lando and I were indeed moving along fairly quickly and there were still a lot of unanswered questions between us about my future and apparently about his past. My common sense told me this was just another bump in the winding and eventually forked road we were currently navigating together. My brain was smart.

  After a tense two days of silence and no contact, he called and asked to come over. When he showed up, there was a discernible shift in his demeanor. It was like he had made peace with something, but I wasn’t even sure what the battle was about. We ate pizza, bullshitted about nonsense, pretended to watch a crazy reality show about a naked man and woman trying to survive with nothing in the jungle, and then we fucked, wild and uninhibited, on the couch until we were both exhausted. It felt strangely like make-up sex but as far as I knew we weren’t arguing and neither one of us had anything to apologize for.

  Ever since that night though, things had fallen into a fairly easy pattern. He worked, I went to therapy and trained. We spent the night together at either his place or mine and every morning I woke up wrapped around him. It was nice. It was addicting. It was terrifying because I didn’t know how long it would last and I was having a really hard time remembering what life was like before he took up so much room and time inside of it. It used always to be about the law, about my job, now it was about Lando and what was going to happen next.

  “Sit down and eat dinner and I’ll tell you what we’re celebrat
ing.” I gave him a little grin as he looked skeptically at the table and the food sitting on it. “My mom came by and helped me cook. I’m not going to poison you.”

  He ran a finger over the tablecloth and then turned and ran the same finger down the buttons on the front of my shirt. The light touch made my breath hitch and my pulse skip.

  “You dressed up your place and yourself. Must be something pretty special we’re celebrating.” I cleared my throat and actually did the gentlemanly thing and pulled his chair out for him. I don’t think I’d ever pulled a chair out for anyone before.

  “Very special.” I walked around the table and sat down across from him. I asked him if he wanted a glass of the red wine Mom had brought to go with dinner and I could see humor dancing in his eyes as he nodded. Luckily my mom was a smart woman because I didn’t have anything close to a wine opener in my place and the bottle she left had a cap that screwed off. After sloshing the deep red liquid into a couple of glasses, I sat back and we stared at each other for a long moment. Eventually, Lando lifted the glass to his lips and took a swig. When he put it back down on the table he leaned forward a little and asked,

  “You went to your physician today, didn’t you?”

  I balked a little and reached up to tug at the collar of my shirt. “I did. How did you know that?”

  He waved a hand over the table and all the trappings. “This is all a pretty big hint. He cleared you to go back to work, didn’t he?” I wanted there to be some kind of excitement, some kind of enthusiasm in his tone but there wasn’t. He sounded resigned and fatalistic instead.

  “He did. But it’s not like I just get to walk back in and ask for my gun and my shield and demand to be put back on a beat. I have to get cleared by the department shrink, and then I have to pass the department PT test and get requalified with my weapon. None of that is a cakewalk or a guaranteed pass. But this is a big step in the right direction. It’s what we’ve been working towards from the start.”