The Smallest Crack

by Roberta Kagan

  “Oh, Hilde, they’re both so pretty.”

  “Which one do you like?”

  “Yellow, I think.”

  “All right. Try it on,” Hilde giggled. As expected, the dress was a little too big, but when belted it fit nicely. “Do you like it?” Hilde asked.

  “Of course. Are you sure I can borrow it? I will be afraid to eat or drink anything. I don’t want to spill on it.”

  “You can keep it. It’s too small for me anyway.”

  “Oh, Hilde, you are such a good friend.” Gretchen hugged Hilde, and Hilde swelled with happiness. Gretchen was the first real friend she ever had. She felt almost like Gretchen was her sister.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

  The dance was held in the school gymnasium, where the odor of sweat mixed with bleach lingered in the air. The wood floor was polished to a spit shine; the tables were covered with white linen, and Nazi flags and pictures of the führer hung on the walls.

  “Look,” Hilde whispered to Gretchen as they walked by the refreshment table displaying cake and punch. “There is cake. I can’t believe they have enough cake for all these people. It’s hard enough to get sugar to bake a small cake.”

  “I know; I see. Of course, there’s plenty of cake. It’s the führer's birthday,” Gretchen said trying not to sound sarcastic.

  A few couples were moving slowly on the dance floor while a band of three young men played dance music. Most of the girls were on one side of the room and the boys on the other. Nervous female laughter rang out over the music, and a couple waltzed by Gretchen and Hilde.

  Hilde tugged at Gretchen’s sleeve. “Look over there. It’s Hann Meier. He’s here alone. Doesn’t he look handsome?”

  “Yes, he is handsome, but I don’t want you to get hurt, Hilde. He’s alone, but he is probably looking for Thea.”

  “You don’t think he’s heard all the talk about her?”

  “I don’t know,” Gretchen said. Then not being able to stop herself, she added, “I feel kind of sorry for her.”

  “Oh, please. She’s a liar and a Jew. And furthermore, she’s a thief. I bet he’s here alone looking to meet someone new. He’s probably fed up with her reputation. He would be a fool to keep seeing her now. Everyone would call him a Jew-lover.”

  ‘I noticed that Thea wasn’t here tonight, but I thought it was because she was kicked out of the group,” Gretchen said.

  “You’re right. She wasn’t allowed to come because she’s a half Jew.

  Gretchen didn’t want to argue with her best friend, so she said nothing. She just nodded and poured herself a cup of punch.

  “I am going to go over and talk to him,” Hilde said.

  “Wait a few minutes, and he might come over here. Let him ask you to dance.”

  “I don’t want to wait until he decides to ask someone else. I want to get to him first before it’s too late.”

  Gretchen nodded, but she was afraid her friend was setting herself up for rejection.

  “How do I look?” Hilde asked.

  “Fine. You look fine,” Gretchen said, thinking that the dress was a little tight on Hilde. Even though she was just a teenager, Hilde looked matronly, more like one of the older teachers than one of the young girls. Gretchen couldn’t figure out what to do to make Hilde more attractive, so she said nothing.

  Hilde squared her shoulders, winked at Gretchen and then turned and walked over to Hann. Oh my, I hope he will dance with her. Her feelings will be hurt if he rejects her. Yet she is so bold. I have to give her credit for that. I wouldn’t have the courage to approach a handsome, popular boy. If he didn’t approach me first, we would never meet.

  Hilde and Hann were talking. Hilde’s hands were moving quickly as she spoke, and she was laughing loud enough for Gretchen to hear across the room. Gretchen watched Hilde and Hann, thinking Hilde looked almost cartoonish. But then a tall, slender boy with blond hair walked over to Gretchen, interrupting her thoughts and introduced himself.

  “Hello, I’m Norbert,” he said. He was very handsome, impeccably clean with clothes that looked expensive. His features were as perfect as if he were a statue chiseled out of marble. His chin and cheekbones were strong, and his pale hair was full.

  “I’m Gretchen.”

  “Would you like to dance?” he asked.

  “Yes, but I am not a very good dancer,” she stammered. “I don’t dance much, I am afraid.”

  “Well, we will just have to fix that, won’t we? A girl as pretty as you should dance every day even if it’s in front of the mirror in your own home.”

  She put her cup of punch down on the table, and he took her hand leading her out to the dance floor.

  Norbert moved Gretchen across the floor so gracefully that she could almost make believe that she was a wonderful dancer. After the music stopped, he followed her to retrieve her cup of punch and then led her to a seat on the other side of the room.

  Sitting down beside her, he said, “So tell me a little about yourself.”

  “What would you like to know?”

  “Anything? Everything?”

  She laughed. “Everything? I’m afraid that the dance won’t last long enough for me to tell you everything.”

  He laughed too. “Then we will just have to see each other again, won’t we?”

  Gretchen found him charming. They talked about their schools, their teachers, and their families. She learned that Norbert came from a wealthy family. He made it clear without bragging that he did not want for anything. He explained that his family was not aristocratic; in fact, they were not even educated. They’d been fortunate in that his father’s restaurants had become local hangouts for some of the top men in the SS. And at the same time, he made Gretchen feel like the prettiest, most desirable girl in the room. He made her feel that everything she said was important to him. His eyes were fixed on hers as she spoke. Not once did he look at any of the other girls as they sat side by side. His knee brushed hers, and she felt a spark of sexual desire pass through her body. She never felt tingles in the places where she was feeling them now. It was as if electricity was shooting through her body, and every nerve was responding.

  They danced again and again, and before Gretchen realized it, the time had come to go home.

  “I really would like to see you again. My father owns three restaurants with lovely outdoor beer gardens. They are scattered throughout Berlin. I would like to take you to dinner one night. Would you have dinner with me?”

  “I would.” She smiled.

  “Well, then, how about next Friday?”

  “Yes, that would be fine.”

  “Give me your address, and I will come to your home to pick you up. Would seven be too early?”

  “No, it would be fine,” Gretchen said smiling.

  “May I walk you home?”

  “I’m afraid not. I came with a girlfriend, and I have to find her, so we can walk home together.”

  “Everyone is leaving; shall I wait with you until you find her?”

  “No, I’m all right, really. I will find her. Go on home. I’ll see you Friday.”

  After Norbert left, Gretchen searched for Hilde but couldn’t find her anywhere.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  Gretchen was worried about Hilde, and at the same time she was sick to her stomach from all the sugar in the cake and punch. With the sugar being so expensive and not a necessity, she rarely ate so many sweet things. Her belly ached and cramped as she wretched in the bathroom stall, feeling the bile rise in her throat. I should have never separated from Hilde. Never. After she was done throwing up the punch and cake, she leaned against the wall and tried to regain her composure. She knew she would have to go to the leaders of the group and tell them that Hilde was missing. Her heart pounded. Anything could have happened to Hilde, anything at all. Gretchen shivered. She cleared her throat and walked to the sink where she splashed cold water on her face.

  “Gretchen, is that you?” It was Hilde’s voice coming from one
of the bathroom stalls.

  “Are you all right?” Gretchen asked.

  “No, I am not.”

  “Are you ill?”

  “Hann rejected me flat out,” she said, opening the stall door. “All he cared about was Thea. That was all he wanted to talk about. Thea this and Thea that. Would you believe he said he was hoping she would show up at the dance? I mean, is he stupid? Of course she would not be allowed to come to the dance, being a Jew and all. But listen to this. He said that Thea’s father walked out on her mother because of the gossip about her having an affair with the Jew doctor,” Hilde said. Hilde’s face was red and tearstained. “Everyone knows about it. Hann told me first then Judith told me. Her mutti and Thea’s mutti are best friends, or at least they were. Now, Judith’s mutti won’t have anything to do with Thea’s family. They are tainted by Jew blood. They have a bad reputation. Hann didn’t know she had been kicked out of the Bund, so I told him. He didn’t believe any of the gossip, but I told him that I saw everything with my own eyes, and it’s all true. I told him how I saw Thea’s mother and the Jew doctor naked and having intercourse. I told him to look at the bump in Thea’s nose the next time he saw her. I was sure that he would turn his back on Thea once he realized the absolute truth, but he didn’t. Would you believe that he started to cry?”

  “Oh no,” Gretchen said.

  “So I tried to offer him some comfort, if you know what I mean.”

  “Comfort?”

  “Yes, you know . . . the stuff that happens between a man and a woman.”

  “You mean you kissed him?”

  “No, silly. Boys don’t care about kisses. I mean sex. I’ve done it before. Haven’t you?”

  “No. Never,” Gretchen admitted.

  “It usually softens fellows up. They go crazy for it. But not Hann. He didn’t want to do anything with me. I even told him I’d put it in my mouth.”

  “Hilde! That’s disgusting.”

  “They love it. But not Hann. He just shook his head and said no. Would you believe it? He was all broken up over Thea. He said he was going right to Thea’s flat to see if she was all right. I couldn’t believe it. I am starting to think he is a Jew-lover too, just like Thea and her mother,” Hilde said choking on her tears.

  “Let’s get you home and into bed. You’ll feel better in the morning.”

  “I’ll feel better after I tell everyone that Hann is nothing but a Jew-lover.”

  “Don’t do that, Hilde . . .”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

  Hilde never said anything about Hann to anyone, yet she refused to give up on him. Instead, she tried to seduce him by bringing cookies to his house. To get the sugar, she intimidated the Jewish baker by threatening to say he raped her. The Jews would do anything to keep her from calling the Gestapo. Their fear of arrest was her good fortune.

  Hann made it clear that he was devastated to lose Thea, but Hilde was quite certain that if she could just get him into her bed, he would forget Thea and become her boyfriend. Hilde could be relentless when she wanted something. In her mind, it was one of her best traits. She learned early on that if she cried loud enough, her parents would give her whatever she asked. Not because they loved her—she doubted seriously that they did—they were far too consumed with their own lives. No, they gave in because they couldn’t bear to listen to her scream. Although she wasn’t screaming at Hann, she wasn’t going to let him go either. He was gentle but firm as he insisted he just wasn’t interested in her. As time went on, Hann began to withdraw. He stopped answering the door when Hilde dropped in on him unexpectedly. She told herself that no one was home, but in truth, she knew he was avoiding her. Sometimes Hilde waited outside Hann’s flat to walk to work with him. But when she tried walking beside him, he walked so fast that she almost had to jog in order to keep pace. Even worse, he didn’t make conversation with her at all. If she asked him a question, he gave her a one-word answer. She knew he was trying to push her away, but she wanted him too much to give up. She ignored his signals and kept trying to penetrate his hard exterior.

  Hilde had met several of the other boys who were in Hann’s Hitler Youth group. She knew some of them from childhood and some from previous Bund events. Anytime she saw one of them, she asked about Hann. They all said he rarely showed up for his Hitler Youth meetings anymore. He made the excuse he was too busy working. His close friends swore he had also stopped going out to drink with them. One friend said he often saw Hann walking home alone. “He’s been keeping to himself.” The boy shrugged. “Don’t know why.”

  Hilde didn’t know why either, but she constantly speculated. She wondered if Hann had confronted Thea, and if so, what happened between them.

  Hilde soon discovered the truth. Thea’s father had, in fact, believed the rumors and left her mother. No one could blame him; no one wanted the stigma of a wife who was even faintly rumored to be sexually involved with a Jew. Thea and her mother moved quietly out of Berlin without telling anyone they were leaving or where they were going. Gretchen didn’t know if it was because Thea and her mother couldn’t afford to keep their flat without the father’s income and were forced to move in with relatives somewhere, or perhaps they were just running away from all the gossip. Either way, Hilde won. Thea was gone. When Hilde talked to Gretchen about her victory over Thea, Gretchen felt awful.

  “She had Hann in her clutches, and he was too good for her,” Hilde said. “Well, she’s gone now, isn’t she? No one knows where she is, and that’s for the best.”

  “It’s kind of sad. I hope she’s all right,” Gretchen murmured.

  “Oh, please! I hated Thea even before we found out she was a Jew. She was always pretending to be so perfect. Everyone was always saying she was so pretty. She was good at cooking, good at sports. Well, I’ll tell you what she was not good at. She was not good at hiding her true identity.”

  Gretchen didn’t feel comfortable asking Hilde to tell her the truth, but she secretly wondered if the rumors that Hilde had started about Thea were really based in fact. She wasn’t sure how Hilde would react if she thought Gretchen doubted her truthfulness. Even though Gretchen and Hilde were friends, sometimes Gretchen was secretly a little afraid of her. If Hilde could ruin Thea, what could she do to Gretchen if she became angry with her? Gretchen didn’t want to find out.

  Even though Gretchen felt sorry for Thea and her mother, she was too filled with joy to stay unhappy for very long. Gretchen had begun seeing Norbert on a weekly basis. Sometimes he took her to one of his father’s restaurants where they enjoyed lunch or dinner together. Other times, they walked through the park and the Berlin Zoo holding hands. Norbert was the first boy she had strong feelings for; she decided she was falling in love.

  Norbert gave Gretchen her first kiss, and they spent hours hugging and fumbling with each other, whispering how much they cared for one another. They stayed up long after Gretchen’s father went to bed, necking and coming as close as they could to intercourse without actually making love.

  Hilde and Gretchen both graduated that spring. Gretchen had hoped to go to on to the university to further her education, but there was just not enough money. She and her father needed her salary to make ends meet. So, she began working more hours at the factory.

  When summer arrived, the heat penetrated every corner of the factory where Hilde and Gretchen worked. Both of the girls had sweat stains in the armpits of their dresses by 8 a.m. each morning. The overwhelming heat made the days long. By the time afternoon came, they were both tired. Hilde and Gretchen took their lunch break together every day. Sometimes they sat outside while Gretchen divided up their food. Most days one of the girls brought bread and the other brought cold, boiled potatoes.

  “I brought carrots today,” Gretchen said, adding some to Hilde’s plate.

  “Oh good. I am starving.”

  “I know; I’m always hungry,” Gretchen said. “Have you ever wondered what it would be like to eat until you were absolutely full?”

/>   “I have wondered often. Which brings me to another question,” Hilde said, her mouth stuffed with bread. “Are you going to the BDM camp this summer? I bet we’ll get plenty to eat there. Good food too. Maybe meat of some kind. Think of it . . . sausage or chicken.”

  “I forgot about the Bund summer camp,” Gretchen said honestly. “I’ve been so busy.”

  “I think it will be a lot of fun. And the best part of it all is that there is no charge. It’s free, and from what I hear, they will be providing everything you could possibly want. I’m sure we’ll play a lot of outdoor sports games, and there will be activities like swimming. I know how much you enjoy sports.”

  “Yes, I always have.” Gretchen smiled.

  “I know. Far more than I do.” Hilde laughed. “That’s because you’re good at sports. I’m not nearly as good as you. In fact, I have to admit, I’m pretty bad. But that doesn’t matter. What I am trying to say is that we will really enjoy the camp. I think you should come. We can have several weeks together without our parents. My folks aren’t around much, but for you, it would be wonderful. You wouldn’t have to take care of the house or cook for your dad. It would be a nice break.”

  “I know. It would be a lot of fun, and I would love to go, but that would mean leaving Norbert for several weeks. I don’t want to leave him. We’ve become so close.”

  “Isn’t he going? I am hoping Hann will go. I know he’s been isolating himself since Thea left Berlin, but a holiday might be just what he needs to get back into the swing of things.”

  “Norbert can’t go. He has to help his parents with the restaurants. They need him.”

  “Well, if Norbert can’t come, there will still be plenty of other boys at the camp and no parents to keep a watchful eye.” Hilde winked.

  “It really sounds like fun. But I don’t think I can go.”

  “There will be cookouts with the boys . . .”

  “Yes. I think you should go. You will have a good time, but I want to stay home and be with Norbert.”