The Smallest Crack

by Roberta Kagan

  “I realize this. I know you like him, but don’t pass up this wonderful opportunity. Who knows when you will have another chance to take a holiday? Especially one that is completely paid for. We’re about to graduate school. Soon we will be expected to join the workforce full time, and then we won’t have time for much else. And besides, a holiday like this would be far too expensive for either of us if the government wasn’t paying.”

  “I agree with you. You’re right. But Hilde, I think I might be falling in love. I want to stay with Norbert. Can you understand?”

  Hilde’s face fell, and for a few moments, Gretchen just stared at her friend. She was suddenly sorry that she told Hilde how happy she was with Norbert. Gretchen knew that Hilde was terribly disappointed by Hann, and it made her bitter. Although Gretchen tried to put Hilde’s potential for cruelty out of her mind, she knew the truth. Hilde could be vicious. She saw Hilde’s ugly side firsthand with Thea. Gretchen wondered if telling Hilde about her relationship with Norbert sparked the evil flame of jealousy in her, because as she looked into Hilde’s eyes, she saw things she didn’t like. A shiver ran up the back of her neck, and she felt her body shudder slightly.

  “You really think you’re in love? I mean, you think you might marry him?” Hilde asked, practically spitting the words out as if they were vile to her taste.

  “Oh, I don’t know,” Gretchen said, realizing she’d said too much and trying to make things sound less serious.

  “Do you think you might?”

  Gretchen shrugged. “I have no idea. But I can’t go to the camp anyway because my father needs the extra money that I earn. So I will have to work through the summer,” Gretchen lied.

  “Oh, all right. I know how that is. My parents are always nagging me for my pay. I’m really sorry you have to work the whole summer,” Hilde said. The fact that Gretchen was going to have to work instead of going to camp seemed to satisfy her.

  Gretchen saw Hilde’s face relax, and she knew that Hilde liked the idea of Gretchen working all summer much more than she liked the idea of Gretchen falling in love.

  After work, Hilde and Gretchen walked home together. As soon as they separated at the corner to go to their own homes, Gretchen breathed a sigh of relief. She was glad Hilde was going away for the summer. If she could, she would sever the friendship. The expression on Hilde’s face when she told her she thought she was in love frightened her. However, Gretchen dared not break the friendship. Although Hilde had the potential to be a dangerous friend, she was an even more formidable enemy.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  Summer 1934

  At least once a week, Esther would sneak out of the flat she shared with her husband. She could only get away when her husband went into town to buy supplies to keep his business running. But as soon as he was gone, she practically ran the entire mile to Rebecca’s house. How she loved to visit with her old friend. They laughed like children. As soon as Esther saw Rebecca, her face lit up like the golden sun. Somehow, poor Esther had ended up married to a man just like her father. Esther’s husband, Daniel, had a tendency to drink too much, which sparked his terrible and irrational temper. Daniel struck Esther for the least little thing. If she burned a meal, he beat her. If he felt the house was not clean enough, he slapped her across the face. At first, Esther tried to hide her terrible marriage from Rebecca, but when Rebecca saw the bruises and asked about them, Esther finally told the truth. She admitted that her husband was an alcoholic, and not only that, he was a mean and vicious drunk. Then filled with despair, and being a lesbian, Esther knew she could never be happy in the arms of any man.

  Rebecca didn’t know what to say to Esther. It broke Rebecca’s heart to see her friend suffering. She was so distraught about Esther that the next time she went to visit her parents she told them everything that was going on with Esther, except she did not tell them that Esther was a lesbian. But instead of showing sympathy for Rebecca’s oldest and dearest friend, Rebecca’s parents just glanced at each other. Then her mother cleared her throat and gently put her hand on Rebecca’s shoulder and said, “Your father and I have discussed your friendship with Esther. We know that you and her have known each other for a very long time, but lately, when we see Esther at the market, she looks unkempt. Poor Esther comes from a less-than-perfect family. Her father is a drunk, and her mother is always a mess. Her mother walks around the neighborhood with her head uncovered, wearing a dirty dress. They are unrefined people.”

  “Mother! But Esther is my friend,” Rebecca said.

  “Esther is your childhood friend; I know this. But now it seems you have outgrown her. You are now an important woman. You are married to the son of a very well-respected rebbe. And Esther? Well, let’s just say she has become a bad influence. People talk, you know, Rebecca. They will assume that because you spend time with Esther, you must be just like her. She doesn’t mean to hurt you, I know, but believe me, if you are seen with her it will bring you down to her station in life. The best thing for you to do is to find new friends. I’m sure Eli has friends who are married. Make friends with their wives. You could also look for girls who live near you who have babies. Perhaps their luck will rub off on you, huh? And maybe you’ll give me some nachas, some joy? Yes, maybe you’ll make your old mother smile when you come and tell me that you are pregnant finally?” Rebecca’s mother said, gently pinching Rebecca’s cheek. She was trying to lighten the blow of what she just said.

  Rebecca stared directly at her mother with her eyes blazing and shook her head. She was annoyed, but she would never argue with either of her parents. She would never dare to disrespect someone older than her, but especially not her parents. When she realized how brazen she was being by looking at her mother with such open rage, she looked away. Her parents didn’t care about Esther. They always said they were sorry to see anyone suffer. But the truth was they never really and truly cared about anyone who wasn’t a part of their family.

  Rebecca knew her parents were proud of her husband. They felt she had made a very advantageous match, and they didn’t want any interference from an old childhood friend. It hurt Rebecca to know her family could be so cold and calculating, but she knew they were always looking out for her best interests.

  It also bothered her that, lately, all her parents and in-laws could talk about was how much they longed for a grandchild. Nothing else seemed to matter to them. It mattered to her too, and it wasn’t that she didn’t want a baby. She did. Rebecca believed that every woman wanted a child of her own, even though she was secretly terrified of being pregnant and giving birth. Yet she would have put her fears aside had she been able to conceive.

  However, she was too ashamed to tell anyone that most nights Eli fell asleep without ever coming to her bed. He would come home from the yeshiva, wash, eat, and climb into his own bed. In minutes, he would be snoring softly. It made Rebecca feel inadequate. Perhaps she was not pretty enough? Perhaps she was not obedient enough? Perhaps she was not a good enough cook, or her housekeeping skills left something to be desired? She didn’t know, but each day she tried harder to please her husband. And it seemed the harder she tried, the more distant he became.

  She thought of asking him to come to her bed to give her a child. However, she couldn’t bring herself to do so; she couldn’t find the words to say. All she could do was wait until he chose to come to her bed. Most Friday nights, he would make a concerted effort to have intercourse because it was a mitzvah for a couple to become pregnant on the Sabbath. But quite often, even on Friday nights, he was unable to sustain an erection. After clumsily trying for several frustrating minutes, he would return to his own bed without a word.

  She longed to comfort him, yet all she could do was lay there in the darkness with silent tears running down her cheeks and onto her pillow. Rebecca resigned herself to the fact that she was destined for a lonely life. She had no one she could speak freely with except Esther. Eli wasn’t a bad husband—he never struck her or spoke rudely to her. His spe
ech was always mild, and his voice was always soft. He was kind enough to her, but she found it strange that they were married a year now and still hardly spoke to each other. They never had full conversations, and their sexual unions were still awkward and uncomfortable. The worst part was that Rebecca knew Eli did not desire her. It made her feel worthless. After all, she grew up believing that a woman’s purpose in life was to get married and serve her husband. She was raised to be a good wife and mother. It was most important for a good Jewish wife to make her husband happy. His food should be delicious, his home kosher, his clothes clean. He should find her attractive enough to want to give her children. Rebecca could easily see that her husband was dissatisfied with her, and to prove it, she had no children. Rebecca had failed.

  No matter what her parents said about Esther, she refused to abandon her friend. Esther had already told Rebecca that she had no one else in the world. Rebecca cherished the friendship too. She felt unloved by her husband and like she’d failed her family. The only person she could rely on completely was Esther.

  “My husband is a monster,” Esther said. “He doesn’t allow me to make friends. I am living like a sexual slave. If I do something he doesn’t want me to do, he beats me. You’re all I have, Rebecca.”

  “Your husband doesn’t know you come here to see me?” Rebecca asked.

  “No. He would never allow it. He doesn’t even let me go to the shul. If I take too long at the market, he gets angry. And when he gets angry, he is impossible. Last night, he threw a shoe at me because I was taking too long to wash the dishes after dinner,” Esther said, pulling up the sleeve of her dress to reveal a dark purple bruise on her skinny upper arm.

  “Oh, Esther! I wish there were something I could do for you,” Rebecca said.

  “I know you wish you could stop him. But believe me, you do plenty for me just by being my friend. I can’t tell you how much I look forward to coming here to see you when Daniel goes into town to buy what he needs for the store.”

  “Yes, and I am always glad to see you too, my dear old friend.”

  That day, when Esther left, Rebecca felt strange. The door closed, but she could still hear Esther’s footsteps as she descended the stairs to the street. Rebecca looked out the window and watched Esther walk to the corner. Esther was so skinny and small that from the window, she looked like a child dressed in her mother’s clothes. Her old dress was too big for her. Rebecca thought about the wrinkles that had formed around Esther’s eyes and the misery she saw in them. She only looks like a child from far away. But when I look at her face, I can see that she has aged. My poor friend. It breaks my heart to think of how much she has suffered in her life. Rebecca watched through the window until Esther disappeared, then an overwhelming sadness came over her. She wanted to just put her head in her hands and cry. This is not the way our lives were supposed to be. We were supposed to be married and happy. Rebecca felt the tears begin to form behind her eyes. My marriage is far from perfect. I know my husband isn’t pleased with me, but at least he is gentle, and here, in the rebbe's house, I am treated with kindness. What more can a girl want out of life? Things could be a lot worse. Look at Esther. She suffers every day. She suffered as a child because of her terrible father. Now she suffers from her terrible husband. Rebecca put her hands on her heart and began to pray. Dear Hashem, please help my friend Esther. Please protect her and keep her safe. Rebecca took a deep breath, then she went into the kitchen to scrub the floor. If she couldn’t keep her husband happy at least her mother-in-law was always grateful for her help around the house.

  Later that week, Rebecca was returning from shopping at the fish monger where she’d bought a piece of white fish for her mother-in-law. She was carrying the bloodstained package wrapped in white paper when she saw her mother walking down the road toward her home.

  “Mama? Are you coming to visit me?” Rebecca called out. She was glad to see her.

  “Yes, I brought you a fresh challah I baked yesterday,” her mother said. But as she got closer Rebecca could see, in her mother’s eyes, that something was wrong.

  “Mama? Is something the matter? Is Papa all right?” Rebecca was worried. It was not like her mother to look so grim.

  “Yes, your father is fine. But I need to talk to you.”

  “What is it?” Rebecca said as she opened the door to her house. “Come on inside and sit down,” Rebecca said as her mother sat on the sofa, placing the challah, wrapped in a kitchen towel, on the coffee table in front of her. Rebecca was still holding the fish as she sat beside her mother.

  “It’s your friend, Esther”

  “Esther?” Rebecca cocked her head.

  “Yes.” Rebecca’s mother took her daughter’s hands. “Something terrible has happened.”

  Rebecca looked into her mother’s eyes. “To Esther?”

  “I don’t know how to say this, but she murdered her husband with a knife, then she killed herself.”

  Rebecca’s mouth fell open. She turned white. Her body was shaking. “Are you sure?”

  “Yes. I am sure. It’s a terrible shame.”

  “Esther is dead?” Rebecca said in disbelief

  Her mother nodded. “I’m sorry.”

  Rebecca could not speak. The fish, wrapped in white paper, fell from her trembling fingers, landing with a thud on the floor. She put her head in her hands. Her mother moved closer to her and tried to hug her, but Rebecca pulled away. “I’m sorry, Mama. But I need time alone,” she said coldly. If only I could have helped her. If only my parents had been willing to try to help her when I told them about how her husband was treating her. All they cared about was my reputation and the shanda it would be for a rebbe's daughter-in-law to have a friend with such problems. No one understood what a good friend she was and how much she meant to me. Rebecca thought. But it doesn’t matter now. She’s gone. My poor, dear friend, my poor, dear Esther. At least you won’t have to suffer anymore.

  “Rebecca, let me make you some tea,” her mother said. “You’re so pale, you look like you have been possessed by a dybbuk. Pew, pew, pew, God forbid.”

  Rebecca glared at her mother. “I don’t want anything. I’m going for a walk,” she said, leaving her mother sitting in the living room.

  There was nothing more to say. Rebecca’s mother felt the tears forming in her eyes. She watched through the window as Rebecca ran down the street. Then she left the rebbe's house feeling guilty for having failed her daughter.

  When they were children Rebecca and Esther had sometimes gone to sit on a bench that was under a tree by a small pond. It wasn’t far from the rebbe's house, and although Rebecca had not been sure where she was going when she ran out, she found that her heart led her there. She sat down on the bench and looked out over the water. Then she wept.

  When Eli returned home from the yeshiva he saw the package on the floor. He picked it up and opened it to find the fish inside. Something has to be wrong. Rebecca would never have left this on the floor, he thought. First he went to look for her in the bedroom, but she wasn’t there. Then he searched the house. But when he didn’t find her, he went outside and began to walk. He walked the entire Jewish sector before he came upon her sitting on the bench, her face stained with tears.

  “Rebecca, what is it?” Eli asked.

  “My best friend is dead, Eli. She was not the kind of girl your family would have wanted me to have as a best friend. She was a girl from a troubled family. I am not ashamed of her. I should never have allowed my parents to make me ashamed of her. Her name was Esther, and she was the closest and dearest person to me. She loved me, Eli. She loved me even though I couldn’t love her the way she wanted me to. But her heart was so big and so good that she loved without needing anything from me.” Rebecca was weeping. In between deep, heartfelt sobs she continued, “Her husband was beating her. She killed him, and then she killed herself. I knew he was treating her badly. I should have done something to help her. I told my parents, but they didn’t want to bring sham
e on your family . . .”

  He looked at her, his eyes as deep and dark as a black full moon.

  “Shh, it’s all right,” he said. “ I don’t care about the scandal. I am so sorry for your pain. I wish I had known all this. I would have tried to help.” Then he sat down beside her and took her into his arms. “You can always tell me anything, Rebecca."

  She leaned her head on his shoulder, and he held her as she wept.

  On a Friday night, two weeks after Esther died, Rebbe Kaetzel came home from services feeling tired. It was unlike him not to be social during the Sabbath dinner, but on this night, after he finished saying the prayers, he was out of breath and dizzy. He told his family he was feeling light-headed and had to lie down. Rebecca, his kind, quiet, and obedient daughter-in-law, brought his meal to him in his room.

  What a joy this girl Rebecca was! How he kvelled, his heart filling with pride and happiness when he thought of the beautiful, young wife he found for his only son. She was everything he had hoped she would be. Eli seemed content, if not completely happy, but then, of course, Eli was never happy, not completely. The rebbe understood his difficult son better than most fathers would have. He was aware that his Eli had a restless spirit. His boy was searching for something. The rebbe knew that Eli felt discontent with the world he grew up in. Eli wasn’t sure what he wanted; all he knew was that he was in search of a better way of life. Although Eli thought he was hiding his forbidden books from his father, the rebbe saw everything. He was well aware that Eli secretly read books that were not to be read by Hasidic Jews. But the rebbe remembered that when he was a boy, he too was restless—a seeker in search of something better. Throughout all of his searching, he came to know in his heart that there was no better life than the one he was born into. The rebbe never regretted his thirst for knowledge, but what he did regret was that, in his quest, he hurt his father by arguing with him about the old ways. And now Eli hurt him the same way. Even though Eli never told him, or argued with him, the rebbe knew that Eli was restless and questioned his faith. The rebbe's own restlessness was why he waited so long to marry and have children. The rebbe had waited until later in life, and then there had only been time enough for one son, his precious Eli.