J R

by William Gaddis

  —The hotel bill Mister Davidoff this bellboy just brought it up he they want . . .

  —Tack it on the agency billing and get that typed up I want Bast’s okay on it before he checks out what’s wait Beamish . . .

  —I do have another appointment Mister Davidoff I’d better be off to it, since telephone appears to be the most efficient means of communicating with you I shall make an attempt to . . .

  —Don’t worry about it just put out these brush fires and save your dime see the Boss’s last memo cutting out of pocket expenses has Bast setting the example, pick up an option on five thousand shares at ten the stock opened this morning at fifteen and an eighth and anybody can turn in an expense account twenty pencils and a string of subway rides and feel no pain who’s that Virginia . . .

  —I got that Colonel Moyst at Washington you . . .

  —Hope you got it right this time walk me into the buzzsaw like you did a minute ago hello? Oh and Virginia, Colonel . . .? Told you to get me that Frigicom release hello Moyst? This press release on Frigicom get your gal on with her pad one of our legal eagles standing by here thought you could clear it with CINFO direct the Boss wants it on the wires as soon as . . . what? No this is Davidoff, Davi . . . yes just hold on while she digs for it running the store here with no CO on deck to . . . What he called you direct . . .? Wait how many six thousand brake lining kits at how much? One forty-nine each he must have gone through Mister Bast what’s the . . . No what storage bill on Long Island I’ll have to check it out with him hasn’t said anything to wait here it is under my elbow, she on . . .? Dateline New York, Frigicom, comma, a process now being developed to solve the noise pollution problem comma may one day take the place of records comma books comma even personal letters in our daily lives comma, according to a report released jointly today by the Department of Defense and Ray hyphen X Corporation comma a member of the caps J R Family of Companies period new paragraph. The still secret Frigicom process is attracting the attention of our major cities as the latest scientific breakthrough promising noise elimination by the placement of absorbent screens at what are called quote shard intervals unquote in noise polluted areas period operating at faster hyphen than hyphen sound speeds comma a complex process employing liquid nitrogen will be used to convert the noise shards comma as they are known comma at temperatures so low they may be handled with comparative ease by trained personnel immediately upon emission before the noise element is released into the atmosphere period the shards will then be collected and disposed of in remote areas or at sea comma where the disturbance caused by their thawing will make that where no one will be disturbed by their impact upon thawing period new paragraph. While development of the Frigicom process is going forward under contract to the cap Defense cap Department comma the colorful new head of research and development at the recently revitalized Ray hyphen X Corp Mister make that Doctor Vogel declined to discuss the project exclusively in terms of its military ramifications comma comparing it instead to a two hyphen edged sword forged by the alliance of free enterprise and modern technology which promises to sever both military and artistic barriers at one fell swoop in the cause of human betterment period. Citing as his original inspiration cap p Pater’s line describing cap v Venice as frozen music comma Vogel emphasized the possible importance of Frigicom comma a name he coined from the cap l Latin words for cold and communicate comma to the fields of music and literature period with the perfection of the thawing process comma Vogel envisions concerts comma entire operas comma and books read aloud and preserved by the Frigicom process comma stressing its importance to longer works of fiction now dismissed as classics and remaining largely unread due to the effort involved in reading and turning any more than two hundred pages period new paragraph getting all this? While reservations have been expressed in some scientific quarters concerning these applications of this promised scientific breakthrough comma Doctor Vogel himself calls it quote merely an extension of an age when a man’s mind is turned take out that a when man’s mind is turned loose to soar period unquote. Like the tip of the iceberg comma only a fraction of Ray hyphen X activities are visible to the outside observer period other projects unfolding under Doctor Vogel’s direction include a method of transport so revolutionary no make that radie wait no better just make that new so new it remains classified top secret hyphen sensitive by the Defense sorry cap d Defense cap Department comma which is backing its development under an undisclosed contract with the company and a major university nearby period quote. It’s a basically simple idea that just took a lot of cheek to follow through unquote Doctor Vogel commented when pressed for details comma quote it’s going to make your SST caps look like a trolley car period unquote paragraph. Ray hyphen X comma formerly well known as one of cap a America’s favorite makers of kiddies apostrophe toys comma recently applied make that has recently devoted its expertise in battery and transistor driven products to the medical field as a major subcontractor in the manufacture of hearing aids comma heart pacers comma and other prosthetic devices in the cause of human bet no just leave that devices comma make that a period devices period. As an important new member of the caps J R Family of Companies comma Ray hyphen X continues to operate as a major producer of thermocouples make that also continues, period want to have your gal just read that back in case she just hold on a minute . . .

  —I do have another appointment Mister Davidoff, perhaps . . .

  —Right with you Beamish just want to clear up one, Moyst . . .? While you’re on how are you boys fixed for toilet paper . . . No no the Army, the Army, got a backed up inventory in one of our divisions that . . . roll type yes what . . . enough to last till when . . .? Oh barring a mass defection by the military thought you said a mass defec . . . read what back to me . . . Can’t take the time now no just check it out with our legal beagle here waiting for a call from Senator Milliken probably been trying to reach me while you were . . . No what golf game . . . don’t think the Boss is too big on golf no probably want to send his second in command here Mister Bast seems really go on it just had a practice set delivered to his uptown . . . his calendar that week’s all clear yes set it up any sweat he’ll call them at the Senate Office Build . . . don’t worry about it, takes care of that Beamish want me to run through this release again so you can . . .

  —No no please Mister Davidoff I, I did hear it through and would see no legal difficulties so long as such contracts exist. The details of the actual projects are unfamiliar to me of course but if I heard correctly, I must say the notion of rendering sounds to a solid state by freezing them is simply, is really quite beyond the bounds of even the most childish fan . . .

  —Won’t argue with you Beamish hard to believe what these science boys come up with people sniffers laser beams cut you in half must know what they’re up to, trip to the moon out of Julius Verne one day next day they’re walking around up there eating ham sandwiches come back and peddle soft drinks and postage stamps the Boss thinks we might ring one in on promotion when the wraps are off whatever this transport wait there wait, Virginia get Skinner away from that door think he could hear the piano in there hear it playing all the way over here can’t you Beamish . . .?

  —Yes in fact I was enjoying it, it sounded a little like Biz . . .

  —Where’s the here key to the washroom up the hall give him this Virginia thought he knew when Mister Bast’s . . .

  —But good heavens Mister Davidoff I beg your pardon but, you don’t mean the piano is in the lava . . .

  —Had to take the legs off to get it in there doesn’t bother us at all he . . .

  —But good heavens doesn’t it bother him? playing in the . . .

  —Know what you mean Beamish people trying to help him he doesn’t make it any easier sometimes, give him privacy clean well lighted place he complains about the acoustics think this foundation project was the reason we’re in business hardly get a yes or no out of him have to make half the decisions around here myself, just thought the next t
ime you’re in touch with the Boss might want to put a word in, adding new candidates to his board of directors couple of names I never heard of, company running up toward four hundred million in sales just brought in to do their PR end up running the store thought you might just hold on . . .

  —It’s that Mister Gall calling Mister Davidoff he . . .

  —Who?

  —Mister Gall that writer with the hair and his teeth are all . . .

  —Just tell him to get that Indian script up here or we’ll all be no here give it to me, hello? Yes hold on, oh and Beamish couple of things the Boss wants checked out trademarks I mentioned and this shipping corporation payroll Piscator’s set up be right with you, hello? Yes what’s holding up that Indian . . . When did he leave ought to be here by wait, oh Virginia see where Skinner’s gal’s getting with that black probably this messenger been here all the time hand him a picture book and he forgets what he . . . what? What’s he bringing up a copy of your play for too nobody . . . Nobody here named Walldecker no I will if he shows up don’t worry ab . . . No but what’s holding up this profile on the Boss got Skinner in there ready to . . . that’s your problem you’re the writer all the hard info we’ve got is in that bio I pulled together from . . . Don’t worry about it then leave it hazy, starts off dealing in landfill operations gets into some deals with the government has his eye on Eagle Mills builds up the capital to go after it moves in and . . . Wouldn’t say that no just bring in the emphasis on low-cost operations companywide the . . . Wouldn’t try the team player image no play with this family of companies angle divisional autonomy just keeps an eye on their tax and prof . . . Don’t know that either no tells me the Alabama College of Business but his second in command here lets slip he never made it out of sixth grade probably amounts to about the same . . . Play it up no play it up want to make a big splash in this education market took over Duncan got right to the gut issue how to slash encyclopedia textbook prices help other kids have the opportunities he never . . . Wouldn’t put it that way no played against the welfare issue bleeding hearts he’s not ashamed of the old-fashioned ideas that made America what it . . . Well go up to the library dig out some of the President’s speeches whole Protestant work ethic head of General Motors on free enterprise whole utilitarian pragmatism angle what works, sees how things are not how they ought to be whole approach is what works sort of a two edged sword forged from . . . No getting some sniping from the liberal press want to get across his image sees where the parade’s heading before it does gets out in front of it and leads it right over the . . . what? Well why not look at the three we’ve had in the last ten years oh and this drug donation want to bring in this big drug donation in the southeast Asia market line him up for one of these awards service to humanit . . . have a what? Never heard of one if he has no, might try building one up between him and Virginia here usual warmth trust loyalty she’s been on his . . . what one of her? Last thing you’d want them to see no don’t have one of him either just use Mister Bast’s idea say he’s too busy to have his picture taken helps . . . who Bast? Pretty colorless no, went to conservation school dabbles in music on the side here probably inherits it, the Boss says his father’s a master tunesmith can’t make a living at it has to work as a railroad conductor to support himsel . . . don’t worry about it just clean it up and get it in here a s a p got that? Just a profile we’re pulling together here Beamish the Boss wants to run a version in She sort of a preview of the full length bio, thinks the aura of his success may rub off on it one thing the gals like it’s success, feeling most of his is because he hates to part with a dollar rather find a way to take over the creditor oh Virginia man in the hat there just came in see if his name’s Walldecker, getting pressed for time here Beamish can’t give you much more something else on your mind we can . . .

  —Clear up yes by all means nothing could delight . . .

  —Payroll question you just mentioned yes any of your checks drawn on the J R Shipping Corporation?

  —No as a matter of fact I have yet to receive . . .

  —Subsidiary the Boss had Nonny set up says a check for fifteen percent of his bid on a hull up at auction in Galveston went in wants as many people as possible companywide put on that payroll get in on this six percent government subsidy to U S shipping . . .

  —Mister Davidoff again, while the legality of such an approach sounds highly questionable and I would have to look into it . . .

  —All the Boss wants you to do Beamish check out the legal . . .

  —Setting up a shipping company on the basis of one hull for the purpose of asking the government to contribute six percent of the company’s entire . . .

  —Know what you mean Beamish small potatoes compared to what these wheat dealers pull down seems to think he may bring something off with these bellies though according to Nonny has him looking into export restrictions on U S commodities going in American bottoms may just end up hanging it on Nobili’s Panama branch probably the only reason he bought in there use it as a tax haven transshipping point nothing but a warehouse and oh and Virginia, that letter to Nobili Panama retype it get streptohydrazid right this time and get it off today, one of their drugs the FDA just knocked off the U S market the Boss at you to fight that Beamish?

  —No but I believe I read about it in the papers, they think it may cause deafness in children and I would hardly think he would want to continue its . . .

  —Same one yes must be dropping it wants Panama to notify its overseas distributors no more coming through when they’ve exhausted present shelf stocks who is it Virginia . . .

  —But good heavens what . . .

  —It’s the General Mister Davidoff he . . .

  —Told you to tell him I here give it to me hello, sir . . .? Yes sir I see sir we . . . that we sent over Skyscraper Management and Industrial Marketing and there are no pic . . . I’m sorry we’ll do our best sir yes sir we . . . That you’re leaving tonight yes sir but you do plan to be back by the twenty-first sir? We . . . No sir the date of the field trip by a class of schoolchildren to visit the upt . . . Yes sir I did write the memo sir but the Boss himself came up with the idea a sort of pet proj . . . in connection with our textbook project yes sir the company’s expansion in this field growing faster than defense, publi . . . sir? Oh yes sir no sir I didn’t mean . . . a figure of speech sir I didn’t mean . . . I certainly will in the fut . . . yes schoolchildren to visit the company’s uptown headquarters yes sir the Boss is quite proud of it and wanted them to meet some of the company’s disting . . . No sir to tell the truth I’ve never been up there myself either sir but . . . Done this kind of thing before sir yes sir I’ll arrange a photog . . . No sir I thought we would just give them box lun . . . He didn’t say whether he would be there himself no sir but . . . Yes sir . . . Yes sir I certainly will affirmative yes sir I . . . sir? Hangs up oh Virginia head Duncan off there looks like he’s . . .

  —I believe his patience has reached an end Mister Davidoff and frankly mine is . . .

  —Think he just wait Mister Duncan? Sorry this one’s full have to go up the hall second door past the soldier boy by the mop closet Skinner’s up there give you the key anything else to clear up Beamish let’s skip your legalese get to the point, may have Mister Bast out here any minute few things I have to review with him anybody calls Virginia just tell them who’s that . . .

  —They want Mister Piscat . . .

  —Tell them he’s been wait give it to me can’t tell what he’s been, hello . . .? Not here right now no he’s been . . . Davidoff yes Davi . . . Cohen oh calling on Nepenthe yes ran it up to sixteen today think the Boss is sitting tight on about nineteen percent of the issue just wants control so he can . . . wait no wants to work the nursing homes into this Health Package made to order outlets for Nobili got Hopper here now with his cemetery Brisboy bringing in his funer . . . what? General who? one thing we need right now anoth . . . Oh why didn’t you say so without the h yes why didn’t you say so, thought you were on your
way up brought in one of our own legal boys waiting here now to go over your figures had Piscator run down your Dun and Bradstreet told the Boss you looked a little overextended mentioned controlling interest in another company sounds dead on its . . . Don’t worry about it no just took it as security on the loan help this man Skinner out with his option on a publishing deal got him under management contract real topfli . . . don’t know no joint tenant said the gal he just married picked it up in her div . . . whose name hers? No didn’t see the papers myself the Boss probably has them likes to get hold of those things hims . . . just Piscator’s memo yes didn’t seem to bother him mentioned your interest in this company dead on its feet a lawsuit you’ve been running for twenty years and a wrangle with the IRS all par for the course didn’t seem to bother . . . what? No what just happened . . . He did? but how . . . Tough yes sorry to hear it Coen wouldn’t think anybody would take it that hard see companies going public every day doesn’t change the . . . doesn’t change the book value though does it what’s . . . Didn’t mean it to sound like that Coen sounds like a fine man just meant to ask what’s General Roll’s product line parent company here might be int . . . expanding in paper products yes what about this Nathan Wise you’re tied up with they in continuous forms too . . .? Make what . . .? What I thought you said yes quite a switch how’d . . . Pill came along and knocked them off their feet did it? how many hundred thousand gross in inventory . . .? Certainly is yes how’d you people happen to get into . . . what in player pianos? Didn’t know they used sheep membranes in the mechanisms no one of our divisions brewery uses them in a yeast filtering process George Wonder out there just died great friend of old Senator Milliken seems to take a lively int . . . who Milliken’s family? Big minority stockholders in Nathan Wise pill came in must have wondered what hit them might be able to work something out for you though we . . . waiting for a call from the Senator now yes parent company just retained his old hometown law firm out there keep an eye on some other devel . . . Don’t know no have to put you on with our legal eagle here let you two trade legal gobbledy wait where’s, Virginia? Where’s Beamish sitting right here a minute ago must have gone up the hall Coen have him get back to you oh and Virginia, call I put through to Senator Milliken what happened to that boy over there unbuttoned down to his what’s he doing here . . .