J R

by William Gaddis

  —He’s this messenger Mister Davidoff he brought this stuff from Mister Gall he’s waiting for you to sign . . .

  —Yes where’s never find a pencil here give it to him get him out of here looks like he’d cut his mother’s man in the hat is that Walldecker said he was coming up here for . . .

  —No he said he’s this private detective Mister Davidoff he said he wants to ask you some whereabouts of . . .

  —Find out what he wants piano just stopped in there Mister Bast probably coming out any minute Skinner’s gal make any sense out of that black yet?

  —She said he’s from this place Malwi he said it’s this country someplace he wants . . .

  —All want something just tell her to find out what he wants oh and Vir . . .

  —He said he’s looking for that Mister Schepperman he . . .

  —One thing we really need right now help an artist out once he’ll never forgive you follow you to the grave, cost me one job to get rid of that lunatic so he follows me here tries to unload two tons of rusty iron calls it a stabile now he’s lining up his friends for a handout every black in sight’s an artist, can’t do anything else suddenly discover they’re an artist just tell that one to wait help Mister Bast with that attaché case Virginia lock’s broken papers spilling out didn’t see you come in Mister Bast in there clearing up this publishing jam not leaving though are you few brush fires to . . .

  —There’s one thing I’d like to get taken care of Mister Davidoff, I’ve been waiting for a . . .

  —Here sit down put your case just put it here Virginia move this what’s this . . .

  —It’s that Health Package file you told me to get before when you wanted . . .

  —Don’t think Mister Bast wants to dive into that yet waiting for Brisboy to come up with his funeral figures probably want to get into Hopper’s cemetery with him over there first and . . .

  —Mister Davidoff there’s one thing I want to work out as soon as possible, I’m tired and I still have a good deal of . . .

  —Look tired look exhausted hardly have known you though in this new outfit quite a switch, sort of the unisex look isn’t it trying to handle most of these brush fires myself so you could put your time in on this Foundation project this all the music here?

  —Yes and I’ve been waiting for a call to arrange to record . . .

  —Don’t worry about it got them on the phone myself lined up your orchestra just holding up studio rental till we find how long you run how many sessions we’ll . . .

  —The music lasts two hours and eight minutes.

  —Two, hours . . .?

  —And eight minutes yes, it . . .

  —Symphony hardly runs forty minutes didn’t think you’d want to run over, two hours and, that’s four, eight, nine sessions comes to sixty-four, seventy-two and six nines is, should come to about seventy-seven thou . . .

  —Yes and while I think of it I told them to start looking for a bass flute player they aren’t very common and I said if they could send one up here I’d . . .

  —Bass, flute player?

  —Yes they’re not very easy to find it’s a rather new instrument and . . .

  —Don’t worry about it probably dig one up for you faster than they can oh Virginia want to dig up a bass flute player call the desk might have them take a look in the grand ballroom probably want a kettledrum too don’t you?

  —Two of them yes and in the percussion we’ll want a whip, cymbals, blocks, marimba . . .

  —Better just give your list to Virginia here how many you want of what and . . .

  —Yes well I think sixteen violins and probably ten cellos and, horns, you see this is the horn part right here and . . .

  —Horns?

  —French horns eight of them yes and this, this is where the Wagner tuba comes in, it . . .

  —Probably able to rent one of those someplace have to go out and rent all their instruments you know trying to get together a ballpark figure on costs want to get another press release out on this grant name the amount this time probably run a little more than the Boss expected but I guess you people want to make a splash here probably could have gotten you a name band like the Boston excuse me Virginia? that Senator Milliken on the phone? Been trying to reach me here all day calls coming in brush fires see what it’s like running the store without, who . . .?

  —And you see here I’ve written a pipe organ in in the background if . . .

  —It’s that Mister Beamish . . .

  —Beamish? what’s, excuse me Mister Bast here hello, Beamish? where . . . In the lobby downstairs? what . . . All right yes make it quick Mister Bast and I putting our heads together here on . . . Duncan yes just went up the hall to . . . what do you mean the wrong Duncan he . . . meant to ask him about that Duncan debt to Triangle five years of back paper orders yes Skinner didn’t . . . for wallpaper yes Skinner didn’t . . . oh he does? All lined up before I came on deck have to run over it with Mister Bast here sounds like . . . Sounds like another of Crawley’s stunts can’t take time now to hear about Duncan’s family complications no go over it with Mister Bast here probably just want to absorb the debt as a down payment come up with the balance out of future earnings if . . . Don’t worry about it go for anything in paper oh Virginia, take a look up the hall there for Mister Duncan Mister Bast wants a word with him here little confusion over this Duncan acquisition Mister Bast, Beamish sits here for an hour bends my ear with his legalese never does get to the point has to call back to tell me this publishing house acquisition the Boss meant to pick up this Isador Duncan Company little man gone to the toilet makes wallpaper, wipe out an old debt to Triangle and work out a deal on future earnings . . .

  —Yes I think Mister Crawley and I talked about that yes, he was familiar with the company and . . .

  —Crawley didn’t I tell you? hear me just tell Beamish probably another of Crawley’s stunts know him like the back of my hand Mister Bast get him juggling stock and he . . .

  —Oh oh yes before I leave that reminds me I meant to, to mention money this money that . . .

  —Don’t worry about it not pressing for payment but I had Virginia type up Virginia where’s that billing you typed up Mister Bast wants to okay it here it is yes just didn’t know if you wanted it billed to this new shipping subsidiary or the parent . . .

  —What?

  —Just didn’t know if you, hear me all right? Thought your battery might be running down there think we better bill the parent till these legal beagles get their whereifs and whereases straightened out on the whole . . .

  —But what is it?

  —Boss wants your okay on any billings over two thousand thought he’d told you, started off at two hundred I told him you’d get writer’s cramp billing right here on top for this She project just the preliminary est . . .

  —But fourteen thous, it just says title change fourteen thous . . .

  —Boss likes his messages brief and to the point yes whole changeover in the magazine’s title from Her to She, passive to active image whole new concept came out of in-depth studies on potential readership modern gal’s self-image came a long way baby clean break from this old-fashioned passive Her flat on the back missionary position, new concept gets her right up in the saddle putting the boots to here, just the hotel bill next here it’s . . .

  —This? but it’s, you mean all this and then there’s fifteen percent added on what’s . . .

  —Agency fee SOP in the ad game Mister Bast wouldn’t want us to starve would you long as the Boss is pushing . . .

  —Yes but, but the suite was just billed to the company when I took it I . . .

  —Save you the headaches just had them on the phone here trying to give your General the heave ho got him moved up the hall there as a guest of the hotel long as the Boss is pushing low-cost operations companywide we’re willing to take the . . .

  —Yes all right but then what’s this seven, is this twenty-seven thousand dollars?

  —Whole compa
ny logo project yes top priority from the Boss going rate low in fact gave you a break see what Chase Bank Kodak the big boys ran into for theirs want to get that corporate image across zap! instant they see it people know they’re dealing with a dependable reliable outfit take your bottle of Wonder beer or an ad for new line of Ray-X products names don’t carry much weight alone but back them up with the parent company logo audience knows it’s dealing with a reliable dependable outfit builds your stockholder relationships see it someplace and they feel a nice warmth like somebody in the family just died go out and . . .

  —Yes but, twenty-seven thou . . .

  —Carried as a tangible asset on your books you’re ahead of the game the Boss came up with that one, agency sent out in-depth interview teams combed your subsidiaries from blue collar to white find out where they felt they fit as new members of the J R Family of Companies took a few guidelines tried to combine their image of the parent with the profit motif wanted to get away from the trendy block letter IBM ITTs look like tombstones come up with something alive really get across the corporate image real pride of belonging stockholders know there are people sweating their asses off all over the place to keep their investments rolling to go to bed at night know all’s right with the world, presentation here the agency got together for you to review been so busy I didn’t bother you with it yes that’s, some of the agency teams’ sketches they . . .

  —These . . .?

  —Some of them a little off target see the deadline pressure the agency boys were under get a real feel for the company what these in-depth interviews turned up little heavy on the corporate tit think they tried working in your woman’s lib motive too sense a little resentment here and there of course always happens in these takeovers few soreheads see their future going out the window liked that one up there too wordy but we picked up the Just Rite use it in institutional promotion right down the line wanted to stress the profit motif without hitting you over the head with it name of the game after all something patriotic about the dollar sign feeling like the flag the Boss wanted that kept right out front said to get your approval . . .

  —What on, this . . .?

  —One down here in the corner probably no this corner here yes thought you’d take this one our tastes run pretty close corporate identity there jumps off the page and hits you right between the eyes couldn’t get your okay but gave them the go ahead at X-L to print up half a million matchbooks spread them around the country wherever there’s a prestige market build up the parent company image bookstores that kind of place where the heavy smokers hang out having a case sent to your uptown headquarters put a pile on the coffee table, Boss sent the word down he wants it painted on the tail of the company plane before you take off tomorrow show the flag to the troops in the field and . . .

  —Wait now wait Mister Davidoff where, take off where . . .

  —LaGuardia thought you’d want to get out there the night before the funeral do a little fence mending and . . .

  —Yes but whose wait no this recording I have to take care of this here whole, of recording this whole . . .

  —Don’t worry about it music boys I talked to know their business have it all wrapped up for you when you get back the Boss wants me on deck here for brush fires or I’d go along to hold your hand said he’d go himself but he’s all tied up, parent company’s chief executive officer there to represent him nobody gets their feelings hurt gives this family of companies image a shot in the arm line Milliken up and go from there the Boss said he didn’t think you’d met him oh Vir . . .

  —Look of course I haven’t he knows I’ve never met Senator Milliken and whose . . .

  —Thought this sounded like the best chance you’ll get relaxed friendly atmosphere nobody pushing hoist a few to the dear departed and go from there wouldn’t push too hard on Wonder’s age though Milliken himself must be a hundred takes you right into the Eldercare bill coming up for a vote in the Senate next week need him to do some armtwisting on it goes through and this whole Health Package is off and running might do some logrolling on this free milk program in the schools with the boys from the dairy states trying to get a call through to him offer him a ride out booze it up on the piane a little find out where this USDA project stands government funding to clear out the tobacco and grow pot pull Ritz right out of the red just had Beamish up here gave me the slip before I got to him on this trademark registration can’t drag our heels the Boss thought you might have some brand name ideas only one he’s come up with so far is Ace, agency boys are trying to talk him around to Mary Ja . . .

  —Yes no wait look listen Mister Davidoff he said something to me about this on the phone the whole thing’s just absurd, the government helping them even letting them grow marijuana and asking a United States Senator to . . .

  —Got hold of the wrong end of the stick Mister Bast if you don’t mind my saying so whole point here’s just grading and taxing, big market waiting out there all your big interests having a hemorrhage watching kids and amateurs pocket the profits government missing a tax source like letting your moonshiners work in the sunshine, government grading program going all your big boys get in the act sponsor medical studies canned editorials press releases educate the public, get the hopheads behind them pass the laws and put them out of business, caught growing the stuff be like running a still all the big boys’ brand names already registered can’t drag our heels want to work up some ads for these Duncan lines be all ready to go when . . .

  —All right Mister Davidoff all right! I, I’ll discuss it with J R and now about, about money I . . .

  —Need walking around money for the trip yes a hundred? Oh Virginia get Mister Bast here a hundred dollars out of petty cash better give me fifty too while I think of it taking a couple of the media boys out for drinks later got the Boss pushing this family image might want to work that Just Rite line into this jingle he says you’re doing on the side for Wonder Beer oh and Virginia put mine down on the agency’s account and Mister Bast’s on the parent company’s, something on some tuition bills he wanted me to mention too Mister Bast said you’d get no deduction if the parent paid them wants you to take care of them yourself so you can take the deduction really looks after you . . .

  —Yes well that’s . . .

  —Incidentally that check you had from some school for fifteen thousand two fifteen was it? Looking into that stop payment on it local bank out there having some problems asked for their president said he’d quit and gone to Washington going through some kind of reorg . . .

  —Yes well that’s why that loan you helped me arrange I talked to Mister Crawley about it and . . .

  —Call from his gal on it this morning yes just wanted to check out your figures picking up your option on five thousand shares at ten with a loan against some stock he’s holding in a family account is it?

  —My aunts yes he’s taking care of their inv . . .

  —Put up your five thousand shares as collateral to borrow against and retire the loan their stock’s back in their account and figuring your J R Corp yesterday’s opening at fourteen and a quarter that gives you seventy-one two fifty market value margin limit eighty percent so you come up with fifty-seven, fifty paid back on the loan so you come out with about seven thousand less charges sound right? Should be here waiting for you when you pull in from this trip oh Virginia big box that came in where is it Mister Bast wants to take it with him if he’s going straight from the uptown office tomorrow want to put a copy of that script in with it where thought you just gave it to me . . .

  —That’s it there Mister Davidoff what that messenger . . .

  —What this oh put his play on top yes any sign of this Walldecker yet? Oh and . . .

  —But, but wait Virginia what’s in the box.

  —It’s this Indian suit Mister Bast you . . .

  —Chief’s outfit box is just big because of the feathers guarantee it’s authentic three hundred dollars rental it ought to be, honorary ceremony standing in for the B
oss all the rest of them done up in feathers didn’t want you to be embarrassed he . . .