J R

by William Gaddis

  —Yes I, I feel diz . . .

  —Okay because these here tapes you got ljust remembered, I mean we can play them and boy this here nice attaché case I got you you really let it get busted up where’s my, I can’t hardly see what’s wait a second I left one in here . . .

  ——ca’s all about and holds everything together because nothing works unless, there’s something in it for somebody, so the . . .

  —Hey this is a tape I made there’s this eighth grade at some orange place at New Jersey buying this here share of America where they wanted this here speech I thought you could, hey? you want to hear it?

  —No!

  —Okay we better do these others first anyway these batteries are real weak where’s your, when this car comes I can see what I’m doing they think they can screw me out of everything boy I hardly even got started what’s the, this thing’s suppose to fit right into wait I got it in backwards once we get things fixed up boy this whole health plan thing we franchise it out and that whole Endo deal when we find out how much all that goodwill is worth and like Wiles said we have this here friend at Chase Man there, listen . . .

  ——medicine capsules only cost Nobili a nickel each to make which their dates are like expiring we’d have to dump anyway for this lousy nickel deduction see but like they sell for a quarter so every one we donate we get this whole quarter charity deduction for a nick . . .

  —Sit down hey these batteries are real weak you have to listen real . . .

  ——this here fifty percent tax bracket, see so every nickel capsule we give out we make this here ten cents net profowwwrr ja ach ja ich bin verlor . . .

  —Hey what’s, it’s doing it again!

  —Wait listen . . .!

  ——nein du bist erkoren . . .

  —This singing you did this one too! Right in the I mean holy shit right in the middle of I’m talking about ouch! What’s let go my shoulder what’s ouch!

  —Just listen! shut up for a minute sit still and listen!

  ——nein du hassest mich . . .!

  —No but holy shit Bast! this here tape was . . .

  —I don’t care what it was! I didn’t know I had it I forgot I’d even sit still! Now listen. Once, just once you’re going to listen to something that . . .

  —No but ho . . .

  —And stop saying holy shit! it’s all you, you want to hear holy you’re going to hear it wind the tape back, just once you’re going to keep quiet and listen to a piece of music by one of . . .

  —No but look hey I’m cold I mean how can we sit out here in the dark and lis . . .

  —I’m cold too! I’m cold dizzy sick at my stomach if I can sit here and listen to you talk about how much this goodwill is worth and this here friend at what makes you think we’ve got any friends anywhere! How much goodwill do you think we . . .

  —No wait hey I mean holy shit I don’t mean where everybody’s crazy about us and all, see goodwill that means the excess of the purchase price over the value of these net tangible assets where they really screwed us on that Endo deal see so ouch!

  —That’s not what it means! That’s what I’m trying to, listen all I want you to do take your mind off these nickel deductions these net tangible assets for a minute and listen to a piece of great music, it’s a cantata by Bach cantata number twenty-one by Johann Sebastian Bach damn it J R can’t you understand what I’m trying to, to show you there’s such a thing as as, as intangible assets? what I was trying to tell you that night the sky do you remember it? walking back from that rehearsal that whole sense of, of sheer wonder in the Rhinegold you remember it?

  —Well I, sure I mean we’re still having it Mrs di . . .

  —How it can lift you right out of yourself make you feel things that, do you know what I’m talking about at all?

  —Well sure I, I mean like where there’s this storm so Mrs diCephalis gets the art class to cut out these here big clouds which they pull them over you on this closeline and like somebody’s rolling these marbles around in this piepan you get this here real feeling . . .

  —It doesn’t have to be like that’s what I mean! Music’s a, it’s not just sound effects there are things only music can say, things that can’t be written down or hung on a clothesline things that . . .

  —Okay! could you, I mean could you let go my shoulder this thing’s wound back what am I sup . . .

  —Listen to it then! look hold it up you’ll hear two voices a soprano and a bass, it’s sort of a dialogue between the soul and Jes . . .

  —Okay okay! I mean how can I hear anything if you keep . . .

  —All right listen to iti and his hand dropped from the torn shoulder, his other rose to join it covering his face against a sweep of lights from the road.

  —Okay I heard them, I mean it’s like starting to rain can we . . .

  —All of it! he came forward and coughed, caught one shaking hand back in the other to draw his knees close where his head came down from the wind hollowing the empty shell around them, raising dead leaves in a rush and falling away, driving them back.

  —Hey? Okay I heard it I mean that’s the end of the . . .

  —Is that all?

  —Sure I mean that’s the end of the . . .

  —That’s all you can say? okay I heard it?

  —Well I, sure I mean what . . .

  —Look tell me what you heard then, just tell me what you heard.

  —Well I, I mean you know . . .

  —Why can’t you just tell me what you heard!

  —Well just, because.

  —Because what! what’s . . .

  —Because you’ll get mad I mean you’re already mad! I mean I, everything I say you get mad somebody gets mad I mean how come everybody’s always getting mad at me! What am I sup, hey wait I thought you’re going to sit here a minute I mean just because I . . .

  —It doesn’t matter!

  —No but wait up hey! I mean all this stuff, I . . .

  —Leave it there what good is it!

  —No but if they subpoen it I mean I have to get it back in my locker at school for this here whole . . .

  —Can’t you damn it! can’t you see it’s trash it’s just trash it’s always been trash all of it! The net assets the nickel deductions the man of vision all of it, can’t you see that now?

  —No but, hey? hey Bast? Wait up I can’t hardly see where I’m, hey . . .? he came on kicking through leaves for a remnant of sidewalk,—I mean what did you say this, this here man of vision I mean what’s so trash about that!

  —Because you know it is all of it! You know it’s been right from the start your surprise coup taking over Eagle you were more surprised than anybody, you didn’t even know what X-L made when you had to buy it you asked me what’s a lithograph you never thought of flooding the country with those damn matchbooks till you read someplace you’d already done it like you read the reason you tried to grab that insurance company was its cash reserves, all you wanted it for was you hated to see all those employees paying premiums someplace else you just wanted to pay them with one hand and take it back with the other you know what really happened! That timber you didn’t go after it at all you got stuck with some mining claims and land you didn’t even know where it was in a penny stock swindle like your shrewd downstate interests in that hopeless Union Falls paper right at the start, you knew it wasn’t shrewd downstate interests any more than this man of vision this, these intimate glimpses of you by that cow Virginia you know they’re not real!

  —No okay but hey listen . . .

  —It’s not okay! that, dabbles at the ivories my father’s a prominent conductor on the look how could anybody be a prominent conductor on the Long Island Rail . . .

  —No but that’s what you told me once hey and besides . . .

  —Besides what! I never told you such a grotesque thing in . . .

  —No but besides you never let me finish about that hey wait up holy, my whole sneaker got wet hey wait up!

  —For
what wait up for what! finish about what! Your suave young exec’s teetateet with look you know it’s not real any of it!

  —No but wait I know it’s not real hey! I mean it’s just this neat idea I had where this here naked girl picture I read you it on the train where they got this gossip calumnist to like fix you up with her hey Bast? I mean just this once see where this whole Teletravel thing see once it gets like operational I mean she’s this here whole heiress of these two hundred thousand shares of Diamond Cable hey Bast? where she gets these rights to them once you marry her to vote them when we make this here tender offer hey? then you get this divorce just like everybody hey Bast? Look out . . .! Headlights swept down the highway’s unkempt shoulder where it parted on the ruts of a dirt road—that shit boy! he splashed all over my, hey wait up I can’t even see where you, did you hear me? Just this once hey? Then we go after Western Union we get this whole complex of this cable travel going they think they can screw me out of everything boy I hardly even got started, I mean we get these here banks going we get this energy complex going with this here big gas deposit and this mineral one where you just fixed up this here neat deal with these Indians we get this here whole education market by the ow! Ow ow ow . . .! The wind held his hair on end hunched down on one knee there, lights loomed a shadow back over him, dropped it as they passed—oww . . .

  —Well what happened.

  —This busted sidewalk sticking up I hit my ankle I mean everything’s getting wet holy, I mean couldn’t you even carry this here tape thing it keeps bumping my . . .

  —All right but where! what do you . . .

  —I mean I couldn’t even see you ahead of me just then did you hear what I said? I mean just this once no wait! or I mean what’s, like what was it all for!

  —That’s what I’ve been trying to tell . . .

  —What tell me what! I mean you’re telling me how neat the sky looks you’re telling me listen to this here music you even get pissed off when I . . .

  —I asked you what you heard! that’s all, I . . .

  —What like it lifted me out of mysel . . .

  —Not what I said no you! what you heard!

  —What was I suppose to hear!

  —You weren’t! you weren’t supposed to hear anything that’s what I’m . . .

  —Then how come you made me lis . . .

  —To make you hear! to make you, to make you feel to try to . . .

  —Okay okay! I mean what I heard first there’s all this high music right? So then this here lady starts singing up yours up yours so then this man starts singing up mine, then there’s some words so she starts singing up mine up mine so he starts singing up yours so then they go back and forth like that up mine up yours up mine up yours that’s what I heard! I mean you want me to hear it again?

  —No!

  —See I knew you’d . . .

  —Never want you to hear it again I never want to hear it again myself! you, everything you ruin everything you touch!

  —Wait wait hey quit . . .!

  —Think I could ever hear it again without hearing your, everything everybody! you destroy whatever you . . .

  —Quit kicking it! you, it’s smashed what did you . . .

  —Why not why not smash everything! Charley Yellow Brook in that smashed Cadillac waving a pint bottle telling me the earth is his mother telling me corn is a god talking about water water thanking me for trying to, Mooneyham weeping in his omelette before his heart attack George Wonder hanging onto me when the police took the gun away from him I can trust you Bast you’re the only friend I’ve got if there’s one thing I know it’s brewing they’re pushing me out, it’s all I’ve got Bast you’re the only friend I’ve got and that, that poor Brisboy you’re all we have left smash all of them! Union Falls wipe it all out but your cemetery that simple minded Bunky there selling your purple plastic daffodils to help him out help everybody out everything everyplace there’s nothing you can’t destroy even, even music a glorious piece of music I thought it could rise above anything even your, even you I thought maybe you’d hear something there some speck just a speck in you somewhere might wake up might be exalted for an instant you hear me? Even an instant!

  —Boy after all I did for you . . .

  —All you did there’s nothing you haven’t done for me nothing wherever I go I, that junk pocket radio there was one station with decent music the only station left on the radio anywhere it came on one night noises screaming pounding noise brought to you in this new popular format by the J R Family of Companies bringing America its full share of of holy shit!

  —No but . . .

  —No but nothing! that was you too wasn’t it? even that it was your idea wasn’t it?

  —Okay what’s so . . .

  —Okay nothing it’s the whole thing! the whole rotten thing it’s a perfect example even you can understand it! the one station that played music great music left in the whole loud cheap pounding stupidity of radio you find it and make it cheap and stupid like all the rest if you could, if there was one flower out here in this mud and weeds and broken toilet seats you’d find it and step on it, the minute you . . .

  —Okay wait look is it my fault if . . .

  —The minute you get your hands on something the power to keep something like that going you couldn’t do it you couldn’t even leave it alone for a few people still looking for something beautiful, people who’d rather hear a symphony than eat who can still, who hear a magnificent soprano voice singing ach nein when you hear this here lady singing up mine you can’t get up to their level so you drag them down to yours if there’s any way to ruin something, to degrade it to cheapen it . . .

  —Look is it my fault if this here symphony takes like half an hour to play it! And I mean you say cheapen boy this whole deal it’s like two million dollars in it and I mean like who wanted to buy their lousy station anyway! I mean this here Pomerance’s agency they go around there for us where all we want is like this one hour a night to get our message acrost so they tell us how much and then they get real snotty and say they still control the program content which that’s these here symphonies and all so I mean how many messages are you suppose to get acrost in this here hour where it takes this band half of it to play this one symphony for these here people which aren’t hungry where this other crap takes like three minutes each, I mean what do I care what they play there! Like we’re paying them for this here whole hour aren’t we? I mean if they could get through these here symphonies in like five minutes where we’re getting this bunch of messages in we’re paying for I mean what do I care what they play! I mean who’s paying them to play all this here great music these people which aren’t hungry like at Russia? where the goverment makes everybody listen to it? Like I mean this here station it’s lqsing so much money it can’t hardly last anyway so I mean we have to buy it to help them out I mean what am I suppose to do! That’s what you do!

  —All right all right! Listen I can’t . . .

  —No but holy shit Bast I mean that’s what you do! Like I mean these here Indians is it my fault they think corn is this here god they don’t even have electricity? is it my fault if I didn’t get these here leases off them and leave them stay there somebody else is going to screw them out of the whole thing? Is it my fault if I do something first which if I don’t do it somebody else is going to do it anyway? I mean how come everybody’s always getting mad at me! Like we get Milliken to help fix up these laws to start selling this marijuana to help out these here Ritz stockholders so Beamish gets pissed off and goes and quits just because I did it first like these ads in these here textbooks and all, I mean he gets pissed off at that just because I do if first so then he gets pissed off where I do just like everybody like where we’re franchising out this here health plan, I mean where these nursing homes and funerals and all they have to buy everything off us where we get to charge them what we want and squeeze them out anytime we want is it my fault that’s what franchising is! I mean Beamish even gets piss
ed off where we paint this Triangle water tower like this here giant roll of toilet paper then he respectfully submits why don’t we recycle this here whole encyclopedia I mean is it my fault if we’ve got this like third of a million dollars sunk in it when some wiseass finds out these writers they’ve just been making up entries only nobody knows which ones? I mean then where one of them even says what do you expect for this half cent a word what am I suppose to do, recycle it and throw all these here printers and binders and salesmen out of work so they all get pissed off like at Eagle? I mean like we close the mills so they’re all pissed off about this here vacation time they been saving up like it’s my fault they didn’t take their dumb vacations so they’re going to strike and sue us and all so this here Billy Shorter, I mean just to shut up his union we go and give his stupid kid this Wonder beer distributorship which he screws it up so bad we have to buy it back off him for like fifty thousand dollars I mean what do you expect me to do! Hey . . .? My ankle I can’t hardly, hey? Bast . . .? he pushed shoulder deep from weeds to gather his armload close stepping high over the rutted mud,—I couldn’t see you hey wait a second . . . he paused against a pole of rust signaling the opening with an indecipherable sign—I mean did you even hear what I was just telling you?

  —No I just want to get . . .

  —I mean you’re telling me how I wreck up everything and you don’t even listen! Like this here Bunky, you even said I screwed him sticking him out selling these plastic flowers at this cemetery boy do you know what that shit did? I mean you think he’s so simple minded when we took over Eagle I do his father this big favor, I give him this job handling all these rebates on this cloth where there’s something wrong with it? So this one place they’re getting like twice as many rebates which they’re always way bigger than these other ones too so I’m trying to find out how come they wait up . . .! the weeds closed behind him—how come this one place is always getting so much lousy cloth so I find out there’s no such of a company! I mean we never even would of found out he went and set up this here fake company to give all these big rebates to if he would of just gave them like the same as these real ones only he has to try to grab all the listen! I mean I’m telling . . .