J R

by William Gaddis

  —I heard you! can’t you damn it didn’t you learn anything from that? grabbing ev . . .

  —I mean that’s what I’m telling you! I mean why should somebody go steal and break the law to get all they can when there’s always some law where you can be legal and get it all anyway! So I mean I do what you’re suppose to and everybody gets . . .

  —But why why are you supposed to! that’s what I’ve . . .

  —No sir boy you, I mean like you’re telling me listen to this here singing just tell me what you hear so when I tell you you get so pissed off you smash it because I didn’t hear what I’m suppose to like you’re telling me how great the sky is and all like, I mean like this here night Mrs Joubert grabs me to make me look at the sky where she’s pointing see back there? that top of that like round white thing lit up back of those trees back there she’s holding me against her tit pointing at it so I can’t hardly breathe telling me see the moon over there coming up? is there this millionaire for that? and I, I duck away and she’s pissed off at me too it doesn’t matter she says why couldn’t, I mean why can’t anybody just . . .

  —But she’s can’t you see what she, why did you duck away! can’t you see what she was trying to tell you she . . .

  —What tell her it’s this top of this here Carvel icecream cone stand? tell her does she want to bet her ass if there’s this millionaire for that? I mean you and her boy you’re telling me it doesn’t matter I mean you got what you wanted to didn’t you! I mean you’re blaming me for wrecking up everything and everybody like this here Bunky you know why he did it? I mean this dumb shit he goes and signs up for these like nineteen thousand four hundred dollars of dancing lessons he should have went to jail only I try to help him out, I give him this here franchise of all these plastic flowers where I even tell them to put up these signs you can’t bring any fresh ones in the cemetery on account of cleaning up and helping out pollution and all to pay off these dancing lessons I mean just almost like you can’t you even . . .

  —Like me what what do you . . .

  —This here music I mean what do you think! I mean okay I don’t mean you stole something like him or you walk around like this here funny looking windmill like you said he does only these dumb dancing lessons he has to have I mean this here whole big opera music thing you got to do it didn’t you!

  —But I, why do you think . . .

  —These a hundred musical insterments all playing at once where they like taped it for you and all I mean didn’t you? where you said it’s something you have to do like it’s your only reason to be anybody so I mean what’s the difference if maybe I couldn’t even understand it! I mean just because you know what you have to do without somebody’s always telling you what’s the difference if I look over there and see this icecream cone thing where Mrs Joubert sees this here moon coming up where I’m trying to find out what I’m suppose to do so you say it’s trash? where this here paper says I’m this man of vision so you say it’s trash? where I’m leading this parade where there’s this groundswill of I’m like fit for this big career in public life I mean this here eighth grade at this orange place where I’m telling them play to win only it’s not this game anyway even if you do what you’re suppose to I mean even if it’s trash boy, I mean you got to do what you have to do out of it didn’t you?

  —But I’ve, this music listen that’s what I . . .

  —No that’s okay I just mean didn’t you, that’s all. I mean you don’t need to go around thanking everybody Bast but like where we said we’ll like use each other and I mean where even Crawley he’s telling me how this music’s so important where you’re working so hard on it and all so I mean even where you didn’t hardly open the mail or like even answer the telephone hardly and I didn’t get pissed off because all the time I had these here big plans you know hey? I mean not just for me for the both of us . . .

  —Listen that’s what I’m talking about! I, this chance, I had the chance and I didn’t do what I . . .

  —No but that’s what I’m telling you either did I! I mean from right at the start where I think it’s this big deal loaning money off some bank where I find out you can’t hardly not loan it off them till by now they’ve like got everybody by the short hair I mean I should have just went after some bank myself right at the start! I mean I get all screwed up with these low-cost operations all over the place like that dump I made you have your office at and these bus rides and these forty-eight-cent dollars how did I know the more you can spend the more you get, I mean I should have only went after all this here cost-plus stuff right at the start! Like I mean these here little booklets they never tell you how you get to take this percent of the more you can waste where all these here regulartary agencies like this FCC and PSC and all they’re like right in there helping you out to get all you can? I mean like where you just said I should have went after this here insurance company for this big cash reserve at the start instead of just to insure all these dumb employees which it’s not even them that’s insured anyway hey? where this guy which he’s like getting his insides taken out it’s not even him it’s this here doctor which the more he takes out the more he gets I mean it’s him and these hospitals and everybody, they’re insured they’ll get paid whatever they want because they’ve got these big lobbies and all I mean I didn’t even know what’s a lobby hey! I thought it’s just this place in some hotel where you get to sit down, I mean I’m just finding out everything’s like just the opposite of how I thought is that what you mean hey? Bast . . .?

  —No it’s, look it’s useless no I give up, I can’t . . .

  —No but you can’t give up now hey wait up! I mean just when we find out how everything works hey? Where I mean just because I screwed up this once where we didn’t do all this here PR stuff right hey? I mean like Davidoff and those guys if they wouldn’t have screwed up on all this PR stuff where now everybody’s blaming me for how the whole market’s like diving and all I mean once we do all this PR stuff right hey Bast? where you’re in the paper going to these important functions with this here tuxedo like all these big politicians go around in all the time to these banquets and all hey? where you get to play golf with like Billy Grahey? Wait up I mean this rain it feels like it’s turning into snow hey Bast? I mean listen wait up, like do you need any money before you come to school tomorrow to like pick up your check hey?

  —No . . .!

  —Because I can’t hardly see you I mean what are you going to do then hey, hey? Because like I was thinking hey Bast? I mean where you could go on this here lecture tour just like everybody hey? where you screw everything up so then you get to go on this lecture tour at these neat colleges and all and you write this here book and get to go on tv where you make all this money while you’re figuring up what to do next at these banquets and all hey? Like even that Finders Keepers one I read you on the train if you could just have went to that, I mean I never even got to go once! he stumbled, kicked in the wet weeds and a can tumbled out to the highway’s broken shoulder—like that Union Falls one you told me about right at the start hey? with this banana sticking up out of this pineapple with this peanut butter and marshmallow and all? I mean I always remembered that . . . he got an arm up to pull the wet sleeve across his nose—hey? Because with this here Begg lawsuit and all if we can’t fix something up I mean maybe you could just go bankrup awhile you know hey? Like I got this thing someplace how you get to be declared this here bankrup for like seventy-five dollars then you get to start over hey? I mean it says did you just turn twenty-one been reprosessed bad credit we finance anybody walk in drive out? Then I mean we could just hook that onto that ten dollars that time from those train tickets with interest where you can just pay me it all back on time when you get to start all over hey? I mean I’ll bring it to school tomorrow when you come for this here check and hey listen . . . came blown over the wet weeds,—I even got this here old booklet off the goverment where you still get to homestead like we had at school in the olden times hey?
Where you get like this whole hundred sixty acres free which you just improve it by like chopping everything down I mean I’ll bring it tomorrow too okay? And hey Bast? I mean sometime . . . the wind flung the voice into the weeds, raised it abruptly with—hear this here tape they made you sometime hey . . .? bill for all these horns and kettledrums and all I mean . . . hear it I mean I bet it’s as good as this thing you just made me . . . hey? even if I don’t hear exactly what I’m suppose to . . .? the wind came down, lost any voice but its own till it seized the clash of branches tossed bare over ruts leading into more ruts and the remnants of pavement, the rusted length of a car’s muffler and the sodden heap of a mattress, torn pennants of paper swirled in the leaves and then the sudden iron nakedness of a piano frame still strung pounced shaping in the mud as though to fossilize a bedspring fused at this lonely height of passionate deformity caught now in a glance of lights where the ruts broke off on darkness spread glistening beyond, lights sweeping in with maritime disdain to stop and add a burst of flashlight reduced to the jarring cadence of a man on foot.

  —Hello? this man’s looking for the Bast house, do you . . .

  —So am I where is it!

  —Just a minute officer, who’s . . .

  —Wait who are you buddy what’s the . . .

  —But I’m that’s who I am Bast I’m Edward Bast I’m . . .

  —Mister Bast good heavens! you, I’m Mister Coen the attorney for your . . .

  —But where’s the house where’s my, where’s where’s anything where’s the . . .

  —I’m equally confused Mister Bast yes, I recalled it being just off this corner behind a long hedge but the officer here says all he knows is that this is the new Cultural Plaza, I’m afraid we’re both mis . . .

  —Hedge the hedge yes where’s the hedge where the trees where’s my, wait he’s the you, you you’re one of them one of the police you were here that night the barn, the studio, right here a big room right here you were standing in it a big stone fireplace there was a piano right here right where this car is, a grand piano you told me to get it boarded up you, books there were books torn up all over the floor you said some kids had broken in can’t you . . .

  —Get calls like that every night buddy, want to stop in the precinct check the records if anybody turned in a complaint . . .

  —I want to know where my house is!

  —Told you all I ooph! All right you’re coming in . . .

  —Ow!

  —No wait officer please! he’s, I’m sure he just slipped he’s obviously quite distraught if you’ll just let him come with me I’m an attorney, he’s needed on an urgent matter I fine thank you around this way Mister Bast thank you officer . . .

  —Just get him out of here.

  —Fine yes thank you no this door Mister Bast, be caref . . .

  —Who are you.

  —I’m the, my name is Coen Mister Bast please get in, I tried to reach you some time ago your aunts must have mentioned my . . .

  —Where are they!

  —I don’t know Mister Bast I have no idea, I’ve tried to reach them or you all day I was told the phone had been taken out that’s why I finally drove out here to please Mister Bast get in, you’re soaking wet we can’t stand here it’s beginning to that’s it yes, just get your hand in so I can close the . . .

  —Where the trees.

  —My coat’s on the back seat there put it around you before we, yes could you move your feet I can’t drive if you . . .

  —What’s that thing! that, thing . . .!

  —That yes it’s some sort of a huge metal sculpture that’s what brought the police here, there’s a child caught in it they’re waiting for the insur . . .

  —Look!

  —Where oh, the shopping center yes I confess I don’t recall it across from your Mister Bast close it! Close the door you can’t, you could have been badly injured please, you must . . .

  —The hedge where’s the, flowers that was a field dahlias chrysanthemums and dahlias where, where . . .

  —If you can just sit back Mister Bast yes I think we turn up this way, I’m afraid I have some extremely unfortunate news to . . .

  —Stop the car stop the car . . .!

  —Mister Bast it’s sleeting quite heavily, I don’t think we . . .

  —I’m going to be sick stop the car!

  —Wait wait yes, yes I’m stopping no push that down, yes down that’s, yes can you lean a little further out over the, that’s it yes just get this coat sleeve out of your, there, there yes that ought to, let’s hurry yes we’re right in front of a church they might misinterpret the, you’re sure that’s all now? Yes just just before you wait wait here’s a don’t have a handkerchief wait just, wait here it’s just a polishing cloth if you can wipe off your, you’re sure that’s all? If you can get your here let me slam this door a little harder there, feeling better now? Get that coat around you yes if you can just settle back, it’s quite difficult to see the road . . .

  —There it is! stop there it is! there it is!

  —What there’s what what . . .

  —The house stop we just passed it!

  —Mister Bast please we can’t keep, I can’t drive if you . . .

  —I saw it we just passed it I saw it!

  —Just push this down make sure your door’s locked Mister Bast I may have been mistaken in recalling your house being right off that corner back there but I’m absolutely certain it was not practically next door to a Catholic church, in fact the vehemence with which your aunts expressed their aversion to . . .

  —You a lawyer Mister Coen?

  —Why I yes that’s precisely why I . . .

  —Ever handle a bankrup?

  —Why why yes it’s quite a routine procedure Mister Bast but I’ve come out here on an extremely urgent matter concerning your cousin’s husband Mister Angel, I take it you haven’t heard . . .

  —Get to start over right?

  —Pardon? oh, oh in a bankruptcy yes in a manner of speaking Mister Bast but your cousin’s husband Mister Angel is in the hospital I, I take it you don’t know what’s happened . . .

  —What’s happened wait. Sixteen die in Chicago plane crash?

  —No, no he wasn’t in a . . .

  —Sixteen die in Chicago plane crash I saw it in the paper, don’t you believe me?

  —Why why, why yes but that’s not the, you see Mister Angel is in a coma as the result of a gunshot wound and Mrs Angel your cousin, your cousin Stella, the police have . . .

  —Get to start over, right?

  —Mister Bast perhaps I, I mean you are Mister Bast aren’t you? Edward Bast?

  —With an e Edwerd with an e, Ed . . .

  —An, an E of course yes you understand meeting you for the first time under these somewhat extraordinary circumstances it just occurred to me I might have picked up some wandering please your foot! I can’t drive with your foot under my, that’s better yes of course if I’d left you to that policeman and you really are the Edward Bast I’ve no no be careful! we almost went off the, a terrible cough yes you’re really not well you, you’re not going to be sick again are you? Try to, here pull the coat around you you’re shivering let me turn up the heat, now. Your cousin Mister Bast, your cousin Stella, Mrs Angel? The shock has shaken her severely as I’m sure you can understand, the initial shock of the, the discovery itself of course and then the ordeal of the police investigation questioning, taking descriptions photographing the crime search scene as they re . . .

  —Get the whole place boarded up.

  —Pardon?

  —Dry place to screw where they won’t freeze their nuts board the whole place up.

  —Mister Bast I’m trying to, I’m talking about Mrs Angel your cousin Stella, when I left she’d gone in for a paraffin test whose results I have no doubt will prove negative, howev . . .

  —Weather like this find a dry place to . . .

  —However since her husband’s chance of survival appears extremely slim,
and as a matter of course such situations become the province of homicide investigation and are approached as assault with intent to commit murder until any such possib . . .

  —You a lawyer Mister Coen?

  —Yes I am a lawyer Mister Bast! and I, this is an extremely grave situation in which I am trying to be of assistance. When I left her, Mrs Angel appeared unable to distinguish between the likelihood of being called as a material witness and the idea of being held on suspicion and I thought, I had hoped that if you would talk to her it might . . .

  —Don’t need to go around thanking everybody?

  —No I hardly think that would, Mister Bast I meant only that if you were willing to talk sensibly with Mrs Angel I believe we should be able to secure her release. Otherwise even in the absence of sufficient evidence to detain her on suspicion, the probability of her commitment to Bellevue for the standard ten day observation period would be . . .

  —Get to start over right?

  —Mister Bast I’m afraid you no sit up! You’ve, there’s simply not room for you to lie down in the front seat here while I’m . . .

  —Not pissed off at me are you Mister Coen?

  —Why why, why no but . . .

  —I mean why is everybody always getting mad at me!

  —I, I’m sure they’re not Mister Bast but I do find it difficult to drive in this wind and sleet, if you could . . .

  —Rain or hail fire or snow rift the hills and roll the, get to roll these here marbles around in this piepan board the place up she tell you that?

  —No I, I’m afraid not Mister Bast she, the last time I spoke with your aunts on the telephone I got the impression you were away on a business trip and I have a number of matters I had hoped we . . .

  —Shoe business she tell you that? Place called Trib, Trib, place where the muck runs down to the sea . . .