Luna Caged: Behind the Wall

by Margaret McHeyzer

  He lifts my head, leans down and whispers, “We are your family. Beyond the wall is death. Beyond the wall is evil. You will die if you leave. Only we can protect you.”

  “No, you’re not! Family doesn’t do this.”

  He chuckles, then adds, “You’re a hard one to break.” Then quickly submerges my head again under the water. I try to fight him again. But I feel his other hand come up to the back of my head, holding me under.

  The words are loud, and I can still hear them. But the panic inside my body is enough to fuel me to hold strong. “We are (not) your family. Beyond the wall is (life not) death. Beyond the wall is (good and not) evil. You will die (live) if you leave. Only we can (won’t) protect you.”

  He lifts my head. I try to breathe in, knowing what he’s going to continue doing. I save my words and strength, it’s no use fighting with him. Not when he’s got control over me just by his mere size and power.

  “We are your family. Beyond the wall is death. Beyond the wall is evil. You will die if you leave. Only we can protect you,” he says. I shake my head, not believing him. “Again?” he asks.

  “No more!” I whimper. My head is so wet, I don’t even know if I’m crying or not.

  “See, this is fun.” He pushes my head down again.

  I flail and fight. But the longer he holds my head under, the more my body loses its will to fight. My arms become less frantic. My heart slows. My skin is bursting with pain.

  He pulls me up out of the water. “We are your family. Beyond the wall is death. Beyond the wall is evil. You will die if you leave. Only we can protect you.”

  “No,” I say in a small voice.

  “You’re not learning, Luna.” He shoves my head under again.

  This time I make the decision. They want to hear those words from me. I will repeat the words. But I refuse to believe them. They can break my body, they can break my bones, but they will not break my will.

  He pulls me up, and in a small, tired voice I say, “We are your family. Beyond the wall is death. Beyond the wall is evil. You will die if you leave. Only we can protect you.”

  “What? Say it louder, Luna.”

  I can barely stand; every part of my body is hurting. But I muster the strength to say what I need to so he’ll stop. “We are your family. Beyond the wall is death. Beyond the wall is evil. You will die if you leave. Only we can protect you.”

  “Now, I think you’re saying it to stop this.” He forces my head under once again.

  I have no fight left in my body.

  The fight I have, is only in my mind.

  I don’t even bother trying to swing my arms anymore. He’s going to continue this, regardless of what I say and do. He brings my head up, but he’s still got his hand around my neck squeezing so hard it hurts.

  “We are your family. Beyond the wall is death. Beyond the wall is evil. You will die if you leave. Only we can protect you,” I say as I cough and splutter though it. His hand eases, and he steps back from me. I fall to a heap on the floor, barely able to support my own body weight. I repeat, “We are your family. Beyond the wall is death. Beyond the wall is evil. You will die if you leave. Only we can protect you.” This time, I let tears fall.

  Elder Steven’s shoes go out of view. The floor is wet, and I don’t care that I’m sitting in water. My breath heaves in and out, trying to get air into my body.

  “Good,” he says, and knocks twice on the door.

  The door opens instantly, Elder Steven takes the bath on wheels away, pulling it out of the room. The door closes again, this time, I’m left alone.

  I lay on the cold, wet floor for a long time.

  The voice repeats the same words, over and over again. “We are your family. Beyond the wall is death. Beyond the wall is evil. You will die if you leave. Only we can protect you.”

  No, they’re not my family.

  Beyond the wall is more.

  Beyond the wall there may be evil, but there’s evil inside the wall too.

  They will not protect me.

  I shiver on the icy floor. My clothes are soaked through to my skin. My eyes can barely open because of the swelling.

  But I make a silent promise to myself.

  I will escape from here. I will escape, and go beyond the wall.

  “How are you today, Luna?” Elder Steven asks.

  The voice hasn’t stopped. But I have to put on a brave front. They need to think I’m like them now.

  “I’m fine, Elder Steven.”

  “Your eyes are looking better.”

  I pull myself up off the floor, and lower my head as he enters the small room. I’m not sure how long I’ve been here, but I know there must’ve been a lot of sunrises. There’s a bucket in the corner, which I use as a bathroom. And Elder Steven brings me food. Not a lot, but there’s some. “Thank you,” I say in a small voice.

  The voice continues saying the same thing, over and over again. “We are your family. Beyond the wall is death. Beyond the wall is evil. You will die if you leave. Only we can protect you.”

  “How are you feeling?” The question is loaded. If I say I hate him, he’ll bring in the bath and dunk my head in water again. If I say I’m fine, then he’ll be suspicious of that too. Either way, he won’t believe me.

  I opt for the safest one. “I don’t like being in here. But I’m okay. And I’m hungry.” I rub my hand across my stomach. I can feel how my stomach has sunken in, and I know it’s because I haven’t been eating.

  “Soon, I think you’ll be ready to be re-introduced into our society.”

  I frown at him. “Has anyone asked about me?”

  “Anyone in particular?” He leans against the back of the door, reminding me how I can’t get out until he allows me.

  “Has Cain asked?”

  Elder Steven smiles. The way he draws his lips up, slowly, and intentional, warns on how horrible he actually is. “No,” he answers after a brief hesitation.

  I want to bite back, to challenge him. But I also know the treatment I can expect if I do. And this time he may not stop until he drowns me.

  “We are your family. Beyond the wall is death. Beyond the wall is evil. You will die if you leave. Only we can protect you.” The words irritate me. They annoy me. Other than Elder Steven, it’s the only thing to keep me company while I’m stuck in the small, windowless room.

  “Okay,” I respond to Elder Steven’s lying admission. I know Cain would’ve asked about me. I just know.

  There’s a knock on the door, and Elder Steven steps forward. Elder William enters the room, looks me up and down, then turns to Elder Steven. “Is she ready?”

  “Nearly.”

  “How long before she’s reprogrammed?”

  Reprogrammed?

  “She’s still got fight in her. I can see it. She doesn’t totally believe everything. I always liked the fire she had, but this may be my best opportunity to break everything out of her.”

  Why are they talking about me like I’m not here?

  Because that’s what they do. That’s what they’ve always done. Girls are nothing to them. They talk about us like we’re beneath them. Like we’re here only for them.

  This gets my mind turning. Now I have more questions, questions I’m sure they won’t answer. I bite my tongue, wanting to scream at them, but I’m acutely aware I’m stuck in here and won’t get out until they think they’ve broken me. Is that what reprogramming means?

  “How much longer? We can’t keep her in here for too long. The boy’s asking questions.”

  Boy?

  “A few more days should have her completely reset.”

  Days?

  I haven’t heard those words before. What are they? I want to ask. But I won’t. Instead, I stare at the floor, and not react as they’re talking. “You’ve done an excellent job with her, Steven. At first I wasn’t too keen on using water-boarding, but it seems to have worked in your favor.”

  I want to look up, and yell at them. But if I wan
t to get out of here, I have to keep quiet.

  I hear the door creaking shut, before it closes, Elder William laughs. “This is enough to drive anyone insane.” I notice he lifts his hand and points upward toward the ceiling.

  “It’s getting through to her though.” Elder William laughs again, then the door closes. “Now, where were we?” Elder Steven asks me.

  I shrug without thinking, internally scolding myself. I shouldn’t have done that. “I’m hungry. Please, may I have some food?” I ask attempting to be what I think they want.

  My body is weak, but my brain is sharp. Although I know I’m hungry, I’m still listening intently to every word spoken, especially when they talk about me like I’m not here. I’m figuring out you can learn a lot when you listen. I might not be able to read, but I can certainly pick up on words they say. It’s not so much the word, but the tone. When Elder William said ‘the boy,’ the way he said it with complete disgust, I’m assuming ‘the boy’ indicates someone. And the only someone I’m close with, is Cain. I’ve never known Cain as ‘the boy’ only a man. But, it has to be him. He has to have asked about me.

  I’ll be devastated if he hasn’t asked for me, but I’m confident he has.

  “I’ll bring you food.” My stomach grumbles as if it knows Elder Steven is talking to it. “When I think you’re ready,” he adds with a smirk.

  Usually, I’d tell him how horrible he is. But, this is exactly what he wants. To hear me say something so then he can keep me longer in the windowless room. “Of course,” I say. “When you believe, I deserve it.” I hate saying the words out loud, of even thinking them to begin with.

  “Good girl,” he proudly says, walks over to me, and pats me on the head. This isn’t something he’d usually do. Girls aren’t to be touched, unless we’re being disciplined.

  It feels wrong though. Almost, like he’s making fun of me or something.

  “After this little stunt of yours, I think I’ll talk to William about moving our wedding date up. I’m sure I’ll be able to convince him.”

  The hair on the back of my neck stands. My stomach churns with revulsion. “Who will I marry?” He’s made no secret, it’ll be him. But I need to hear him say it.

  “I’ll be your husband, Luna. I’ll be the one who’ll be in bed with you every night. And soon, you’ll bear my child. And we’ll start all over again, and again, and again.” He’s talking as if he’s proud, and excited. He rubs at the bulge in front of his pants, then lets out a small cough.

  The repulsion I feel fuels my need to get out of here. To finally leave this behind. I’ll take Cain with me. He needs to know everything I know. And we need to leave, together.

  I just have to make it out of this windowless room alive.

  “How are you today, Luna?”

  Elder William doesn’t want to know the real answer. Elder Steven doesn’t care, or he wouldn’t keep me in here. Elder William’s just as bad. He allows Elder Steven to treat me like this, so, why would he care?

  “I’m good today, Elder William,” I say with false sweetness in my voice.

  “You’re looking better. The bruising has gone down.”

  “We are your family. Beyond the wall is death. Beyond the wall is evil. You will die if you leave. Only we can protect you,” the female voice hasn’t stopped chanting. It’s enough to send a person over the edge, but I have the few memories of the outside I keep hold of. They have gotten me through this. They’ve made me stronger, and smarter.

  Not smarter as in I can read, but as soon as I get out of here, I’m going to learn how to do that. But smarter in a way that I know there’s so much more than what they’ve been telling us. And I want to understand everything we haven’t been allowed to learn in here.

  I know there’s more beyond the wall. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. That small part can’t be all of it, it can’t be.

  “I feel better,” I say as I push off the cold floor and back up until I feel the cool of the wall against my clothed back.

  “I think it might be a good idea to bring you out. But, I need to make sure you’re not a threat to the rest of our family.”

  I narrow my eyes and tilt my head to the side. “A threat?”

  “Yes, you see…” Elder William stops talking and walks around to stand opposite me. “If you want to tell anyone about what you saw beyond the wall, I’ll be forced to do something I don’t want to.”

  Shaking my head vigorously at him, I add in a small voice, “I won’t say anything.”

  “Well, Luna. If you do, I’ll be forced to hurt…”

  “I know, me. I know what waits for me and I can promise you, I won’t say a word. I don’t want to be back here. Or to…” The memory of Elder Steven’s happy face as he struck me over and over again, floods my memory. I remember every blow of his hands as they connected with my face and body.

  “No, not you.”

  I look up at him, the vision of Elder Steven dunking my head in the water vanishes. His evil eyes disappear. The smirk of satisfaction he had is now gone. “What do you mean?”

  “I won’t hurt you. Not at all. I couldn’t do that to you.” He walks over to me, grabs my chin roughly in his hand, softly stroking my cheek with his thumb. This is similar to something Elder Steven did to me, just before he hit me. I’m not fooled by his gentleness. “I’ll bring Cain in here, tie him up, make you watch while we torture him. You were water-boarded, I may use boiling water on him. What do you think, Luna? Do you think you’d like to watch that?”

  Dunking his head in boiling water? Who would do something so cruel?

  My mouth is open, and my brows are drawn together. My body is filled with panic and dread. “We are your family. Beyond the wall is death. Beyond the wall is evil. You will die if you leave. Only we can protect you,” the female voice chants.

  They call themselves family, I call them evil. “Why would you do that?” I ask, horrified, and afraid.

  “I’m letting you know what the consequences are if you talk about anything.”

  “I wouldn’t.” Not now, not knowing what Elder William is prepared to do to Cain.

  “So, we’re clear then. If you talk, we’ll have to hurt Cain. And just to give you an extra incentive, if you talk, we’ll also hurt Abigail, Sister Julie and Sister Polly.”

  “Why would you do that?” I ask in a small whisper. I bring my hand to my mouth, even more terrified of saying anything now their safety is in my hands.

  “I’ve developed a safe world here. And if you start telling people there’s more outside, then I’ll make everyone you love bleed, all while you’re watching. I’m not going to have a fifteen-year-old bitch ruin everything I’ve worked for.”

  “A fifteen-year-old bitch? What’s a bitch?”

  The look on his face, morphs very quickly from calm to rage. His cheeks flush, and his eyes widen. “Are you listening to anything I’ve told you?” he screams in my face.

  I’m no longer frightened by anything he’s said. The words are said to control me, put fear into me. They’re not my family, because although I have no idea what family should be like, I know unequivocally, family wouldn’t be so cruel. “I’ve heard everything you’ve said,” I finally respond with ice in my voice. I have to put on a brave exterior for them. Though inside the feelings I have range from anger to sadness mixed with a slight tinge of fear too. I have to be very careful of what I say, and who I say it too.

  “Then I see no use in keeping you in here any longer.” I nod my head, and heed his warning. I take it seriously. “I’ll let Elder Steven know you’re to come out.” I don’t respond. I don’t dare say a word. “Maybe you can reflect on what I said, let it sink in how serious I am.”

  I laugh lifelessly. Let it sink in, he says. “I understand,” I say with a frustrated sigh. “I talk, you hurt Cain.”

  “Precisely, my child.”

  Rolling my eyes, I shake my head. “Your child?” I chuckle again. Then I say the words I’ve heard over and over aga
in. “We are your family. Beyond the wall is death. Beyond the wall is evil. You will die if you leave. Only we can protect you.” My tone is harsh, and angry. “Only we can protect you,” I say again. “Only we can protect you.” I spit the word ‘we’ at him. “I feel so incredibly protected here.”

  Elder William smirks at me. “I’m glad we have a clear understanding then. Until I see you on the outside, Luna.”

  Outside. What a word. I’ll be more confined ‘outside’ than I am here. At least in here, I know they’re watching me, playing the same recording over and over again. Beyond these walls, I have all the room I could want to move around in, but I’m still held against my choice. How much freedom do I really have?

  None.

  He closes the door.

  The voice keeps playing.

  I sit on the floor, lower my head, close my eyes, and remember the images of beyond the wall.

  I can’t wait to get back out there again, but I know it won’t be anywhere near as easy to leave again. Without realizing it, I fall asleep.

  “Is this what you wanted to happen?” I look up, and see everyone staring at me. My wrists are tied behind me, at the whipping pole.

  “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again,” I scream.

  Elder Steven laughs. “We gave you the opportunity to say nothing. We warned you about what was going to happen.”

  I desperately seek Cain’s eyes to help calm me, but he’s nowhere. I can’t see him anywhere. “Where’s Cain?” I yell.

  “Cain’s dead, because of you.”

  “NO!” I scream and cry.

  “You brought pain to Abigail. You brought death to Cain.” Everyone murmurs. “Should we continue to allow Luna to bring you all pain and death?” Elder Steven calls to everyone.

  “No,” everyone choruses together.

  “Should we allow Luna to bring disruption to our community any longer?”

  “No!” everyone says, this time with more anger in their reply.