Aaron would let June touch him forever if he could. And he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t hoping they would get intimate again—so much that he had to ignore the growing erection in his boxers in favor of more unpleasant thoughts.
He had no idea if June wanted to do it again (especially so soon), and his better judgment told him not to ask, but it didn’t stop the craving in his chest. Rationally, Aaron knew he’d initiated enough, and June would have to come to him this time. Besides. Kissing was enough. Holding each other and whispering was enough. June, even without the physical aspect of their relationship, was enough. And he would continue to be enough so long as Aaron didn’t fall off the thin tightrope he walked.
Courting June was a lot like playing a game of Operation. Aaron could hold the metal prongs and reach inside, but if he slipped or made the wrong move, he would lose. And June would turn his back on him and (probably) never let him play again. Aaron didn’t particularly like those chances but found the game thrilling anyway. He’d bide his time, stay focused, and most of all, be careful. With enough practice, he might eventually master it.
Later, after the fog lifted out of Ventura County and revealed another boiling day of sunshine, the two of them were forced to vacate the hotel room via angry housekeeper. Aaron apologized profusely in the doorway while June darted back and forth, stuffing everything into his bag. They left a generous tip to make up for the inconvenience and went on their way.
The drive was long and much more tedious than it had felt on the way down. Traffic and heat set both Aaron and his car on edge. The A.C. ran hard and did little to calm his nerves beyond the blaring of horns and a painfully slow backup from a semi that had flipped. He played music softly, hoping to instill some level of calm, but after a while felt it was a lost cause. June shifted around irritably next to him; fueling his annoyance.
“Is Portland this bad?”
Aaron pushed his brake pedal down for the millionth time and came to a stop behind an old Chevy. Exhaust billowed putrid and grey every time it jerked forward.
“Not usually.” He drummed his fingernails against the steering wheel and sighed. “Sometimes in the center of town when it’s rush hour.”
“We don’t have a rush hour in my town,” June mused, adjusting the sun visor and squinting. He was just short enough that it didn’t make a difference at this time of day. “There’s never any traffic.”
“Must be nice.”
June gave up trying to block the sun from his face and just used his hand. Shifted around until he had one bare foot propped up on the dashboard.
“I’ve never seen you grumpy like this.”
Aaron snorted, unable to explain himself. He usually found driving (especially long distances) rather soothing and good for his health. He liked the windows down and the wind his face. But Southern California was a mountain that required mental preparation, and the only thing on his mind was the replay of last night.
June tilted his head back and closed his eyes. Breathed in and out.
“Tell me something.”
“Yeah?”
“Have you ever done…you know, stuff like that before? Like last night?”
Aaron used the road as an excuse not to look at June and swallowed hard. This wasn’t his favorite subject in the world, considering most nineteen-year-olds (especially ones with ex-girlfriends) had already lost their virginity. It was a little sad he still hadn’t, and while discovering his new and more fitting sexuality did explain a lot, it didn’t excuse his actions in the past.
The truth was, his girlfriend had tried to go down on him once or twice. Tried to seduce him in a storage closet at work. Tried to ambush him at his house. Tried everything. And Aaron had stopped her every single time. He’d feigned feeling ill once and admitted to his fear of the dark every other time. She’d been insecure enough not to want to have sex with the lights on, and the guilt over the whole thing had worn on Aaron for months. Stuck with him up until she cheated on him and ruined his career at the radio station.
“Not…really. No,” he murmured. “I mean…my ex wanted to do stuff like that but I…I never let her.”
“Cus, you’re gay,” June said curtly. And was that a hint of satisfaction in his voice? “How come it took you so long to realize it?”
That was a good question. Aaron didn’t have a clear answer, but he did understand it was a misconstrued notion of his fear that took him so long.
“I guess I was just anxious all the time because most people have sex in the dark,” he began. “I really thought that’s why I couldn’t do it. Because of the expectation.”
June looked at him now, but Aaron kept his face forward to hide the embarrassment. Out of the corner of his eye, he could tell June was watching, analyzing him. He wondered why it mattered in the first place.
“You know, you aren’t as bad in the dark as you think you are.”
That was something Aaron had heard once or twice or a hundred times in his life. He sighed because he knew it was a lie. A grown adult should not have to leave a bathroom or hall light on to function outside of his own home.
“That’s nice of you to say, but really. Yeah, it is that bad.”
June shifted one foot from the dash to the other. Crossed his arms stubbornly. “I’m serious. I didn’t even know you were afraid of the dark until you told me. And I’m the most intuitive person I’ve ever met.”
Aaron almost smiled. Cocky bastard. “I hide it really well because I’ve had years of practice.”
“I bet if you took the energy you use to hide your fear, and put it toward conquering your fear, you could get over it.”
And there it was. The good-natured piece of advice everyone who met Aaron always wanted to tell him. He’d heard it before. Conquer your fear quickly; lock yourself in a closet and wait it out! Try and pace yourself, little by little get used to darker spaces. Mind over matter. Just get over it. Electric shock therapy? Maybe!
No word of advice ever helped, though. Aaron had exhausted himself for over ten years trying all those things (minus electric shock therapy) and still ended up failing. Sure, some things had gotten easier over time, but there was no pattern to how it happened or what he did to make it happen. It was like his subconscious would all the sudden release one of the snapping, snarling beasts inside of him. And without reason or warning, Aaron would find himself content to go to movies or walk out to get the mail at his parents’ house or yank a nightlight out of an outlet.
He never expected to get over the biggest parts of his fear, and he’d gotten by for this long, so it seemed silly to punish himself trying to go further. He didn’t want to keep trying. Instead of battling his inner demons, he wanted to make peace with them.
A thread of anger—that may or may not have been caused by the asshole who cut him off—stirred in Aaron’s chest.
“You know, for once in my life, it would be nice to meet someone who didn’t want me to change.”
The words sounded harsh, even in his ears. He regretted them instantly. Clenched his jaw and tightened his hands on the steering wheel. When the traffic came to another dead stop, he looked at June with a pained expression.
June didn’t look offended. He looked like Aaron had just challenged him to a brawl.
“You think I want you to change?”
June’s voice was incredulous and tight. Tighter than Aaron had heard it in a long time. He wished he could turn back time and suck the words back into his mouth. It wasn’t worth June’s anger. Wasn’t worth losing the game he was playing.
“I don’t want you to change,” June insisted. “I just want you to feel safe inside your own skin.”
He’d heard that a time or two as well. Guilt festered inside of him, making him queasy (or maybe it was all the stopping and going).
“It’s part of me.”
“Aaron…”
“It’s been part of me for as long as I can remember.” He slammed on his break a heartbeat before rear-ending the shitty ca
r in front of them. Gut twisted in a knot of anxiety. “June, you don’t understand. I have no control over it!”
“Hey,” June snapped. Voice low. “I know exactly what it’s like not to have control over something, okay? Don’t tell me what I don’t know.”
“You don’t know what it’s like to live with this.”
“You’re giving up on yourself! Don’t you want to be normal?”
Frustration turned to resentment instantly. Aaron felt those words cut through him like a knife; jabbing at his organs and twisting. Stung just as badly now as it had when he was a kid, and his classmates bullied him. This was exactly the reason why he tried so hard not to let people know.
Normal.
Of course, Aaron wanted to be normal. He’d grappled with normal his whole life. When he was a kid, his therapist had instructed him to look himself in the mirror and tell himself he was normal every day until he believed it. It took eleven months and three days to break through that mindset, and then when he did, it had been crucial for him to stay away from people who belittled him.
Rationally, Aaron knew June was not belittling him. But it hurt all the same.
“Aaron?”
He ignored him. Focused on the road and saw the flipped semi a few car lengths ahead of them. It was half melted and charred black; licked from previous flames and still smoking. The smell of it made Aaron’s nose curl.
“Great.” June pulled his foot off the dash and slipped farther into the seat. He pushed his face into his hands and stifled a groan. “Aaron, come on! You know that’s not what I meant.”
Aaron just shook his head, relieved the road ahead of them looked clear, but still just as aggravated. Maybe it was immature to feel this attacked by June’s unfortunate choice of words. Or maybe he was just too emotional. Either way, he didn’t care.
“Pick a CD.” He waved June off, refusing to meet his gaze. “I don’t wanna talk.”
It took all twelve songs of Nirvana’s In Utero for June to finally pull his head out of his ass and say something. He didn’t know exactly why Aaron was so upset with what he’d said, but he did realize he wasn’t always the most empathetic person in the world. And seeing Aaron angry and hurt made him kind of want to jump out of the moving vehicle into oncoming traffic. June couldn’t stress this enough. He. Did. Not. Want. To. Hurt. Aaron.
What June wanted seemed to escape him entirely though. The conversation he’d had with Angie this morning hung over his head like a ton of bricks on a wire. Just waiting to snap. If he couldn’t stand seeing Aaron upset over something as trivial as this, then how in the world was he supposed to get through telling him about the thing.
He didn’t know why, but the words of All Apologies resonated with him, and during the end of the song he could tell Aaron had softened. Relaxed his hackles and let a wall or two come down between them.
“I’m sorry.” June lifted his hand and gave Aaron’s elbow an awkward nudge. “Sometimes, I don’t think about what I say. It just comes out.”
A gentle, green eye glanced at him in profile.
“I know. It’s okay.”
“Ugh.”
“Hey, so, tell me something.” Aaron watched the expanse of farmland and highway around them. Raised a hand to brush his hair back nervously. June was still hung up on how easily he’d demolished Aaron’s feelings. Shame left an awful taste in his mouth. Made him wish Aaron wouldn’t forgive him so easily.
“What are we?”
June couldn’t begin to answer that question. Everything in his mental filing cabinet came flying out. Scattered around the highway. Metal drawers dented and unhinged.
“What do you wanna be?” he asked because right now, he’d give Aaron anything he wanted.
Aaron blushed, although the only way June could tell was because his ears matched his sunburn. He waited, curling and uncurling his hands into fists over his shorts.
“Well…I like you just the way you are. So…I guess I’d like to be…you know, together.”
June’s heart ached, but he nodded. He’d known this was coming, and in no way shape or form did he ever plan on denying Aaron. He couldn’t.
“I-I like you, Aaron.” He almost choked. These were words he’d never said to anyone before. “I like you just the way you are too. I promise.”
Maybe their little argument was in the past now, or maybe it wasn’t. June didn’t know. But he did know that Aaron’s hand slid effortlessly into his own, and that had to mean he at least accepted June’s apology. He gripped it tightly, somehow feeling worse than he had before.
Aaron could afford to be a little meaner toward June. Honestly, that would make things much easier.
14
Hanging By A Moment
It’s safe to say most first real relationships are messy. Hypercharged with adolescent feelings, they often sizzled and smoked like a pair of hot tongs. And you could hold them at arm’s lengths, try not to bump anything with them or drop them on your feet, but eventually, you were bound to get burned.
June felt like he was getting burned.
The days after their trip to Warped Tour melted together into a string of lazy activities ranging from sitting on the couch and cuddling in bed. June would occasionally pick up his neglected sketchbook and doodle or put his My Chemical Romance CD into the old machine hanging under the kitchen cabinets. He’d crank it and memorize every line, feeling as though they told the story of his pathetic life. Feeling just a tiny bit sorry for himself and even more sorry for Aaron who had to witness the angst firsthand.
June tried his best not to think about the inevitable, but the more time stretched between them, the more he sank deeper into a hole. And the farther into the hole he fell, the more he wanted to reach out and cling to Aaron for support. It truly was a double-edged sword.
Maybe if June were better with words, he’d be able to sit Aaron down and tell him the truth in a calm and collected way. And they could get through it together, and in the end, it would work out somewhat okay. He tried to imagine what his mother or father might say if they were the ones breaking the news. Or even Angie who, although emotional, would certainly deliver with compassion and grace.
June didn’t have any of those qualities though. He was not stoic like his parents or soft like Angie. He was all hard edges; rigid, high strung, stubborn, and mean. Not purposefully, but still. He was beginning to really hate himself, and worst of all, Aaron sensed it. Came close to it like a moth to a flame and wrapped him up in so much love and affection it was sinful. All of June’s defenses lay in heaps of rubble.
Luckily, relief came in the form of his best friend, who listened to him both complain and swoon over the boy with open ears. Nodded along and offered words of advice that didn't necessarily solve anything, but made him feel better nonetheless. She was—like always—his rock. His emotional support person.
She also reminded him relentlessly to stop being an idiot, but that was all with love. June needed to hear it.
On one early afternoon, they walked together around the tiny market on the other side of the lake, having ditched Aaron for a moment alone together behind the cosmetics aisle. Angie reached out, snagged June by the elbow and pulled him in close.
“June, you gotta do me a favor.”
He crossed his arms and leaned against a wall of lotion bottles; eyebrow raised. “Yeah?”
She glanced around to make sure no one was looking or listening, leaned in close and hissed. “I need you to buy me condoms.”
June’s face fell to disbelief.
“You’re joking?”
She shook her head side to side frantically, dislodging a few curls from the loose braid around her shoulder. “No, I’m serious! Everyone here knows me, and if I get caught buying a box of condoms, it will get back to my mom, and then she will kill me.”
June could hardly believe what he heard. Not only was he expected to tolerate the gooey, gross, romantic aspect of Charlie and Angie’s relationship, but now he was expected
to reinforce the sexual part of it too? He snapped his mouth shut, pinched the bridge of his nose and waited until all the snarky remarks he wanted to say faded. Angie was far too good of a friend to him, especially lately, for him not to do her this favor. But that didn’t mean he had to be happy about it.
“Don’t you have some already?” he asked, knowing full well she’d given up her virginity to a boy who worked at the docks two years ago. Condoms came in a pack; she should have some left.
“No, of course not.” She threw her hands up, exasperated. “I’ve never had to buy them before.”
“But what about that dude two years ago who—”
“He had his own.”
June grimaced, scuffling his foot back and forth against the old wood floors. This was hardly the kind of conversation he’d expected to have today. Let alone ever. They were eighteen now. They should be able to bang whoever they wanted without parental backlash. Ms. Delgado, as progressive and loving as she was, really hung tight to certain Catholic beliefs. The biggest being the whole no-sex-before-marriage thing.
“June, please.” Angie tapped her foot impatiently, still looking around.
“Why can’t Charlie buy them?”
She fidgeted, shifted from foot to foot, and clicked her nails together as a sheepish smile parted her lips to reveal the gap between her teeth.
“Because…I know he’s a virgin, and I just wanted to surprise him.”
June pointed a finger at his throat and faked a gag. She socked him in the arm.
“You know, I have a reputation around here too. Don’t you think I care what people will say if they see me buying a box of condoms?”
“Condoms?” Aaron’s voice sounded from behind June. Made him jump almost out of his skin.
“Jesus!” he hissed, shuffling toward Angie to make room in the corner of the store for Aaron to stand with them. “Don’t do that!”
The Maple Effect Page 28
