Heartfelt Lies

by Alexandra Christopher

  I rest our entwined hands on my lap and decide to be completely honest. “That day, when you saw me at the river with Lily, it never should have happened. She and I have been friends for a really long time. For as long as I can remember, there’s never been a time that she wasn’t a part of my life. That Saturday was her birthday, and we’ve always spent it celebrating together. The night of her party, when she asked me to take her jet skiing on the river, it was just natural to agree.”

  "I see, I just don’t understand how you could have forgotten about me so fast? I mean you had just told me that very day you were going to call me later to make plans."

  I take a deep breath and release it before continuing. “As you know, Lily and I went to my house to watch movies that day. It was my job to keep her entertained while her mom set everything up for her surprise party. During our movie marathon, we both fell asleep and woke up just before seven. I was scrambling around and trying to hurry her along without giving anything away. Her mom had sent me several texts and was starting to panic because I hadn't responded. We got to her house just in time for the surprise, and from that point forward it was one thing after another. I stayed so busy helping out that everything else just sort of slipped my mind."

  Ella listens intently, not uttering a word, just allowing me to take my time and explain the reason behind my choices. “It was really late when I left her house Friday night and I went back home, straight to bed. When I woke up the next day, you were the first person I thought of. I couldn’t wait to see you again, I was excited to spend an entire day with you. It wasn't long before Lily was calling and asking what time I wanted to leave for the river. She sounded so happy I just couldn’t tell her no. I know it was wrong of me and I should have told her right then that I had already made plans with you. I was just too scared I would upset her on her birthday.” I finish on a sigh while looking at Ella, trying to gauge her reaction.

  “Why didn’t you at least call me? I waited all of Friday night and most of the day Saturday for you. I was so disappointed when my phone never rang. It was nothing compared to the hurt I felt when I saw you two at the river though.”

  “Honestly, I’m an idiot. I didn’t know how to explain the situation without hurting you or making you mad, so I just kept putting it off. Next thing I knew, Lily was at my door and it was too late, it was time to go. I was going to call you and see if I could come by later that night. I wanted to apologize and explain what happened. Then I saw you and it was really too late, the damage was done.”

  “You say you were scared to hurt me but that’s exactly what you did. You also said you didn’t want to hurt Lily, so you chose to spend the day with her. I think it’s pretty clear where your priorities lie. And I guess I can see why. You’ve known her your whole life, and we’ve only just met. I can understand why you would choose to hurt me and not her. It doesn’t mean I have to accept it though, and I certainly don’t have to like it. I can also understand you not wanting to disappoint Lily on her birthday, but the thing is, it wouldn't have been a problem had you just called and explained the situation. I would've understood.”

  “I know you would have, I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I wasn’t. I just want you to know, that you are my top priority from here on out, Ella. I know I’ve screwed up so bad. And you’re right, I didn’t realize it at the time, but I did choose to hurt you instead of her. If I could go back and change it, I would. I would do it all differently. I can’t do that though. What I can do, is promise to communicate better with you. If you’ll give me another chance to be a part of your life, I can promise you without a doubt, you'll always come first. Just please give me a chance to prove it to you.”

  She remains silent, staring at our entwined hands which are still resting on my knee. My heart thumps rapidly with anticipation but I refuse to speak first. She was patient with me and sat quietly while I explained how I got myself into such a mess, never once interrupting or pressuring me. I’m going to show her the same respect. I’ll sit here quietly and allow her to take as much time as she needs to contemplate things. Even if it kills me.

  “You really hurt my feelings, Kohl. I know that may sound a little crazy considering the short amount of time we’ve known each other, but you’re the first guy I’ve ever really allowed into my life, aside from casual or on a strictly friendship basis. I took a chance with you because I felt like we shared some sort of a connection. That day at the river made me feel like such an idiot, it had me second guessing everything I've felt during the time we’ve spent together.”

  “We do share a connection, I feel it too," I confess, cupping her hand in both of mine. "I hate that I ever made you doubt that. And I’m the idiot, Ella, not you. Never you, beautiful,” I whisper, gazing into her eyes.

  “I must say, as angry and hurt as I’ve been, I’ve missed you too. More than I'd like to admit. I’ll give you a second chance, but please don’t make me regret it. And just so you know, there won’t be a third. Don’t hurt me again, Kohl.”

  “Thank you so much, Ella. I promise you won’t regret it.” I heave a sigh of relief and scoop her up into my arms, pulling her onto my lap.

  9

  Ella

  I sit here at my spot just before the river bank, reflecting on the past several days. I go for a run almost every day after work, my feet always pound their way here of their own accord. I don’t know what it is about this place, but I feel a sense of peace every time I’m here.

  I worried that peace would have vanished, or been tainted at the very least, after my run-in with Kohl and Lily. I stayed away until he and I had talked things through, I didn’t want to chance seeing him again, and after ignoring his attempts to contact me. I was afraid he would try to find me here, and I needed time to myself to lick my wounds.

  Two days after Kohl apologized with a massive bouquet of flowers, I borrowed Gram’s car and made my way back here. I was happily surprised that it felt just as comforting as it did the first day I came. I’m surrounded by an air of peace and I'm glad to be enjoying it again.

  Sometimes I’ll borrow Gram’s car just before sunset and drive back down after my run. I lie on a blanket in the plush grass and write in my journal as I reflect on my day.

  It’s been over two weeks since I answered the door and found Kohl standing on the other side. One glimpse at his apologetic eyes and I wanted to forgive him right then and there. I knew I couldn’t do that though. We had some things to work out and an agreement to come to. I may be new at this whole dating thing, but I respect myself enough not to allow someone to put me in that position again.

  So far things have been fantastic. I see Kohl almost every day, even if it’s just a quick ten-minute visit in the evenings on his way home from work. He’s made me his priority just as he promised he would. He even took off work early on the fourth of July and drove us to Jefferson so we could watch the big fireworks display together.

  The more I get to know him, the more I believe his promises are sincere. I’m genuinely starting to trust him, and I find myself letting my guard down more without thought.

  Our weekends have been filled with good times, plenty of laughter, and some of the hottest kisses I’ve ever had. No matter what we start the day doing, by the weekend nights we always find ourselves wrapped up in each other. Our hands roaming, caressing, and stroking anything and everything in their paths.

  I'm falling hard and fast and there isn’t a thing I can do to stop it. I’m not sure that I want to. I just hope Kohl's on the same page as me and I don’t find myself way more invested than he is.

  Reed wasn’t too happy that I allowed him back into my life so easily. He’s always been a little over the top protective when it comes to me though. I haven’t had the best experience in the past, so I understand where he’s coming from.

  Gram, on the other hand, told me that I have a big heart and if I saw fit to forgive Kohl, then so be it. She also said as far as Lily goes to "never trust a dog with your food." I�
��m still pondering exactly what she means by that, but I think I understand enough to know that she doesn’t believe Lily is trustworthy.

  Jessa was brutally honest. She told me Kohl was a great guy but to proceed with caution. He has a delusional ex chasing him and a controlling best friend. She thinks he’s either too dense or naive to realize the problems they cause.

  For the first time in my life, I actually have a group of people I can turn to for advice and it feels good. It may be a small group, but they still mean the world to me.

  The weather is beautiful today. I’m going to allow myself a few more minutes to sit here and enjoy the sun as I watch the river’s hypnotizing current. Then, I’ve got to jog back home and start getting ready for my date with Kohl.

  So far, anytime we’ve been out has been totally casual. Tonight, will be a little different though. We’re driving an hour away to some fancy Italian restaurant in the city. I’m as nervous as I am excited. We've been out a handful of times now, but this feels like our first official date for some reason.

  Maybe it’s because I’ll be getting all dressed up and we’ll be alone in a romantic public setting. Or maybe it’s because I’ve never been taken out to a nice restaurant by a guy before. I don’t know, but it makes things appear really official and I’m nervous.

  I run extra hard all the way home, trying to burn off this nervous energy. I shower off the day's grime and make a special effort with my hair and make-up. Kohl's here and knocking on my front door before I know it.

  An hour later, we arrive at the restaurant. The hostess calls for us after a short five-minute wait. I can’t help but appreciate the beautiful décor that surrounds us as we're escorted to our table.

  The walls are a satin latte color with cream trim. The dining area is large with box beamed ceilings, several chandeliers of varying shapes and sizes run the length of the room. Their bulbs burn low, creating an intimate atmosphere. The main floor contains a variety of tables and curved booths. A beautiful wooden bar sits to the left of the room, it's back filled with mirrors and lined with bottles of liquor. The entire place is gorgeous, and easily the fanciest place I’ve ever eaten.

  We slide into a lavish, cream-colored booth and settle side-by-side in the center. I take a minute to appreciate its polished, dark wooden accents. A small, sparkly oil lamp sits in the middle of the cloth covered table, emitting a warm glow that’s reflected by the thin crystal stemware. Black cloth napkins are folded into fan shapes and sit atop the stark white plates before us. Shiny silver flatware lies to each side.

  The hostess places our menus before us and says, “Dylan will be your server this evening, enjoy,” before retreating quietly and leaving us alone.

  Kohl places his large, warm hand on my exposed knee as he leans toward me to steal a brief kiss. He smells so good, like a mixture of cedar wood and leather. He is sexy as hell tonight, too. He’s wearing a tailored button-down shirt that fits snug to his muscular chest and hugs his biceps. It’s tucked into nice black suit pants—a black leather belt shows off his trim waist.

  “I know I told you earlier, but I want to say again how beautiful you are tonight, Ella. You’re absolutely stunning.”

  I have to admit I feel really good tonight. Gram and I found the perfect little black dress to fit the occasion, and a pair of strappy black stilettos that make my legs look a mile long.

  “Thank you. You're ridiculously handsome yourself. I love your tie, that color goes great with your eyes.” I compliment, with a shy smile.

  We both look up as our server approaches. “Good evening, I'm Dylan, I'll be your server tonight. Can I start you off with some drinks?”

  After receiving our drinks and placing our food orders we sip on our sodas and make easy conversation. It's when our entrées are delivered that our conversation takes a heavier direction.

  “So, Ella, I’ve told you a bit about my past and I'm sure Jessa’s probably told you more than I’d like.” Kohl gives a self-depreciating laugh. “How about you, have you had many boyfriends? Any serious relationships in the past?”

  I swear my palms are instantly clammy. I don't really want to air my past humiliation tonight, or ever, but if I expect honesty from Kohl, then he deserves the same from me.

  “Um… only one. I'm not really sure how to label what Blaine and I were to each other. He wasn’t my boyfriend and we weren’t in a serious relationship. I don’t think I can really even say we were dating.”

  “Did you guys end things when you moved here?” Kohl asks, curiosity lacing his voice.

  “No. It ended my junior year of high school. It was brief, only lasted about six months total. I have to say, I was pretty devastated when it ended though. With how it ended.” I mumble the last few words.

  “What happened? Did he hurt you?”

  I breathe deep, releasing it with one big gush of air. Where do I even start?

  “As I’ve told you, Reed and I have been friends since kindergarten. He and his parents were a big support for me growing up, and I always spent a lot of time at his house. Blaine was in our grade but had never really been a part of our group of friends. Well, I guess I should say, Reed’s group of friends. Anyway, that changed when his parents bought a house just down the street from Reed. He started coming over and playing basketball, and they became good friends. Blaine started hanging out over there a lot, too.”

  I stop, taking a drink to wet my mouth before continuing. My face is warming at just the thought of telling Kohl how stupid I was.

  “Things started out slow between us. We developed a friendship of sorts. I was comfortable around him. As time progressed, I think he started to see me as more than some boring tag-a-long. Reed’s parents took a lot of weekend trips so the three of us spent a lot of time alone together at their house. One night, Reed and his date went to his room, leaving the two of us alone on the couch. The next thing I knew Blaine was kissing me, it was the first time anyone had given me that kind of attention, and I liked it. I thought I was special to him. We spent the next few weeks making out, taking it a little further each time. He had a lot of experience, but never made me feel embarrassed that I didn’t. I didn't have the first clue what I was doing, but he said he loved teaching me new things. We kept taking things further as the weekends passed. That eventually led to oral sex and we carried on that way for a while, but I still wasn't ready to take the final step and go all the way with him. Blaine swore he was ok with that, even respected me for it. After a few months, I decided I was ready to give that part of myself to him, and we had sex one Friday night. The next day he called to check on me and during that conversation, he asked me to prom.”

  Ugh, this is so much harder than I thought. I pause, taking a few calming breaths, an attempt to slow my pounding heart. I can feel the heat spreading up my neck and onto my face. I must be bright red by now.

  Kohl reaches over and takes my hand that’s currently in my lap, twisting the cloth napkin nervously. “It’s alright, Ella. Take your time, there’s no judgments here, beautiful.” He reassures, while calmly looking into my eyes.

  It’s the exact encouragement I need to get through the rest of this train wreck memory of mine.

  “Okay. Anyway, Um… I told him I would love to, but I couldn't go with him. I didn’t want him to come to my house, I was too scared he would witness one of Mom’s episodes. I couldn't really afford a dress anyway.” I stare down at my lap, ashamed.

  “He broke up with you because of that?” he asks, disbelief covering his face.

  “If only. No, he got mad and hung up on me. I was upset and went crying to Reed. He and I talked things over and come up with a plan. His mom was going to help me get a dress, and Blaine could pick me up from his house. I called Blaine several times, excited to tell him the news, but never got an answer. I sent him a text apologizing and saying I had worked things out and would love to go to prom with him.”

  I shake my head before continuing. “I never heard back from him all weekend. Mon
day morning, he pulled into the school parking lot with Claire Davis in his passenger seat. After they parked, he walked around and opened her door. As soon as she stepped out, he had her pressed against his car with his tongue down her throat. He never broke eye contact with me the entire time. I stood there frozen as I listened to him tell her he 'didn't get enough of her’ last night.”

  I stop, remembering how awful, how used I felt that morning. “Before I knew what was happening, Reed flew past me and punched Blaine in the face before throwing him to the ground, delivering blow after blow. Of course, we had attracted quite a crowd by then.”

  I pause before continuing. “I stood there, thinking things were going to be bad for me. I thought everyone would say I caused trouble between the two. I was scared people would hate me. No one ever said a word to me about it though. I think they assumed the guys were fighting over Claire.”

  “What a fucking dick. He got what he deserved,” Kohl says through gritted teeth.

  “Yeah, and then some. A month later Blaine apologized and asked for another chance. Told me how sorry he was and how much I meant to him. He said I had hurt him, and he reacted badly when I turned down his prom proposal.”

  “Please tell me you didn’t take him back.”

  “I didn’t." I shake my head. "I told him I understood that he was upset with me, but that was no excuse to purposely hurt me the way he did.”

  “Damn, Ella. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Remind me to shake Reed’s hand if I ever get the chance to meet him. Sounds like he's a helluva friend.”

  “He is. He's my best friend, always been more like family though. Like the over protective big brother I never had.” I laugh. "No one ever really gave me any trouble growing up. They knew they would have to answer to Reed.”

  “I bet they didn’t. Can’t say I blame them.” Kohl laughs.