by S S Bazinet
Rolphe’s furrowed brows eased a little. He remembered how dark the world had been when he was a young man. If his sons had lived, they would have faced the draft and serving in the army too. He glanced up at Carey. “My boys were very sensitive. They didn’t like hurting others. At least they weren’t forced to kill anyone. Perhaps, that’s something good to consider, but—”
“Is something else troubling you, Rolphe?”
“When you and Arel first helped me to let go of the terrible person I’d become, I began to have faith in who I really am. Now, I don’t feel as sure about anything.”
“What’s making you doubt yourself?”
“I miss having a family. I have Myra in my life, but I thought I had a connection to Arel and William, too. But I’m fooling myself. When I’m around them, they tolerate my presence, nothing more.”
“I thought Arel stayed in touch.”
Rolphe laughed. “I think he feels a sense of duty to check on me. Maybe he’s afraid I’ll revert back to the ogre he once fought and hated.”
“Did you enjoy his last visit?”
“When he came to Paris and Myra arranged for him to meet Claire, I hoped to convince him that all I want for him is his happiness, and that he think of me as a friend. I really tried my best, but I don’t think he noticed my efforts.”
“But he said he recently called you for advice.”
“He gets frustrated. When he lived here, he used to come into the studio and complain, but he didn’t seem interested in my views.”
“Rolphe, please try not to let other people’s actions steer you away from your joy. You’ve felt it many times when you were by yourself, painting your beautiful pictures.”
“Thank you, but sometimes a human being needs more than their own company. They need others to validate their place on the earth. I’m sure that opinion is a weakness, but I haven’t been able to get beyond it yet.”
Rolphe pushed himself off the couch and walked back to the kitchen window. Sheets of rain had begun to pelt the panes of glass. Thunder rolled across the city as Rolphe heaved out a sigh. “Here I am asking about how to help William, but maybe I’m deluding myself. Maybe I need prayers more than he does.”
Twenty-Eight
ANNABEL CAME OUT of her bedroom smiling. After a long soak in the tub, her body felt relaxed. She was also curious. As she was dressing, she heard music. When she opened her door, a lively dance tune filled the hallway. Annabel and William sometimes listened to a classical piece, but the volume was never as loud as the music that saturated the airways in Elise’s home.
When Annabel walked into the living room, she discovered the reason for the music. Elise was dancing around the room with Freddie in her arms. She looked very happy.
Annabel watched from the sidelines until the song came to an end. Then she clapped enthusiastically. “Great job, Elise. You’re a wonderful dancer.”
“Thanks,” Elise said as she grabbed a doggie biscuit off the counter. She put Freddie and the biscuit in the puppy’s bed. “How was your bath?”
Annabel sighed contentedly. “The hot water was soothing, and the Hibiscus bath salts have a wonderful fragrance.”
“Good, I was hoping you’d enjoy them as much as I do.”
“I enjoyed watching you dance. You look like you have fun.”
“How about you? Is dancing something you enjoy?”
Annabel took a step back. “I’ve never tried.”
“You’re kidding.”
Annabel felt her cheeks go flush. What could she say? Since she’d been with William, he’d never mentioned dancing.
Elise came over with an apologetic face. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I’m just surprised. Did you grow up in a fundamental religion that didn’t allow such things?”
Annabel stared down at the rug and shook her head.
It was Elise’s turn to blush. “Forgive me. I think I keep saying the wrong thing.”
Annabel studied her hands. They were clasping each other. “It’s okay. Sometimes I feel so out of place, not knowing the basics that everyone should know.”
“When it came to dancing, I had to teach myself. But I haven’t danced like this in a long time. Then this morning, with you here, I turned on the music.”
“It was nice.” Annabel paused and took a breath. “You know, I had to teach myself to knit. It was challenging. My first projects were—”
Elise waited, but finally asked a question. “Your projects were what?”
“I guess they were terrible. William actually looked frightened when he thought the scarf I made might be for him.”
Elise crossed her arms. “I’ll tell you what. You teach me to knit, and I’ll teach you to dance.”
“That’s sweet, but you’re just being nice.”
“I hope so, but knitting could be fun. I never had the patience to learn before, but I think I could give it a try. Besides, I could make Freddie a sweater.”
“It’s not too hard once you get into a rhythm.”
“Dancing can be the same way.”
Annabel thought about the music and how it made her spirits lift. “But I might not be any good.”
Elise smiled. “The great thing about dancing nowadays is that you can do whatever feels right.”
Annabel’s fingers tightened on themselves. “I guess I could try.”
“We’ll go slowly, and after a bit your body will start to move naturally.”
“Does everyone’s body know how to dance?”
Elise went over to the coffee table and grabbed her phone. “Let me show you some videos of babies. You’ll see how easy it can be.”
“Babies can dance?”
“Yes, you bet they can, and so can you.”
Elise was so adamant and sure of what she was saying that Annabel gave in, especially after seeing a nine-month-old baby swaying to music. By the end of the lesson that Elise conducted, Annabel forgot about trying so hard, and her body surprised her. It automatically started to move to the rhythm of a song. Elise applauded her and said she’d be dancing a jig before she knew it. Annabel didn’t know what a jig was, but she liked the way Elise laughed and made the idea sound like fun.
Later, before bedtime, Annabel had lots to write in the journal that Elise gave her. The first point was underlined. “Elise is very patient!”
Elise was also funny. When Annabel found it impossible to relax, Elise showed her that it was okay to act silly and not worry about how she looked. To prove her point, Elise did something called the Chicken Dance. They both laughed after that.
Annabel’s final journal entry contained three words. “Dancing is fun!”
* * * * *
Arel woke up, rubbed the sleep from his eyes and looked over at Claire’s side of the bed. As usual, it was empty. He glanced at the clock. It was only six-thirty in the morning, and he’d already had his first disappointment of the day.
He threw back the covers, put on a robe, and took care to make himself presentable. He was still sleepy as he went in search of Claire. He found her in the lower-level, living space. She was sitting in a corner of the sofa. She looked beautiful in spite of the fact that her hair was uncombed. There was also a large coffee stain on her sleeper top. When she was unpacking her suitcase, he’d noticed that most of her belongings were in need of repair or cleaning. He’d asked if he could wash some of her clothes, but Claire dismissed his offer and his concern.
When he walked into the living area, she looked up briefly, gave him a little wave and went back to studying her laptop. He was tempted to be offended by Claire’s lack of enthusiasm, but he stopped himself. After a number of talks with Michael, he was aware of how easy it was to lose oneself in a relationship. But when he thought of how much Claire meant to him, it was easy to go down that slippery slope.
In this case, he decided that retreating was his best option. He turned and went back to his bedroom. Perhaps if he meditated, he’d find the serenity he needed t
o see the situation with more clarity. Once he sat down and started to relax, he knew he’d made the right decision. It was too early to be getting upset. Before he faced the day, he definitely needed some quiet time.
With continued practice, he’d become much better at meditating. It only took a few calming breaths for his muscles to relax. As the tension in his body eased, his mind was quick to follow. He smiled as his thoughts began to still.
As he gave himself over to that quiet state, he soon felt better about his relationship with Claire. Their different lifestyles didn’t have to be a problem. In time, they could work together and also figure out ways to give each other space. Besides, while Claire did what she wanted to do, he’d have time to attend to his own affairs and projects.
He’d barely begun to cultivate a tranquil, soothing attitude when he felt a tap on his shoulder. When he glanced up, Claire stood in front to him.
“Arel? I wasn’t trying to be rude when you came in to see me,” she said in a matter-of-fact tone. “I’m very busy and have lots of things that need my attention.”
Arel was still feeling so peaceful that he smiled back. “I’m sorry that I disturbed you. I just thought that maybe you’d like breakfast. I’ll be happy to make you—”
“Stop it, please. I don’t need you constantly trying to take care of me. If I’m hungry, I’ll eat. I’m very self-sufficient.”
He took a deep breath and frowned. As his meditative calm slipped away, he tried to remain thoughtful. But what could he say that wouldn’t offend Claire in some way? Since she’d arrived, she took issue with most of his statements. Their conversations were often one-sided with Claire needing to educate him on countless issues. Perhaps, it was warranted. The points she made were valid. Still, he couldn’t help but wonder about how differently they looked at life.
He reached out for her hand. “We were so happy in Paris. What’s happened? Was all of this, you and me, a mistake?”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I thought we loved each other, but maybe I was fooling myself.”
Claire laughed. “You are so sensitive. Just because we’re not in bed all the time, and I tell you about my feelings, you come up with statements like that. Are you losing interest in me?”
“No, of course not.” He studied Claire’s eyes, how intense and determined they were. “I love you, but I don’t know how to make you happy.”
Claire gestured for him to stand up. “Come with me. I want to show you something.”
Arel did as he was told, but his body resisted leaving his chair. He felt heavy and tired again.
Claire noticed his reluctance and urged him on. “I don’t have all day, my darling.”
Arel forced himself to move more quickly. He wondered about what Claire wanted him to see. She seemed very interested in energy conservation. He hoped she’d paid attention to some of his efforts. Perhaps she’d noticed all the literature on solar energy that he’d been reading in the library area. There were numerous magazines and circulars on the subject.
Claire paused and crossed her arms when they got to the living room space. Instead of speaking, she shook her head and sighed.
Arel’s curiosity got the best of him. “What is it?”
Claire gave him an indulgent scowl. “Look at this room and tell me what you see.”
Arel hesitated. “What do you want me to see?”
“Please, don’t be difficult. Just look around.”
Arel let his gaze travel over the room. The area contained so much of what he’d collected and cherished. Whether it was a favorite painting, a bronze or a first edition book, each work of art was a small treasure. In the past, when his life was at its lowest, the physical objects proved that beauty and wisdom still existed in the world.
He turned to Claire, hoping to share his feelings. “When I look around me, I see things that inspire me.”
Claire took his arm firmly in hers. “Would you say it’s a comfortable room?”
“Yes, very comfortable.”
Claire kissed his cheek and sighed. “My poor Arel, I know you don’t have a clue, but I have to tell you that you’re living in a dream world. Nothing here has anything to do with reality.”
Arel felt her words hit with an unexpected force. “You’re right. I don’t understand what you’re saying.”
“Arel, I do love you, but I’m afraid for you.”
“Why?”
Instead of answering, Claire pulled him closer and paused, as if she was too burdened to go on.
“Why are you afraid for me?” he asked.
Claire turned and stared back with a frown. “You’re kind and caring, but you’re also like a child in a handsome man’s body. Maybe that’s why we met. You need guidance. You need to leave the dream world behind.”
“What dream world?”
Claire straightened and tossed back her hair. “When I look at this room I see a small, self-serving retreat. It’s a place where you can hide from everything you don’t want to face. But if you want to live up to your potential, you need to free yourself.”
“Free myself?”
“Yes, you’ve blinded yourself with possessions and taking care of those possessions. But life isn’t about all these useless trifles. Sell it all! Leave this world of illusion behind. Once you do that, you can connect with the real world. That’s where you can do some good for others.”
Arel felt his jaws lock. His mind was just as incapable of processing what Claire had said. When he blinked back with vacant eyes, she seemed to understand and squeezed his hand again.
“I know it’s a lot to take in all at once, but don’t worry, I’m here. I’ll help you to take charge of your life and exchange dreams for what’s real.”
* * * * *
Arel excused himself after his talk with Claire. If what she’d said was true, his values were foolish and immature. It was a terrible plight to ponder. In fact, his thoughts were so overwhelming that he couldn’t face them head on. He went for a run instead. Once he was outside, the fresh air helped to revive his foggy mind, and jogging freed his body.
Running had been an outlet he’d used in the past. When there were issues he didn’t feel strong enough to face, he ran harder. The exercise, like meditation, helped. It didn’t solve anything, but it did allow him a brief respite. For a short amount of time, he was able to keep his focus on the simple joy that came from having a strong, healthy body. He wasn’t ready to figure out how to digest Claire’s assessment of his life.
After he’d gone a couple of miles, he couldn’t put off the inevitable. He turned around and started back home. The closer he got, the more his fears surfaced. He’d always wanted to be responsible. Yet, hadn’t William accused him of negligence on numerous occasions? And what about his lifestyle? Was it wrong to enjoy the beautiful things in life? Claire seemed to think so.
As he approached his street and saw his home only a short distance away, he went from running to walking. He told himself it was part of the cool-down process. As he started to pass Elise’s house, he slowed even more. Her doors and windows were closed, but he could still hear music coming from the interior.
“Talk about self-absorbed,” he muttered as he turned into her yard. “The woman needs to turn that noise down a notch.”
He climbed the stairs. When he got to the door, he gave it a few sharp raps and waited. After another round of knocking and no response, he found himself boldly trying the knob. The action was totally out of character, but his manners had fallen victim to his desperate mood.
As soon as he opened the door, Freddie greeted him. He ignored the puppy’s cordial tail wags and closed the door behind him. Freddie, the little escape artist, wouldn’t get away on his watch. He was sure there’d be no escape for him either. Sooner or later, he’d have to face the fact that Claire seemed to think that he was a self-centered jerk.
He paused in Elise’s foyer, letting himself take in the energy that filled the house. It had a casual fee
l, a sense of ease. It was very different than it had been when Arel had dated Elise. Maybe Carey and Michael’s good vibes had been passed on to her.
He knew he should be happy for Elise, but when he heard the sound of cheerful voices and outbursts of laughter, he could only manage resentment. People were having a good time while his world was crumbling. It only took a little imagination to foresee his future. All the things that Claire affirmed as worthless would be dismantled and sold off. That kind of situation demanded a funeral dirge, not upbeat tunes and women giggling.
He stepped forward boldly. “Elise, I need to talk to you.”
When he got no response, he started towards the kitchen. Elise and another woman came into view as he walked through the living room. He stopped abruptly when he realized who the second woman was. “Annabel!”
Annabel glanced back at him and froze. Her mouth hung open, but she seemed unable to say anything.
Elise stared at Arel too, then she hurried over to her entertainment center and turned off the music. “Arel! What are you doing here?”
Arel backed up a couple of steps. “I knocked, but no one answered.”
Elise put on a friendly smile. “I didn’t realize the music was so loud. Please, come in.”
Annabel came forward hesitantly. She had her hands wrapped around herself. “It’s good to see you, Arel.”
Arel wasn’t convinced by Annabel’s greeting, but her shaky voice told him that he’d frightened her. Normally, he would have tried to make her feel better, but he was just as stressed as Annabel. “When did you get here? Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”
Annabel started to reply and stopped herself. As she flushed with embarrassment, she stared down at the fluffy, pink slippers she was wearing.
Arel recognized her footwear. The slippers were similar to the ones Elise sometimes wore when she took Freddie out in the morning.
Elise spoke up. “Would you like to sit down?”
Arel walked over to the sofa, sat down and clasped his hands. When his thoughts cleared a little, he looked at Annabel. She’d sat down on the other end of the sofa. “Have I done something to offend you?”
