No Looking Back

by Kate L. Mary

  Chapter 10

  The moment was shattered by a sudden popping sound. It was distant, but after eight months of the apocalypse, I was more than familiar with the sound of gunfire.

  Pop, pop. Pop, pop, pop.

  It went on for a good five minutes, and then as abruptly as it started, it stopped, leaving Landon and me standing in silence.

  “Sounds like we lost the zombies,” he said. “They must have wandered around the house and back to the main road.”

  “Yeah,” I said. “Good thing they’re stupid.”

  He nodded, but his mouth turned down in one corner, forming a frown that was not only familiar, but one that had my heart twisting from memories of the last time we’d talked. The day we ended things. The day of our biggest fight ever. The day my heart broke.

  “They’re not all dumb,” he said after a pause. “There were times on the road when I came across some that seemed to almost be able to reason.” He shook his head like he couldn’t believe it had happened or like he was trying to push the memory away. “It didn’t make sense, but it was the only explanation.”

  “Were you on the road this whole time?” I asked.

  Landon didn’t turn to face me, but he did twist his head in my direction so he could look at me. “Yeah.”

  “Eight months is a long time…” I let the sentence die off, not sure what to say. I couldn’t imagine being out there for that long. Not having security. It made what I’d been through seem easy.

  “It was—” He exhaled. “I just wanted to get back home. It was all I could focus on, every day. I just thought about being home and it kept me going.”

  “Were you alone that whole time?”

  Again, Landon let out a breath, this time it was longer. He turned away, not answering, but instead focused on the boxes of food.

  “We should get something to eat. Rest in case we have to be up all night.”

  “Yeah,” I mumbled.

  Heat crept up my face at the feeling that I’d overstepped some invisible line. This was something I wasn’t used to, feeling like a stranger in this man’s presence, but I did. I seemed like there was a world separating us now, one that I couldn’t breach. Couldn’t understand. Would never be able to.

  We dug through boxes until we found a jar of peanut butter and took turns dipping crackers into them. The salty, buttery taste mingled with the sugary sweetness of the peanut butter transported me back to an earlier time. To individually packaged crackers in my lunch box, and sitting side by side with Landon at lunch, sharing them as we both pretended we weren’t watching the other. I did the same thing now, dipping my cracker in, watching him out of the corner of my eye as I chewed, memorizing the way the shadows contoured his face. He looked so much older and yet so much like that little boy I’d shared crackers with all those years ago, and the two images didn’t seem to fit together in my mind. Again, it made me feel like I was separated from him forever.

  “I traveled with other people a lot,” Landon said out of nowhere.

  His mouth was full of crackers and it muffled his words, making me have to lean closer so I could hear him. In the shadowy darkness of the room, it seemed like his body heat was the only thing keeping me warm, and moving nearer intensified that feeling. It also brought other feelings back. Feelings I never thought I’d get to experience again.

  “It wasn’t always the same people,” he continued, his voice still quiet but no longer muffled. “I’d join up with people and we’d travel together for awhile before reaching a point where we were forced to part ways. In the beginning, before the zombies when travel was closely monitored, it was hard getting anywhere. Gas was scarce and resources even more so, and there were checkpoints along the way. Traveling with other people and splitting what few resources we had made it easier. Slowly, though, everything started to disappear, and then there was nothing for a long time.

  “I didn’t get far before the dead showed up, only to Arizona, and once they did it changed everything.” He shook his head at the memory. “We were so taken off guard by it.”

  “Everyone was,” I murmured. “It still shocks me.”

  “Yeah.” Landon exhaled and leaned his head back so it was resting against the box. “After that, travel was dicey. Gas was nearly impossible to come by and trusting people was hard. Twice other groups held us up at gunpoint and stole everything we had. The first time it happened my group got through it. We made it to a nearby town and searched houses until we found more weapons and more food, and then we kept going. Mostly on foot. The second time, the group just fell apart.

  “The last group I was with was months ago. December, I think. I was down south, but it had gotten cold and the dead were slower. I thought for sure it would help me get here faster, even if I hit snow once I got further north, but it just meant there were more people on the road. More hungry, desperate people who were willing to do anything if it meant surviving.” Landon closed his eyes. “After that, I decided traveling alone was best.”

  He lapsed into silence and I waited for him to say more, to tell me what had happened to the group, but he didn’t. Instead, he sat next to me with his eyes closed and his hands clenched into fists, and I found myself mesmerized by the person he’d transformed into. He was more than a stranger now, because the expression on his face was something I’d never seen on anyone before. It was full of pain and regret, but rage and hate as well. It was soft and hard at the same time, dark but with a tinge of vulnerability. It was the expression of a man who would do anything to make sure he never again had to witness whatever had happened to him on the road.

  Without thinking, I found myself moving closer to him. Before he’d even had a chance to lift his head and open his eyes I was on my knees, and when he did, we were so close that his breath brushed against my lips. My hands were on his arms, moving up slowly, while his gaze held mine, and then I was leaning forward, closing the distance between us as my heart pounded in my chest, thudding out a beat that was like a word being whispered over and over again.

  Lan-don, Lan-don, Lan-don…

  “April,” he murmured, my name barely above a whisper. “April.”

  Then my mouth was on his and he had his arms around me, pulling me closer. I was on his lap, straddling him as our lips moved together, my hands on his cheeks, the coarse bristles of his beard tickling my palms while scratching at my face. His kisses were hard and desperate, needy and punishing. It was like no time had passed at all, but at the same time like we were two different people living a different life in a different world. Like we’d never been apart yet had also never been together before now.

  I was on my back in moments, Landon on top of me, his body resting between my legs. My lips ached already from the power of his kisses, and heat radiated through me. It was like my blood was on fire, like I was on fire, but the feeling was more welcome than anything I’d ever experienced. Five years I’d gone without this man’s kisses, without his caresses, and it had been torture.

  He tore his lips from mine and kissed his way down my neck while his hands moved up my body, over my stomach to my chest.

  “Thinking about you kept me going,” he murmured against my skin.

  “I never thought I’d see you again,” I said, tears stinging at my eyes.

  Landon paused, his chin resting at the V of my neckline, barely above my breasts, and looked up at me. “I told myself that no matter what happened, it would all be worth it as long as I could make it back here.”

  “Landon,” I whispered as tears filled my eyes. “I’ve never stopped loving you. Never.”

  He closed his eyes and leaned into my hand when I rested it on his cheek. “I never stopped loving you, either.”

  I thought about the woman he’d been engaged to, about the promise he’d made to her. Had he lied to her, or was he lying to me? Or, was it possible he’d loved her enough to convince himself he could be happy even though he’d never stopped loving me? I didn’t know, and in this moment, knowing what
we faced, I decided I didn’t care.

  I urged him to move up until his lips were once again on mine. Our bodies were tangled together on the floor, our mouth moving together and our tongues exploring each other while we worked to remove our clothes. It was effortless, like a dance routine we’d memorized years ago and had never forgotten. We broke the kiss long enough to pull my shirt over my head, and then we were back to it, not even missing a beat. My mouth stayed on his while I wiggled out of my pants, his tongue traced my bottom lip as I undid his. We moved to the side, twisted our bodies while kissing, and in no time at all we were both naked.

  He slid inside me, and I gasped at the exquisite familiarity.

  “God,” he whispered in my ear. “You’re all I’ve dreamed about for the last eight months.”

  “You’re all I’ve ever dreamed about,” I murmured in reply.

  We moved together, two people who had always been one even if we hadn’t wanted to accept it. I’d never been so whole, never so complete and hopeful for the future. I had Landon again, finally, and no matter what happened, I swore to myself that this time I wouldn’t let him go.

  Chapter 11

  “Do you think we have a chance in hell of beating those men?” My head was resting against Landon’s bare chest, and his whole body moved when he shrugged.

  “I think it’s possible, but it’s not going to be easy.”

  “What choice do we have?” I said. “We can’t just run off.”

  Landon said nothing, and I shifted so I could look up at him.

  “You don’t think we should just abandon them, do you?”

  He exhaled, stretching it out like he was buying time before he spoke. “I’m not the type of person to run away, which is why I chose to travel alone after the last group, but I’m not going to lie. I can’t stomach the idea of losing you again, April. Not after coming so far to find you.”

  “I can’t leave them,” I said. “They’re like family to me now. We’ve been together for eight months. We’ve helped each other, cried together, built something good. If I turn my back on them, I’m no better than the men who killed Devon and Bill.”

  “I know,” Landon said.

  I waited for him to say more, to tell me it was going to be okay, that he had my back, but instead he closed his eyes and said, “They all died.”

  “What?” My throat had tightened, making it hard to swallow, and the word came out strangled.

  “The last group I was with, they all died,” Landon said, his eyes still closed. “We were camped out in a mall in Missouri and another group attacked us. There were more than were twenty of us, but they caught us off guard and were heavily armed. I knew right away things were going to get bad. Out on the road, I learned fast to look out for the groups that were all men.” He swallowed. “They tied us up, took the women away one by one. Their screams echoed through the mall. I can still hear them. That was nothing compared to what they did to the kids…”

  “Oh my God.” I couldn’t think of anything else to say.

  “I knew they weren’t going to keep us alive long.” He let out a bitter laugh. “They only let the men live as long as they did because they knew the screams would torture us.”

  I moved so I was sitting, wanting to hug him or hold him, but when I touched his arm, he jerked like he’d been burned.

  “How did you get away?”

  “A couple of us got loose in the middle of the night. By then, I was seeing red. All I could think about was slitting the throats of every last one of those assholes. We freed a few more people before one of the men woke up. That’s when all hell broke loose. They just opened fire. They didn’t care who they killed. The world was red as one by one my people went down, and when a bullet grazed me, I thought I was a goner, too.” Landon’s eyes were still closed when he ran his hand over a scar on his side. “It was minor, but I went down just like the others, and somehow in the middle of the chaos, the body of one of my people fell on me. Juan. He was a nice guy. Brave. Braver than me.

  “I stayed there, didn’t move a muscle until it was all over. I felt like a coward, but at the point there was nothing I could do. Everyone was pretty much gone at the point, anyway. So I stayed there with Juan’s body on top of me and waited until the gunfire stopped. Waited for the assholes who’d killed my people to gather their things. Waited until it grew so quiet it felt like I was the only living thing in the world. Then I left.”

  He stopped talking, and the silence that followed felt more apocalyptic than the damn virus had. I didn’t know what to say or what to do, I only knew that he was hurting and taking that pain from him was impossible. He would live with it for the rest of his life. Survivors’ guilt. I’d seen it before in the eyes of people who’d watched their families die, either from the virus or from the dead. It was something that could destroy you if you let it.

  “Landon,” I said after a moment. “Open your eyes.”

  He did, and I wanted to weep at the pain in them.

  “You didn’t do anything wrong. You chose to live.”

  “I chose to hide like a coward.”

  “What if you had gotten up and fought back? Would any of your people be alive right now?”

  “No,” he said, spitting the word out like it was poison.

  “No, they wouldn’t, and you’d be dead.”

  “That doesn’t make it any easier to sleep at night, April. Believe me.”

  “I understand, I do, but you weren’t wrong for wanting to live. You didn’t pull the trigger. You didn’t hurt those people. All you did was survive.”

  “And it will haunt me for the rest of my life.”

  I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I pulled him against me, wrapping my arms around him. Landon’s body stiffened at first, almost like he didn’t think he deserved the comfort, but after a second he relaxed and hugged me back. He pressed his face into the crook of my neck and inhaled, like the very idea of being near me gave him strength. I understood. Despite the uncertainty we were facing, I hadn’t been this whole in five years.

  “I wish I’d gone with you,” I said.

  “I wish I’d stayed.”

  WHEN THE SUN HAD SET, WE MOVED THE boxes back just enough to get the door open. Cool air rushed in, filling the stuffy room, and I sucked in a deep breath. Until now I hadn’t realized how musty the room was, or how warm it had gotten, and the fresh air was invigorating.

  I stood behind Landon, weapons out and ready, as he stuck his head outside. I knew the coast was clear both by the utter silence of the night and because the air was fresh, with not even a twinge of death, but I waited for him to be sure anyway. It only took a minute, and then he was nodding and pushing his way through the small opening so he could step outside.

  I followed, giving the boxes of food only a quick glance before leaving them behind. If all went well we could come back and get them in a few days, after the assholes who’d taken over our camp were dead.

  We went around the side of the building, keeping to the right for a while before crossing the street, hoping to stay out of sight. The road leading to our camp was down the street and to the left, but we had no way of knowing how many people were on watch and how spread out they were. If they were patrolling the roads, they could spot us.

  When we reached a few overgrown bushes, Landon knelt down, motioning for me to do the same.

  “We’re going to head back a little, away from the main road, so we can approach the optometrist’s office from the back.”

  “Good idea.” I looked over the bush in the direction of the McDonald’s. The gate leading to our settlement was visible from that parking lot, and as much as I wanted to be able to get a glimpse of what was happening, it was too risky to head there now.

  Landon led the way, heading between the houses until we’d reached a different road. From there he paused again, taking a moment to look around. Once we were certain the coast was clear, we got moving, jogging at a steady pace down the street, not pausing ag
ain until we reached the next intersection. Here we had to cross over the west side of 571, but we were far enough away from our settlement that no one would be able to spot us. It was one good thing about no electricity. The world before the virus had never seemed dark, but now it was blacker than the pits of hell, making it easy to slip through the night unnoticed when necessary.

  We moved across the street side by side, then jogged the next few blocks until we reached the post office. The road next to it led to the parking lot behind not only the optometrist’s office, but also the pizza place and a few other small businesses. I’d parked here dozens of times over the years, and there were still cars parked there now. They were empty of gas thanks to my group, and a few had even been relieved of their tires or other random parts from their engines, and in the darkness of the night, they seemed like metallic skeletons of the old world.

  There was a back entrance to the office, which my group had padlocked months ago. At the time we’d entered through the front and then secured the place, hiding weapons in the office where few people would think to look before adding a combination lock to the back door. Every trusted member of my group had been given the combination just in case.

  “Hold this,” I said when we stopped in front of the door.

  Landon took the flashlight when I thrust it at him, holding it up so the beam was focused on the lock. I took a look around to make sure no one or nothing was nearby, then got busy turning the dial. My heart was pounding and my hands shaking, but it only took one try to get the thing open.

  The second I had it undone, I ripped it free and jerked the door open.

  “You first,” Landon said.

  Instead of arguing with his sexiest logic—something that would waste valuable time—I chose to rush inside. He was right behind me, and the second the door was shut, I was able to breathe a sigh of relief.

  “The door should lock from this side,” I said.

  “Good.” Landon moved the flashlight’s beam around until he found the interior lock, and flicked it, then turned to face me. “Now where are those weapons?”