A Touch Bittersweet

by Carter Ashby

  Ellie huffed. “What kind of life is that? Taking care of someone else’s animals on someone else’s land.”

  “I think it’s a pretty good one.”

  “You’re so difficult sometimes.”

  He nodded as he turned into the hospital parking lot. “I get that a lot.”

  He parked and walked her inside, got her checked in, then waited in the waiting room as a nurse led her back to change into a hospital gown.

  He browsed through magazines for the thirty minutes she was gone, then stood when she came back out, looking a little more fatigued than she had when she’d gone in. She gave him a wan smile.

  He wanted to pick her up and carry her. Hold her and tell her he would make everything right. But she looked like she might break if he touched her. And besides, he wouldn’t make everything right. There was no making this right. The radiation was a long-shot…used mainly to keep the symptoms at bay while creating a host of secondary symptoms that so far had been manageable.

  “Want some ice cream?” he asked as they left the hospital parking lot.

  “You offered that last time. Why?”

  He shrugged. “Because after you go to the doctor, you get ice cream. Isn’t that how it goes?”

  She chuckled. “It is when you’ve had your tonsils removed.”

  “Ah. I suppose I thought it was every time.”

  “Well, I wouldn’t mind some ice cream if you want to stop and get some.”

  He found a drive-thru and bought her a plain vanilla cone, which was all she wanted. She ate it with all the gusto of a small child, which was nice. Later she might lose her appetite. At least now, she was enjoying one of life’s little pleasures.

  “I mentioned the kids going back to school,” Ellie said, “because I think it would be fun to have a grown-ups only-lunch.”

  “So we can’t invite Jill?”

  “You stop. Yes, we can invite Jill. And everyone. I know Charlie and Maggie are always a little down on the first day of school. It’ll be especially hard for Maggie, this year, them being in a new school, and Levi’s first day at daycare. I think a grown-ups lunch will make them feel better.”

  “That’s real nice of you, Ma. I’ll be there.”

  When they pulled into the driveway, Frank was on the porch, waiting on them same as he had been last time Logan had taken her to her treatment. He’d made the sole objection when the group of them had decided to take turns. Frank wanted to do it all himself. He apparently loved Ellie more than everyone else, and therefore, wanted to claim the right to do all her caregiving.

  But he’d been overruled, and fortunately, Logan hadn’t even had to chime in.

  No sooner had Logan gotten the truck in park than Frank was opening Ellie’s door, helping her out.

  “Stop, Frank, I can walk on my own.”

  “I know,” he said. “I’m just helping you to the porch is all.”

  “You’re worse than an old woman.”

  “What’s that on your chin, there?”

  “Oh, ice cream.” She wiped it with the back of her hand. “Logan bought it for me.”

  Frank shot Logan a glare. Logan stared back blankly. What the hell could be his problem with a little ice cream?

  “I hope it doesn’t upset your stomach,” Frank said.

  Logan wanted to say something sarcastic, but he bit his tongue, slammed his truck door, and jogged up the porch steps to hold the door open for Frank and his mom.

  They went in, and Ellie settled on the sofa in the living room in front of her favorite soap opera. Frank rushed around, bringing her a pillow and blanket and making sure she was comfortable.

  Logan shook his head, rolled his eyes, and said, “I’m headed over to see if Maggie needs any help.”

  “Okay, dear,” Ellie replied. “I’m just going to doze off for a while.”

  “Text if you need anything while I’m out.”

  He left before Frank could corner him and lecture him on the necessity of maintaining Ellie’s doctor-approved diet.

  He didn’t go see if Maggie needed any help. She wasn’t at the house, today. She was with David, who had somehow managed to talk her into letting him take her and her kids on a picnic. The guy was really good. Logan was glad he wasn’t in competition with him, or else he’d probably lose.

  He drove up to a little-known park on the river. Logan always had fishing gear in the back of the pickup. He found himself a quiet spot by the river and did a little bass fishing. He only paused once when his phone buzzed in his pocket.

  It was a text from Maggie…or from Maggie’s phone.

  Hey, Uncle Logan, it’s Nate. Can we play catch later?

  There were no words for how that text made Logan feel. He stood by the river, staring at it for the longest time, his hands shaking and a lump in his throat he couldn’t seem to swallow down.

  Logan: Sure. When will you get home?

  Nate: Don’t know. Flying kites.

  Logan: Sounds fun.

  Nate: It’s not. See you later.

  Logan: Later.

  Logan watched the screen, just in case there were any more texts.

  At last, he pocketed his phone and took back up his fishing rod. He tried to clear his head. He wasn’t sure why it mattered that the kid wanted to play catch with him enough to text him about it.

  He wasn’t sure why. But it did.

  Logan met Nate in the yard late in the afternoon before dinner.

  They didn’t say anything. Just took up their gloves and started throwing. Nate seemed to want to challenge himself by seeing how far he could throw, so they kept inching farther back from each other.

  When Nate showed signs of fatigue, they moved closer and slowed down their rhythm.

  “Is Mom dating David?”

  Logan couldn’t even stand the sound of the guy’s name. “You’d have to ask her that.”

  “Well, I think she’s in the Nile.”

  “The what?”

  “The Nile. It’s what you say when someone is pretending like something isn’t the way it is.”

  Logan bit back a smile. “Denial.”

  “D as in dog?”

  “Yeah. Denial. You got the definition right.”

  “Okay. So anyway, I think she’s in denial. Because she says she isn’t dating him, but he keeps trying to be friends with me and the kids.”

  “You and the kids?”

  “Yeah, you know…Gracie, Izzie, and them?”

  “Levi, you mean?”

  “Yeah. Them kids. He keeps trying to be best friends with us because he wants to date her.”

  “Okay,” Logan said, no longer able to stifle a short laugh at the kid’s way of talking. “I think you may be right. I don’t know about her being in denial, but I think David wants to date your ma.”

  “Well, I think it’s a bad move. We just got here. And she’s real busy taking care of us. I don’t wanna come home from school all ready to tell my mom about my day and find him sitting there like he’s the man of the house or something.”

  Logan nodded. “Sure. I get that.”

  “Think if I told her that, she’d stop not dating him?”

  Logan blew out a breath and thought for a moment, never stopping the rhythm of throw-and-catch. “I think you can talk to your mom about anything. But I think you gotta understand that she’s just a regular person like you. And she needs her own friends.”

  “I don’t mind the friends. I just don’t want a boyfriend getting into our business.”

  “Sure. That makes sense. You ought to talk to her about it.”

  Nate held onto the ball when he caught it. Then, he rushed to Logan and threw his arms around him.

  Logan wasn’t sure what to make of it. He hugged his nephew. Gave him a rough pat on the back. Tousled his hair. When Nate backed up, his eyes were a little wet. “Thanks, Uncle Logan.”

  “Sure, kid. Anytime.”

  Nate turned and ran all the way back to the guest house, disappearing insid
e before Logan could even process what had just happened.

  Even as he made his way back into the main house, he didn’t know what to think. Or why that hug had made him ache a little in the vicinity of his heart.

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  ON THE FIRST day of school, all the adults gathered at Frank and Ellie’s. Logan made his way downstairs, not really feeling social. Not really understanding why this day needed a special get-together. But then, that was what he’d gone there for. To make sure his mom had everything she wanted in what might be her final days.

  So, he went downstairs just in time to see Maggie—whom he’d been told was bound to be sad without her children—popping the cork off a champagne bottle and shouting, “Wooo!” at the top of her lungs.

  “Best. Day. Ever!” She filled champagne glasses while drinking from her own.

  Charlie sat at the kitchen table, dabbing at her eyes. “I just can’t believe how big they’re getting.”

  “Hurry!” Maggie said as she distributed drinks to Charlie, Frank, and Ellie. Spencer and Jill were next. Then Logan. “We only have until three o’clock before they come back.” She said this as she handed him his drink, her own glass already nearly empty, her eyes sparkling and staring into his.

  “Don’t you miss them?” Charlie asked, tearing up again.

  “Hell. No. I love them. I’ll be thrilled to see them at three oh one. But until that time, I am so excited not to hear the words ‘Hey, Mom’ for a few hours. Let’s play Cards Against Humanity and watch R-rated movies!”

  Maggie joined everyone at the table, where lunch had been set out. Soup and sandwiches.

  Logan took his place next to Maggie. The problem since he’d arrived had been that he was always paired with Maggie. Everyone else had someone. They sat with their “someones” at the table. Frank and Ellie. Charlie and Brandon. Spencer and Jill. Maggie’s somebody was gone. And Logan didn’t have one. So, they were naturally partnered whenever they played games or went for walks or rides.

  “We could go to the water park,” Maggie said as she dished soup into a bowl. “Or the movies. Why are you all looking at me like that?”

  “I think,” Ellie said, “that we all assumed you’d be a little down. I’m sure it wasn’t easy getting your kids off to school. And your baby’s first day at daycare.”

  Maggie’s smile remained, but some of her enthusiasm died down. “Well, you know. You make the best of every situation. They’re going to be gone, may as well enjoy the perks.”

  “I just feel too guilty being happy,” Charlie said.

  Maggie’s shoulders sank a little. “I suppose I do feel somewhat guilty. But guilt is such a waste of energy, don’t you think?”

  “I guess. Brandon usually pampers me a little on this day.” She gazed adoringly at her husband, who gave her an uncomfortable smile in return.

  “Oh, Josh and I used to go all out. We went and got couples massages once. He took me to a hotel for a day…a really fancy room, too, and we ordered room service. One year we went to the water park because it was still open, even though school was in session. It was just the best, playing in the water with him like when we were….when we were teenagers.”

  She dropped her face into her hands and began sobbing.

  Logan didn’t even hesitate. Maybe it was because he was the one sitting closest. Maybe because he had a soft spot for her. But he put his arms around her, and she turned into him, wrapped her arms around his neck, and sobbed into his shirt.

  “Way to go, ladies,” Spencer said, pointing to Ellie and Charlie. “You broke Maggie.”

  Logan felt Maggie laugh a little. He stroked her hair and tried not to inhale her incredible scent too deeply.

  “I’m so sorry, dear,” Ellie said. “You were having such a nice day, too.”

  “It’s okay,” Maggie said, her voice muffled by Logan’s shirt. She turned her head. “I suppose it’s all just a distraction, anyway.”

  He tried to move back a little, give her space to let go of him now that she’d calmed down. But she continued clinging to him.

  “Nothing wrong with distractions,” Logan said.

  He tried to gently pry her arms off his neck, but she’d locked her arms together by gripping her wrists. “Let go, Maggie.”

  “No,” she giggled. “I’m distraught.”

  “You’re crazy, is what you are.” He found himself laughing, too. She had her cheek pressed to his chest, a big smile on her face, eyes closed…like a kid hugging her favorite teddy bear.

  “You’re so cuddly.”

  “I am not.” She was like an octopus. Every time he peeled one arm off, another took its place. He had no choice but to resort to tickling. He found a spot on her ribs that sent her into gales of laughter and finally got her to retreat.

  She looked so beautiful, red-faced and laughing and holding her stomach. “Not fair,” she said, slapping him on the arm.

  “That’s what you get, kid.”

  She looked like she had something else to say, but then she froze. And he knew why.

  Everyone at the table had gone completely still and silent. He looked around to find six faces frozen in various stages of confusion, staring at them both.

  Logan did the only thing he knew to do. He scooted back up to the table and focused all his efforts on eating his lunch.

  Maggie sat up tall and apparently unashamed. “Ellie, how did your weekly update go?” she asked.

  “The doctors say the radiation is shrinking some of the cancer. It should alleviate some of the pain.”

  “That’s wonderful.”

  “It is. If I can at least enjoy what time I have left…”

  Maggie dropped her soup spoon and buried her face in her hands again. “I’m sorry,” she said, this time leaving the table and walking out the back door.

  Logan started to stand at the same time as Charlie did.

  “I’ll go check on her,” Charlie said.

  “I don’t mind,” Logan said, standing the rest of the way. Maybe Charlie would be best. But he’d been working side-by-side with Maggie for nearly two weeks now and had gotten to know her fairly well.

  Frank stood and glared at Logan. “You stay away from that girl.”

  Logan’s face went hot and his hands formed into fists. “Fuck-off, Frank.” He went out the back door and crossed the lawn to the guest house. He knocked twice and went inside to find Maggie in the kitchen washing dishes.

  He hadn’t been in the guest house in a while. He remembered it being a bare, uninteresting place. Now it felt cozy. Welcoming. She’d hung drapes and painted the walls. There were little shelves with pretty things on them. A scented candle had been burned recently, making the place smell of rosemary and vanilla. This was the kind of place a man wouldn’t mind coming home to.

  “Are you stress-dishwashing?” he asked, closing the door gently behind him.

  She shook her head. Then she nodded. She wasn’t crying anymore, but her eyes were still puffy, and tear streaks still showed on her cheeks. “I’m a mess.”

  He walked around the counter and stood behind her. She shut off the water, then turned into his arms. “Why does everyone have to die?” she asked in a high-pitched voice.

  “I don’t know, honey.” He stroked her hair and held her tightly.

  “I feel like I laugh at the most inappropriate times. And cry, too.”

  “It’s okay, Maggie.”

  She wept for a few minutes.

  At last he felt her still against him, her breathing evening out. He held the back of her head, cradling her against his chest.

  They’d been working together on the house. Talking when necessary, but trying to keep their distance. He hadn’t seen her cry even once. Hadn’t touched her at all, except for the one time he’d taken her hand.

  He knew there would be consequences to this closeness. There already had been. But Logan was concerned about the internal consequences. Because he already felt like her partner. And he really shouldn’t be
feeling that way.

  She finally pulled away from him, just enough to smile up at him. She kept her arms around his waist. Until she slid her hands around his sides and up his chest. “You’re such a man, Logan.”

  “Stop it.” He captured her hands and backed away, feeling himself blush again. It was embarrassing how often he blushed with her.

  This time, she didn’t pursue him. She let her hands drop away and took a step back, leaning against the counter and hugging her waist. There wasn’t the usual mischief in her smile. Not the usual joy, either. It was sad, but still a smile. “I don’t like being sad,” she said. “But your arms sure help.”

  He sighed and looked away.

  “You liked it. Holding me.”

  What did she want him to say?

  “I think you’re a really good man. And I think it doesn’t matter to me that you’re my brother-in-law.”

  “It should, though.”

  “Yes, but it doesn’t. I never even met you while Josh was alive. We’re not related. And you make me happy, Logan. I think I make you happy, too.”

  He inhaled deeply, feeling deep down in the pit of his belly how right her words were.

  “Why don’t you kiss me?”

  He looked up at her, his gaze landing on her lips.

  “Kiss me and see how it is? Maybe we won’t like it. Maybe it will answer everything.”

  He moved toward her, cupped her face in his hands, and traced her bottom lip with his thumb. “I’m not going to kiss you.”

  “Oh, I think you are.”

  “I swear to God, Maggie.” He laughed in frustration.

  “This isn’t a hard choice. This is easy.”

  “Easy if you have no conscience.”

  “You’re saying I don’t have a conscience?”

  He leaned his forehead gently against hers and closed his eyes. “I’m not staying here forever. I need you to understand that.”

  “I understand.”

  “My life has been…difficult. I’ve got a boatload of regrets.”

  “We all do, Logan.”

  “Anything we start, you and me…it’s gonna end when I leave. You understand?”

  “Yes.”

  “Not if. When. We’ve got a short shelf life, you and me.”