A Touch Bittersweet

by Carter Ashby

  Uncle Logan laughed a little. “Which mom are we talking to—mine or yours?”

  “Well…we’re going to move to our new house when it’s all done. I’d like Wolf to come with me. So—mine, I guess. Yours would be nicer about it, though.”

  Uncle Logan nodded as he looked Wolf over. “We need to put a good effort into finding Wolf’s home. Maybe two weeks. If no one comes forward, then…” He shrugged.

  Nate felt a little sick to his stomach. He should have known better than to tell an adult. Any adult. Even cool ones like Uncle Logan still had to be all responsible and stuff. “Well…they couldn’t have been very good owners if they let him run off like that.”

  “If you had a dog like Wolf, and he was your best friend. And then one day he got lost. Wouldn’t you want to get him back?”

  “I wouldn’t lose him in the first place.”

  “Of course, you wouldn’t,” Uncle Logan muttered.

  Nate waited for the next argument. There would be one, that was for sure. On the rare occasion Nate managed to win an argument, grown-ups would either go back and start a new argument, or pull the old “because I said so.”

  He waited.

  Uncle Logan sighed. Then he said, “Let’s get him cleaned up, huh?”

  So no argument after all. What did that mean?

  Uncle Logan stood and offered Nate a hand up. They led Wolf out back, where there was a water hose. Logan pulled out a metal tub and started filling it with water. It took both of them to lift wolf into the tub.

  The plan was for Nate to hold on to Wolf while Logan washed him up. But turned out Wolf didn’t much like the water, and he was more than Nate could handle—though he would’ve been pained to admit as much out loud. Fortunately, he didn’t have to. Uncle Logan was one of those men who just did. He didn’t go yapping and explaining…he just did stuff. Like now. He just took over holding on to Wolf, and Nate just knew to take over washing.

  It was nice. And easy.

  After they finished washing up Wolf, they let him run around in the grass to dry off. Nate watched his dog. Then, he looked up at Uncle Logan with his backward ball cap and his thumbs hooked into his pocket. He was smiling. Watching Wolf and smiling. Nate stepped closer to him. When Uncle Logan put his arm around Nate’s shoulders, Nate felt suddenly as though he might cry. He gulped down the pang and gulped again. He looked back up at Uncle Logan.

  I miss my dad.

  Uncle Logan looked down at him. His smile faded. “Wanna go play catch?”

  Nate nodded, feeling a weight lifting. The tightness in his chest relaxed. He ran back into the barn to where they’d stored their baseball and gloves.

  Logan stood on the back porch at the guest house. The porch light was on, bugs swarming it. The night sky was black—no moon tonight. Just stars.

  He should have come earlier in the day. Should have walked Nate home and approached her right then. But he’d gotten scared.

  Almost kissing her—feeling her lips just for a second—what was he supposed to do with that?

  He hadn’t spoken with her in the days since then. He’d gone over to the house and mowed the lawn. Cleaned up her workspace. But he did all that after he knew she’d gone home. After school hours when she was back at the guest house, feeding her kids snacks and washing out their lunchboxes.

  He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He’d walk away and keep hiding if it weren’t for his promise to the kid. Shouldn’t have promised him any such thing. Should have made him go and talk to his mother himself. The kid would never learn to be a man if Logan bailed him out of situations like this.

  But damned if Nate hadn’t broken out the big eyes and crocodile tears. And Logan would never forget the feeling he’d had way back when he was Nate’s age and met his best friend—a lab mix with a limp and a piece missing out of one ear. Yes, he’d been exactly Nate’s age. He’d done the exact same thing, too. Kept the dog down in the barn, snuck it food and water, fell in love with it. And then Frank found the dog one day while Logan was at school. Logan had come home to find the barn empty.

  Logan gave himself a shake before he could go any further down memory lane. There was nothing good to be found at the end of that road.

  With a deep breath, he lifted his hand and knocked on the door. It was a quiet knock. Like he didn’t really want her to hear it so he could say “oh, well” and go on back home.

  But a light went on behind the sheer curtain that hung over the sliding glass door. The curtain moved aside, and there was Maggie in a tank top and shorts, hair up in a messy bun. No makeup. She smiled and slid the door open. “Wow, what a nice surprise,” she said.

  The warmth of her greeting washed over him. How could she look at him like that? Like he’d suddenly brought her all the light and joy in the world. How could she just be simply happy to see him for no other reason than that he was just…there?

  She stepped out and slid the door closed behind her. Then she rubbed her arms. “Cool out here. What brings you by?”

  For an embarrassing moment, he forgot. He looked at her with his mouth open and just couldn’t remember. “Um…”

  She laughed and moved closer, reached up and draped her arms over his shoulders. “Was it to finish what got interrupted three days ago? Because I’d just about given up on you making a move.”

  He put his hands on her arms, intending to pull them away and step back. But her skin was so soft. Her arms so small in his hands. He wound up just holding them. “No, I didn’t come here for that.”

  “Mm. That’s disappointing. But maybe we could add it to your agenda, huh?” She linked her hands behind his neck and moved closer still. He could feel her breasts brushing against his abdomen, the heat of her body, the reverb of her heart.

  He closed his eyes for a moment and focused on why he’d come. “I came to talk about Nate.”

  She gently unlinked her hands and let them fall away. She took a step back. Her playful smile faded. “What about Nate?” she asked.

  “Um…so, did he tell you about Wolf?”

  “Huh?”

  Logan took a breath and shifted his stance. “So Nate found a dog. He’s living in the barn, right now. I told him we had to spend at least two weeks trying to find the owner, but after that…” He trailed off, not really sure where to go with this.

  “After that, what?”

  “After that, then… I mean—”

  “Did you tell my child he could keep that dog after two weeks?”

  “No! No, I didn’t tell him that.”

  She arched an eyebrow and folded her arms over her chest.

  “But I didn’t not tell him that, either,” Logan admitted.

  She nodded. No trace of a smile left at all. “Explain to me how I’m supposed to take care of a dog, Logan.”

  He cleared his throat. “I mean, I didn’t want to overstep—”

  “Did you explain to him about the responsibilities involved in caring for a dog?”

  He watched her. Looked her in the eye. She was angry. He’d thought she would be annoyed, or that she might laugh it off—but she was truly upset. “No, but we gave him a bath, got him some medicine—”

  “We? You and Nate?”

  “Yes. I didn’t realize Nate had been taking care of him when I found him. Then when I came back from the vet, I found Nate there.”

  “You’re not his father. You don’t get to make decisions about these things.”

  “Maggie, I didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry—”

  “What the hell am I supposed to do with a dog? I can barely take care of myself and four kids, I’m renovating a house, my mother-in-law is dying… I don’t have time for shit like this.”

  “I understand. I’ll take care of him. It’s okay.”

  She laughed. But not a pretty laugh. “Oh, you’ll take care of him? Mr. ‘I’m not staying here forever’ is going to take care of a dog while he’s here…and then what?”

  “I—” She was right, of course. H
e couldn’t take the dog with him; it would break Nate’s heart. To venture into this meant to dump a responsibility on Maggie that she didn’t have the time or energy for.

  “And here’s something else for you to think about. While you were taking care of that dog with my son—you were creating a bond. And even though I’ve got my eyes open about where you’re going when all this is over, Nate’s never going to understand. If you break his heart, then I get to deal with that. While taking care of some dog I didn’t even want. Did you ever think about that?”

  He gulped down so many emotions he couldn’t identify them. They were all lumped together in one big tangle of pain. “Maggie, I’m sorry.”

  “No, you’re selfish, is what you are.”

  He lifted his eyes back to hers. “So you’re saying I shouldn’t have any contact with Nate. He wants to play catch, I should say no. Is that right?”

  It was her turn to go quiet. Her jaw muscles went tight—he could see them flexing.

  “He finds a dog and is scared to talk to his mom, I’m supposed to say ‘good luck, kid’ and walk away?”

  Her chest rose and fell with deep breaths.

  “What about you? I know something you don’t. I know that if I get involved with you, if I kiss you, hold you, make love with you—I know it’s going to break your heart when I leave. You say you can handle it, but I know how much it’s going to hurt because I’ll be feeling the same thing. So maybe I shouldn’t be so selfish. Maybe I should stay away from you altogether.”

  “Maybe you should,” she spat.

  They stood, staring at each other. Maybe her heart was pounding as hard and fast as his. Maybe she felt dizzy and sick to her stomach. But she stood there looking cool and collected, his Maggie. No, not his. Never his.

  “I’ll take him to a shelter tomorrow,” Logan said, though he felt a profound grief as soon as the words left his lips.

  “Thank you.”

  “Do you want me to—”

  “I’ll talk to Nate. You’re not his father.”

  “I was never trying—”

  “Just stay away from him.”

  Her eyes welled with tears. Her jaw muscles were tight.

  Logan shoved a hand through his hair in frustration. He opened his mouth to say something, but there was nothing left to say. Not to a woman who looked at him like she hated him.

  He turned and walked back to his house. He tried not to think about the depressing drive to the shelter with Wolf sitting next to him in his truck. Or the betrayal Nate was sure to feel. He tried not to think of those things, but he couldn’t.

  CHAPTER NINE

  MAGGIE TOOK ONE look at herself in the mirror, then went back to her bed to lie still with ice on her eyes for a few minutes. All that crying last night had left them swollen and bruised-looking.

  She’d pushed that beautiful man away. She’d stood there on the porch and watched him walk away, and inside she was screaming at herself to run after him.

  Why couldn’t he just be a fun diversion? Why did he have to go and be a good man? Helping her with her house, taking responsibility for things he didn’t have to. Bonding with Nate in a way not even Josh had been able to.

  The ice was making her eyelids numb, so she removed it and started over.

  Friday morning, take two.

  Shower. Dress. Fix breakfast for the kids. Pack lunches.

  The morning went as smoothly as any morning went, with four small children to get ready for school and daycare. The only hitch was Nate seemed a little antsy. She knew why. But she wasn’t about to send him to school right after telling him she was sending his dog to a shelter. She’d rather let him be antsy and deal with it when he got home.

  She dropped everyone off at their respective schools and then went straight to her new house, which was coming along slowly. She and Logan had ripped out all the carpets. They were re-doing the drywall in the entire first floor, but upstairs was in good shape. They’d ripped out all the drywall and put in insulation. They’d begun putting in sheetrock—the kitchen was done, and dining room partially done.

  There was a wall between the dining room and living room. Right now, it was just the frame. Maggie stood in her living room and stared through the frame into the dining room and the French doors beyond. As soon as she put up sheetrock, the light from those French doors would be blocked.

  There was still the big bay window in the living room, but it wouldn’t be as bright.

  She was studying the situation when she heard a truck pull up. A door shut. Booted feet clunking up the porch steps. The front door opening.

  “Did you take the dog to the shelter?” she asked, without turning to look at him.

  “No. Thought Nate ought to get to say goodbye.”

  “You know better than me, huh?”

  “You don’t think he ought to get to say goodbye?”

  “I think it’ll be best for it to just get done.”

  He sighed.

  She stared at the framework. “I think I’m going to knock this wall out.”

  He moved next to her, big arms folded over his chest. “I don’t know.”

  “Why? It’ll open everything up. Let in light. Air.”

  “Pretty sure it’s load bearing.”

  “It’s not.”

  “I don’t know, Maggie.”

  “It’s not. I’ve been all over this place. It’s not load bearing.”

  “There’s that beam in the basement.”

  “This wall is not connected to that. I checked.”

  He was silent for a long moment. “It’s just, better safe than sorry, you know?”

  Her ears went hot. She turned and grabbed the sledgehammer from where it was leaning on the wall. She hefted it up, slammed it into one of the wall studs—once, twice…the third time she split it all the way through. She moved to the next one. The hammer felt heavier this time, but she was going to knock down this wall and prove Logan wrong even if it cost her the use of her arms. She lifted it onto her shoulder.

  Logan stepped in and took the hammer from her. He gave her a hard look before turning and placing the hammer on the floor next to their tool station. He picked up an electric hand saw and started cutting through the studs.

  Good.

  She stepped back and watched for a moment. Once it appeared he’d gotten into a groove, she turned and went to the master bedroom on the main floor. The flooring company had delivered her bamboo flooring, and she’d already begun laying it in the bedroom. She had quite a few pieces cut, so she went back to work where she’d left off.

  After a while, the sawing and banging noises from the living room ended. She could hear him shuffling around, cleaning up the mess. Taking loads of chopped up two-by-fours out to the dumpster. Sweeping.

  “Maggie, come see if you like this,” he shouted from the living room.

  She went and saw that he had left the wall studs about a foot off the ceiling and supported them with a two-by-four. It was a nice way to frame the room and give a sense of separation between the living room and dining room while still getting all the light and air she wanted. “That’s perfect,” she said. “I love it.”

  He nodded, a faint hint of a smile on his lips. Proud of himself, judging by the way he was standing, hip shot like a cowboy, head tilted back assessing his work. Josh used to stand and look like that whenever he was particularly proud of something he’d done. He’d walk around all day feeling good about himself. He’d mention it off and on throughout the day, always happy to accept more praise.

  Maggie smiled even as her eyes welled up. She would go before he turned and saw her…but first she just wanted to watch him a second longer.

  And in that second, he turned and caught her eyes. She looked away quickly and went back to the bedroom, back on the floor, lining up strips of flooring and hammering them into place.

  Logan didn’t come, which was a relief but also a disappointment.

  Maggie decided to be grateful for the time to hersel
f. He was busy working, and she was busy working, and it was good for them to not talk. It seemed like they couldn’t say anything nice to each other, these days, so they might as well not talk at all.

  She worked for nearly two hours straight when her stomach started rumbling. And it was as though Logan heard it, because right at that moment, he stepped into the room. “Wow,” he said, looking at the floor. “You’re almost done.”

  She looked back and saw how much progress she’d made. “Yeah. I didn’t realize I’d made it this far.”

  “Looks great.”

  “Thank you.”

  “I’m hungry.”

  “Me, too.”

  “Wanna go to lunch?”

  She stood and stretched. “I’m supposed to meet David.”

  “Of course you are.”

  She threw her hands in the air. “You know what? I’m done talking to you. If you can’t be nice—”

  “I’m being nice, Maggie.”

  “Sure. That was nice sarcasm.”

  “You eat lunch with him every day and string him along… I just feel bad for the guy.”

  “You do not. You’re jealous.”

  “Yeah, well, so what? I can be jealous.”

  “It’s ridiculous. It’s childish.”

  He shook his head and looked away.

  “I’ll cancel and eat lunch with you. Would that make you feel better?”

  “Yeah,” he said, meeting her eyes, a dumb, stubborn expression on his face. “It would make me feel better.”

  “And then what? We’ll flirt and get close to acting on it, and you’ll remind me how you’re not staying, and I’ll say I don’t care, and then you’ll do or say something stupid to ruin everything. Do you really want to go through that again?”

  “No, Maggie, I don’t fucking want to go through that again.”

  “Then what’s your goddamn problem?”

  “My problem,” he said, “is that I have to take away a kid’s best friend today because I can’t stay here forever. My problem is I don’t understand how I can want to leave and want to stay in equal parts. My problem is I’m in love with my sister-in-law—which is so fucked up I can’t even process it.”