A Touch Bittersweet

by Carter Ashby

  Her heart froze for way too long before starting back up at a record pace. He was leaning back against the door frame, staring at the ceiling. Maybe he was oblivious to what he’d just said. Maybe he knew he’d said it and just didn’t think it was that big of a deal.

  Maggie felt tears sting her eyes. In love? Surely if he was in love, he would choose to stay. He would keep the dog and let Nate play with him whenever he wanted. He would play catch with Nate and get to know Gracie, Izzie, and Levi. He would date her and move in with her and marry her… If he loved her, surely he would do all of that. Wasn’t that what it meant to be in love?

  “Logan, it doesn’t have to be this complicated,” she said.

  He pushed off the doorframe and stood tall. “No?”

  She shook her head. She walked until she was standing in front of him. Looked up at him. She reached out and flattened her palms against his abdomen. Then, she slid them slowly up over his chest and shoulders and behind his neck. She tipped her head back and stared up into his eyes.

  Logan closed his eyes and rested his forehead against hers. He’d done this before, and she liked it. It felt like him fighting off feelings so strong he couldn’t even stand tall and face them. And it was thrilling to her to be the source of those feelings. She felt his hands go to her waist. Felt him gently tug her closer.

  “Maggie,” he whispered, and she knew it wasn’t a question or a request but a declaration. An intention. He slowly lowered his lips to hers. Slowly touched his lips to hers.

  They held there for a long moment—a deep, savoring moment. Their first kiss. Light, gentle, only lips. Such a small thing, that kiss, for the level of fire it ignited in her blood.

  He pulled back and opened his eyes. She saw in them the same thing she felt. They moved at the exact same moment.

  He cupped the back of her head and crushed her lips with his, aggressively parting them, opening to her and taking from her. She didn’t fight. She didn’t want to. He pulled her hard against him, his mouth plundering hers, pressing her until her back and neck were arched and she could barely breathe.

  He spun her, lifted her, braced her against the wall and resumed kissing her. She wrapped her legs around his hips and shoved her fingers in his hair.

  His hands roamed. Up her sides and her rib cage until his thumbs brushed her breasts. He pulled back enough to shove her shirt up above her breasts. He covered one lace-covered breast with his hand. He kissed her lips until she could barely breathe. He jerked the cup of her bra down and bared her breast, then squeezed and stroked it in his calloused hand.

  Maggie would have cried out if she’d had use of her tongue. She reached between them, into the front of his jeans and found him there, long and hard, and she gripped and stroked him. Logan threw his head back and groaned. Maggie kissed his throat.

  All of a sudden, Logan stepped back. She dropped her legs and stood, prepared to start tearing off his clothes. That must be why he’d given them the space. But he turned away from her and fumbled at his jeans, refastening them.

  “What are you doing?” she asked as she covered her bare breast.

  “David’s here.”

  “Oh, my God.” She gasped as she readjusted her bra and shirt and hair…

  She’d forgotten all about David.

  There was a knock on the front door, and then David came in without waiting for an invitation. He immediately headed into the bedroom, smiling and looking dapper in slacks and a button-down. “Hey, you two. Bangin’ out the flooring, I see. Looks nice.”

  Logan shoved his hand through his hair—probably not out of frustration so much as a need to fix it quickly. She’d had it sticking up all over.

  “Thanks,” Maggie said. “Are you ready for lunch?”

  “Yes, ma’am.” He offered his arm, which she took. She looked over her shoulder at Logan, who watched expressionless as she walked away.

  They got sandwiches at the same little café they’d been eating lunch at. They took their lunch and sat on the back patio. The weather was cooling with the approach of autumn, so there were only a few other patrons scattered about. Maggie zipped up her jacket, both because she was chilled and because she was stalling. If there was one thing she didn’t want to be doing right now, it was eating lunch. Her stomach was in knots.

  “House is coming along,” David said.

  “Yes,” she said, nibbling on a potato chip.

  “You and Logan have been working hard.”

  She looked at him, then. Really looked at the friendly smile on his face. The same smile that was always there. Only today it wasn’t reaching his eyes.

  Maggie’s heart sank. “David, I’m sorry.”

  He nodded and took a drink of his sweet tea. “It’s fine. He’s not staying forever.” He took a bite of his sandwich.

  What did he mean by that? “I don’t think you and I should see each other anymore.”

  “We don’t see each other. We have lunch like two little old ladies. There has been absolutely nothing romantic about any of the time we’ve spent together.”

  Not for lack of trying on his part. “I’m sorry.”

  He dabbed at his lips with his napkin and shrugged. “It’s fine. Like I said, he won’t be here forever. I’ve waited this long…I can wait a while longer.”

  She stared at him for a long moment. “You think he’s the reason nothing’s happened between you and me?”

  “Oh, I know he is.”

  She couldn’t disagree with him. If it weren’t for her intense and passionate response to Logan, she may have allowed something to happen between herself and David. It would have been just a kindling of something. A small flame. Nothing like the conflagration of her feelings for Logan. But wouldn’t that be a shame? If a man as kind and successful and handsome as David settled for lukewarm love?

  “I need to be honest with you,” Maggie said. “I just don’t have those kinds of feelings for you. You’re a wonderful friend—”

  “I get that you aren’t attracted to me. But if you’re being honest, then at least admit that you’ve never really given me a chance. I mean, one date in high school, but you were already in love with Josh. And now…I mean, you’d already caught feelings for—for him before you and I reconnected. I can’t win. I haven’t even had a chance to play.”

  She looked at him as he ate and tried to carry on normal behaviors, in spite of what was surely a set of uncomfortable and dramatic feelings. “It’s not a game. I’m not a prize.”

  “That’s not at all what I’m saying. It’s just an analogy. I’m not competing for the sake of competition, here. I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember. And—Jesus I can’t believe I just said that. But there it is. It’s true. And I watched you fall in love with my best friend and marry him and go off all over the world and have babies with him. And please—please don’t take this the wrong way, because I miss Josh so much it hurts, I really do. But this…him being gone…it was supposed to be me. I was supposed to be the one to swoop in and help you pick up the broken pieces. I mean, Logan was never even around—you didn’t even know who he was. What kind of brother? What kind of son? You think he’s going to be a good partner when he can’t even stick around for his own family?

  “No, but you’ve got some kind of chemical attraction going on, and you can’t decide with your head just this once instead of your hormones—”

  “I decide plenty of things with my head!” she said, a little louder than she intended.

  “Your first time with Josh you didn’t use protection. He wanted to wait and you said it was fine.”

  “How do you know—”

  “You picked up a hitchhiker in downtown St. Louis your Freshman year of college.”

  “That’s not—”

  “You bought a car you liked because of the fancy paint job and decals, and then it turned out to be a piece of shit—you never even researched it.”

  “That’s enough.”

  “Maggie, all I’m saying is, you d
on’t think things through. You don’t wait a minute and weigh things out. You don’t leave room for better things to come along.”

  She couldn’t even think of a response. The problem was, he wasn’t wrong. Not even a little bit. But that didn’t mean what she had with Logan wasn’t worth pursuing. It didn’t mean she should give someone a chance that she didn’t even have feelings for.

  David sat back and stared into her eyes. “Sometimes you see someone and it’s instant fire. I get it. I wish I was that for you. You certainly were that for me. But just because it’s not instant doesn’t mean it’s not there. I deserve a chance, Maggie.”

  A strange feeling of calm settled over her. She relaxed the muscles in her forehead and around her eyes and mouth. “This thing with Logan—it’s more than just fire.”

  “Is he offering to stay?”

  No. He wasn’t. And David knew the answer to that, otherwise he wouldn’t have asked it.

  “I’m right here,” David said. “And like I said, I’ll keep being right here. If I gotta wait until you get your heart broken again, I’ll do it. But I’d much rather you let me take you on a real date.”

  “A real date,” she murmured.

  “Yeah. Dinner, drinks, and a goodnight kiss.”

  “You can’t just tell me the night’s going to end with a kiss. Takes all the romance out of it.”

  “I want you to understand what it is you’re walking into. I don’t want you to be able to talk yourself into thinking you’re just having dinner with your old buddy from high school.”

  She stared at him, and this time really looked. This time she saw the boy he used to be in this professional, mature man before her. The cowlick that was responsible for the Dennis the Menace hair he never could keep completely tamed. The dimple on one side of his face that came and went, even when he was talking. A scar beneath his bottom lip from a bad bicycle crash.

  She remembered that date they’d had. How he’d taken her in his car to the park for a picnic and then to a movie. How the whole time she’d been thinking about Josh and how she couldn’t wait to see him. No regrets—her love and life with Josh had absolutely been magical. But maybe if there had been no Josh, a life with David would have been magical, too.

  “You’re right,” she said. “I never did give you a chance.”

  He held her gaze.

  “I can’t just turn off my feelings for Logan. I’m not sure I want to. In fact, I know I don’t.”

  “That’s okay. You got a big heart, Maggie. You can love more than one person. You’re proving it, now, with him.”

  “Are you saying it’s okay if I date both of you?”

  He pressed his lips together for a moment, eyes squinting in thought. “No,” he said with a laugh. “But would you even say that you and he are dating?”

  “No,” she said, almost laughing.

  “I’d like to take you out, then. That’s what I’m saying. I’d like a shot. I mean, imagine this—if you had the same feelings for both of us, which one of us would be the best choice for a long-term relationship?”

  “You,” she said without hesitation.

  “I’m glad you agree. So dinner. Tonight at seven. I’ll pick you up. Dress fancy.”

  Maggie fell back in her seat and laughed. Her face felt hot. “You are so persistent.”

  “Yes, I am.”

  She took a few slow breaths. A date with David. Only an hour before she’d been plastered against Logan, hoping against hope he wouldn’t stop what he was doing. Just the memory brought her mood back down. “It’s not fair to you, David.”

  “You let me worry about that. It’s just a date. Maybe it’ll be awful, and you won’t have to hear from me again.”

  She shook her head. She thought about Logan’s words. About his declaration. “Logan has strong feelings for me,” she said.

  “So do I.”

  She blew out a breath.

  “Of course…if you’re too afraid…”

  She sat up, then. “I’m not afraid of anything, David McAllister.”

  He grinned. “Then I’ll pick you up at seven.”

  “Fine. If you wanna play with fire, go for it. I’m not taking responsibility if you get hurt, though.”

  “I wouldn’t ask you to.”

  She froze for a moment. “Did I seriously just accept a dare?”

  “Yep. You forget…I know you from way back. You’re still the same Maggie Lucas who jumped off a cliff into the river on a dare. And with nothing but the moonlight to see by.”

  “I guess I am.”

  He stood and helped her clear away their plates. Then, he drove her back to her house. Logan’s truck was gone, thankfully. Maggie went inside, intending to finish the bedroom floor, but Logan had taken care of it. She walked around on the beautiful floor and stretched her arms over her head. Plenty of space in this room. She couldn’t wait to move in. Her own place, just her and the kids.

  She thought about where she would put the bed. Then, she thought about who she would put in the bed.

  CHAPTER TEN

  ELEANOR WAS ON the front porch swing when Maggie got home. She’d finished up a few chores at the house, then picked up her kids from school and daycare. After they dropped their backpacks in the mudroom, she walked them up to the main house to play in the yard while she visited with Eleanor.

  “How are you feeling, Mom?” she asked.

  Eleanor smiled at her. She wore a blue scarf over her head, tied in the back. She looked smaller, today. Older. “Tired. Happy to have my kids around.”

  “Is Logan around?”

  “I think Frank has him chopping some firewood. They’re trying to get it stacked up for winter.”

  Maggie knew, along with everyone else, that they didn’t talk about the future with Eleanor. Hers was a life best lived in the moment, and just the mere mention of a few months into the future made Maggie’s heart hurt.

  “Now don’t go on,” Eleanor said.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Tell me about your day.”

  Maggie laughed. “It’s certainly been a day.”

  “This sounds interesting.”

  Where to start? There were definitely things she needed to ask. But she didn’t want to be overt about it. “I guess I’m going on an official date with David.”

  “Wonderful! When?”

  “Tonight. Would it be okay if the kids stay here? Or maybe I should leave them with Charlie.”

  “Nonsense. Leave them here. Logan can help with any heavy lifting. Oh, honey, I’m so glad you’re going out. I’ll be at peace knowing you’re still living, you know? That you haven’t given up.”

  If only she knew just how much “living” Maggie had been doing recently. “I’m glad Logan is helpful to you,” she said, as an awkward segue into the conversation she needed to have.

  “He’s a good boy.”

  “You must be so happy to have him back.”

  “You can’t even imagine. I just wish I could bake him a pie every day.”

  Maggie laughed. “Pie is the ultimate expression of love, isn’t it?”

  “Yes, it is.”

  The swing creaked as they swung gently. “Do you mind my asking why he left in the first place?”

  Eleanor didn’t answer immediately. Maggie glanced over to assess the damage she’d done by asking such an impertinent question. Eleanor didn’t look angry, just pensive.

  “Well,” she started, “it really wasn’t any one thing. There wasn’t an event or anything that made him walk out. It’s just, he enlisted in the Army as soon as he graduated high school. And he just…never came home. When he got out of the Army, he found that cattle ranch in Montana. He’d call me about once a month to check on me. But other than that…” She shrugged.

  “Did he just not like it here?”

  Eleanor smiled sadly. The late afternoon sun sparkled in her eyes. “He and Frank never got along.”

  “But Logan got along with you, didn’t he?”


  “Yes. It was hard for him. He was only six when his father and I…”

  “When you split up?”

  Eleanor inhaled. “Stuart was abusive. To me and Logan. The last night I spent with him, he came home drunk. The dishes weren’t done. Stuart started yelling at me. Then hitting me. I fell. He pinned me to the floor and…and Logan had been in bed. He was just a baby, just six. Instead of coming into the kitchen, he went to my bedroom where there was a phone, and he called the police. That was the smart thing to do. The brave thing to do.

  “Frank was on duty. He’d already been out to my house once before. We’d known each other since we were kids. He and his partner arrested Stuart. I was sent in an ambulance to the hospital. Frank brought Logan to see me. I was in my hospital bed with little Logan sitting in a chair in the corner just staring at me with dried tear streaks in the dirt on his face.

  “Frank stood over me and I’ll never forget. He looked back at that little boy and he said, ‘You should have done something. You should have defended your momma.’ Now, not everyone can read the expression on Logan’s face. He keeps it pretty contained. But I watched his little heart break, tears pooling in his eyes.”

  Eleanor stopped, her voice choked. She pressed a hand to her mouth before crumpling into tears. “I didn’t say anything,” she wept. “I was so selfish, I didn’t do anything to comfort my boy. I didn’t stop Frank saying what he said. I just let it be. Hoped Logan wouldn’t take it to heart.”

  Maggie felt her own tears form. Her own chest tighten. “It was one time. I’m sure he doesn’t even remember.”

  “It was his whole life,” Eleanor said. “I loved Frank so much. Still do. And I just kept telling myself, it’s better for Logan than it was with Stuart. I kept telling myself, at least Frank doesn’t hit him. At least he doesn’t drink. You know?”

  Maggie rubbed circles on Eleanor’s back, not knowing what to say.

  “Frank is a good man in every other way. But he treated Logan like he was…like he was a disease, or something. Kept him away from the rest of the family. Blamed him for everything. I think Frank blamed Logan for me being with Stuart in the first place. I got pregnant, you know…before we were married. Stuart wanted to do the right thing, and so we got married. I don’t know how Frank could hold that over a little boy’s head, but I swear he does to this day. God, some of the awful things Frank has said to him over the years. And me just standing by, baking pies and hoping it would all pass.”