A Touch Bittersweet

by Carter Ashby

  “Does he say where he’s going?” Logan asked.

  “He says he’s going to rescue Wolf and then go out west.”

  Logan almost laughed.

  Maggie looked at him, mascara streaks down her face. “It’s not funny.”

  “Out west? It’s a little funny. Let me see.” He grabbed the note out of her hand.

  Dear whoever cares,

  Wolf is my best friend. You took him away and now he is gonna get youthenized. So I’m gonna rescu him and we are going out west. Don’t try and find us. I don’t wanna be in this family anymore.

  Love,

  Nate

  Logan did laugh, then. Poor kid.

  “It’s not funny, Logan!” Maggie shouted.

  He felt his humor vanish, replaced by anger. “You’re right, it’s not. You two wanna finish up your date? I’ll go get your son.”

  He walked out the front door, but she chased him. “You do not get to judge me, Logan!”

  “You didn’t even let him say goodbye to his dog, Maggie!” he shouted, turning on her. “And then you didn’t take the time to check on him. You just left him. All you care about is yourself, and so you just abandoned him.”

  The words spilled out of him before he could stop them. And she stood there in shock, looking more and more devastated.

  And still he wasn’t done. “Moms shouldn’t choose new boyfriends over their sons. Do you have any idea what that feels like?”

  She looked about to fall over. It was David who caught her around the waist and held her up.

  Logan felt sick to his stomach. He’d never said anything like that to anyone. And if there was anyone who didn’t deserve such treatment, it was Maggie. But it bubbled up out of him because he felt it himself. He felt it as though it was happening to him. A boy pushed to the outside, unable to be a part of his own family. A boy who wanted to be in the warmth of the family circle and couldn’t get there no matter how hard he tried.

  The feeling dizzied him. It was so big inside of him right now that he knew there was no way he could say anything to Maggie that wouldn’t be hurtful.

  “I’m going to get him,” Logan said. “Because somewhere between here and town he’s wandering around looking for the animal shelter, hopefully alive and not kidnapped or something.”

  He got in his truck, slammed the door, and rested his forehead on the steering wheel. For a moment there was silence except for his breathing and the sound of his own heart thundering. They just needed to get Nate home safely. He could sort through everything that had come up after that. Right now, all that mattered was getting that boy back.

  He stayed with his head down and waited, because he knew she would come. She would have David update the rest of the family, and she would get in the truck with him. He only had to wait.

  A moment later the passenger side door opened and shut.

  “Drive,” she said.

  He started the engine and backed out of the driveway.

  How long had Nate been gone? How far could he have gotten in that time?

  The sky was clouded over, making the darkness even darker, so he drove fast at first, and then slower as they got closer to town. He didn’t want to miss Nate or come upon him too quickly.

  He and Maggie both leaned forward, scanning the sides of the road. They passed the city limit sign. The first gas station just before the speed limit change. The little white church where Frank and his mom attended.

  “He couldn’t have made it this far,” Maggie said.

  Logan wasn’t so sure. “Depends how long he’s been out.”

  He drove past the first four-way stop. Through Main Street with its faded brick buildings housing the small businesses that were barely hanging on. He turned right on a road called Skyview and drove to the dead end where the animal shelter was. Where Nate was. Sitting on the porch step, resting his head on his knees.

  Maggie was out of the truck before he could put it in park. He watched through the windshield as she ran and fell to her knees at his side, wrapping her arms around him. Nate wrapped his skinny arms around her and they rocked for a moment.

  Logan let go of the breath and tension he’d been holding on to.

  He got out of the truck and heard Nate crying into his mother’s shoulder. “They’re gonna kill him. I read about it on the Internet. I wanna be with him, but I missed you, Mom!”

  “I missed you, too. Everything’s going to be okay, I promise.”

  Logan wasn’t sure whether to bring up the fact that he’d actually kept Wolf. But he’d learned one lesson the hard way—talk to Maggie before talking to Nate.

  Nate pulled his head back and looked up at Logan. “I’m sorry, Uncle Logan.” He leaped up. Logan got to one knee in time to hug the boy. “I didn’t mean what I said to you.”

  “It’s okay if you did, buddy. I understand.” He held Nate. Felt the boy’s hot tears soak into his T-shirt. Had he ever held a child like this? Had one cling to him and call him uncle? Charlie’s kids knew him, but they didn’t have this kind of a relationship.

  Logan felt tears sting his eyes. He didn’t ever want to let go of the boy. Maybe he could take him fishing, tomorrow. Or go for a hike. Make sure he knew he was loved and cared for.

  “I’m sad about Wolf,” Nate said into Logan’s shoulder. “But I don’t wanna run away.”

  “I know, buddy. Everything is going to be okay. Trust your mom, okay?”

  “Okay,” Nate said with a sniffle. He pulled back.

  Logan stood and looked down to find Nate gripping his hand. Nate reached out to Maggie. She took his other hand and they walked together back to Logan’s truck.

  Maggie watched Nate sleep. His hair was slicked back after his shower. His eyes dry after all the crying. He lay on his side with his knees tucked up, hugging a stuffed elephant that had been Josh’s as a boy. He slept with deep, slow breaths.

  Maggie turned out his light and left.

  Charlie had taken care of Gracie, Izzie, and Levi.

  Now everyone was downstairs in her living room: Frank and Eleanor, who were clinging to each other, Charlie—Brandon was at home with their kids—David, and Logan.

  “How is he?” Charlie asked.

  “Sleeping like an angel,” Maggie said with her best forced smile. “Thank you all for your help.”

  “Oh, dear,” Eleanor said, her frail voice shaking. “We’re the last people you should be thanking. You trusted us with your children and…and…”

  “Eleanor, stop,” Maggie said, going to her and taking her hand. “This wasn’t anyone’s fault but mine. This kind of stress is the last thing you need. Please, everyone, just take a breath and know that everything’s okay. I’ll make sure this never happens again.”

  Logan was standing with his back to the wall nearest the hallway. David was pacing the opposite side of the room.

  “Are you going to get Wolf out of doggie jail?” Charlie asked.

  Maggie laughed. “You would ask that.”

  “I was just going to suggest you hold out on that. As a mom, I’d totally want to shower that boy with puppies. But you can’t let him think all he has to do is run away from home to get what he wants.”

  “Believe me, I’m weighing all of that out in my mind.”

  Eleanor stood and brought Frank to his feet with her. “We should let you get your rest. Again, I’m just so sorry.”

  Maggie hugged her. “Stop. I don’t blame you. Rest up. Tomorrow’s Saturday. Maybe we can have a big family brunch.”

  “I would love that.”

  She walked everyone to the door. Said goodbye to Eleanor and Frank. Then Charlie. Logan tried to slip out, but she fisted her hand in the sleeve of his T-shirt. “You stay,” she said.

  He backed up and waited by the door.

  And there was David. She turned to face him. “Thank you for being here tonight.”

  “I’ll stay longer if you’d like,” he said, touching her cheek.

  She didn’t want the touch. S
he didn’t want anything from him in this moment, except his absence. “I’ll be fine. Goodnight, David.”

  He glanced back at Logan and then back at her. “Maggie, if there’s anything I can do…”

  “I need space. That’s what you can do.”

  He looked heartbroken. He leaned down to kiss her cheek. As he pulled back, his eyes hardened with determination, and he kissed her again, this time on the lips. He held her face between his hands and kissed her for several seconds.

  When he pulled back, Maggie glanced at Logan whose arms were folded over his chest. He was glaring at David. David glared right back. Then he left.

  Logan pulled the door shut behind him. “Son of a bitch,” he muttered.

  “Have a seat,” Maggie said, trying not to let her voice shake. Or her body. She was shaking on the inside. Barely holding it together. Logan’s angry words had been pinging around her mind all night. They stabbed at her over and over. He was right, wasn’t he?

  David was right, too. She didn’t think things through. She just did whatever felt right in the moment. That was no way to treat people. No way to raise a child.

  Logan sat in an armchair across from the sofa.

  Maggie sat on the sofa.

  Logan leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. “I’m sorry, Maggie.”

  Not what she’d expected. “Why?”

  “Why? How about for all the horrible things I said to you while you were already scared to death you’d lost your child?”

  He was sorry? It hadn’t occurred to her that he would be sorry. She was the one who should be sorry. She was the woman who’d made out with two different men in one day and then taken her child’s dog away from him without letting him say goodbye. “I deserved those things you said,” she said.

  “What? No you didn’t, Maggie.”

  “I’ve been so selfish.”

  “Listen, I think you were wrong about Wolf. But that doesn’t make you selfish. Or a bad mom. And who the hell am I to argue with you about how you raise your kid? Maggie, you gotta accept my apology…those things I said weren’t even about you. I don’t know where the hell they came from, but I know they weren’t about you. I was just scared. I feel like this is all my fault.”

  The earnestness in his eyes and his openness immediately eased some of the tension in her body. “I handled it badly,” she said. “And I have been selfish. If this day were someone else’s day…and they were telling me all about what they’d done that day, I’d say they were one of the worst people I’d ever met.”

  He stood and moved to the sofa, putting his arm around her. “You’re being too hard on yourself.”

  “Really? I almost had sex with you this morning.”

  “Mm.”

  “And then I went to lunch with David. And then I ripped my little boy’s heart out. And then I almost had sex with David.”

  His arm stiffened at that. She heard him take in a deep breath and let it out slowly. She could practically feel his heart ache.

  That’s what did it. The sound of that breath and him still sitting there, offering her support.

  She crumpled into herself as the tears broke free. She sobbed hard and wrapped her arms around herself. It felt like she would fly apart if she didn’t physically hold herself together. The pain in her chest and her stomach—it felt like the day she’d cried after finding out about Josh.

  Tissues appeared in her hands. Strong arms wrapped around her. She just let herself go. No sense trying to hold back at this point. May as well let it all out.

  She sobbed for several long minutes. Sobbed until she had nothing left, and she found herself resting against Logan’s chest.

  “I don’t know what to do,” she said.

  He stroked her hair.

  “I don’t know why I’ve been behaving like this,” she said. “It’s like…I’ve been in the dark for so long, and now I’m getting a taste of the excitement I knew when I was young. And—and I just can’t control myself.”

  “The dark—since losing Josh?”

  “Since”—she sucked in a breath—“since marrying Josh. No, that sounds terrible. My marriage was amazing. It wasn’t dark; it was light. But it wasn’t fireworks, you know? Children—I love them. I love being a mom. I’d happily have more kids if I found someone who wanted them. But it’s a different kind of life. When you’re young, you go out, you experiment, you kiss lots of boys. It’s like—exciting. Being a mom is not exciting. It’s wonderful. Fulfilling. Hard work with a payoff. I want it. But it’s just been nice, lately, getting to experience a little…”

  “Excitement.”

  “Yeah. And I feel absolutely awful about it.”

  “Don’t. You’re doing fine, Maggie. You’re not hurting anyone—”

  She sat back away from him and looked at him. “My child ran away tonight.”

  “Not because you’re treating yourself to a little…” he grinned ever so slightly. “Excitement. He ran away because we didn’t handle the dog thing right. And because he’s at that age. The hardest age, it seems like. Big feelings with no real way to process them.”

  She wanted to touch him. She put her hand on his knee. “I’m hurting you.”

  “I’m hurting me. That’s not on you, sweetheart.”

  She let out a breath. Moved closer. “I’m hurting David.”

  “David knows damn well what he’s getting into. What do you want, Maggie?”

  “Right now?”

  “Sure.”

  “A hot shower and to go to bed.”

  He smiled and nodded. “Then do that. Worry about the rest tomorrow.”

  He was right. She was tapped out. Out of energy. Out of tears. She stood, took him by the hand, and pulled until he was standing in front of her. “Would you consider joining me?” she asked.

  “For the hot shower and bed?”

  “Yeah. Please?”

  He blew out a breath, his eyes on her lips. He looked very much like he wanted her. “Are you choosing me?” he asked with a little rasp in his voice. “Or are you just looking for a warm body?”

  She didn’t answer. She couldn’t.

  He nodded, lifted her hand to his lips, and kissed it. “Goodnight, Maggie.”

  “Goodnight.”

  She watched him walk to the door. He paused with his hand on the doorknob. Turned and looked at her with soulful eyes. “I have a confession.”

  “Okay,” she said, intrigued in spite of her utter exhaustion.

  “I didn’t take Wolf to the shelter. He’s in the barn. I’m keeping him. ’Night, Maggie.”

  With that, he left.

  Maggie gaped. Then she laughed. Then, she went to the shower and let the hot water distract her.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  AUTUMN HAD A certain smell. It came on a breeze all of a sudden. Sometimes as early as September. They were in the first week of October when Nate ran away, and the very next day Logan stepped outside and smelled autumn.

  He’d just finished having coffee with his mom.

  Her hands shook. She’d lost too much weight. She didn’t look like his mom at all, but he didn’t care to dwell on it. He was there to be with her in these final…days? Weeks? No one knew.

  She seemed to appreciate his being there.

  Logan stood on the porch and inhaled deeply. There were things he was going to have to deal with today, but for now, he just wanted to enjoy the smell of autumn and then go down to the barn to check on Wolf.

  The back door opened and closed before Logan could step off the porch.

  “You got a minute?”

  Logan felt sick. Funny how the sound of Frank’s voice could make him feel like a scared little kid again. He hadn’t been scared of Frank in more than twenty years. There was certainly nothing to be afraid of now. It was just a residual reaction due to past experiences. It didn’t mean anything.

  “Yeah,” Logan said, in answer to Frank’s question.

  Frank sauntered up next to him and stood with h
is hands in his pockets. “Wanna let you know how much your mother appreciates you being here.”

  Logan shook his head, but otherwise kept his mouth shut. It pissed him off that Frank wanted to position himself between Logan and his mother. Like he was the door Logan had to walk through to get to her.

  “It’s also good the way you helped out last night. Appreciate that.”

  Logan sighed.

  “I know you don’t have to be here—”

  Logan turned to face him. “This is my family. I know I’m not your family, but everyone else here is mine. I ain’t doing this out of any other motive than that I care about my mom and my brother and sister and…and Maggie and all the kids. So—what the hell is this all about?”

  “I think you should go,” Frank said.

  “So what’s new?”

  “What’s new is Maggie has a shot at a decent relationship, and it looks like you’re gonna screw it up. That girl is like a daughter to me…”

  Logan laughed at the absurdity of it. That this man who’d been so unable to love Logan as a son, could easily adopt a grown woman into his family. Then again, Maggie was infinitely more lovable than Logan could ever hope to be.

  “The point is, she’s not for you.”

  “I don’t even know what you’re talking about,” Logan said.

  “It’s clear as day what’s going on. She’s your brother’s wife. What you’re doing is inappropriate. I think you ought to make your goodbyes and move on.”

  Logan felt a little shaky. A little hurt. Why he should be hurt was a mystery. It wasn’t like Frank had ever pretended to love him. Or like he even wanted that. But was he really such a problem that he needed to leave town?

  “I’m not hurting anyone, Frank,” Logan said.

  “Yeah, you are. A lot more than you realize.”

  His heart broke at the thought of saying goodbye to his mother. To Maggie and Nate. To everyone. “This is my family.”

  “You should have treated them like family, then. You disappear for twenty years and show back up at the last minute? What’s that say about you?”