Outback Attack

by Gareth P. Jones

  “I can see some other people in need of a few slaps,” said Bruce. “Look up there—it’s the Von Trapeze family.” The seven evil siblings were hanging from high wires.

  “Who’s that with the knives?” asked Bella.

  “His name is Herr Flick,” said Donnie.

  “And like the rest of them, he’ll be experiencing some Bruce Force soon enough,” snarled Bruce, clenching his fists.

  “Hang on,” said Donnie, holding him back. “Here come the clowns.”

  Grimsby and Sheffield entered the cave. Grimsby was carrying a bucket, while Sheffield held a large gun. Like everyone else, both wore white masks.

  “Hold up,” said Grimsby. “There’s a hole in my bucket.”

  “What kind of hole, Grimsby?”

  “A whole meerkat,” said Grimsby. He tipped the bucket over and Chuck and Jet fell out. The clowns laughed.

  “Actually, that’s two whole meerkats,” said Sheffield.

  “What’s going on?” asked Chuck.

  “I’m sure there was something we were supposed to be doing,” said Jet.

  “Feeling confused?” said Sheffield, pulling the trigger on his gun and sending a cloud of red smoke into their faces.

  When it cleared, Jet and Chuck looked at each other with puzzled expressions.

  “Excellent work,” said a deep voice.

  Donnie and Bruce looked at each other. They couldn’t see the speaker from their hiding place behind the buckets, but they recognized the voice.

  “But that sounds like—” started Bruce.

  “It can’t be!” said Donnie.

  “Who?” asked Bella.

  A man stepped into the cave. He was a shadowy figure wearing a tall hat and holding a whip in one hand. He walked with a slight limp and wore a black mask, but his identity was unmistakable.

  “The Ringmaster,” gasped Donnie and Bruce together.

  Even in his dazed state of mind, Chuck could sense that there was something familiar about the man standing in front of him wearing a top hat. “It’s to do with rings,” said Chuck, trying to uncloud his mind. “Ring-mapper? Ring-monster?”

  The masked clown went to fire his strange-looking gun again, but the Ringmaster stopped him. “No,” he said. “I want them to fully understand what I’m going to tell them. Don’t worry, Herr Flick will skewer them if either one moves.”

  A tall blond man wearing a red shirt and a black waistcoat drew two knives from his belt and aimed them at Chuck and Jet. “Ja, mein Ringmaster. It will be a pleasure to finally skewer these two meddlesome meerkatzchen.”

  “Ringmaster?” said Chuck vaguely.

  “Struggling to make sense of it all?” said the Ringmaster. “Don’t worry. The smoke in these guns is a less potent version of the confusion smoke. The effects won’t last long.”

  “I know you,” said Chuck.

  “Yes, when you last saw me, I was plummeting down into a volcano on Dragon Island.”

  “Dragon Island,” said Jet vaguely. “The Ultimate Dragon Warrior.”

  “When you sent my balloon into the volcano, you thought you had prevented me from stealing the Herbiscus Confusus,” said the Ringmaster.

  “The red-flowered plant,” said Chuck.

  “But my balloon got caught halfway down the volcano,” continued the Ringmaster. “I would have remained there in a state of confusion had my faithful Doris not risked the volcano to come to my rescue.”

  Doris, the Ringmaster’s dancing dog, rubbed herself against his shins, revealing her patchy white fur, where the volcano had burned her.

  The Ringmaster tickled her chin. “She was brave enough to come after me when the rest of my troupe ran away like cowards.”

  “We didn’t run away, boss,” said Grimsby.

  “Yeah, it was more like advancing backwards,” said Sheffield.

  The Ringmaster cracked his whip angrily at the clown. “Thankfully Doris knows the true meaning of loyalty. She had cleverly stolen one of the lemur’s masks so she was unaffected by the smoke. It took several days, but slowly Doris dragged me to safety. By the time we reached the top, the lemurs who protect the precious plant had gone, assuming, like you, that we had perished.”

  “You escaped,” said Chuck.

  “When I came to my senses,” said the Ringmaster, “I instantly realized what an opportunity I had. Doris went back into the volcano and retrieved as many flowers from the Herbiscus Confusus as she could carry. Once we had these, all we needed was an expert in rare plants to help us extract the essence and create weapons. Professor Abong was the perfect man for the job—he just needed a little persuasion.”

  The Ringmaster pointed to the professor. Chuck and Jet looked over to where Professor Abong was working. Hans Free cycled around him, swinging his watch.

  “And we enlisted the League of Extreme Koalas to create this base.”

  “But as usual you failed to take into account that the Clan of the Scorpion will always be there to stop you,” said Chuck, now fully recovered from the effect of the smoke.

  The Ringmaster threw his head back and laughed. “Ah, yes, the Clan of the Scorpion. Four deadly ninja meerkats dedicated to stopping me. And yet, there are only two of you, which means the other two are hidden somewhere nearby, listening to all this.” The Ringmaster cracked his whip so that the sound echoed around the chamber. “Donnie, Bruce,” he called. “Come out, come out, wherever you are.”

  Neither showed themselves.

  “Very well. I will count to three, then you will appear with your paws held high or else Herr Flick will turn Chuck and Jet into meer-kebabs. One … Two…”

  Herr Flick took aim.

  “Stop!”

  Donnie and Bruce stepped out from their hiding place.

  “Oh, so predictable,” said the Ringmaster with a smile.

  “You won’t get away with this,” said Bruce.

  “You never were the sharpest tool in the box, were you, Willowhammer?” said the Ringmaster. “Otherwise you’d see that getting away with this is exactly what I’m about to do. Soon I will fire these missiles. They are programmed to target every major city in the world.… London, Tokyo, New York. The confusion smoke within these missiles is so strong that it will take weeks for the effects to wear off. Once everyone is lost in confusion, my circus troupe will move in and take power quicker than you can say, ‘The Clan of the Scorpion have been defeated.’”

  “Not while there’s any breath left in our bodies, you won’t,” said Donnie.

  “Which won’t be very long,” said the Ringmaster. “Now, be a good ninja and throw your gadget bag away—or Herr Flick will make sure Chuck gets the point.”

  “No, Donnie! Don’t!” said Chuck.

  “Sorry, Chuck,” said Donnie. He threw his bag to the side. It landed by the buckets.

  The Von Trapeze family swung closer to them, prepared to attack.

  “Hey, Grimsby, knock knock,” said Sheffield.

  “Who’s there?” replied Grimsby.

  “Luke.”

  “Luke who?”

  “Looks like we’ve actually won this time!” Sheffield guffawed.

  “And now it’s my turn to tell a joke,” said the Ringmaster with a triumphant laugh. “The one about the man who destroyed his sworn enemies and took over the world.”

  This time the Ringmaster’s laughter was joined by the cackles of his goons, Doris’s barks, and the applause from the koalas, who waved their confusion guns in the air.

  “Shall I finish them off, mein Ringmaster?” asked Herr Flick.

  “No,” said the Ringmaster. “I would like them all to witness the moment when I finally take control of the world. Hey, you two.” He pointed at Robbo and Greggles, the two koalas Chuck and Jet had overheard in the tunnel. “It’s time to open the roof so that these missiles can be fired.”

  “I didn’t join the League of Extreme Koalas to open roofs,” grumbled Greggles.

  “How dare you answer me back!” exclaimed the R
ingmaster.

  “He didn’t mean anything by it,” said Robbo quickly. Out of the side of his mouth he said, “Be quiet, Greggles. Just do as he says.”

  The two koalas clambered up onto a console and pressed a few buttons. Slowly the roof of the laboratory slid back, revealing the clear blue sky overhead.

  “You see,” said the Ringmaster, “this is not only a weapons factory. It is also a launch pad for these missiles.”

  The Ringmaster picked up a microphone and his booming voice filled the cave. “Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls … circus goons and koalas,” he cried. “Soon the world will bow down before us. Any who stand in our way will be thrown into confusion. The entire world will be one big circus and I will be its all-powerful Ringmaster!”

  He cracked his whip and, once again, the army of koalas and circus goons dutifully applauded.

  “Not so fast, Ringmaster,” said Chuck. “Before the Clan each enemy cowers, for now we fight till victory is ours!”

  “Ha,” scoffed the Ringmaster. “Even if you avoided Herr Flick’s knives, none of you have masks. You are in my power!”

  “But I’m not!” said a voice.

  The Ringmaster turned and saw a female meerkat wearing a wide-brimmed hat, and holding two bags. Bella Willowhammer drew a pistol from Donnie’s bag and fired a net that flew into the air and came down on Herr Flick.

  As the knife thrower struggled to get free, the meerkats leaped into action, each of them tearing a mask off an unsuspecting koala and putting it on to protect themselves from the confusion smoke.

  “Ringmaster, meet Bella Willowhammer,” said Chuck. “And prepare to face defeat.”

  Chuck drew his sword and sliced through the barrel of a gun that one of the koalas was pointing at him, causing red gas to pour from the broken end. He then expertly sliced off the koala’s mask, forcing him to breathe in the smoke.

  Jet jumped high into the air and performed three backward somersaults over the heads of several rows of koalas before coming down head first and executing a series of perfectly aimed powerful punches, sending koalas flying.

  “How do you like my Upside-down Attack?” he cried. “Ninja-boom!”

  The other meerkats were also busy taking advantage of the confusion.

  Bella threw Donnie’s backpack to him. “Thanks,” he said, putting it on.

  Ten angry koalas charged at him, but he pulled out two handfuls of marbles and sent them across the floor, causing the koalas to lose their footing and slide into each other.

  With a cry of “Bruce Force!” Bruce charged at the clowns, knocking them off their feet and kicking their weapons from their hands.

  “Get those ninjas,” cried the Ringmaster furiously.

  While every koala and circus goon charged at the Clan of the Scorpion, Bella pulled her Bella-copter from her bag, unfolded it, and used it to fly over to the professor.

  “Professor Abong,” she said, bringing the Bella-copter level with his face.

  He stared at her blankly.

  “Sorry about this,” she said and she gave him a sharp slap around the face.

  “Good grief. What is going on?” he asked. “What is this place? And why does my face hurt so much?”

  “I’m Bella Willowhammer. You hired me to find out who was following you. You’ve been hypnotized into helping a band of criminals intent on taking over the world. I’m here to rescue you!”

  “I do not think so,” said Hans Free, swinging his watch in front of her eyes. “Look into my eyes, my dear.”

  Jet saw what was happening and rushed toward Hans Free. “Oh no, you don’t,” he cried, leaping up into the air then coming down in a super-fast spin and knocking Hans Free’s watch out of his hands.

  “That was the Counter-clockwise Clonk,” said Jet. “Moob-ajnin! That’s ‘Ninja-boom’ backwards!”

  Disoriented by the blow, Hans Free’s unicycle spun out of control and sent him careering into a row of koalas.

  “This meerkat mayhem will not prevent the missiles from launching,” shouted the Ringmaster. “Koalas, hit the ignition button.”

  “I didn’t join the League of Extreme Koalas to hit buttons,” grumbled Greggles.

  “Oh, shush,” said Robbo. He pushed a large red button on the console.

  Suddenly, the missiles that stood in the center of the base began to rumble. With an ear-shattering BOOM and a burst of flame and smoke, they launched into the sky, flying toward the targeted cities.

  “At last,” yelled the Ringmaster. “The world is mine!”

  The missiles soared into the sky, leaving thick white vapor trails behind them. In the base below, the battle continued. Jet was surrounded by koalas, who were taking turns to charge at him. They were surprisingly acrobatic, performing midair somersaults before coming crashing down to attack with their claws and fists, but they were no match for Jet’s skills. Koalas went flying as he launched himself at them, spinning with his arms outstretched, chopping through them like a lawnmower through grass.

  Not far from him, Bella and Bruce were working together, while Professor Abong cowered in a corner, wearing the mask Bella had snatched off Hans Free. Bella had gotten hold of a large smoke gun and was firing the confusion smoke at yet more koalas, while Bruce ran through their ranks, tearing off their masks. As soon as they breathed in the red gas, they stopped fighting and stood looking puzzled, until Bruce bowled them over like bowling pins.

  With the roof open, a strong breeze blew through the base, sending the gas in all directions. Everyone without a mask was affected by the confusion.

  “Donnie, we have to stop the missiles,” called Chuck, who was slicing masks off the Von Trapeze family with his sword.

  Donnie grabbed a gas-gun from a koala and fired it at the evil siblings. “I agree,” he said. “But we’ll need to get past the Ringmaster first.”

  The Ringmaster stood in front of the control panel, with Doris beside him. She growled threateningly.

  “I should be able to override the target of the missiles if I can get to that panel,” said Donnie.

  “Leave it to me,” said Chuck. With his sword drawn, he approached the Ringmaster.

  “Ah, Chuck Cobracrusher,” said the Ringmaster, cracking his whip. “Will I never see the end of you?”

  “Like a boomerang, I just keep coming back,” snarled Chuck.

  “Not for much longer! Do you know what they call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick,” replied the villain, turning to his dog. “And I know someone who likes fetching sticks. Doris!”

  Doris leaped into the air and landed into a head spin, kicking her legs around viciously. Chuck stepped back to avoid being hit. He was about to kick her off balance when something landed heavily on the console with a cry of “Joey Whack Attack!”

  Three more crashes indicated the arrival of the other kangaroos, jumping through the open roof into the base.

  “G’day! We couldn’t help but notice Kollawollabolong suddenly reappear,” said Boomer. “They’d covered over the lake!”

  “And we saw the missiles launch,” said Jack.

  “So we thought you might be in need of some help,” said Norma.

  “And I’m no longer grounded,” exclaimed Joey, jumping up and pummeling the Ringmaster’s face.

  Doris tried to defend the Ringmaster, but Norma dealt her a forceful kick. “You stay away from my Joey, you no-good mutt,” she warned.

  “Circus goons,” cried the Ringmaster, trying to bat Joey away. “Get these kangaroos.”

  Sheffield and Grimsby came charging at Joey, but Jack, Boomer, and Norma were working as a team and kicked the confusion guns out of their hands before they had a chance to fire them. Chuck threw masks to the kangaroos so they wouldn’t be affected by the confusion smoke. They fought the circus goons and koalas with a torrent of swinging tails, thumping feet, and pounding fists.

  Chuck joined Donnie under the console. “Quickly, Donnie,” he yelled. “The missiles!”

  Donnie c
limbed on top of the console and looked with dismay at the rows of buttons that had been broken or crushed by the impact of the kangaroos’ huge feet. He quickly set about twiddling knobs and pulling levers.

  Chuck looked for the Ringmaster, only to see that he and Doris had fled to the far corner of the laboratory. They were inflating a black-and-red hot-air balloon. Chuck was about to give chase when Donnie shouted, “Chuck, Jet, Bella, Bruce! Over here!”

  The others fought their way over to Donnie.

  “What is it?” asked Jet. “I was just getting warmed up.”

  “Good news and bad news,” said Donnie. “The good news is that I’ve found a way to redirect the missiles to an alternative target, saving the world from the Ringmaster’s evil plan. The bad news is that since the kangaroos broke the controls, there is only one place I could redirect the missiles to, and that’s back here.”

  “Back here?” exclaimed the other four meerkats.

  “Back here,” repeated Donnie. “In a minute there’s going to be a massive confusion explosion. We need to evacuate the cave.”

  Chuck grabbed a microphone from the mission control console and turned it on.

  “Attention, everyone.” Chuck’s amplified voice echoed around the base. “The missiles are heading back to Kollawollabolong. Unless you want to be extremely confused, you need to get out now.”

  Chuck had barely finished his sentence when the circus goons and hundreds of koalas stopped attacking, turned tail, and ran. Those who were too confused to understand were grabbed by the ones with masks and dragged away. They climbed up the scaffolding of the Von Trapeze family’s high wires and pushed bits of equipment against the walls, enabling them to scramble up and out.

  “Hold up, make way now,” said Sheffield.

  “I didn’t join the League of Extreme Koalas to get out of your way,” grumbled Greggles.

  “Yeah! Off you run from my incredible Joey Whack Attack!” exclaimed Joey, punching the air.